Falling Through Darkness

by Kira Berger

  But I didn’t say any of this and stayed home instead. Curled up in the corner of the couch with a blanket, watching some mindless TV to distract myself.

  It was three hours later when the knock came at the door, startling me from my worries. The terrible feeling started to spread through my body when I got up and hesitantly made my way to the door. I took slow and deliberate steps, knowing instinctively that whatever awaited me on the other side of this door would send my world crumbling to the ground, leaving nothing but a pile of dust. I looked through the peephole to see the police officer I talked to in order to get the restraining order against Niall standing in front of the door. Dread hit me square in the chest. Nothing good ever came from a cop standing in front of your door in the middle of the night.

  I wished I could crawl into bed, pull the blanket over my head, and pretend this wasn’t happening—whatever horrible thing this turned out to be.

  I dropped my forehead to the door, trying to find the courage to open it, when the knock at the door came again.

  “Miss Weber, please open up.” His voice was gentle and filled with compassion.

  I took a deep breath, filling my lungs with air and trying to draw strength from somewhere deep within me. I opened the door slowly, trying to delay the inevitable heartbreak.

  “Officer Wolf—” I choked. I knew, deep inside of me, whatever was about to come out of his mouth was going to destroy me. “Come in.” I had no desire to do this in the hall with everyone listening.

  I left him to close the door and moved back to the couch. I grabbed the blanket and wrapped it around myself. A shield to protect myself from the inevitable. Officer Wolf knelt in front of me. He was unable to hide his feelings, I could easily tell he was devastated.

  I sighed, wanting to get this over with—like ripping off the Band-Aid. “What happened?”

  He lay a hand on my leg, trying to comfort me with his touch. “Your family, they were on their way home, I think. The roads are slippery from the rain.” He stopped, taking a breath. I assumed he was trying to think of how to gently destroy my world. “They missed one of the many hairpin bends coming down the mountain on their way home. They drove off the road. We’re unclear as to why they missed the turn, whether they were speeding or if the brakes malfunctioned. Your brother knew those roads like the back of his hand.” He shook his head in confusion, showing his inability to find reason behind what happened.

  And I knew what was coming. Quite a few accidents happened every year during the winter on those roads—people misjudge the speed and angle of the bends and drive through the railing. My body grew cold at this point, encasing me in ice, preparing to be shattered and making it easy for the blow coming my way to do so.

  I closed my eyes tightly, wishing this was a nightmare I’d wake up from screaming any minute and curse my over-imaginative mind. But nothing happened, instead I encouraged Officer Wolf to destroy my world.

  “Keep going.”

  “I’m so sorry, Alex, but they didn’t make it. Your family—your parents, Oliver and his fiancée—they didn’t make it. They died on impact when they hit a tree at the bottom of the ravine.”

  The numbness I felt not a second ago shattered into a million pieces at his words and sharp pain, the likes I’ve never felt before, pierced through my heart. I folded in on myself, the pain so great I couldn’t hold myself upright anymore. If I would have been standing, I would have crumpled to the floor. All the strength left inside me, what little there was, disappeared when I heard those words.

  They died on impact…

  “No, no, no, no… Please, God. Don’t do this to me,” I pleaded. But no one answered my prayers. They were gone, paid the ultimate price for trying to protect my undeserving ass.

  I didn’t hear the cop trying to calm me down, or the sounds leaving my body, all I could focus on was the fact that they were dead. Gone from this world. I’d never be able hug them again, see them smile, hear them laugh.

  The next day, I got another delivery. White roses with a note stuck to them. Reading the words sent a chill down my back.

  Roses are red,

  Violets are blue,

  Guess who I’m coming for next?

  The answer is you.

  The darkness returned with a vengeance that day, completely engulfing me. I killed them. They died because of me, because I was weak and didn’t see through Niall’s bullshit to who he really was.

  I wasn’t trying to fight it anymore, I didn’t deserve to leave it behind and find happiness. Not anymore.

  It was only a matter of time before he came for me, too.

  ***

  “A few days later, the police told me the brakes failed—there was no brake fluid left. I’m not sure how, but they found a hole in the brake fluid reservoir, one so big enough fluid leaked out and caused them to malfunction. After the note, I knew Niall somehow did this. My brother took meticulous care of his car, there is no way he was careless enough to not notice a leak like that. He killed them, and now he’s here to deliver on his promise.”

  I drop my forehead to the window, unable to hold it up anymore. The pain I felt the day my family died—the pain I shoved into a box in the darkest corner of my consciousness—crashes over me. I squeeze my eyes shut, but the images assaulting my brain won’t let up. I keep seeing the blood, the twisted metal, the dead looks in their eyes. I wish the police had never shown me those pictures.

  And it’s all my fault.

  A tortured sob escapes me, but I need to get it out, all of it. He needs to know the truth. He’ll probably leave, but he earned my trust enough to know my darkest secret.

  “It’s my fault. All of it. I brought this monster into their lives, I let them leave that night. And they never made it back. I’ll never forgive myself for this. I should have tried to get them to stay home; they might still be alive today.”

  “Baby, it’s not your fault. You didn’t kill them, he did. All you did was fall in love with someone. You couldn’t have known the person he was; he fooled you, like I’m sure he fooled a lot of people in his life. None of this is your fault. You went through hell, gorgeous. But you weren’t the one who put you there. He was.”

  I jerk out of his embrace. I can’t stand to hear the conviction in his voice, the evidence of his belief in the words he’s saying. But he’s wrong. This is my fault, all of it. And he needs to realize this. He needs to finally see me for who I really am.

  “You’re wrong. I might not have been the one to drain the brake fluid, but I might as well have. I’m weak. My weakness killed them,” I yell, slapping my chest with my hand. “Me. No one else. Me. If not for me, they’d still be breathing. If I would have fought back the first time he hit me, if I would have left, if I would have done something, they’d still be alive. This”—I throw my arms wide, indicating me, my life, my surroundings—“all of this, is my fault. You don’t know me, the person I am. The monster inside me. You see what you want to see, not the truth.” With that, I turn away from him, blocking his face, his eyes that tell me how much he cares for me.

  “I’d give anything to switch places with them. Anything,” I stress. “They never deserved the fate they got. I do. I deserve whatever is coming my way. And if you’re smart, you’d get the hell out now before it’s too late. He knows about you, about us, and he’s not going to stop doing whatever he’s set out to do. He fucked with my brother’s car, I can’t imagine what he’ll do to you. You need to leave and make sure you stay far away from me before you get killed, too.”

  I fully expect him to leave, to storm out of the door and never look back. I’m prepared. It’s nothing less than I deserve. But my body is at war with itself. I want—need—him to leave, but I also ache for him to pull me into his arms.

  I wait for the sound of something, a door slamming, breaking glass, cursing. Anything. But all I hear is the sound of my own labored breathing. I wrap my arms around my waist, trying to keep myself from crumbling to the floor.

&n
bsp; I’m so absorbed in my own hell, I yelp when I’m grabbed by my shoulders and turned around. Hands are gripping my arms, shaking me gently.

  “Stop,” Duncan growls. “Don’t you fucking dare speak like this. You don’t deserve what happened to you, what is happening to you.” His hands leave my arms to frame my face and force me to look at him. And in a firm and determined voice, he keeps going, “I will not allow any-fucking-thing to happen to you.” He leans in close, his brilliant blue eyes all I can see.

  “You fucking listen to me, you are not weak. Do you have any idea how strong you have to be to survive what you did? To not crumble and give up? You’re strong; you’re brave. You survived and you fought back. Fighting is more than just physical. You took the way out presented to you. That took guts. You’re not a monster; you didn’t kill your family. He is the one who killed them, who made your life a living hell. He is the one to blame here. He is the monster. Not you.” His voice drops down to a whisper at that last part, but it doesn’t lose any of its conviction.

  I stare into his eyes, transfixed by the fire burning inside of them. It’s shining bright, soothing the tattered edges of my hurt. He truly believes what he’s saying. But, how can he? How can he not think I’m the one to blame here? Doubt is swirling inside of me, clouding my mind. I don’t know what to think.

  I’ve blamed myself for so long. I’ve blocked out everyone trying to tell me otherwise, I’m not sure I will ever see my role in all of this differently. I squeeze my eyes closed while my mind is assaulted by everything that’s happened tonight, by the past, the guilt that’s been part of my life for so long, and the fear.

  I tear my eyes away from his stare, the intensity in them too much, and look around the room. Nothing seems out of the ordinary, and yet, everything has changed.

  He has been here. In my building, in front of my door.

  Oh, my God. What if he was inside, too?

  My body freezes solid with the thought. He shouldn’t have been able to come inside, but what if he did? He’s made it past the main door?

  I look around my place frantically, trying to see if something isn’t where it’s supposed to be, but nothing jumps out at me.

  I can feel him caress my cheeks, wiping away the moisture, bringing my stare back to his. “Gorgeous, what’s wrong? I’m not gonna leave you, babe.” He makes me a promise I’ve heard before, but never with such fervor, misreading the root of my panic. “I’m not gonna run when the things get tough. I’m gonna stay right here, by your side—”

  “What if he was inside?” I cut him off, my voice high-pitched and filled with terror. “Duncan, what if he’s still here somewhere? He’s going to hurt you. We need to leave. Go somewhere—”

  “Nothing and no one will ever harm you again, not while I’m around. You hear? You have nothing to fear. Not anymore. I’ll do everything in my power to protect you, anyway I can. He won’t get to you, I’ll make sure of it.”

  The words strike at the walls around my heart. The cracks which have appeared over the last few weeks are growing. I can’t ignore them any longer. My walls are crumbling, and the gorgeous man in front of me is responsible for it. I haven’t felt vulnerable in months, swore I would never again feel like this, especially with a man. Yet, here I am, letting myself fall. But this time without a parachute or safety net, trusting this sweet, kind, and strong man will catch me before I crash to the ground and break into a million pieces no one is able to put back together.

  Morbid? Maybe. But also very much the truth.

  I might have survived the crash once before, but I have a feeling I won’t a second time, not if it’s Duncan doing the annihilating.

  I’m taken out of my thoughts by Duncan’s strong voice. “I’ll spend the rest of my life teaching you to trust me, proving to you I’m worth taking the risk, if I have to.”

  His words are a balm to my open wounds. They don’t miraculously heal them, but they soothe the hurt inflicted. And I make a decision then and there, to let go of all the things holding me back, from the past. And try to fight for the first time since all of this started. I follow my brother’s advice to live my life and not let Niall keep me from it. I just hope there will be light at the end of all of this and not more darkness.

  But I’ll also vow to myself to do everything necessary to keep Duncan safe.

  Exhausted from the emotional roller coaster that was the last hour, I plant my face in his chest and sneak my arms around his waist.

  When I whisper, “Okay,” into his chest, his arms close around me and pull me tightly against him.

  His touch calms me, but I still feel unease slither through my body at the thought that Niall might have been inside my apartment. I feel violated all over again—unsafe in a place that should be my safe haven.

  My body is still tense, and my breathing fast. I feel the urge to flee.

  “Let’s go to my place.” Duncan startles me out of my racing thoughts. “Go pack a bag and we’ll get out of here.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  “Do you want some wine?” Duncan asks me while getting up from the couch. After I packed a bag, Duncan took me to his place, making sure all the windows and doors are locked tight. We’ve spent the last hour talking about the past. I’ve told him the rest of my story, how Tom and Luna helped me get the job at the high school, how the police helped me sneak out of the country, and how I was trying to start over here.

  I explained why his actions hurt so much that first time we met—how him making me feel like a vessel solely for his dick reminded me too much of what I had left behind. After having been controlled by Niall for nearly three years, that first encounter hit too close to home. How he blamed the alcohol just like Niall used to sure didn’t help either.

  “Yes, please,” I answer while I watch him walk away from me. Damn, he does have one fine ass. I could definitely get used to being in his house while he gets me wine and enjoying the spectacular view he provides me with.

  “Like what you see?” I’m startled out of my reverie and smile at being caught.

  “Yep, your ass is swoon-worthy for sure,” I reply, causing him to burst out laughing.

  Once he calmed down he quirks his eyebrow at me. “Swoon-worthy? Really?”

  I shrug my shoulders in answer. “It’s a perfectly good word to describe that ass of yours. What? You don’t like?”

  “It sounds too much like something out of one your naughty books on your shelves,” he answers while he grabs a bottle of wine to pour me a glass. “It makes me sounds like some cheesy prince charming type guy.” He grabs himself a beer out of the fridge before he starts back to me.

  The laugh that escapes me is just what I needed after what happened today. “Pray, handsome, have you been reading my books while I wasn’t looking?”

  I can’t believe he’s actually blushing. “Maybe,” he admits. “But in my defense, you take forever to get ready when we go out. I got bored the other night and picked up the book on your nightstand to pass the time.”

  I have to roll my eyes at this. “Sure, to pass the time.” I don’t believe him for a second. The book I’m reading is rather naughty, and if the blush is any indication, he read enough of it to come across one of the wicked sex scenes it’s filled with.

  “Well, to be honest, while passing the time it also gave me a few very naughty ideas I’m going to try with you one of these days.” The smirk he’s sending is pure seduction.

  Fucking hell, even in the midst of an emotional crisis he has the ability to turn my thoughts to ripping his clothes off. By the time he sits down next to me and hands me my wine, I’m flushed and panting slightly.

  Duncan chuckles, not unaware of my reaction every time he’s near, and softly caresses the blush I know is staining my cheeks. “If not for the fact that you just had a major breakdown and finally confided in me, I’d take you to my bedroom and fuck you so hard this blush spreads all the way down your chest to your tits.” The seductiveness in his voice is contradicted
by the sweet kiss he presses to my lips.

  I can’t help the laugh escaping me. “You’re bad.”

  “I got you to laugh, didn’t it?” The wink he sends my way melts the last of the tension, and for the first time in hours, I relax back against the couch.

  I’m about to take a sip of my wine when I remember Emma and Brendan. I reach out to grasp Duncan’s arm and shake it, causing him to flinch at my sudden movement and raise his eyebrows in confusion. “What?”

  “Emma and Brendan. I totally forgot we were on our way to meet them before I…”

  The hand covering mine on his arm helps to soothe my anxiety over forgetting our friend and his brother. “Don’t worry, babe. I called Brendan after I carried you into the living room. You were in your head and not paying attention, but I knew we wouldn’t make lunch.”

  “Oh, good. I wouldn’t want them to worry unnecessarily.”

  “They’ll be over later. I wasn’t sure what was going on. And quite frankly, you scared the shit out of me, so I asked them to give us some time. I wanted to make sure you were okay before they come over. I think Brendan can help.”

  I can’t help my body’s instant reaction. Like a jackrabbit faced with a deadly predator I freeze right before I have the overwhelming urge to flee. I don’t make it one step before I find myself pulled onto a lap and strong arms wrap around me, preventing me from getting up. Miraculously, my glass filled with wine is still in my hand with only a few drops splattered on me and the floor. Knowing when I’m beat, I set the wine on the coffee table and try to relax back against his chest.