William Shakespeare's Much Ado About Mean Girls

by Ian Doescher

  Of ev’rything they say and think and do.

  CADY What shall we speak about? None come to mind.

  JANIS The products that deliver pretty hair.

  DAMIAN Or Ashton Kutcher.

  CADY —Is he troubadour

  With jobs performing songs a lot like love?

  JANIS Please, do it for thy newfound friend—e’en me.

  CADY I shall, because it matters so to thee.

  Dost thou have aught in pink that I may wear?

  JANIS Nay, ev’ry piece of mine is gray or black.

  DAMIAN Yea, pink! It is the color of my heart,

  The hue of beauty and of loveliness,

  The rosy shade of sunset in the west,

  The tint of salmon rushing through a spring.

  Pink is the pigment of a welcome soul,

  Pink is the cheek that blusheth when in love,

  Pink is the underside of newborn feet,

  Pink is the lush camellia on the bush.

  An thou wouldst deck thyself in luscious pink,

  Then Damian shall be thy source and guide.

  [Exeunt Janis and Damian as the bell rings.

  Enter MADAM NORBURY, AARON SAMUELS, KEVIN GNAPOOR, and other STUDENTS.

  CADY Eighth period arrives and I am glad

  To enter math, my fav’rite field of study.

  For mathematics was my mind produc’d—

  ’Tis understandable and plain to me.

  Naught in a class as this could bring me grief.

  [Cady sits behind Aaron.

  AARON Hast thou a pencil thou mayst loan to me?

  Thou art a wonder if thou dost, kind maid.

  CADY No wonder, sir, but certainly a maid.

  [Aside:] O heavens, what a handsome, pleasing lad—

  There’s nothing ill can dwell in such a temple.

  Just once was my heart smitten as ’tis now!

  ’Twas when I was a younger lass by far—

  His name was Nfume and we both were five.

  I told him of my simple, childlike love,

  Yet he did scorn me, bid me go away.

  This moment is far diff’rent from the last—

  This lad hast struck me like a yellow bus.

  NORBURY Say, Cady, hast thou some response?

  CADY —So cute.

  [Cady realizes she has spoken her thought aloud.

  Forgive me, madam! A sub n is equal

  To n plus one and over four.

  NORBURY —Just so!

  Well done, well done indeed. Ere ye depart,

  Remember all your work to do at home.

  [Exeunt Madam Norbury, Aaron, Kevin, and other students. Cady walks home.

  Enter LADY HERON and SIR HERON, sitting outside their house.

  SIR H. The second day accomplish’d, by my troth!

  How was it? Better than the first, I hope.

  CADY ’Twas well.

  LADY H. —Were other students kind to thee?

  CADY Nay, kind is not the word I would employ.

  SIR H. Hast thou some newfound friends?

  CADY —Indeed. Farewell.

  [Exit Cady inside her house.

  SIR H. These answers of our daughter are too brief.

  LADY H. In brevity of words the lass is chief.

  [Exeunt.

  SCENE 3

  At North Shore High School.

  Enter CADY HERON, REGINA GEORGE, GRETCHEN WIENERS, and KAREN SMITH, seated together at the lunch table. They each don pink attire.

  CADY [aside:] The Plastics, regal as Victoria,

  Do frighten me, like dark and dreadful wood—

  With rules that hide beyond each rolling hill.

  GRETCHEN I will believe thou hast a mind that suits

  With this thy fair and outward character.

  Remember this: no tank top shall be worn

  From one day to the next, two in a row,

  And neither shalt thou wear a pony’s tail

  As thy hairstyle, excepting once per week—

  It seemeth thou hast chosen thus today.

  CADY [aside:] No nat’ral world is this, but some Girl World.

  GRETCHEN We also weareth pantaloons for track

  Or jeans on Fridays only, as if we

  Were Catholic and they our fish to eat.

  Break thou our rules and thou’lt not sit withal.

  ’Tis not just thee, ’tis law for anyone.

  If I were wearing denim jeans today,

  Belike I would be sitting with the freaks,

  Who draw upon their artboards all the day.

  We take a vote before we shall allow

  Another soul to eat their lunch with us—

  This is consideration for the group,

  Pursuing constantly the greater good.

  Thou wouldst not purchase garments from a shop

  Ere thou didst ask thy precious friends to share

  Their thoughts on thine appearance.

  CADY —Would I not?

  GRETCHEN Exactly. ’Tis the same rule for the lads—

  Thou mayst believe thou art enamor’d of

  A man, yet find thyself mistaken. See?

  REGINA One hundred twenty calories in all,

  And forty-eight from fat. ’Tis what percent?

  GRETCHEN Er…forty-eight into one hundred twenty…

  REGINA The foods I eat, from now, shall have no more

  Than thirty calories compos’d of fat.

  CADY ’Tis forty, verily, a plain equation:

  If forty-eight is o’er one hundred twenty,

  It equals x above one hundred, yes?

  Cross multiply to solve for x—’tis forty.

  REGINA Where did you study all this goodly speech?

  It is no matter, I shall dine on cheese fries.

  [Exit Regina.

  GRETCHEN Hast thou met any lads whose look thou lik’st?

  CADY A person in my studies calculus.

  KAREN Who is the man?

  GRETCHEN —I’ll wager ’tis a senior.

  CADY His name is Aaron Samuels.

  KAREN —Nay, beware!

  GRETCHEN Alas, the lad is not for thee, I fear.

  Thou canst not be the budding paramour

  Of Aaron Samuels. Anyone but he.

  He once was boyfriend unto our Regina.

  KAREN ’Twas one whole year the two did fondly court.

  GRETCHEN Poor lady, she were better love a dream.

  She devastated was when he did end,

  Last summer, the relationship they had.

  KAREN Methought she, for Shane Oman, sent him hence.

  GRETCHEN Yet irregardless of the situation,

  Ex-boyfriends are but clos’d, forbidden books

  For friends to borrow from each other’s shelves.

  These are but feminism’s rules and mores.

  Fear not, though, Cady, this I promise thee:

  Ne’er shall Regina hear what thou hast said;

  I’ll keep the secret lock’d within my head.

  [Exeunt.

  SCENE 4

  At North Shore High School.

  Enter CADY HERON, MADAM NORBURY, and KEVIN GNAPOR, in mathematics class.

  CADY [aside:] Though Aaron was declar’d beyond my rank,

  Still I may look on him, may take him in,

  And think on him—within my heart the first—

  Perhaps may even share a spoken congress

  With him, as boy to girl and man to woman.

  KEVIN Holla, thou art the lass from Afric come,

  Whose brains do multiply her mystery?

  CADY Indeed.

  KEVIN —My name is known as Kevin Gnapoor,

  The captain of the North Shore Mathletes team.

  We take our arms against a sea of troubles—

  Competing versus teams from other schools

  Throughout the splendid state of Illinois.

  We shall add twice as many ducats if

  The team doth sport
a female such as thee.

  Thou shouldst consider joining us. Wilt thou?

  NORBURY Thou wouldst be perfect, Cady.

  CADY —Verily.

  The opportunity shall suit me well,

  Enamor’d as I am of mathematics.

  KEVIN Divide thou not my hopes and dreams in twain—

  Take thou my calling card and we shall speak.

  CADY [aside:] “One Kevin Gnapoor, math enthusiast

  And bad-arse deejay”—such a card to play!

  KEVIN Take thou whatever time to think thou need’st.

  We would, this year, have doublets for the team.

  Farewell, smart Cady, equal of my mind.

  [Exeunt Madam Norbury and Kevin severally. Cady walks outside.

  Enter AARON SAMUELS aside, at football practice.

  CADY There, far afield upon the football green,

  Doth Aaron practice with assurèd kicks.

  I’ll wave to him that he may see the smile

  My visage proffers when I see his face.

  AARON Good afternoon, kind Cady. Be thou well.

  Enter REGINA GEORGE, GRETCHEN WIENERS, and KAREN SMITH in Regina’s car.

  REGINA Come hither, folly-fallen Cady, come!

  We shall anon unto the shopping mall.

  CADY [aside:] Regina, like a doll I never had—

  By name of Barbie with her winsome Ken—

  Is glamorous and elegant sans peer.

  I’ll go withal to make her favor grow.

  [Cady gets in the car with Regina, Gretchen, and Karen. They begin driving.

  AARON [aside:] Another lass is, by Regina, trapp’d

  Into a world of lipsticks, hair, and nails.

  This Cady seem’d far different before—

  Yet now I wonder what the lass shall be.

  [Exit Aaron. Cady, Regina, Gretchen, and Karen arrive at Old Orchard Mall.

  REGINA [to Cady:] How likest thou North Shore?

  CADY —It suiteth well.

  My purpose ’tis to join the Mathlete team.

  REGINA Nay, nay, be not so silly, Cady, please.

  ’Tis social suicide to join that team

  Compris’d of nerds and geeks and dorks and freaks.

  How fortunate thou art to have we three

  To guide thee and to mold thee as our own!

  CADY [aside:] What would kind Janis think about this scene?

  Belike she would throw back her head and laugh.

  Old Orchard Mall remindeth me of Afric,

  Where beasts do gather near the wat’ring hole

  And snarl at one another as they drink.

  Enter JASON with TAYLOR WEDELL.

  GRETCHEN ’Tis Jason!

  REGINA —Where? Ah, there, I see him now.

  GRETCHEN The rogue is in the company of Taylor,

  She of the horrid family Wedell.

  KAREN ’Tis said they are romantic’ly inclin’d.

  REGINA Nay, Jason is not to that strumpet link’d.

  He shall not treat thee so, as though he plann’d

  To comb thy noddle with a three-legg’d stool

  And paint your face and use you like a fool.

  The scoundrel is a villain and a skeez.

  Give me thy phone and I shall set this right.

  GRETCHEN Thou shalt not call him—

  REGINA —Think’st thou I am simple?

  GRETCHEN Nay, never, wise Regina, on my life.

  [Gretchen hands Regina her phone. Regina dials and brings the phone to her ear.

  REGINA [into phone:] Wedell house, please, upon South Boulevard.

  GRETCHEN What of the tools t’identify a caller?

  REGINA They are no use when call’d through Information.

  Enter LADY WEDELL above, on balcony.

  LADY W. Hello?

  REGINA —May I speak unto Taylor Wedell?

  LADY W. She hath not hither after school arriv’d.

  May I ask who is calling and leave word?

  REGINA ’Tis Susan calling from Plann’d Parenthood.

  Be sure that Taylor calleth me anon;

  Her test results have been return’d to me.

  The matter’s urgent—growing more each day!

  LADY W. [aside:] O shocking news of teenage pregnancy!

  [Exit Lady Wedell.

  REGINA Now Taylor is not link’d to anyone—

  Her mother shall give punishments aplenty.

  GRETCHEN Thy plan and action were completely fetch!

  CADY [aside:] Is this the way these lasses make their sport?

  [Exeunt Cady, Regina, Gretchen, and Karen. Taylor’s phone rings.

  TAYLOR [into phone:] Good afternoon, sweet mother. How art thou?

  I bid thee, be thou calm and yell not so.

  What words are these thou shoutest in mine ears

  Of lies, deceit, responsibility?

  How have I wrong’d thee, mother? What? E’en so?

  Why speakest thou of pregnancy and whoredom?

  The daughter whom thou dost describe with words

  Both slanderous and vile—she is not me!

  Let she, then, die defil’d, but I do live,

  And surely as I live, I am a maid.

  O, life, that mother e’er suspected child—

  How did come upon these thoughts so wild?

  [Exeunt.

  SCENE 1

  At the George residence.

  Enter CADY HERON, REGINA GEORGE, GRETCHEN WIENERS, and KAREN SMITH.

  CADY [to Regina:] Thy house is nicest to the pow’r nineteenth,

  Declare I sans condition or amendment.

  REGINA ’Tis lovely, is it not? A palace noble.

  GRETCHEN Be sure thou seest her mother’s ample breast,

  By power of physician larger made.

  ’Tis beauty truly blent, whose red and white

  Nature’s own sweet and cunning hand laid on,

  And like two stones they rest, both firm and solid.

  REGINA Sweet Mother? Art thou here?

  Enter LADY GEORGE.

  LADY G. —How are my girls?

  Your coming has transported me beyond

  This ignorant present, and I feel now

  The future in the instant. Welcome home!

  GRETCHEN Fair greetings, Lady George. May I present

  A new lass come unto our school: ’tis Cady.

  LADY G. Thou sweetheart, welcome to my humble home.

  [Lady George embraces Cady.

  CADY [aside:] The words of Gretchen prove entirely true:

  Her breasts are like two violent batt’ring rams!

  LADY G. If thou hast needs, but ask us. All our service

  In every point twice done and then done double

  Were poor and single business to contend

  Against those honors deep and broad wherewith

  Thy presence loads our house. Be thou not shy.

  There are no rules within this house of mine—

  I am no mother regular, forsooth!

  A cool mom I, ’tis so, Regina, yea?

  REGINA My tongue will tell the anger of my heart,

  An thou dost longer speak. Pray, let us go.

  LADY G. A treat for hump day shall I make ye four.

  [Exit Lady George as the others repair to Regina’s room.

  CADY This is thy room, palatial and ornate?

  With “princess” writ in gold upon the wall

  O’er where thou sleepest on thy silken sheets?

  REGINA It once belong’d unto my parents two,

  Until I forcèd them to trade with me.

  Let us play station ninety-eight point eight.

  [They adjust the radio and a song begins playing.

  Dost thou, young Cady, come from Africa,

  Know who doth sing this song of lutes and lyrics?

  CADY Mayhap the Girls of Spice?

  REGINA [to Gretchen and Karen:]—Ha! She is sweet,

  Her innocence is brighter than the sun.
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  Like one who cometh from the planet Mars,

  She knoweth little of our earthly customs.

  KAREN How large my hips! I would thou hadst my bones.

  GRETCHEN My legs do better understand me than

  I wish to look on them—behold my calves!

  How like two useless lumps they do appear.

  REGINA At least ye two can wear a halter top—

  With shoulders passing mannish, I dare not!

  CADY [aside:] Methought, once, there were two forms: slim and fat.

  Herein I better learn: there is no end

  Of how the female form may errant turn.

  GRETCHEN My hairline is bizarre.

  REGINA —My pores are craters!

  KAREN My nail beds are disastrous.

  REGINA [to Cady:] —What of thee?

  CADY My breath is noisome in the morningtide.

  KAREN Eww.

  Enter LADY GEORGE bearing drinks, with her DOG.

  LADY G. —Happy is the hour from four to six!

  CADY My thanks—yet, is there alcohol herein?

  LADY G. By heaven, nay, what thinkest thou of me?

  Am I no mother to a teenage girl?

  Yet, honestly, if thou wouldst have a drink,

  I’d happily provide, an thou shalt have’t

  Within my house where I may o’er thee watch.

  CADY Nay, thank you, Lady George.

  LADY G. —’Tis well, ’tis well.

  Now, ladies four, what is the four-one-one?

  How do ye spend your days, what is your news?

  But screw your courage to the sticking-place

  And tell me all the gossip that ye know!

  [Lady George’s dog climbs into her lap and begins biting her breast.

  CADY [aside:] This is a sight I do not love to look on—

  The dog doth sense the forgery of meat.

  LADY G. What music do ye listen to, what jams?

  REGINA Pray, Mother, walk aside and fix thy hair!

  LADY G. I shall. O ladies, how ye keep me young!

  Yea, I do love ye more than I can tell.

  [Exit Lady George. Karen pulls the Burn Book from Regina’s shelf.

  KAREN By heaven, O, I do remember this!

  Was ever book containing such vile matter

  So fairly bound?

  REGINA —Not since forever have

  I thought about that book upon my shelf.

  GRETCHEN Come hither, Cady, feast thine eyes on this.

  ’Tis call’d our Burn Book, wherein we do take

  The images of lasses from the yearbook

  We have cut from the page with simple snip

  And writ our honest comments thereupon.

  Here is one entry from a bygone year: