She shook her head. “It was more than that. You should have seen the expression on your face. I’ve never seen that kind of love on a man’s face. It was beautiful.” She held up her hand before he could interrupt. “You’ve got the dad gene, Zane. You might not know it yet, but you do. Which means…” She took a deep breath.
He waited, every muscle taut in anticipation of what blow she was about to deliver.
She met his gaze. “I’ve fallen in love with you. So deeply that I feel like I came alive for the very first time.”
His heart froze in his chest, and suddenly he couldn’t breathe. He’d had countless women scream their love at him during his bull riding tenure, but never had he believed it or cared. Until now. Taylor meant it. She loved him. She loved him. How was that possible? She was the most giving, caring person he’d ever met. She knew all his ugly secrets, and somehow, she’d decided he was worth loving? What the hell? He could never live up to that. He could never repay her for that. What was she doing, cheating herself out of life by loving him? “I don’t want—”
“Stop.” She sighed and released the handlebars. “I think I let myself fall in love with you because you were safe. I was leaving, and you definitely wanted nothing to do with kids, so either way, I was protected. But then…” She paused.
He leaned forward, curious despite his instinct to fight back against her declaration. “Then what?” He didn’t know what he wanted her to say. All he knew was that he felt his entire being was on the edge of a precipice, waiting for words he couldn’t articulate.
“Then I wanted to stay.”
“Stay? Where? On the ranch?” With me? He didn’t ask the last question, because he didn’t want to hear her say no. And he didn’t want to hear her say yes.
“With you. On the ranch. I wanted to become a part of your amazing family.”
Hell. He leaned back, his mind going a thousand miles an hour. He knew he should be telling her to find a new life, a new dream, to walk away, but the words wouldn’t come. He couldn’t make himself send her away, no matter how much he wanted to. He wanted to hear more.
“But then I saw you with the baby.” She sighed, and he saw in her eyes a grim resignation that was heartbreaking. “You would be a great dad. You’ll be a great uncle. I couldn’t live with myself if I took that chance away from you. Someday, you would resent me. And I know you want your freedom anyway, so…” She shrugged. “I’ll take the promotion, then—”
“No.” He swung his leg off the bike and grabbed her arm just as she was turning away.
She looked at him, hope and fear gleaming in her beautiful eyes. “No, what?”
“No—” He didn’t even know what he wanted to say, what he needed to say. “Just, no.”
She laughed softly, that same beautiful laugh that had lifted his heart so many times. “I can’t stay, Zane. I can’t stay and watch you live a life with someone else—”
“There’s no one else. There will never be anyone else.” That much he knew was the truth. “I don’t like women. I don’t want one.”
She laughed aloud then. “You will. You’ll find someone, and I can’t watch it.”
“Fuck that.” He grabbed her wrist and hauled her against him. He locked his arm around her lower back, keeping her pinned against him. “Do you know what my life plan was after I walked away from bull riding?”
She raised her eyebrow and shook her head.
“I vowed to never trust anyone ever again. My plan was to count on no one, and let no one count on me. I was done with the crap of society. I just wanted to be left alone to hate the world on my own.”
Her fingers wrapped around his upper arms. “That’s kind of antisocial,” she said. “You’re worse than I am.”
“But that’s the thing,” he said, searching her face, as if he could find in her eyes the words he couldn’t come up with on his own. “That was my plan, and I was cool with it. And then I met you. And you fit me.” He didn’t know how to explain it any better. “I like us together.”
A slow smile formed on her face. “I like us together, too,” she said. “But we fit right now. We don’t fit forever.”
“Why not?” Shit. Had he really just said that? Was he really arguing for a forever with her?
“Because, Zane, I want to get married and be treasured for who I am. You’re not ready to go there, but someday, you will realize you want kids, and I won’t have you looking back and realizing that you’re trapped.”
His grip tightened on her arms. “What the hell are you talking about? We’re wrong because you want to get married, and I don’t, and also because someday, not only will I want to get married, but I will also want kids? Those two excuses are completely contradictory. You’re making shit up as an excuse to walk away.”
She stiffened. “I’m not making—”
“You’re making shit up because you’re afraid of being hurt again.”
She stared at him, then a single tear spilled down her cheek. “You have the power to shatter my heart,” she said softly. “I can’t live through that again.”
His grip on her arms softened. With a sigh, he enfolded her into his arms. She melted into him, burying her face in his chest as he held her. “I’m sorry, babe,” he whispered, as he pressed a kiss to her hair.
“I’m sorry, too,” she said, her face still hidden against his chest.
He pressed another kiss to her hair. He didn’t even know what to say to her. He didn’t know what he wanted to say. He just knew that he didn’t want her to walk away from him tonight. “I don’t want to hurt you,” he said. “Ever.”
“I know you don’t.” She lifted her head to look at him, her eyelashes frosted with tears. “That’s why I opened my heart to you, and that’s why you could break it.”
He wiped his thumb over her eyelashes, brushing away the tears. “Stay with me tonight.”
“Tonight?” She nodded at the bike. “I thought you were leaving.”
“I don’t want to leave.” He slipped his fingers through her hair and bent his head, pressing a soft kiss against her mouth. “I need you.” He knew he should have bailed when she’d told him she loved him, and he’d been unable to say it back. A responsible guy would step back when she’d confessed that he could hurt her. But he didn’t want to let her go. He wanted to hold her in his arms and make love to her until the sun broke across the sky in one of those Wyoming dawns that he never got tired of.
She gripped the waistband of his jeans, closing her eyes as he sprinkled kisses over her cheeks, her nose, her chin, and her lips. “I don’t want you to leave, either,” she whispered.
Relief rushed through him, and he angled his head, taking her mouth in a real kiss, the kind of kiss that could carry a man through the very darkest of times.
He scooped her up in his arms and carried her back to their bunkhouse. She opened the door, and then he kicked it shut as soon as they were through. He didn’t waste time with a shower, even though they were both grimy from working on the ranch. He needed her now, and he needed her in every way.
By the time they reached the bed, their kisses were pure wildfire. He groaned as he lowered her to her feet, sliding her down his body. Her skin was soft as he framed her waist, kissing her hard and deep, pouring everything into the kiss that he could never say. Her arms were wrapped tightly around his neck, kissing him back just as fiercely, as if she were afraid it was the last time they’d ever be together.
It wasn’t.
It couldn’t be.
He’d never survive without her.
Somehow, they managed to get their clothes off without breaking physical contact. The moment nakedness reigned, he picked her up again. She locked her legs around his waist as he gripped her hips, his fingers digging into her bare flesh as he relocated them onto the bed.
He was inside her before they’d even hit the mattress. He wanted to honor her with a long seduction, with kisses meant to show how incredible she was, but he couldn’t do it. There
was something inside him that was so desperate to connect with her that he couldn’t hold back. He just buried himself inside her, needing that connection, needing to claim her, and make her his.
His kisses were desperate, his hands all over her body, his entire being shouting for her. Taylor didn’t let him down. She met every kiss with equal passion, her hips moving in an invitation that ignited his need for her even more. He could feel the orgasm building, tightening around them both. It was too fast, too soon. He wanted more for her but—
The orgasm hit them both at the same time. “Taylor.” Her name tore from him as he drove inside her, giving her all that he was, while she bucked beneath him, mercilessly caught in the same climax gripping him so hard.
It seemed to last forever, the moment of ecstasy that brought them together as one. He tried to hold onto it. He tried to make the moment last forever…but eventually, it faded, releasing them from its grasp.
Completely drained, he collapsed beside her, dragging her tightly into his arms. He locked his leg over her hips, his arms around her upper body, and buried his face in her hair, needing to get as close to her as possible.
“Zane?” She nestled into his body, tucking herself against him exactly how he wanted.
“Yeah.” He pulled her even tighter.
“I love you.”
He closed his eyes and pressed a kiss to her hair, his chest tightening at her words. He didn’t know what to say to her. Nothing was worthy of what she gave him. “Stay,” he finally said. “Don’t take the job. Be a teacher.”
She didn’t answer for a long moment. “And what about us? What happens to us if I stay?”
He wanted to give her the response she craved. He wanted to be that guy for her, the one that would declare his love and honor her. But how could he say that? He knew he could never deliver, and he couldn’t make her promises that he would later break, no matter how right it felt at the moment. “I haven’t slept in the same bed for more than four nights in a row since I was fifteen,” he said. “And those longer stretches were for competitions. If I can’t sleep in the same bed, how could I possibly offer you a forever? Or anyone? Including a kid?” She was wrong. He didn’t want kids. A nephew was different than having that kid count on you every second of every day for its entire life.
She trailed her fingers over his chest, drawing designs that felt amazing. “I think,” she said softly, “that if I were to accept that answer from you and let you trap yourself with me in some sort of off-again on-again relationship with no family in the future, I would be doing you a great disservice, by allowing you to hide from who you truly are.”
“Oh, come on.” Frustrated now, he rolled her onto her back, pinning her to the bed. “I make my choices, Taylor, and right now, my choice is you. With me. In my bed. Wherever that is.” He stopped when he realized what he’d said. Had he just invited her to be a part of his vagrant life? Shit. She deserved more. Scowling, he rolled off her, resting on his back and staring at the ceiling, chastising himself for being so weak that he actually offered her a life that she didn’t deserve, just because he couldn’t stand the thought of being without her.
She didn’t come after him, and the two-inch gulf between them felt like a crevasse that could never be crossed.
“You know,” she said, her voice drifting through the darkness. “On some levels, that sounds like the best way ever to spend my life, living on your bike with you, seeing new places every day. These last few days with you have been the best days of my life.”
He stiffened, hope suddenly springing through his body. He turned his head to look at her. She was lying on her side, her hands tucked under her chin, and her knees curled up, watching him. She looked vulnerable and beautiful, and his heart softened as he rolled onto his side to face her. “Mine, too,” he said.
She smiled, and held out her hand to him. He wrapped his fingers around hers. “What do you really want, Taylor? From life? If you could really have it.”
“I don’t think like that, Zane. We have to tailor our dreams to fit our reality, or our heart breaks a little bit with every single heartbeat.”
Listening to her made his heart break a little bit. She was so brave and courageous, and he wanted her to fight for what she wanted. He wanted her to get married and have those kids and teach until her smile reached her eyes every second of every day.
But at the same time, he wanted her for himself, and those two pictures weren’t compatible. Which did he want more? To make himself happy by keeping her and giving her the half-life he could offer her? Or by letting her go so she had the chance of finding that guy who could give her everything?
“What about you?” She asked. “If you could have anything you really wanted, what would it be?”
He didn’t hesitate. “You.”
Tears filled her eyes. “Zane—”
Before she could finish, her phone rang. Her boss’s ringtone. Sudden fear rippled through him. “Don’t get it.”
“I have to. He needs an answer.” She scooted off the bed and ran to her purse. He leapt up after her and grabbed her wrist just as she pulled the phone out.
“Don’t. Let’s talk—”
She looked at him. “Why, Zane? Why shouldn’t I answer it? Why?”
He hesitated. Why? What good reason did he have? Just because he didn’t want her to go off on the grand adventure of her life, accepting a great job that would propel her to the kind of stardom she deserved, so he could keep her on the back of his bike, living in shit hotels, making her live life as a teacher, just because he thought that was a better choice for her? The truth was, she was the one with the parent dream. She might not be able to have biological kids, but there were a lot of ways to be a parent. She didn’t need a man who didn’t want kids. What she needed was a man who wanted kids as much as she did, who didn’t give a shit about where they came from.
He didn’t give a shit about where kids came from, but being a dad…he couldn’t do it. She could find her way back to teaching in a year or two, but if he kept her, she’d never find the man who could heal her heart.
Slowly, he dropped his hand from hers. “Never mind.” He turned away and walked back to the bed, leaving her with the chance of her lifetime.
Chapter 16
Taylor’s heart seemed to crumble into a thousand pieces as she watched Zane walk away from her. Yes, she hadn’t truly expected him to declare his love for her when she’d told him she loved him, but when he’d said all those words, something inside her had come to life, hoping so desperately that there was a way to make it work. She didn’t want to let him go, and she didn’t want him to let her go…
He disappeared into the bathroom. He left the door open, but turned on the shower and got inside, giving her privacy.
The phone rang again. Edward’s name flashed across her screen. For a brief second, she remembered how she used to feel when she saw his name, back when they were first dating. Her heart would leap and a huge smile would spring onto her face. But he’d never made her feel the way Zane made her feel. She didn’t want his job. She didn’t want that life. She didn’t want to talk to him.
But at the same time…Zane had made the choice they both knew was right. Maybe that was his role in her life. Maybe his job had been to make her love again, and to teach her to have faith in the goodness of other people. Maybe his role had simply been to heal her, so she could go forward with the life that she was meant to live.
Maybe he was destined to simply be a memory.
Maybe it was time for her to stop running away from what she wanted and start fighting for herself…but what did she want?
A text message flashed across the screen from Edward. This is the last time I’m going to call, Taylor. Answer the damn phone or the job goes to someone else. The phone rang again, his name flashing across the screen,.
This time, she answered it. Slowly, her hand shaking, she lifted it to her ear. “Hi, Edward.”
***
Zane stayed
in the shower until the hot water ran out. And then he stayed in the cold water for as long as he could take it. It wasn’t until he was chilled to the bone that he finally turned off the water. Once silence reigned, he waited, listening for the sound of Taylor talking to her boss.
There was no conversation coming from the main room.
Was she asleep? Had she packed her bags and bailed on him? Sudden panic rushed through him, and he jerked the bathroom door open. When he saw her curled up in the bed, her hair spread over the pillow and her hands tucked under her chin, he was so relieved he had to grab the sink to keep from going down to his knees.
Jesus.
How could he let her go? But how could he be the selfish bastard who kept her from what she wanted?
He took a breath and grabbed a towel, carelessly wiping the droplets off his skin, never taking his eyes off her. She was asleep, her chest moving in a slow rhythm, her eyelashes soft against her cheek.
He tossed the towel on the sink, then walked across the room. He knelt beside the bed and bent toward her. “Taylor,” he whispered.
She didn’t stir.
He brushed her hair back from her face, his fingers drifting over the incredibly soft strands. She was so beautiful and courageous, full of love, warmth, and vulnerability. He kissed her, a soft kiss, the kind of tender, gentle kiss he’d never have the courage to give her if she were awake. “Hey, babe,” he whispered, keeping his voice low so as not to wake her, so she wouldn’t hear the words that he had to say. “I want you to stay, but I can’t take away your dream of being a mom. You’ll find the guy who will give you that. I’m the one who can’t handle watching you with someone else, because there will never be anyone else for me. You’re it. You’re my one and only. You’re my forever.”
He waited for a moment, almost hoping that she’d heard him in her sleep, hoping a foolish hope that she’d wake up and somehow show him a way that it could all work.
But she didn’t stir, and her breathing stayed in the deep, even rhythm of sleep.
A Real Cowboy Rides a Motorcycle Page 16
