William Shakespeare's Much Ado About Mean Girls

by Ian Doescher

  Belike I shall not know the reason why,

  For ne’er did Fate respond to mortal cries.

  Enter LADY HERON and SIR HERON.

  SIR H. Thy first day done! How didst thou find the school?

  [Exit Cady, upset.

  LADY H. This silence doth bespeak a brutal day.

  O, have we hurt our daughter by our move?

  We had a wondrous life in Africa—

  Full often hath she gossip’d by my side,

  And sat with me on Neptune’s yellow sands,

  Marking the embark’d traders on the flood,

  When we have laugh’d to see the sails conceive

  And grow big-bellied with the wanton wind.

  Now is she silent and will nothing tell—

  Would that our daughter suddenly were well!

  [Exeunt.

  SCENE 2

  At North Shore High School.

  Enter CADY HERON, JANIS IAN, DAMIAN, and various STUDENTS, in the classroom.

  CADY [aside:] The second day I come as sojourner—

  Still shaken, if I were to tell the truth.

  [Cady sits next to Janis and Damian.

  DAMIAN The color of thy hair—is’t natural?

  Or dost thou shade its hues with crafty dyes?

  CADY ’Tis natural.

  DAMIAN —And gorgeous, by my troth.

  CADY My thanks, kind gentleman.

  [Damian grasps Cady’s hair and holds it next to his own head.

  DAMIAN [to Janis:] —Observe the tint.

  It is precisely that for which I long—

  A reddish brown like sunset on a field.

  JANIS [to Cady:] This forward fellow here is Damian,

  Whose gaiety doth overwhelm his sense,

  Forever sighing over women’s hair.

  [A rude student passes by.

  RUDE STD. Thy wig—of hair most false, as from a horse—

  Where hast thou got it, Janis?

  JANIS —From thy mother,

  Who hath a hairy chest unnatural,

  Which only is surpass’d by her foul face,

  Most Gorgon-like, with spots and hives and boils,

  The itch of which she scratcheth all the day.

  Although, I’ll warrant scratching could not make

  It worse, an it were such a face as hers were.

  [To Cady:] My name is Janis.

  CADY [aside:] —Sharp of tongue and wit!

  [To Janis:] My name is Cady—pleas’d to meet you both.

  I bid ye, can you friendly folk tell me

  The place wherein I’ll find room G14?

  [Cady hands her schedule to Damian.

  DAMIAN Health class on Tuesday and on Thursday, too,

  Room G14.

  JANIS —In the back building, yea?

  DAMIAN In the back building, as thou sayest, Janis.

  It certainly existeth—in the back.

  JANIS We thither shall deliver thee ourselves.

  CADY You two are kinder than the day is long.

  [The bell rings. Students begin moving to their next classes.

  DAMIAN Make way, ye rogues and knaves and listless youths!

  A newfound morsel walketh through the halls—

  Hail Cady, mighty lass of Africa!

  [Exeunt all students except Cady, Janis, and Damian.

  Health, Spanish, and advancèd calculus?

  These are the things thou studiest this year?

  CADY Of mathematics am I very fond.

  DAMIAN Yet wherefore so?

  CADY —’Tis ev’rywhere the same:

  The rules of mathematics are a constant,

  Wherever in the wide world one doth roam.

  It hath no bound or language but its own,

  The selfsame found in ev’ry town and country.

  DAMIAN ’Tis beautiful—the lady hath such depth!

  CADY Where is the building unto which ye lead?

  JANIS It hath burn’d down in nineteen eighty-seven—

  A fire for education spark’d the flame.

  CADY Shall we not find ourselves in trouble rank,

  If we our classes and our school forsake?

  JANIS O, wherefore would we trouble bring on thee,

  As thou art our new friend and confidante?

  CADY [aside:] ’Tis not acceptable, a class to shirk—

  This know I, yet the lass hath call’d me friend!

  Forsooth, I’ve neither the position nor

  The inclination to refuse new friends.

  Belike I ne’er shall learn the lessons that

  Are taught upon today’s first class of health.

  Enter COACH CARR above, on balcony.

  CARR Whate’er you do when you have private time,

  Where’er you roam within this world profound,

  Remember this: ’tis best to not have sex,

  Lest pregnancy and death on you befall.

  Have neither sex with partner standing up,

  Nor sex in the position missionary,

  Have neither sex in canine-style fashion,

  Nor sex involving mouths or derrières,

  Have neither sex, and neither have ye fun,

  Nor heavy petting—this is, also, out.

  Avow to me ye shall have none of sex.

  Now, whosoever shall, take rubbers plenty.

  [Exit Coach Carr.

  JANIS [to Cady:] Why did thy parents not keep thee at home,

  Therein thine education to complete?

  CADY The two would see their daughter socializ’d,

  Prepar’d to function in the daily world.

  DAMIAN Thou shalt be socializ’d anon, I’ll wager—

  A slice of heav’nly beauty as thou art.

  CADY What dost thou mean? Thou speakest of my mien?

  JANIS By ev’ry regulation thou’rt enow

  To give a man a fever by thy look,

  An aching burn within his very loins,

  Infernal passion that shall not abate.

  CADY Am I?

  DAMIAN —Enjoy it whilst thou canst so do.

  JANIS How dost thy spell thy name? Remind me, Caddy?

  CADY ’Tis Cady—C-A-D-Y—by my troth.

  JANIS Well, for the nonce I still shall thee Caddy,

  That thou mayst carry all my fondest hopes.

  Enter REGINA GEORGE, GRETCHEN WIENERS, KAREN SMITH, and various other STUDENTS, aside, in physical education class.

  DAMIAN Behold, within the name of all that’s holy,

  The clothes that Karen Smith doth wear today.

  JANIS ’Tis fitting that the Plastics share one class

  To emphasize their physical perfection.

  CADY The Plastics? Who and what are they, I pray?

  DAMIAN The teenage royalty who rule the school,

  E’er reigning underneath malicious crowns.

  If North Shore High School were a magazine,

  They’d grace the cover with their regal bearing.

  JANIS Behold the one with visage blank and dim—

  ’Tis Karen Smith, a lass of little wit,

  The dumbest person thou shalt ever meet.

  Last year, kind Damian sat next to her

  In English class and bore her foolishness.

  DAMIAN The lass hath ask’d me how to “orange” spell.

  JANIS The thinnest one is Gretchen Wieners, aye,

  With hair most dark and darker spirit still.

  DAMIAN The lass is rich. Her father did invent

  The Toaster Strudel that the masses love.

  JANIS She is a horrid gossip, who doth make

  It her vocation and amusement to

  Know ev’rything of ev’ryone she meets.

  DAMIAN ’Tis, peradventure, why her hair is large:

  The secrets she doth carry in her pate.

  JANIS The worst—pure evil in a human form—

  Is she, Regina George, of beauty rare.

  Be thou not foolèd by the lady’s looks.


  She may appear a simple, selfish lass

  With reputation for her wantonness,

  Who would stab e’en her mother in the back,

  Yet, in reality, she is far more.

  DAMIAN Of bees the queen, of prides the lioness,

  Of empires empress, and of states the head.

  The others are but workers in her scheme.

  JANIS Regina George—O, how shall I explain?

  Enter seven STUDENTS above, on balcony.

  STUD. 1 Regina George is flawless, verily.

  STUD. 2 She hath two handbags come from farthest Rome,

  By Fendi fashion’d for extravagance.

  Her carriage is a silver Lexus car—

  A marvelous machine by any standard.

  STUD. 3 ’Tis said the lady’s hair is well insur’d—

  Ten thousand ducats should it damag’d be.

  STUD. 4 She traveleth to Oriental shores—

  E’en to Japan—wherein she doth appear

  In advertisements for their lavish cars.

  STUD. 5 Her fav’rite entertainment’s Vars’ty Blues,

  In which she near could have the starring role.

  STUD. 6 She one time met John Stamos on a plane,

  Where he declar’d her pretty as the sky.

  STUD. 7 One time, my very visage—even mine!—

  Did have the privilege to feel her punch.

  ’Twas wonderful beyond my wildest dreams.

  [Exeunt Students 1 through 7 from balcony.

  DAMIAN She always hath the direst, fiercest look,

  And e’er is crown’d the queen of Fling of Spring.

  JANIS Of what concern is that?

  DAMIAN —’Tis my concern!

  Each year the senior class prepares a dance

  Made for the underclassmen to enjoy.

  The Fling of Spring—a merry, joyful thing—

  And whosoever is elected as

  The queen and king of Fling of Spring shall bring

  An automatic honor on themselves.

  As they assume their rightful place as heads

  Of North Shore’s School Activities Committee.

  Because I am an active member of

  The School Activities Committee, ’tis,

  I shall admit, a strong concern of mine.

  JANIS What should I do with thee? Dress thee in my

  Apparel, Damian, and make thee, then,

  My waiting-gentlewoman? Zounds! Thou art

  As gay and merry as the day is long.

  The gayest army could not thee defeat.

  [Students begin gathering and sitting for lunch.

  [To Cady:] I have prepar’d a simple map for thee,

  Withal to navigate the North Shore waters.

  Where thou dost sit within the dining hall

  Is crucial, for each group doth have its place.

  The freshmen just beside the ROTC lads,

  The preps and jocks of junior varsity,

  The Asian nerds, the Asians cool as ice,

  The jocks of varsity—no juniors, they—

  The hotties black who still unfriendly are,

  The lasses who eat feelings more than food,

  The lasses who eat naught and are too thin,

  The people who wish they were aught yet aren’t,

  The burnouts, band geeks lusty in the height,

  The greatest people thou shalt ever meet—

  I mean myself and Damian, of course—

  And, finally, the worst—beware the Plastics.

  [Janis and Damian sit aside. Regina, Gretchen, and Karen sit nearby. Cady obtains food and begins moving toward them.

  Enter JASON.

  JASON I beg thee, pardon this, mine interruption.

  Wilt thou engage with some few questions, which

  I ask of all new students at the school?

  CADY I shall.

  JASON —Say, is thy muffin butter’d well?

  CADY What?

  JASON —Shall I find a helpful volunteer,

  Who would most gladly butter up thy muffin?

  CADY My muffin?

  REGINA —Doth this rascal pester thee?

  I bid thee, Jason, wherefore art thou skeez?

  JASON Nay, merely am I friendly, and no skeez.

  GRETCHEN Thou wert suppos’d to call on me last night.

  REGINA Take heed, young Jason: thou shalt not arrive

  Unto a party I do kindly host

  With Gretchen at thy side, to then approach

  This comely ingenue most innocent

  Before our eyes but three days afterward.

  She is not ta’en with thee, canst thou not see?

  [To Cady:] Wouldst thou have intercourse with this foul lad?

  CADY Nay, thanks to thee, though, for the offer.

  REGINA —See?

  The matter settl’d is decisively.

  Let him that mov’d you hither move you hence.

  JASON Thou churlish, common-kissing pox-mark’d strumpet!

  [Exit Jason in disgrace.

  REGINA [to Cady:] Wilt thou sit here with us? We have the space.

  We would have discourse with thee, newfound friend.

  CADY [aside:] What shall I do when fac’d with this request?

  Aside I see sweet Janis motioning

  As if to say, “What madness comes o’er thee?

  Wilt thou be seated with our enemies?”

  Yet should I not these women grant a chance,

  An opportunity before I judge

  Them utterly unworthy of my time?

  They may, in some way, be misunderstood,

  And not the wanton hags describ’d by Janis.

  I’ll test the Plastics’ character myself.

  [Cady sits with Regina, Gretchen, and Karen.

  REGINA Now, tell me, wherefore do I know thee not?

  CADY Unto the schoolhouse am I newly come.

  My family and I arriv’d from Afric,

  Where I was brought up lo these many years.

  REGINA From Afric, didst thou say?

  CADY —Such was my word.

  By parents was I homeschool’d ere this year.

  REGINA The words thou speakest stranger still become.

  CADY My mother was a schoolmarm unto me…

  REGINA Nay, nay—to be homeschool’d is nothing new.

  I know the term—I am not daft nor dumb.

  What doth perplex is this: hast thou ne’er been

  A student at a real school heretofore?

  [Cady shakes her head no.

  Shut up thy mouth whilst I exclaim! Shut it!

  CADY I did not speak.

  REGINA —A homeschool student, eh?

  ’Tis fascinating, verily.

  CADY —My thanks.

  REGINA Yet still thou dost possess a beauty rare.

  Young budding virgin, fair and fresh and sweet,

  Happy the parents of so fair a child;

  Happier the man, whom favorable stars

  Allot thee for his lovely bed-fellow!

  CADY Again, my thanks.

  REGINA —Thou dost agree withal?

  CADY What?

  REGINA —Thou think’st also thou art beautiful.

  CADY I tell thee honestly, that such to know

  Did never meddle with my simple thoughts.

  REGINA By all that is divine, behold thy bracelet—

  A stunning piece of jewelry it is!

  How didst thou come by such a lovely thing?

  CADY My mother fashion’d it and gave it me.

  REGINA ’Tis worthy of the public’s admiration.

  GRETCHEN So fetch it is, it fetcheth ev’ry glance.

  REGINA What is this “fetch” and, pray, whence cometh it?

  GRETCHEN A word come swimming ’cross the ocean blue,

  From England’s ruddy shores. Know’st thou this country?

  KAREN If thou hast come from Afric, why art white?

  GRETCHEN Nay, Karen, by the
gods—thou canst not ask

  A person wherefore she or he is white!

  REGINA Couldst thou, in kindness, give us privacy,

  Wherein we three shall speak a moment, Cady?

  [The Plastics turn aside to speak privately.

  CADY Of course. [Aside:] How like three parrots they do seem,

  E’er chattering with naught of substance said.

  Poor Janis yonder, next to Damian,

  Doth signal as to ask what I have done.

  REGINA Before I speak, know this: we are not wont

  To do the thing we’re bound to do herein;

  This is important, we would have thee know.

  GRETCHEN We kindly bid thee, wilt thou dine with us

  Each day through the remainder of the week?

  CADY While this is kind, I have two friends—

  REGINA —’Tis well,

  No further conversation shall we have,

  But we’ll expect to see thee on the morrow.

  KAREN On Wednesdays, we array ourselves in pink!

  [Exeunt Regina, Gretchen, Karen, and other students except Cady, Janis, and Damian. They walk aside into the women’s bathroom.

  JANIS What fire is in mine ears? What scene was this?

  No glory lives behind the back of such.

  The Plastics say thou dost deserve, and I

  Believe it better than reportingly.

  Thou hast been claim’d and thou shalt take thy claim!

  Thou shalt wear pink upon the morrow, yea,

  And make report of all Regina sayeth,

  No matter how horrendous, rank, and vile.

  CADY Regina seemeth sweet, if I am honest.

  JANIS Go to! Regina George is far from sweet—

  She is the sourest wench who ever liv’d,

  Who sucketh scum from deepest ocean floor.

  Her scornful tongue hath ruin’d life entire.

  DAMIAN The lass is fabulous and evil both.

  Enter STUDENT 8.

  STUD. 8 A lad—be gone, away! Why are thou here?

  DAMIAN The actor, by my troth, Danny DeVito!

  Thou art a tiny star in ev’ry sky.

  [Exit Student 8 hastily.

  CADY [to Janis:] Why dost thou hate her so?

  JANIS —What dost thou mean?

  CADY Regina—thou hast for her hate profound,

  More than appeareth normal to mine eyes.

  JANIS Indeed. What is the question thou dost ask?

  CADY My question is whence cometh thy contempt?

  DAMIAN Regina hath announc’d, in rumor’s voice,

  That our bold Janis was a—

  JANIS —Damian!

  I bid thee not repeat her heinous words.

  Whate’er response I give comes not from hate.

  Methinks it shall bring wondrous joy and mirth

  To ply this innocent experiment—

  Thou shalt spend time with them and make report