Falling Through Darkness

by Kira Berger

  “Calm down. I know you don’t want to tell them, but they’re your friends. You might not realize it, but you’ve let them in over the last two weeks, especially Emma. I know you have. And Brendan’s a cop. He knew something was wrong the first time he met you. You don’t have to face this alone, we’re all here willing to help.” He kisses my forehead softly. “You’re not alone anymore. We’re here, ready to catch you, if you let us.”

  “I–I…” I’m conflicted, unsure what to say. I never thought I’d have this again, people supporting me no matter what. But I also can’t ignore what happened last time. Niall is fucking crazy. He wouldn’t hesitate to kill all of them if he thought it necessary.

  I take a deep breath, trying to gather the tattered remains of my strength to voice my worst fear, “Wha–What if it gets you hurt?” All I can manage is a whisper, but he hears me nonetheless.

  My eyes are watching my hands twist in my lap, so I miss his expression of relief so profound it would have eliminated any lingering doubts I have about his feelings toward me—relief that I finally trust him enough to confide what really frightens me.

  “Gorgeous, nothing is gonna happen to me, to any of us. I promise.” His voice is gentle and soothing.

  “You can’t promise that. No one can. Oliver gave me the same bloody promise and look what happened.”

  “You’re right, there aren’t any guarantees in life. What I can promise you is that I will fight until my last breath to keep you safe. I will not let that monster anywhere near you. But I need your help to accomplish it. Okay? I can’t do it if you won’t work with me to keep yourself safe. No sacrificing yourself, thinking you need to play martyr because that’s what you deserve, or shit like that. Are we clear?”

  Fuck, how did he know that’s what I was willing to do if necessary? To make sure they were all safe? I’m not about to make a promise I won’t be able to keep, but I decide to give him something.

  I’ve learned a few things over the last two weeks. I’m not done living my life just yet. Duncan has reminded me what it’s like to breathe easy and free of the shackles of my past. He has given me a taste of freedom. And I want this life Duncan has shown me is possible. One that includes great friends I can rely on, and a man who won’t put up with my bullshit, but also finds my neurotic side cute instead of annoying.

  And in this moment, it hits me. I’ve been lying to myself for the last two weeks. A clarity I’ve never experienced before comes over me, and I can suddenly see my future. A future I’ve never dared to envision for myself; one my whole being aches to reach in this instance. A future, a family, my own happiness with Duncan. I can see it clearly in my mind, our lives mapped out for us, predictable in some way, yet filled with spontaneity in others. Nights filled with passion and days filled with laughter.

  And love.

  I’m not falling in love with Duncan, I’m in love with him. Deeply and irrevocably.

  I’m not exactly sure when it happened. Maybe it was the day I made my seniors listen to Gatwood’s poem, and I couldn’t hide my reaction to it—the pain and fear I felt crashing over me. And what I saw on his face was admiration and compassion, not disgust or disappointment. Or maybe it was the way he took care of me after I got wasted at the bar. Or maybe it was our date at the aquarium; the way he looked at me in front of the hippo tank will forever be engraved in my memory.

  No one’s ever looked at me like Duncan does—like I’m special. And even though I know I should let him go before he gets hurt, I can’t bear to lose this. I just have to imagine him leaving me, something I’ve done enough over the last couple weeks to know it would obliterate me. Let me tell you, having a fist trying to squeeze your heart to dust is not a pleasant feeling whatsoever, which is what this feels like.

  A life without Duncan in it.

  Nothing to hold the darkness at bay.

  No light to illuminate the way.

  But a lifetime of desolation.

  And I know I don’t want to live like this.

  I want him. I want a future filled with laughter and love. And my beacon to show me the way back from the darkness. For as long as possible.

  So, for the second time in four years, I decide to take a chance and put my heart on the line. But this time, I know who I’m giving it to. He has proven it to me plenty over the last two weeks, never reacting like I expected him to; like I was conditioned to.

  I turn on his lap to straddle him. My momentum causes him to fall back against the cushions. I lean forward and involuntarily grind myself against him. But for once I ignore my body’s reaction to being close to him. Instead, my fingers trace his heavy brow down over his cheekbones to his full lips. Taking my time to fully enjoy being able to touch him.

  “Ale—”

  “Okay.” I don’t let him finish, knowing the reprimand he was prepared to deliver for making him wait. “You’re right. There are no guarantees for anything; we could all die tomorrow because one idiot decides to push a button. I don’t want to live the rest of my life wondering what it would be like to be with you. I’m still terrified something is going to happen to you, but I remembered something my mom used to say. Love is risky, but regret is the one thing in life that kills. I forgot about it, but she’s right. The regret of not doing this with you would be far greater than the heartbreak.

  “I don’t make promises I can’t keep, but what I can promise you is to try. I’ll try to lean on you. I’ll try to accept your help, and Brendan’s. I want your help; I need it. And I’ll listen to Brendan when it comes to my safety. But I hate you’re all being dragged into this mess because of me, that I’m not strong enough to deal with this myself.”

  “Alex—” he tries to stop me.

  But I need to get it all out at once or I will never be able to. “Let me finish, please,” I ask. And without giving him a chance to say anything more, I continue, “I need to finally be honest. I’m terrified—of you, of what I feel for you, of the future, of what will happen. But the one thing that scares me the most in all of this is getting you, Emma, and Brendan killed. I wouldn’t survive that, not again. And I wouldn’t want to.”

  “Nothing will happen to any of us. I’ll make sure of that.” I can tell he believes it, is convinced to the core of his being that he can prevent anything bad from happening. But I know better. Shit happens, and there is nothing anyone can do about it.

  “You can’t promise me that, handsome,” I say while smiling at him softly. I love this about him; the fact that even though he knows just how much bad shit can happen to good people he never gives up.

  “Do you remember the first day of school when you chased me to my car?” I can’t prevent the chuckle escaping me. It feels like a lifetime ago, so much has changed since then. I can’t believe how much I used to dislike him.

  He doesn’t find the reminder amusing, apparently, if his groan is anything to go by. “Don’t remind me, babe. I nearly made you cry that day being a fucking idiot.” The remorse on his face is clear. He’s still beating himself up for that debacle.

  “Let it go. That’s not why I mentioned it.” I fill my lungs with much-needed oxygen one last time before I lay myself bare. “The reason I mention it is because you just proved me wrong. You proved to me you’re different. You gave me space when I needed it, but at the same time never gave up, even when I was a complete bitch. You make me feel safe, have since the moment I met you, even if I wasn’t going to acknowledge it to myself.”

  I lean down to kiss him. I pour all the feelings flowing through my system into this kiss, trying to show him what I’m too afraid to say out loud. But like every time we kiss, it goes from heated to scorching in a nanosecond. It doesn’t matter that my crazy ex is out there somewhere. Right now, it’s just him and I and this connection we share.

  I press against him while his hands roam my back before they grip my ass, pulling me harder against his erection. I get lost in the kiss and the friction of my pussy grinding on his dick. The sensations currently
wreaking havoc inside of me are keeping me occupied and wanting more—needing more.

  I squeal in surprise when he suddenly stands up with me in his arms. Once we make it to his bedroom, he lays me gently on the bed and leans over me, his hands planted beside my head. For a moment, he stares at me without saying a word.

  “Thank you for opening up to me. I know how difficult that was for you, making yourself vulnerable like that. But I promise you, I’ll cherish it for the rest of my days.” His eyes are burning with heat and sincerity. “You’re safe with me.”

  I reach up to cup his cheek, reveling in the knowledge that this amazing man likes me for me, including my baggage. “Thank you.”

  His smile is soft and filled with promises. My heart aches at the emotions behind his eyes and the sincerity of his words.

  He leans down for a kiss, but instead of escalating the heat, he takes his time exploring me. The kiss is slow and deep. I melt into the kiss, trying to intensify the feelings inside me. Instead, he breaks away and starts to kiss his way down my throat.

  He slowly starts to undress me, taking his time caressing my body, reassuring me he will always be there to catch me. Emotions so intense they leave me breathless collide inside of me, filling me up. The realization that Duncan will always take care of me however I need chases the remaining doubts I have away.

  Once I’m naked, he makes short work of his own clothes. He goes to grab a condom out of his wallet when I stop him, “I’m on the pill.” My voice is soft but filled with conviction.

  “Are you sure? We can—”

  “Yes,” I interrupt without hesitation. “I trust you, handsome.” His answering smile is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

  He moves back over me and gives me some of his weight. I can feel his hard dick pressed against my pussy as he slowly enters me. I arch up, trying to get him to hurry, but instead he stops once he’s fully inside of me. I get lost in his eyes, the emotions behind them, and realize Duncan is about to make love to me.

  When he starts to move inside of me, he makes sure to caress every inch of my body, causing my body to shiver and a moan to leave my throat.

  I’ve never felt anything like this before. With each stroke the fire inside of me burns brighter. With each caress the pleasure he brings me intensifies, bringing me closer to the release I desperately need.

  “No matter what happens, Alex, I’ll always be there for you. You’re perfect, and I have no intention of letting you go. Ever.” With each word, the fear I’ve felt ever since I’ve opened up to him he recedes until there is nothing left but ecstasy.

  He keeps making love to me, eliciting feelings inside of me I’ve never felt before and doubt I’ll ever feel again. His gaze keeps mine captured while he brings me to a peak I know will alter me forever. He’s showing me exactly what I needed to see after I laid myself bare.

  We cry out in unison, both of us finding completion. The pleasure is flowing through my body, setting my nerve endings on fire, giving me something special I never knew I needed. I shudder, the feelings he evoked inside of me with his gentle yet passionate love making stealing my breath.

  I watch as the same passion clouds his features, letting me see his feelings for me in this moment. He plants himself deep inside of me, and I savor the closeness we just created. I let my fingertips wander up and down his spine, coming down from the most intense sensation I’ve ever experienced.

  We stay like this for a while, enjoying the moment. I relish the tranquility after the chaos that swirled around inside of me.

  Duncan looks at me with a soft smile and pulls out of me, causing me to whimper at the loss of him.

  Our quiet moment is interrupted when I hear his ringtone in the distance. When the phone stops and starts right back up again, he gives me a quick kiss before getting off the bed. “Let me go get this, it’s probably Brendan calling to see what is going on.”

  Hearing his brother’s name has the equivalent effect of an ice-cold bucket of water being poured over my head. All the heat that filled my body not a second ago flees my system and is replaced by dread. The reason for their visit, and the last couple hours filled with vulnerability, come crashing back.

  “Shit.” This time, my groan isn’t filled with desire but trepidation.

  “Gorgeous, it will be fine,” he says in a soothing voice while he stops to look at me. Not that it helps. “They’ll understand.”

  “If you say so,” I say. The tremor in my voice conveys just how much I’m dreading the next hour; the fear of rejection and blame.

  But I promised to try and reach out. I’ve made the decision to trust Duncan and by extension his brother. I want to try to stand in the light instead of being shrouded in darkness for the rest of my days.

  With a deep sigh, trying to cleanse the doubt creeping in from my mind, I get up and move toward Duncan. I slide my arms around his waist and kiss him on the chest before I lean my forehead against it.

  “I trust you,” I say. “Let’s call him back so we can get this over with and hopefully put it behind us.”

  He kisses the top of my head before he moves away toward where his phone keeps ringing, but I can hear him mutter, “Proud of you.”

  Chapter Twenty

  I’m engulfed in Duncan’s arms and we’re sitting in his armchair. I’ve just finished telling my story hopefully for the last time, while Emma and Brendan are sitting next to each other on the couch. His arm comfortingly around a silently crying Emma. Brendan on the other hand looks menacing, like he’s ready to kill someone, very much like his brother looked when I told him.

  Duncan was right, they don’t judge me, look at me in disgust, or place the blame at my feet for what happened. Their reaction was the complete opposite of what I expected, they were heartbroken—for me—but also supportive, and angry. I didn’t expect the anger from either one of them, especially Brendan who I’ve met only a couple times before today.

  “Motherfucker,” Brendan practically growls.

  The need to apologize is strong, but when I tried before both Duncan and Brendan looked like they wanted to punch something, or someone, so I stay quiet. My past has conditioned me to expect nothing but abuse, so accepting the support good people around me are offering isn’t something that’s coming easy.

  “I’m so sorry this happened to you,” Emma says with tears still running down her face. She looks at me for a moment before she jerkily stands up and walks over to me. She grabs my hands to pull me up, and suddenly I’m engulfed in a surprisingly strong hug.

  “I could see you were dealing with something,” she whispers. “But didn’t want to… I’m here for you, okay? No matter what. I won’t abandon you or let you push me away.” She leans back to stare into my eyes, an intensity is filling her eyes I’ve never seen before. It looks good on her.

  A weak, “Okay,” is all I can manage. The fact that she knows me already enough to know I would have tried to push her away, same as I did with Duncan, increased the cracks in the wall surrounding my heart.

  Her smile is weak but resilient, showing just how strong she is under that gentle exterior. She dries her tears while walking back to the couch. Brendan’s arm circles her shoulders again as soon as her ass hits the cushion.

  I frown in confusion at the move. Emma still hasn’t truly confided in me about what is going on with Brendan, but I also haven’t pressed her for answers, sensing she will confide in me whenever she’s ready. I’ve seen the shadows in the depths of her chocolate colored eyes when she didn’t think anyone was paying attention. Pain tends to recognize kindred spirits. But she’s given me space when I didn’t want to talk, so it’s only fair I return the favor and let her tell me when she’s ready.

  “You said you have a restraining order in Europe in place?” Brendan asks, dragging me out of my musings.

  “Yes,” I answer when I feel a strong hand at my waist, pulling me sideways onto Duncan’s lap. I can see both Brendan and Emma laugh at my expression. While
Duncan hasn’t been shy over the last week to show affection, he’s never been quite this demonstrative. The proprietary arm he’s placed around me and the hand on my thigh speak a different tale though. It’s like he’s afraid I’ll vanish in a puff of air any second. So, I place an arm around his shoulder, trying to reassure him that I don’t plan on going anywhere—not if I can help it.

  I look away from Duncan only to catch identical blue eyes watching me in amusement. Unfortunately, the amused smile is gone too soon, and Brendan sits up straight, eyes alert. Looks like he’s gone all cop on us.

  “That restraining order won’t do you much good here, but we can file for a temporary one for Pennsylvania. The problem will be that we don’t know where he is to serve him. I can try to find out if he’s made it into the country, I have some connections. If he sent the flowers through an online service it will be more difficult. Do you have any evidence with you? And maybe you can get the police report from overseas to corroborate all of this?”

  “Yeah, I actually have a copy of everything. I might have been too stupid to leave when I should have”—I ignore the disapproving looks I get from the two sitting across from me or the growl coming from the man at my back—“but I kept everything. I have pictures. There are hospital reports from when he broke my arm a few times. And the police actually gave me their report and the restraining order when they helped me leave the country undetected—or well they tried to anyway.”

  “That’s good. We can’t do much right now, since he hasn’t done anything yet in the States. But it sounds like he’ll make his move soon, if the note is anything to go by. And when he does we have a much better legal standing to put him behind bars for a long fucking time.”

  “So, we just wait for him to fucking hurt her?” Duncan seethes, betraying just how unhappy he is with this. Not that I’m surprised, he’s not the type to sit back and wait for shit to happen.

  “Unfortunately, yes. We can’t do much right now besides file for a restraining order. The flowers and note won’t be enough to arrest him. He can just claim he was trying to win you back but didn’t plan any harm. The fact that we don’t even know if he’s in the country or not, or where he is, complicates things.” His expression lets us know he isn’t any happier with this. “But we won’t let anything happen to her, bro. I promise. I’ll talk to my chief. He isn’t a fan of women being beaten any more than we are, so I’m sure he’ll agree to let me investigate. We have a picture, so I’ll tell everyone to be on the lookout. We’ll protect her, brother. Nothing is going to happen.”