A Grateful Kind of Love

by Ellie Wade

  A moment later, we’re plated up and sitting at the dinner table.

  I try the risotto and release a satisfying hum. “Yes, this is heaven. Best seven-minute risotto on the planet.”

  “Right? I agree. We’ll definitely add this one to our to-make-often pile.” Landon takes a drink of his water. “So, there’s another reason that I got home early today.”

  “Oh, yeah? What’s that?” I ask.

  “Well, I have a surprise for you.”

  I set my fork down and give Landon my complete attention. “I love surprises.”

  “I have tickets for us to see P!nk tonight in Detroit.”

  I squeal, “Oh my gosh. No way!” I push away from the table. Landon turns his chair toward me, and I jump onto his lap, straddling him. “I love P!nk so much.”

  He laughs. “I know.”

  “Thank you! Thank you!” I pepper kisses all over his face. “When do we have to leave?”

  “We have plenty of time. The show doesn’t start until seven.”

  “Oh, good. So, I have time to take a shower?”

  “Absolutely.”

  I shoot him a wicked grin. “Are you going to shower with me?”

  “You know it.” He grins back.

  “Good, because I really want to show my gratitude for the concert tickets.” I drag my finger across his bottom lip.

  He nips my finger, and his expression turns to one of desire. “I bet you do.”

  “Clean up dinner later?”

  “Yes, definitely.” He stands from his chair, lifting me up with him.

  I gently pull on his earlobe with my lips and kiss his neck as he walks us to the bathroom.

  He turns on the shower and we both step in.

  The warm water hits my skin as Landon’s hands glide down my arms. I circle my arms around his bare waist and hold him to me.

  I don’t know why I resisted my feelings for Landon for so long. Now that I have him, I can’t fathom how I lived without him.

  “I love you so much,” I say against his chest.

  “I love you,” he responds, lightly dragging his fingers against the skin of my back.

  Part of me finds this all so hard to believe—this life that Landon and I are living.

  There was a time in my life where happiness like this wasn’t even on my radar. I didn’t know it existed in this intense capacity. I’m so fortunate that Landon never gave up on me and that he continued to fight for us, for this.

  Because this is everything.

  Amy

  Puppy kisses.

  Landon kisses.

  Love.

  Thank God for air-conditioning, I think as I walk toward my house, mail in hand.

  It’s only June, and despite wearing just a light sundress, a simple walk out to the mailbox has beads of sweat forming on my head.

  I don’t know why I bothered to straighten my hair.

  Michigan summers are always hot and humid, but today is exceptionally so. Yet nothing can ruin this day, even the damp curls starting to form against the skin of my neck under my perfectly straightened hair.

  I open the front door where I’m greeted by two of my favorite things—cool air and Tucker. My fur baby immediately starts licking my legs.

  “Stop it.” I giggle, tossing the mail onto the small table next to the door. I bend down and squeeze his little smooshy face. “I love you, Tuck Tuck Baby.”

  Tucker—also called Tuck Tuck, Tuck Tuck Baby, Tucka Tucka Choo Choo, Tucky, Tuckers, Freckles, and Piglet—is the most recent love of my life. The last two nicknames are due to the fact that he has brown freckles all over his white coat, and when he’s sleeping, he looks like a pig. It’s adorable.

  I follow a dog rescue on Facebook, and they rescued this little guy and his siblings from a bad situation in Detroit. I see this rescue’s posts every day, and I like and comment on all of them to make sure Facebook gives them visibility, but there was something about the post where they rescued Tucker that I couldn’t get out of my head. I actually messaged every person involved with the organization until I was approved as a foster and got the puppies—all eight of them.

  I definitely hadn’t thought it all through. Puppies are an immense amount of work, and I’m at the hospital for twelve- to fourteen-hour shifts. Thankfully, Landon stepped in to help me. We had the puppies for a month, and I don’t think either of us had ever been so tired, but it was amazing. All the babies are adopted out now. I miss them, but I love spending time with just Tucker.

  The entire ordeal made me love Landon more, which I hadn’t thought was possible. There’s just nothing sexier than a guy who lets me sleep in while he goes and cleans up puppy poop. That’s true love right there.

  “Are you ready to go see Grandma, Grandpa, and Auntie Kiki?” I say in the most annoying baby voice ever as I rub Tucker’s belly. “Daddy’s going to be here soon, and then we’ll go.”

  Grabbing a hair tie from the bathroom, I opt to braid my hair, allowing my loose braid to hang over my shoulder. There’s no sense in trying to fight the humidity today.

  Tucker leaves my side and goes barking down the hallway, indicating Landon’s arrival.

  I should really work on curbing his immense love of obnoxious barking.

  I walk out of the bedroom toward Landon’s baby voice. Landon’s down on his knees, rubbing Tucker’s belly.

  “You’re just the cutest little guy,” Landon tells him as Tucker’s tongue hangs out to the side.

  I’ve realized that the two of us as puppy parents are, on the whole, quite pathetic. But we couldn’t care less. We’re pathetic and blissfully happy.

  “How’d it go?”

  Landon tilts up his face, flashing me his beautiful smile. “Great,” he says, standing and pulling me into a hug.

  He presses his lips to mine.

  Landon always greets me with a kiss, and it’s one of my favorite parts about him. His hello kisses are always slow, soft, and full of so many promises. I’m addicted to them. He never rushes them. Each movement of his lips is a declaration, and when he pulls back, my entire body is humming with adoration.

  “So”—his arms are still wrapped around me—“she thinks it will sell for about a hundred thousand over what I owe.”

  I gasp in surprise. “Really? That’s amazing.”

  “I know. I couldn’t believe it when she told me.”

  Landon met with a realtor this morning. He’s been living with me since we started dating. He only goes home when he needs something. We figured we might as well make it official. There’s no sense in him paying a mortgage on a house he doesn’t use.

  “You ready for today?” He kisses my forehead before releasing me.

  I follow him to the couch. Tucker jumps up between us, and we gladly pet him.

  “Definitely. I’m so ready.”

  Landon purses his lips. “Oh, really?”

  “Yes.” I chuckle. “It’s time.”

  “Uh, that it is.” He shakes his head with a grin.

  Landon and I are driving home to tell our parents that we’re dating, and I suppose we should let them know we’re living together.

  He wanted to tell the entire world nine months ago when we decided to give our relationship another go after Jax and Stella’s wedding.

  But I didn’t.

  It’s probably stupid of me, but everything has been so great these past months. I love living an hour and a half away from our parents. We can go home anytime we want, but it’s far enough away that it feels like this town, Ann Arbor, is ours. It’s our happy place.

  Here, I can love Landon without worrying what my family thinks. I can submerse myself in this life that he and I have created without any of the guilt that will come once our relationship is paraded in front of Lily and I can see the unspoken heartache in her eyes. She lost a Porter boy, and I gained one. It doesn’t seem fair, and I wish it were different. I wish more than anything that my sister would get her happily ever after. The last thing I want to do is
cause her pain. Maybe living my love story with Landon here, in Ann Arbor, away from the family, is selfish. I get all the wonderful parts without having to deal with the hard stuff. It’s taken a long time for Landon and me to find our way back to each other, in this capacity, so, yes, maybe it’s wrong to have kept it for so long from our families, but I needed it. I needed to keep Landon to myself for as long as I could.

  But he’s right. It’s time.

  Technically, Jax and Stella live in Ann Arbor, too, and I thought that we’d see them more. Landon and Jax were always pretty close, growing up, but Jax has pulled away since the wedding. I suppose he’s just enjoying a blissful married life. I’m hoping, once he and Stella are out of the honeymoon period, they’ll come around more.

  I’m not sure. Maybe Jax doesn’t bring Stella around because he senses the family’s energy. No one has been anything but kind toward Stella. But I’d be lying if I said any of us understood the pairing. We’re all still a little confused. Perhaps, if we saw her more, we’d see what he does.

  Despite knowing that our visit home today is necessary, part of me is afraid to tell my parents about Landon and me. I just don’t want anything to put a damper on my relationship with him. I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and I want it to stay that way. The last Porter and Madison couple is still breaking our families’ hearts. I know Jax and Landon’s parents still think Lily is the one Jax should’ve married. I know my parents do.

  Lily’s off in New York, trying to pretend that she’s fine when we all know she’s not. I suppose we’re all still grieving. The Porters didn’t lose Lily, and we didn’t lose Jax, but in a sense, we did. We lost the future that we’d all envisioned since the moment Jax and Lily’s relationship turned romantic so many years ago. We lost the life we had been so sure they’d have. Our hearts hurt, for them and for us. Breakups are hard on families, but in Jax and Lily’s case, it was so much worse than most.

  Landon slides his hands up and down my sides. “We have the right to be happy, too, Amy. Jax and Lily will be happy for us. Just because their relationship ended doesn’t mean we all have to stop living our own lives. You know this,” he says, knowing exactly what I’m thinking without me saying a word.

  I nod. “And I know they’ll be happy for us. I just really love us, the way we are, just us.”

  As if he could understand English, Tucker whines for more attention.

  I laugh and pet his belly, “Us and Tuck Tuck Baby,” I clarify.

  “You’re scared,” Landon says. “You want to protect your sister from our relationship in case it brings up sadness over losing Jax. You’re afraid of telling the world because that means that it’s real, and if for some crazy reason we don’t work out, you won’t be able to pretend that we were never together. You’ll have to face your sadness.”

  “No.” I shake my head and put my hand on his. “I don’t ever want to pretend that we didn’t happen. That’s not it.”

  He shrugs. “I think it’s part of it. I’m not trying to be mean, Ames. You know I love you. I simply feel that our breakup was so difficult last time—almost impossible to heal from—and you didn’t have inquiries from your family. Losing someone is harder in a way with close families because they are a constant reminder of what you lost. But you have to remember that they’re also a blessing because they can help you heal. Sometimes, being vulnerable and allowing others to shoulder some of your heartache helps.”

  I really listen to his words and realize that perhaps he’s right. “Maybe I am trying to protect myself. I was severely depressed after losing you and the baby last time. That was such a dark time in my life. Subconsciously, I know I’d do anything to avoid feeling that way again. But you’re right. Letting my family in more back then could’ve helped.”

  “Honestly, babe, you have nothing to worry about. I’m so incredibly in love with you. I’m not going anywhere. Unless you grow tired of me and kick me to the curb, you’re stuck with me.”

  “I know,” I say softly.

  “Do you though? Do you really know? You’re still guarding your heart. Maybe you don’t see it, but I do.” He stops and pins me with his stare. “Do you love me?”

  My eyes widen with shock at his question. “Of course I do. You know that.”

  “Are you happy?”

  “Yes, I am, so happy,” I answer him.

  “Then, be happy. Push through your worries because, I’m telling you, there’s joy on the other side of the fear that is so all-encompassing, and it’s going to blow your mind. But the only way there is through your fear. Don’t be afraid anymore.” His voice is comforting, and it’s not until he stops talking that I realize I have tears streaming down my face.

  My lip quivers, and my voice shakes. “I’m terrified to go back there. I don’t know if I’d be able to make it out again.” I speak of the darkness and depression that held me under for so long, and my heart immediately starts to race with anxiety.

  For the most part, I don’t think about my freshman year all too often. I’d like to believe that I’m over it. Yet Landon just reminded me that I’m not, and it’s terrifying.

  “You would,” he reassures me. “You know the signs now. You know where to go to get help.” He takes my face in his hands, gently wiping my tears with his thumbs. “Look, I want to say that you’ll never experience depression again, and if we’re lucky, you won’t. But I can’t promise something that I don’t know.” He lowers his hands and takes mine in his.

  “But I can tell you this … you and me, we’re forever. If depression finds you again, it won’t be because I left. If you slip into the darkness, I’ll fight to pull you out. I’ll call every doctor in the state until we find the one to help you. Just, please, don’t let the possibility of depression ever hold you back. We only get one life, Amy.”

  Tucker licks our joined hands, and my lips turn up into a smile.

  “Okay,” I agree.

  “You ready to go tell the parents?” He grins, making my heart ache, full of love.

  “Yes. Ready.”

  “Good.” He leans in and presses his lips against mine.

  All of his kisses communicate so much, but this one is a declaration of forever.

  “Landon?” I say when he pulls away.

  “Yes?”

  “I’m going to marry you someday,” I tell him.

  “Hell yes, you are, Amy Madison.”

  His lips claim mine once more.

  “Okay, do you have Tucky’s food bowl?” I ask Landon.

  “Yes.”

  “Water bowl?”

  “Yep.”

  “His food?”

  Landon holds up the Ziploc bag of food, showing me that he has enough food for several days, let alone a visit.

  “Leash?”

  “Check.”

  “Toys?”

  “Tons of them.”

  “His favorite tug rope?” I double-check.

  “Yes. But you do know that we’re going for the afternoon, not a lifetime?” He chuckles.

  “I just want to make sure he has everything he needs. Oh, what about those doggy motion-sickness pills for the car ride?”

  “He loves the car. It’s never made him sick.”

  “Just in case?”

  Landon shakes his head with a grin. “He’ll be fine. I promise.”

  “Oh! His blankie?”

  “Several.”

  “But did you get his favorite one? The fleece with the Miss Piggy heads on it?”

  “Decapitated Miss Piggy blanket, check.” He makes a check mark motion with his finger in the space in front of his body.

  “His harness for his seat belt?”

  “Amy, turn around.”

  I look behind me to see Tucker strapped into his doggy seat belt in the backseat behind Landon. His tongue hangs out as he pants. He’s completely carefree and happy.

  I face front. “Okay, fine. We can go.”

  “Ya sure?” he asks with an edge of humor.

 
“Yes, I’m sure.” I buckle my seat belt.

  He starts to back out of my drive.

  “Wait!” I say, and he presses the brakes. “Did I already ask you about his food? Oh, yeah, I did. Okay, continue.”

  “Your mama is silly, isn’t she, Tuck?” Landon says as he pulls out onto the main road before he addresses me. “You’re a very good puppy mama, Ames. But you do know that he’s a dog, right? He’ll be happy with the grass at your parents’ place.”

  “I know. I’m just nervous, I guess. I want to make sure everything goes perfectly.” I rub my palms up and down my arms, calming the goose bumps that popped up as a result of the frigid air blowing from the car’s vents.

  I reach toward the AC controls and turn the airflow down a couple of notches. Landon’s phone rings from the center console. His mother’s name pops up on the radio’s display through Bluetooth.

  “Just hit Ignore,” he tells me.

  I push the button on the car display to send her call to voice mail. I look to Landon in question.

  “We’re going to see her in an hour. I’ll talk to her then. I want her to be surprised,” he explains.

  “She can’t see me through the car speakers,” I tell him.

  “True, but—”

  Tucker cuts him off with an obnoxious bark, apparently at an older gentleman who’s passing us in a bright yellow convertible.

  “That.” Landon motions toward the puppy in the back.

  I chuckle. “Yeah, true.” I twist toward the backseat and address Tucker, “What’s wrong, buddy? Are you not a fan of men in the middle of a midlife crisis? Or is it just the horrible yellow color that’s bothering you?”

  He answers me by chewing on his paw.

  The remainder of the ride goes by quickly. Landon pulls his car into my parents’ drive. We get Tucker out and put him on a leash, so he doesn’t run off into the road. He’s still not good at coming when he’s called.

  Mom’s sitting at the kitchen table on her cell phone. She doesn’t look well.

  “Well, let us know when your flight comes in. One of us will get you at the airport,” she says into the phone. After a pause, she ends with, “See you soon, sweetie.”