The Mammoth Book of Weird News (Mammoth Books)

by Geoff Tibballs

  ROBBER FORGETS TO PLUG IN WEAPON

  A 20-year-old woman was arrested in Lake City, Florida, after attempting to rob a motel. Her chosen weapon for the raid was an electric chainsaw, which was not plugged in.

  REDNECK JURORS WERE NEARLY ALL RELATED

  The entire 86-member jury pool for a criminal trial in Centreville, Tennessee (population 16,000) had to be dismissed in 1996 because, according to the prosecutor, too many members of the pool were related to each other.

  NOTHING GOES RIGHT FOR FEMALE ROBBER

  From the moment a female robber armed with a crowbar burst into a West Midlands newsagent’s in 2000, things started to go wrong. She began by threatening the sales clerk but in the ensuing struggle she accidentally hit herself on the head with the crowbar. Then she managed to cut herself with the hook end of the weapon and her shirt got caught on something and was ripped off. Realizing it wasn’t her day (the Post Office inside the shop, which was her intended target, was closed) she fled the scene with a male accomplice. Appealing for witnesses, a police spokesman said: “There must be someone out there who is aware of a couple running away from the premises, the female bloodstained with just her bra on.”

  WHEELCHAIR CLAIMANT JAILED AFTER JOGGING BOAST

  Over a period of years, John Moses, of Haswell, County Durham, picked up around $120,000 in disabilities benefits by claiming to be confined to a wheelchair. But in 2002, the 51-year-old was charged with deception after filing a claim with his insurance company stating that his car had been stolen while he was out jogging, an activity which, he went on to say, he did three times a week. Moses, who compounded the error by later chasing the insurance investigator around the house, was jailed for 18 months.

  FRAUD SUSPECT CLAIMS PLAN WAS DOG’S IDEA

  Robert Meier, of Tampa, Florida, was charged with theft and forgery after marrying his comatose girlfriend, Constance Sewell, hours before she died and then allegedly charging $20,000 to her credit cards by forging her name on the receipts. In mitigation, Meier maintained it wasn’t his idea. A police officer explained: “He said he was sitting on the couch when Ms Sewell’s dog told him she would want him to go on living, have a better life, and it would be OK to use her credit cards.”

  THIEVES STEAL GIANT SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS

  Thieves in Lewiston, Idaho, stole a 14-foot inflatable SpongeBob SquarePants replica from the roof of a Burger King restaurant. The blowup SpongeBob had adorned the roof of the restaurant for about a month in 2009 before its tethers were cut. Police said the inflatable icon was worth around $600 but doubted whether it would be easy to sell.

  THIEVES STEAL 756 SHOES – ALL FOR RIGHT FEET

  Thieves broke into a shop in Medellin, Colombia, in 1999 and made off with men’s and women’s shoes valued at $16,583. Unfortunately they had failed to notice that the 756 shoes were all for right feet, the matching left shoes having been safely locked away in a storeroom. The store owner groaned: “My merchandise is now completely useless. Who is going to buy a shoe for just one foot?”

  BANK ROBBER LOSES THE WAY

  After robbing Oregon’s Klameth First Bank in 2003, a robber was caught by police while running around the street asking passers-by if they knew the quickest way out of town. Unfortunately for him, among those he asked was the bank manager’s son.

  OVERWEIGHT COPS ARE ORDERED TO CLIMB VOLCANO

  Overweight Filipino police officers were ordered to climb the 4,740-foot-high Mount Pinatubo volcano once a month as part of a strenuous physical fitness campaign. Under the 2000 initiative all male officers with waists in excess of 34 inches (29 inches for women) were instructed to make the six-hour climb and to take part in a tough aerobics regime. A police department spokesman explained: “Our men say they are in shape, but it is the wrong shape.”

  JUDGE FIRED FOR SIGNING DOCUMENTS AS “SNOW WHITE”

  Judge Richard “Deacon” Jones was removed from office in Nebraska for signing official court documents with names such as “Snow White” and “A. Hitler” and setting nonsensical bail amounts of “a zillion pengos”. He also set off a firecracker in the office of a fellow judge after an argument.

  SUSPECT SAID SHOES HE WAS WEARING WEREN’T HIS

  Customs officers at Tokyo’s Narita Airport became suspicious of a five-foot six-inch man who was wearing inordinately large shoes. So they asked him to remove them and inside they found 350 grams of heroin. Protesting his innocence, the suspect said he had no idea what was inside the shoes, adding: “I was asked by a Thai man to wear the shoes at Bangkok airport.”

  ROBBER FOILED By PAPER BAG SHORTAGE

  Not wanting to draw attention to himself, a bank robber in Portland, Oregon, handed the cashier a note ordering her to put all the money in a paper bag. She read the note, wrote at the bottom, “I don’t have a paper bag”, and handed it back to the robber. With no Plan B springing to mind, he fled empty-handed.

  BLIND MAN BANNED FROM SAYING “PHLEGM”

  A blind man’s obsession with groping women while talking about phlegm saw a court in Kingston, Surrey, ban him from ever using the word. Neil Middlehurst, 49, would ask women for help crossing the road and then touch their breasts while talking about sore throats and phlegm. In 2004 he was jailed for 16 months, banned from saying “phlegm” and told that in future he must only touch women on the shoulder when they help him across the road.

  MAN DISGUISED AS TREE ROBS BANK BRANCH

  A robber held up a bank in Manchester, New Hampshire, in 2007 while disguised as a tree. He entered the bank with branches and leaves taped to his body but unfortunately for him CCTV cameras penetrated the foliage and he was arrested shortly afterwards.

  ROBBER BUSTED FOR STILL CARRYING AROUND HOLD-UP NOTE

  When a Gulfport, Mississippi, man was stopped by police for urinating in public, a search at the station revealed that he was still carrying in his pocket the hold-up note from a bank robbery the previous day. In addition to disorderly conduct, he was therefore charged with robbery. A Gulfport police spokesman commented: “We’re fortunate that some of these crooks aren’t too intelligent.”

  SANTA’S STOLEN GROTTO

  A 49-year-old woman caught stealing Christmas decorations in a Swiss village was found to have a huge cache of them at her home, including illuminated reindeer, miniature Santas and plastic snowmen.

  JURORS STRUGGLE TO FOLLOW MURDER TRIAL

  A 1978 murder trial in Manitoba had been under way for two days when one juror confessed that he was completely deaf and had no idea what was going on. The judge, Mr Justice Solomon, asked him whether he had heard any evidence at all, and when there was no reply to the question, he dismissed him. Then a second juror, a fluent French speaker, revealed that he didn’t understand a word of English and expressed considerable surprise that he was attending a murder trial. Proceedings were finally abandoned when a third juror said that he, too, spoke no English and, for good measure, was almost as deaf as the first man. The judge ordered a retrial.

  PARTY REVELLER MAKES GETAWAY ON MILK FLOAT

  When police raided a party in England, a drunken Matthew North jumped on a milk float to make his getaway. He put his foot on the gas and zoomed off at . . . seven miles per hour. Three policemen quickly overtook him by walking. It emerged that North already had a ban for driving a steamroller while drunk.

  PRISONER SUES OVER ESCAPE INJURY

  Scott Gomez Jr sued jail officials in Pueblo County, Colorado, alleging that they failed to take adequate measures to prevent him escaping. Gomez was seriously injured in 2007 when he fell 40 foot while scaling a wall in his second escape attempt. After his first attempt he had apparently told the sheriff how poor security was but claimed that no improvements had been made.

  MAN THREATENS TO BLOW UP RESTAURANT WITH SAUSAGES

  A robber threatened to blow up a restaurant in Benxi, China, with sausages, disguised as explosives, strapped to his body. After eating a meal at the restaurant, the 23-year-old man grabbed the owner’s daughter, put
a knife to her neck and demanded money from the till. He was quickly overpowered but when police officers arrived, he jumped to his feet and revealed his “explosive” belt. Bomb disposal experts were called . . . and instantly spotted that the explosives were actually sausages. The man said he staged the robbery because he was depressed after splitting up with his girlfriend. He told police that he had been “inspired” by the shape of the sausages.

  POLICE DOG ATTACKS OFFICER INSTEAD OF ROBBER

  After an armed robber shot police dog handler Katie Johnson in the leg, she set her dog on him, believing that he would save the day. But instead of jumping on the robber, the Alsatian bit her on the arm, allowing the gunman and his accomplice to escape from the scene in Preston, Lancashire. WPC Johnson had only been paired with the dog for three weeks and bore no grudges. Appropriately the dog’s name was Chaos.

  ROBBER’S CUNNING PLAN SEES HIM CAUGHT IN THE ACT

  A Winnipeg man who wanted to rob a store without having to worry that the police would catch him in the act hatched a cunning plan which ensured that the police did catch him in the act. Just before entering the store in 2002, he called 911 from a phone booth across the street to report a fictitious shooting at another location, in the hope that this diversionary tactic would keep police well away. But as soon as they found that it was a false call, the police obtained the address of the phone booth and arrived just in time to catch the surprised robber brandishing a knife and taking money from the cashier.

  MAN CONCLUDES INSANITY DEFENCE BY HOOTING “CUCKOO”

  A Florida man accused of aggravated battery concluded his insanity defence by loudly hooting “cuckoo, cuckoo”, then dropping his pants and mooning the jury. Following the outburst, Cornell Jackson was dragged from the courtroom by bailiffs and Bay County sheriff ’s deputies. The jury took just 30 minutes to find him guilty.

  WOMAN TRIES TO SMUGGLE COCAINE UNDER WIG

  A British woman was arrested in Norway in 2008 after customs officers found a kilo of cocaine hidden under her wig. An officer at Vaernes airport thought the woman had rather a lot of hair and a closer examination revealed the bag of cocaine glued to her head.

  POLICE CALL UP WRONG NUMBER

  Paul Goldsmythe was quietly watching a late-night movie on TV when he received a phone call from the police to say there were armed officers surrounding his house. He was then told to walk out into the street in Christchurch, New Zealand, with his arms in the air and with no weapons. Alarmed by the order, he nevertheless did as he was told, but when he stepped outside nobody was there. So he went back in. That was when the police negotiator still on the other end of the phone realized he must have called the wrong number. In fact the police were surrounding a different address half a mile away. Accepting a police apology, Mr Goldsmythe said: “I was pretty hysterical because I couldn’t understand why somebody would be out front with a gun. I’m not a gang member or a drug dealer. I’m a repossession agent.”

  FARMER ATTENDS COURT CAKED IN MANURE

  A farmer charged with careless driving in a tractor after injuring a neighbour and leading police on a 12 miles per hour chase down Devon country lanes, appeared in court in 2003 caked in manure from head to toe. Anthony Boundy went straight from tending his cows to Exeter magistrates’ court, where the stench was so bad that choking staff had to throw open windows. One onlooker said: “Everything about him was brown.”

  THIEF MAKES CLEAN GETAWAY

  A burglar broke into a house in Wichita, Kansas, just so that he could do his laundry. Disturbed by the lady of the house, he fled wearing his boxer shorts. She found the laundry room in a mess and his jeans and belt in her washing machine.

  ROBBER FINISHES RAID $5 WORSE OFF

  A man walked into a store in Louisiana, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the store clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and snatched the contents of the drawer – $15. He then ran out, leaving his $20 bill on the counter, and thus finished the raid $5 out of pocket.

  BURGLAR ASKS POLICE FOR HELP WITH BREAK-IN

  After failing to break down the door of a Wisconsin church with a metal shovel, a 24-year-old man called the police for assistance. He told them he was having difficulty breaking into the church and hoped they might be able to help. When officers arrived, they found him under the influence of marijuana.

  ROBBER MAKES FATAL MOVE

  A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record store in a state of high agitation. Nervously waving his gun, the first robber yelled: “Nobody move!” When his accomplice moved, the first bandit shot him.

  ESCAPED CONVICT CHOOSES LEPRECHAUN DISGUISE

  A man who escaped from a Waco, Texas, jail in 2003 was worried that his orange prison uniform might attract attention. So he broke into a university theatre department and decided that he would blend better into the crowds by wearing a leprechaun outfit.

  COPS IN SHOOTOUT WITH EACH OTHER

  Shortly after two Seattle police officers pursuing a stolen patrol car lost sight of the vehicle, they spotted another police cruiser and mistook it for the stolen one. When they then rammed it, the lone officer inside thought he was being attacked and opened fire. In the ensuing mayhem, the three police officers in the two police cars fired more than 20 rounds at each other before belatedly realizing that they were all on the same side of the law. Luckily every shot missed its target.

  CAREER CRIMINAL SUES FOR STATE PENSION

  Having spent 30 years in jail for 19 different crimes, Austria’s Ernst Walter Stummer sued the state claiming it should pay him a pension as a career criminal.

  BEER THIEVES HOLD DRIVER’S HAIRPIECE HOSTAGE

  Making their getaway after stealing cases of beer from a San Francisco store in 2000, two thieves hijacked a taxi and forced the driver to take them to their destination by ripping off his hairpiece and holding it hostage.

  STORE WORKERS MISTAKE DRUNK FOR ROBBER

  Shop assistants at a convenience store in Waterloo, Iowa, that had been robbed twice in the previous two months mistook a drunken customer for a robber and threw a bag of money at him. When the 32-year-old man started rambling incoherently about the earlier raids and put his hand in his pocket, the workers were convinced that he was about to hold them up. So they grabbed money out of the cash register, stuffed it into a bag and threw it at him. The drunk totally ignored it and staggered out of the shop. Police later found him standing in the street near the store with watery eyes and slurred speech.

  FLEEING THIEF SMASHES HIS HAUL

  A thief fled from the Yanmonoki Museum in central Japan in 1998 with a 600-year-old Chinese platter dating from the Ming dynasty and worth an estimated $500,000. But as he made his escape, he dropped the priceless platter in the road, causing it to shatter into hundreds of pieces.

  BUNGLING BANK ROBBER LOSES HOSTAGES

  A Los Angeles bank robber took hostages during a bungled raid in 2002 but surrendered when it dawned on him that, one by one, all the captives had escaped through the front door or the bathroom window. A LAPD sergeant said: “He was on the phone, kind of looked around, and realized he had no hostages.”

  BURGLAR SCARED OFF BY MAN DRESSED AS THOR

  A homeowner scared away a burglar by running at him while dressed as the mighty Norse god Thor. The terrified intruder leaped from a first-floor window to escape builder Torvald Alexander, who was dressed as the Norse god of thunder in a red cape and silver helmet and breastplate. Mr Alexander, who had just returned from a New Year’s Eve party when he discovered the man in his Edinburgh home, said: “We were both startled but then the instant reaction was that I ran at him and he just jumped straight out of the window. He may have thought the property was empty and almost certainly would not have expected to meet a strong builder, especially one dressed in tinfoil and silver.”

  THIEVES SNATCH THE WRONG KIND OF CHIPS

  Thinking they had intercepted a stash of valuable casino gambling chips, two Las Vegas hijackers ordered the driver of a truck mark
ed “Vegas Chips” to surrender his load at knifepoint. It was only later that they discovered the vehicle was full of potato snacks instead.

  PRISONER SUES HIMSELF FOR HIS FAILINGS

  Robert Lee Brock, who was serving 23 years in jail in Chesapeake, Virginia, admitted that it was his own fault that he got drunk and committed a string of offences. So he sued himself for $5 million for violating his own religious beliefs about alcohol. However, since he was unable to work and was a ward of the state, he argued that the state should pay the $5 million. Conceding that Brock had “presented an innovative approach to civil rights litigation,” Judge Rebecca Smith nevertheless dismissed his claim as “ludicrous”.

  SUDOKU FANATICS HALT DRUGS TRIAL

  A major Australian drugs trial that had lasted over three months and cost nearly $1 million was scrapped in 2008 after a number of the jurors were found to have been playing Sudoku during the courtroom evidence. The judge in Sydney became suspicious after some of the jurors were seen writing their “notes” vertically instead of horizontally. The solicitor representing one of the accused said: “We actually thought they were quite a diligent jury. The judge had made many comments about how they were taking copious amounts of notes.” One juror claimed the number game helped focus the mind.