Where To From Here?

by Ursula Paul

  As he left on the third day Joe expressed his gratitude to Dave by passing over a bottle of expensive wine.

  “Thanks, Joe. There was no need for that. Still, we’ll enjoy it immensely,” he added, with a laugh. Then continued seriously, “You’ve come a long way in a few days, Joe. But don’t be disappointed if you slip back a bit – it’s a long road. Keep pushing ahead – you’ve already come a long way. And, don’t forget, there is life ahead.”

  “Thanks,” Joe whispered as he squeezed the offered hand. “And the guys and I will meet up with you for a drink soon I hope,” he added.

  “I’d like that,” Dave answered meaningfully.

  Chapter Eighteen

  The flight to Melbourne was on time. Joe boarded almost mechanically. The plane taxied, took off and was soon soaring like a giant eagle on its way. As the miles melted away, Joe began to question himself – is this such a good idea? It was his own idea. And it had to be now – back to parish work in western NSW next week. Once he would have looked forward to this visit, trying to bring the past into the present, and wallowing in his own pain and despair. Now it was different. He had faced what he really knew but would not accept before – the past was over, could never return. Repercussions could surface, yes, special memories, yes, but the actual past, no.

  Almost mechanically he mounted and exited bus and tram. The cemetery lay before him – a green field covered in hundreds of crosses and emblems commemorating moments in time. As though in a trance he moved slowly down the road, turned at the intersection and continued down the next road flanked by tall oak trees. Toward the end of the road, in a quiet cul-de-sac, he knelt beside the grave, of which he had dreamed for so many months.

  For some time he remained there, kneeling, hardly moving. He neither felt the warmth of the soft green grass on which he knelt, nor saw the distant purple hills at which he was staring.

  The laugh of a kookaburra as it rested on a nearby tree, shook him out of his trance.

  He looked down at the pen and paper he had taken from his pocket.

  “Yes. I must do it,” he whispered.

  Dearest Nae,

  and then the pen stopped as his body stiffened. “Oh, Nae!” he almost shouted. The kookaburra stopped laughing. Silence hung heavily.

  Moments later he picked up the pen and continued.

  At last I have accepted that our relationship on earth is over. But I still love you deeply and… I need you.

  Once again he let the pen fall as his body heaved. “I need you. I love you,” he continued to whisper between sobs.

  Later – how much later he did not know – he picked up the pen and continued.

  Nae, thank you for your love and friendship, for the wonderful times – all too short – that we shared. Now you are gone and we will never meet again in this life. I am letting you go, my dearest Nae – you are free. Wherever you are, wherever you go, be happy and at peace. God hold you close. I love you.

  He folded the written page and pushed it into his pocket.

  He knew he would remember her in the prayer of his Mass each day. And he knew also, occasionally he would allow himself to return in memory to the happy times.

  Slowly he rose. As he gently brushed the simple white cross, he whispered, “Good-bye Nae, my darling. I love you.”

  Slowly he turned and walked away.

  Chapter Nineteen

  The return flight from Melbourne was smooth and on time. Julian had insisted Joe spend a couple of days with him before he drove west. Julian was waiting at the airport, but he was not alone. Smiling, beside him was Eddie.

  “How wonderful!” Joe exclaimed as they became entangled in their so-called football scrum.

  “Explain!” Joe ordered.

  “Well,” Julian began. “I know you both were quite separated when your ten year anniversary came up. So, even if a couple of years late, time to celebrate.”

  “Yes,” Eddie added. “He organized it all - even to getting time off for me.”

  “And,” Eddie added. “Our ten years is not the only occasion for celebration. I found out only this morning when I arrived – Julian has passed all exams – tops of course – is now on the way to becoming a barrister. Also picked up an MA on the way!”

  “Sounds like a pick pocket,” Julian laughed.

  “Congratulations, Julian. This is terrific.”

  “Thanks, Joe.”

  Joe knew his friends had been worrying about him. “I’ll get in first,” he began. “I couldn’t have made it through these last couple of years without your support and friendship. Just to let you know – I’ve started on the path of healing. Mum started it, then I had some sessions with Dave. As you know, I’ve been to Nae’s grave. I’ve started to let go – the past is over. There’ll be hard times ahead, but…”

  “You’ll be okay mate.”

  “We’re always here, you know.”

  They drove in silence for a short while.

  “By the way – you’re both staying with me for a couple of days,” Julian announced. “I’ve fixed it up with your ‘bosses’. They both agree you deserve a break – even though short.”

  “Julian, that’s great. Thanks,” they both chorused.

  “Now I have some news.” Julian spoke quietly.

  “On top of all results!” Eddie exclaimed.

  “They’re minor to the big news,” Julian smiled. “I’m engaged to be married.”

  The surprise on the faces of both listeners was not feigned.

  “Wow!” Eddie exclaimed. “Surprise! Congratulations.”

  “Yes,” Joe added quietly. “Congratulations.”

  “Tell us more,” Eddie added.

  The next couple of days were happy and relaxing for all. Eddie and Joe confided to each other that they approved of Sinead – she and Julian seemed suited to each other and were, to all appearances, very much in love.

  The couple of days passed all too quickly. Eddie and Joe were once again heading west – Eddie back to Bourke and Joe to his new position in Coonamble.

  Part Two

  Julian

  Chapter One

  Julian knew that Simon’s passing had affected them all. They all shared the anger for what they believed was the reason for Simon’s death. Yet they all believed that Simon was beyond that now – Simon was at peace. Joe, with his own heartache, and Eddie would each deal individually with the loss of a special friend. He, too, would deal with this loss in a similar fashion. But he also had to face another loss – a different loss. Knowingly and willingly, he accepted that he was no longer called to priesthood – to ministry perhaps, but no longer to priesthood. In the near future he would have to face the loss of a lifestyle to which he had given his best for the last nine years.

  Now he had faced his inner questions and had made the decision, he felt at peace about his future – unsure, yes, but at peace.

  His decision made, and having shared it with Joe and Eddie before any appointment with his bishop, he needed to talk it over with his family.

  The occasion arrived within a couple of weeks, when he had already organized time out for a family celebration – his nephew’s first birthday celebration.

  It had been a busy, happy event. Tom and Meg were preparing to leave with the birthday celebrant when Julian asked, “Sorry to hold you up. But could you stay a bit longer?”

  “Sure,” Meg replied.

  “Anything wrong?” Tom asked.

  “All’s well,” Julian assured them. “Just wanted a brief family gathering.”

  Julian, always at ease with his family, found no trouble in sharing his feelings and his present decision.

  “You’ve thought this through.” His father’s comment.

  “You know we are always behind you in any decision you make,” from his mother.

  “Follow what the inner man is telling you,” Tom added.

  His family backed him completely. Talk flowed. Julian was assured his family was right behind him in this big d
ecision as they would be in any major decision in his life.

  “Meg will drive home,” Tom laughed after a whispered conversation with his wife. “Any champagne put aside for a special occasion, Dad?”

  “We’ll find something,” his father added.

  As a family they toasted Julian’s future.

  Chapter Two

  Julian had never experienced a ‘cold feet’ feeling – that is until that moment. As he turned the corner to the bishop’s residence, the moment he had dreaded was fast approaching.

  He was greeted by Bishop Bernard himself.

  “Come in, Julian. Come into the lounge – more comfortable there.”

  For the first fifteen minutes, conversation flowed – news of the world, family, general topics.

  Can’t prolong this any further, thought Julian.

  “Bernard,” he began, “I’d better get down to the reason I requested this meeting.”

  “Sure, Julian. Don’t look so serious!” Bernard laughed.

  “Firstly, I assure you this is not a snap decision,” Julian began. “I have thought about it and prayed about it for months.” He paused, then continued, “I am asking your permission to leave.”

  “Certainly,” began the archbishop. “Time out from Canon Law for a while, or a change of parish, or both?”

  “No! No!” exclaimed Julian. “Sorry Bernard. I did not make myself clear. I am asking for a permanent dispensation from my priesthood.”

  The bishop’s face fell. The shock he was obviously experiencing was mirrored in his expression.

  “For a short time?” he asked hesitantly.

  “No, Bernard. I am asking that you request for me from Rome permanent dispensation from my vows. My call to ministerial priesthood is no longer there.”

  Silence fell heavily for the next few minutes.

  Then Bernard began, “I can’t deny I’m shocked!” His shock was apparent. “But Julian, does it have to be so final right now? I would suggest for the present you take ‘time out’ – no final decision, just time out from your priestly duties to think and pray about your future.”

  Julian smiled wanly. “Bernard, I have been thinking and praying for months.” He paused, then continued, “I’m not turning my back on God – no, just the opposite. I will try to explain to you how I have come to this decision.”

  Bernard sat stiffly, but listened intently. For Julian, the pressure he had felt prior to the meeting had lifted. He now felt free to endeavour to explain to his bishop the spiritual road he had travelled during the past year. He began by explaining the initial uneasiness of his subconscious, the shock as it rose to his consciousness, the quest to seek answers to questions it surfaced, the months of seeking through thought and prayer, and the final realization that he was no longer called to priestly ministry.

  “But you could be wrong,” Bernard almost whispered.

  “Perhaps,” answered Julian. “But I feel as sure as humanly possible about this decision.”

  “I can’t believe it!” Tears welled in Bernard’s eyes. “You have so much to give the Church. God only knows how much the Church needs men like you.”

  “I’m not leaving the Church,” Julian answered quietly but firmly. “Just changing directions.”

  Suddenly the bishop broke in, “Is there a woman involved?”

  Julian smiled. “No, Bernard. I can assure you there is no woman in my life. This is my inner decision without any outside pressure or reasons.”

  Once again silence prevailed as minutes audibly ticked away.

  Bernard broke the silence. “Julian, you seem to be set in your decision. Of course, I’m not happy about it. But I will draw up the necessary documents to go to Rome and call you back for your signature when they are ready.”

  “Thanks, Bernard.” Julian spoke quietly. Then added, “Do I have your blessing?”

  Julian’s question was answered by a question from the bishop. “Julian, is there any hope that you will change your mind?”

  Julian answered quietly, “No, Bernard.”

  “Then what are your plans for the future?”

  “At this stage my future is fairly unknown. I will certainly go back to some studies – but not sure in what area. Probably continue with law. That’s something to work out later.”

  “Is there anything I could say or do to reverse your decision?”

  “No! Bernard, I am sorry that I have upset you and that another priest is leaving your diocese. You have been a friend and I respect your leadership. I will always be grateful for your help, understanding and friendship.”

  Julian was surprised – and happily so – as his bishop rose, place his hands on Julian’s head, gave his blessing, followed by a prayer of thanksgiving for Julian’s past ministry and of guidance for his future.

  Notably touched, Julian whispered, “Thanks Bernard. I am very grateful for your blessing.”

  The bishop immediately changed the subject as he asked, “It’s getting close to lunch time. Will you stay and join me for lunch?”

  “I’d love to,” Julian responded.

  It was a pleasant meal, with light-hearted conversation flowing freely, masking the feelings, deep-seated in both.

  As Julian left, Bernard held his hand firmly, “Thank you, Julian. God bless you in your life ahead.”

  Chapter Three

  Life proceeded for Julian as it had done for the past few years – but not quite. As he celebrated the liturgy each day, he was just as aware of this great mystery. It would be different – he would celebrate it in another way. And his lifestyle- well, that was unknown for now.

  The dispensation came through eventually. But the official notice, per mail, was preceded a few days earlier by a personal note from the bishop. The note reflected sentiments expressed at their meeting and ended with his blessing. Bernard had previously appointed a replacement in his parish and in the office of Canon Law.

  It was with feelings of gratitude and nostalgia that Julian moved from his former life. It had been a very eventful ten years, a basically happy ten years, but also a period of questioning. Questions came and some went with answers. But many remained. Some, he accepted, may never be answered; others, he hoped, may eventually be resolved through time and experience.

  Eddie and Joe phoned constantly for the first few weeks, knowing this transition would be a mammoth one. The calls were short and light-hearted. Julian appreciated the mateship behind them. His family ensured that his time spent with them was no different to that of before. He knew his time of discernment had passed. But he still had to find the next road of his journey in life.

  Indirectly, it was Eddie who gave him the nudge. In helping Eddie solve his major pastoral problem, he was able to interpret his own feelings and interests and begin on his new journey of life. Then followed Joe’s tragic experience. In taking over Eddie’s needs for legal answers, he knew where his professional life was heading.

  With his previous academic results, Julian had no problem in being accepted in Law II for the following year.

  “Time for us all to have a holiday,” his father declared. “I’ve booked us all, including Tom and Co., ten days in Fiji just after Christmas.”

  This family holiday was the catalyst Julian needed. Not only was it a special family time, but also it gave him the help he needed to gently close the door on the past ten years. He knew he would often look back to the memorable parts of those years. But, he also knew he had closed the door on those years. His decision for the future had been made. What would come? He had no idea. Yet he looked forward to this new chapter of his life with faith and hope. And he knew, when needed his family and friends would always be his support.

  Chapter Four

  Julian and study had walked together successfully over many years. Beginning studies in Law II was no different – he was in familiar territory. As he looked around the faces at initial lectures and tutorials, he noticed the variations in ages – the young, facing tertiary education for the first
time, the mature, some also facing tertiary education for the first time, while others had already ‘been there, done that’ in the same or different faculty. As one of the latter, he was sympathetic to the former not knowing what the expectations might be. With his pleasant, out-going personality and obvious ability in any subject, Julian was readily accepted by the young and mature alike. His ideas on various subjects was often sought.

  At first, Julian felt that settling into secular life was not so adaptable. He felt secure in his decision but time was needed to become used to his new lifestyle. As the weeks passed so did any questions on his foreseeable future. At the end of the year, with distinction results for the year’s study, he knew his future would be in Law.

  During that year and the following one, he was often invited to student parties. He enjoyed the social life; he enjoyed female companionship. Yet he was not drawn in a special way to any of the young ladies, many of whom he classed as friends. Now and then he would question himself. I’m not gay, he told himself. Then perhaps you’re just a fussy heterosexual, an inner voice whispered. And he laughed.

  The next year he managed to take on more subjects, so that in the following year he would graduate. That year sped by in similar fashion to the previous one. And the results at the end were again similar to those of the previous year.

  After a short consideration, he accepted the offer of an honour year study.

  Chapter Five

  The day he forgot to bring his recorder to lectures was one he would never forget – or, for that matter, a day for which he would always be grateful. Lectures were about to start. He opened his tape recorder case – no recorder. Suddenly he remembered – he had taken it out that morning, and had forgotten to return it. It was sitting on his desk at home along with notes, pads and various types of stationery. The case was completely empty. He found a biro in his pocket – if only he had some paper! And then he saw some. In front of him was a girl he had seen previously at lectures. Not a friendly girl, it seemed, as she did not appear to take part in any social events. A girl unmistakable from a distance – with her short, red curly hair.