The Mammoth Book of Weird News (Mammoth Books)

by Geoff Tibballs

  DRUGS SUSPECT WAS AERATING HIS PIRANHA

  In 1992, Sheriff Bill Wiester announced that he had arrested a man sitting in a car in Moses Lake, Washington, who was bobbing his head up and down in a manner that suggested he was doing drugs. On closer inspection, however, it emerged that the man had a straw in his mouth and was blowing bubbles into a fishbowl he was holding in his lap in order to aerate the water for his pet piranha.

  ROBBERS FLEE AFTER BEING PELTED WITH CHEESE

  A German supermarket cashier foiled three armed robbers by pelting them with cheese. The masked gunmen burst into the store at Berlin-Wilmersdorf and demanded the daily takings but clerk Martina Bolle flatly refused to hand over any money. Instead she grabbed packs of cheese from the delicatessen counter and began throwing them at the gunmen, forcing them to flee empty-handed. A witness said: “She hit one of them smack in the face with a very ripe gorgonzola, which must have been like getting a dose of natural CS gas.”

  PARKING FINE PAYMENT LEADS TO DRUGS BUST

  A Pennsylvania man went to court in 2002 to pay an overdue parking ticket, but, for reasons best known to himself, took with him 46 packets of crack cocaine and two bags of marijuana, one of which, according to police, fell incriminatingly from his pocket as he was paying his fine.

  MAN REMOVED FRIEND’S BREAST IMPLANTS IN TEMPER

  Leonard Ruckman, 40, was arrested in Stotts City, Missouri, in 1996 and charged with assault outside a bar following an altercation over car keys. In a fit of anger, he allegedly slashed open a female acquaintance’s breast and removed her implants.

  MUGGER LEAVES HIS FALSE EAR AT SCENE OF CRIME

  James Cottrell, of Runcorn, Cheshire, left behind incriminating evidence – his false ear – when he snatched a woman driver’s bag. After attacking his victim with a hammer, he grabbed the bag while she sat in her car, but when a plastic ear was found at the scene, police quickly arrested Cottrell who they said was known to them. He was sentenced to nine years at his 2001 trial, after which officers said that his ear would be returned to him when it was no longer needed as evidence.

  COUNTERFEITER FORGETS TO DO BOTH SIDES OF DOLLAR BILLS

  Police offers reported that a Paramount, California, counterfeiter had done a thoroughly professional job creating the forged notes which he handed over to a store owner. In fact they said the only clue they had that the cash might not be genuine was that he had forgotten to print both sides of the dollar bills.

  THIEF RETURNS TO SHOP TO COMPLAIN ABOUT BEING OVERCHARGED

  A man who bought two mobile phones on a stolen credit card was arrested by waiting police after returning to a Singapore store to complain that he had been overcharged. The man had escaped on a motorcycle after snatching a woman’s handbag containing several credit cards, a cell phone and cash. He promptly bought two phones for $2,160, using one of the stolen credit cards, but by the time he went back to complain about the price, the alert store owner had summoned the police.

  STAR-STRUCK FELONS TAKE POLICE BAIT

  More than 50 wanted criminals responded to a 1997 invitation to work as extras in an upcoming Robert DeNiro movie being filmed in Boston, Massachusetts – unaware that the invitation was from police officers who were waiting to arrest them. As she and other fugitives from the law were led away in handcuffs, one woman angrily complained that she had taken a day off work.

  BANK ROBBER TRIES TO PAY OFF OVERDRAFT

  An armed robber was arrested after he held up a bank – and then returned minutes later to pay off his overdraft. Wearing a balaclava and brandishing a shotgun, the man held up the Kredi Bank in Nova Varos, Serbia, in 2009 before running out with $50,000 in cash. Staff were still recovering from the shock when the same man, this time without his balaclava, walked back in to settle his overdraft. Keen-eyed tellers recognized the distinctive trainers he had been wearing and alerted the police. A police spokesman said: “The man had been wearing bright red trainers and everyone remembered them distinctly when they saw him run out of the bank. They could not believe their eyes when they saw a man wearing the same shoes come back in, and they kept him in the bank talking about his overdraft while our officers arrived.”

  FAKE COP STOPS REAL DETECTIVE FOR SPEEDING

  James Winton, from Barrie, Ontario, specialized in impersonating a police officer . . . until one day in 2003 he had the bad luck to pull over a real Canadian detective for speeding. His bluff was called when Constable Jarrod Hunter demanded to see his police badge. Winton replied unconvincingly that he had left it at home. He was jailed for six months.

  CLEANER HITS GUNMAN WITH MOP FOR WALKING ON WET FLOOR

  Furious at seeing a man march across the Romanian shop floor she had just washed, cleaner Florica Dumitru instinctively lashed out at him with her mop – unaware that he was an armed robber. She continued battering him even after he had fired a shot at her, although fortunately he missed because of the soap in his eyes. Acknowledging afterwards that she hadn’t known he was a thief with a gun, the 42-year-old cleaner barked: “It would have made no difference. Nobody walks on my wet floor.”

  MAN DRINKS PETROL AND SHOUTS AT CARS

  A 35-year-old man was charged with disorderly conduct in Milford, Massachusetts, in 2008 after running into the street and screaming at passing cars. A witness said the man had earlier been seen getting down on his hands and knees and lapping spilt petrol from the ground at a gas station.

  SANTA ARRESTED FOR BRAWLING IN STREET

  Children watched tearfully as Santa Claus was led away in handcuffs by police following a street brawl in Great Yarmouth, Norfolk. The Santa in question – a street trader – had been involved in a fight with a member of the public who objected to him selling $1.50 presents from his sack. “It was extremely upsetting for the children to see Santa being nicked and handcuffed,” said police sergeant Steve Parsons. “A lot of them thought he was going to be put in jail so he would not be around to bring them presents on Christmas Day. We handcuffed him because he was being quite aggressive and had to be controlled. He was certainly not being very jolly on this occasion.” Santa was later released after being cautioned for a public order offence.

  BANK ROBBER FORGETS TO CUT EYE HOLES IN MASK

  Pulling a mask down over his face as he burst into a bank in Giessen, Germany, a robber suddenly realized to his horror that he had forgotten to cut any eye holes in the mask. After stumbling aimlessly around the bank, bumping into customers and crashing into walls, he finally fumbled his way to the counter where, in order to demand money, he decided to remove the mask and look straight into the bank’s security camera. Unsurprisingly he was arrested shortly afterwards.

  BURGLAR LANDS IN CACTUS PLANT WHILE MAKING GETAWAY

  When choosing to burgle a house in Anaheim, California, a man made the mistake of picking the home of police officer Luis Gasca. Thinking the burglar had a gun, Gasca fired at him, whereupon the intruder panicked, ran outside and fell into a large cactus plant. After managing to extricate himself from the cactus, he tried to jump a fence but slipped and impaled himself on a wrought iron spike. He was arrested in some discomfort at a nearby hospital.

  JUDGE SIGNS EXECUTION ORDER WITH HAPPY FACE

  A lawyer representing a death row prisoner protested in 1993 after Texas judge Charles J. Hearn signed his client’s execution order with a little “happy face” symbol. The judge insisted he meant no disrespect when he sent the order to Robert Drew, who had been convicted of the 1983 murder of an Alabama teenager. “It’s just become part of my signature,” said the judge who also put the happy face on his driving licence, checks and other courtroom documents. “It’s that simple. I’m a happy person.” But Drew’s lawyer, William M. Kunstler, complained: “It’s like he’s saying, ‘Have a nice death.’ Obviously a man with this lack of sensitivity should not have been presiding at a capital murder trial.”

  DRUGS SMUGGLER GIVES COPS EASY CLUE

  An Italian drugs smuggler tried hiding 400 grams of cocaine inside a shampoo bot
tle. But the police quickly decided that the contents of the bottle might be worth checking because the man carrying it was completely bald.

  ARMED SHRUBBERY AT FLORIDA STORE

  A man tried to rob a store in DeLand, Florida, in 2008 armed only with a palm frond. He threatened to stab the clerk with the frond if he didn’t hand over cash, but the clerk chased him out of the shop with a bar stool.

  TEENAGE ROBBER UNDONE BY POOR HANDWRITING

  A teenage girl bank robber bungled a raid in Rochester, New York, in 2002 because the teller was unable to read the writing on her holdup note. So the indecipherable note had to be passed to another teller and by the time the girl was handed a bag of money, the bank was closing and other employees were locking the doors. The girl robber ended up trapped in the foyer, where police soon arrested her.

  DRUG DEALER GATECRASHES POLICE PARTY

  A man was arrested in Ashland, Massachusetts, in 2003 after spontaneously deciding to gatecrash a party at a private home that he happened to be driving past. He thought the party would be a good place to find customers for his drug operation and was understandably dismayed when it turned out to be a gathering of off-duty police officers.

  BANK ROBBER DEMANDS MONEY FROM HIS OWN ACCOUNT

  Brandishing a rifle, a former Russian army colonel took a woman hostage at a bank in Moscow in 1999 and demanded money from his own account. The gunman, who released the hostage after being promised funds, said he needed the money to pay for an operation for his wife. A number of Russian banks had stopped depositors gaining access to their accounts in the wake of the previous year’s financial crisis.

  THIEF DEPOSITS HAUL WITH VICTIM

  Three days after stealing a collection of valuable coins, a thief in Germany took them to the bank for safe keeping – and delivered them into the hands of the man he had robbed. The thief received the shock of his life to find that his victim worked at that same bank.

  GAS STATION ROBBERS RUN OUT OF GAS

  Two men who robbed a gas station in Kirkwood, New York State, in 2009 were caught because they forgot to fill up their getaway car with petrol while doing so. Officers said they found the pair a mile away at the side of the road with their car which had run out of fuel.

  SHOPLIFTER RETURNS TO STORE TO EXCHANGE STOLEN JEANS

  In 2002, a Dutch woman stole a pair of jeans from a store, the theft being captured by its surveillance cameras. Dissatisfied with her day’s work, she later rang the store to ask if they would exchange the jeans for a larger size. When she duly returned, she seemed surprised to find the police waiting for her.

  PHOTO ALBUM BORES BURGLAR TO SLEEP

  A burglar was arrested in San Francisco in 2004 after his 73-year-old victim insisted on showing him her family photo album. The man was so bored by page after page of family snaps that he eventually fell asleep, enabling the woman to call the police.

  POLICE FIND $50,000 IN TRAVELLER’S STOMACH

  When police officers at Bogota airport, Colombia, X-rayed a nervous-looking passenger about to board a 2004 flight for Lima, Peru, they discovered $47,500 stashed away in his stomach. The photo showed dozens of latex-wrapped packets inside the man’s stomach prompting police to assume it was drugs, but when he duly passed the packages from his body, they were found to contain cash. Col. Jorge Luis Vargas, the head of Bogota’s airport police, commented: “We find drugs inside the stomachs of smugglers all the time, but this is the first time we’ve ever found dollars.”

  THIEF HIDES STOLEN CHICKEN IN UNDERPANTS

  A shoplifter in Lowestoft, Suffolk, was caught after trying to hide a cooked chicken in his underpants. When apprehended he offered to put the chicken back on the supermarket shelf.

  UNLUCKY HOOKER HITS ON COP

  Reno, Nevada, homicide detective David Jenkins was sitting in his unmarked car with the police radio on when a 19-year-old woman jumped in and propositioned him for sex. When he produced his badge and arrested her, she complained: “You wear glasses, and I didn’t think police could wear them.”

  DEFENDANT APPEALS AGAINST “TOO LENIENT” SENTENCE

  An Austrian businessman accused of maltreating his wife rejected the court’s fine of $1,200 and demanded instead that he be jailed for a year. The case arose from a domestic argument in 2000. When the wife said she wanted a divorce, her husband dragged her in front of a crucifix and shouted: “You will be chastised, woman – you will burn! Our marriage is consecrated before God – you will not end it!” Although he denied physically attacking her, he still thought the sentence was too lenient. While the public prosecutor was left baffled by the unusual request, the wife simply remarked of her husband: “He’s gone crazy.”

  BANK ROBBER MAKES GETAWAY IN ELECTRIC WHEELCHAIR

  A man in his sixties armed with a handgun robbed a bank in Palo Alto, California, in 2008 and then made a low-speed getaway in an electric wheelchair.

  PARKING TICKET PROVES COSTLY FOR IRATE CANADIAN

  Heading back to his car, a Canadian man was livid to see a police officer writing out a parking ticket. In a violent rage, he kicked the officer’s car, causing $1,000 worth of damage. As a result he was arrested and, on being searched, was found to be carrying marijuana. So he was charged with that offence, too. After all that, it transpired that the parking ticket wasn’t even for his car.

  MAN SUES HIMSELF FOR MAKING HIS LIFE HELL

  A man suffering from multiple personality disorder filed a $250,000 lawsuit against himself for making his life a living hell. Tax accountant Randy Burcheon, of Belton, Texas, apparently has six personalities, five of which are “kind, considerate people”. But, said Burcheon’s attorney, “the sixth – an unemployed, alcoholic bully known as Larry – is constantly causing trouble and destroying anything good that happens in my client’s life. This has been going on for more than ten years, and it’s time for it to stop.” According to Burcheon, Larry’s misdemeanours have included sexually harassing his girlfriend, yelling obscenities at his supervisor during an important business meeting, running up thousands of dollars in charges on his credit card at liquor stores and strip joints, subscribing to dozens of German porn magazines, and writing threatening letters to the President of the United States, which resulted in an angry visit from the Secret Service. Larry countered that the allegations were false and hired his own lawyer to defend him in court. “Randy’s lying through his teeth,” said Larry. “I never did any of those things he’s accusing me of. Personally, I think he’s dragging me to court simply because his girlfriend finds me more attractive than him. He’s just plain jealous.” All five of Randy’s good personalities declared that they were willing to testify against Larry, who, in the event of defeat, would have had to pay any settlement out of his own insurance policy as Burcheon was not a wealthy man. Nervous insurance agents were said to be hoping the case would get thrown out of court.

  BANK ROBBER WITH DYE-STAINED HANDS WAVES TO POLICE

  A suspect was literally caught red-handed after robbing a bank in Wilmington, Delaware. Police said that as Cawayne Brown made his getaway from the bank, a packet of dye hidden in the cash exploded, staining his skin fluorescent orange. A few minutes after the robbery, a man waved a friendly greeting to a passing police patrol car, the occupants of which couldn’t help noticing that the man’s hands were bright orange. After Brown was charged with robbery, a police spokesman said: “If he had gone about his business, the cop car would have gone right past him.”

  SUSPECTED GNOME RUSTLER ARRESTED

  A 53-year-old man was arrested in Brittany, France, in 2008 on suspicion of a crime spree that involved stealing ornamental gnomes from other people’s gardens. French police reportedly found 170 gnomes at his address.

  JUDGE ORDERS VOCAL DEFENDANT TO HAVE MOUTH TAPED

  Following a series of interruptions, an Idaho judge lost patience with a defendant’s disruptive behaviour and ordered court officials to tape the man’s mouth shut. Judge Peter D. McDermott took the drastic action during a 2009 probation vio
lation hearing for former mental patient Nicklas Frasure. After one verbal outburst too many, the judge told bailiffs to silence Frasure, which they did by means of a strip of duct tape. By way of mitigation, Frasure’s lawyer informed the judge: “He’s obviously not mentally competent.” As he was led out of the courtroom at the end of the hearing, Frasure offered to arm-wrestle the bailiffs.

  SOLE BLACK MAN IN IDENTITY PARADE ACQUITTED

  A Nigerian convicted of assault in Spain was acquitted in 2009 when he was found to have been the only black man in an identity parade presented as key evidence in the case. Spanish authorities conceded that the identity parade had been “badly assembled”.

  HUNGRY SHOPLIFTER TARGETS STORE

  When a woman was caught shoplifting from a store in Ottawa, Canada, in 1999, hidden under her dress were three whole chickens, a pork roast, a beef roast and a duck.

  GREEDY ROBBER PAYS THE PRICE

  A man who robbed a Post Office in Stockholm, Sweden, in 2002 demanded both a bag of cash and a sizeable deposit into his bank account, the number of which he obligingly handed to the clerk.