Chasing Faith

by Stephanie Perry Moore

  His eyebrows rose. “But I saw you take the money. That could not have been tampered with.”

  This was a big deal. How could I tell the guy I was crazy about the history behind that money? That I was accepting payment for having an abortion? Though Sebastian and I had talked about that before, I never wanted to go into my awful past with him again. How understanding could I expect a man to be? Yet, I wanted our relationship to be based on truth.

  Swallowing my pride and shame, I slid closer to him and said, “That guy in the video is my ex-boyfriend from college, Max, the one that I conceived a child with. He wasn’t there when I had the abortion and he didn’t contribute monetarily then. The money I took was his way of correcting that mistake, reimbursement for what I paid out to the clinic, plus a little more.”

  Sebastian looked at me as if I did accept a bribe, once I admitted to taking more than I paid out. He hastily got up off the couch and went into his kitchen. The way he leaned against his countertop saddened me. He was slumped over, dejection written all over his face.

  “It was less than two hundred extra, and that money was due me for a lot more than the baby stuff. I loaned that joker tons of cash in college for one thing or another. But understand, he asked me to help him out by introducing him to your dad. At first I was against it, but then when I worked detail one day and overheard the campaign was having severe cash flow problems, I figured Max could save the day.”

  “You figured wrong. He ruined the day.”

  “You’re right,” I said, nearing his side. “That’s my only crime. I didn’t do any scheming or plotting to bring down your dad.”

  Sebastian turned his back away from me. Walking behind him, I placed my hand on his back and said, “You do believe me, don’t you?”

  The guy I loved circled around and cupped my face in his strong hands. “I do. I just can’t understand why everything else is so twisted. Who taped you? Why did they alter what was said? Some major planning has gone into this whole thing, and we’ve got to figure it out. I don’t want this to end your career.” He hugged me. “My dad—where does he fit into all of this?”

  Pulling out of the embrace, I said, “I wonder the same thing. I was called into a secret meeting this morning with your dad and Mr. Applebee. I was asked to take the rap for your father’s involvement with that Italian crime family. I said I wouldn’t do it. Your dad acted like he was cool with it, but sort of insinuated that I should reconsider saying no. When I didn’t, Applebee seemed quite upset. I guess I should have copped to something I didn’t do.”

  “You should never compromise…” he said, before being cut off by his ringing cell phone. “One sec, it’s my dad.”

  I felt so hysterical inside. How could I have been set up like this? Sebastian seemed to understand, though. Deep in my gut I really didn’t know if Sebastian would take my side or his father’s. Unable to watch him really listen to his dad, I went to the bathroom and changed back into my navy blue pants suit. I figured I’d head downstairs and catch a cab, though I didn’t know where I’d ask to be taken. I certainly couldn’t go back to the hotel.

  As I crept toward the front door with my duffel bag, I heard Sebastian say, “You know what, Dad? Save it for someone who cares.” He slammed down the phone.

  I gasped. He turned around and saw me at the front door. He ran toward me. Extremely emotional, I dropped my bag and hugged Sebastian tightly. The only question in my mind was how long he would hold on to me.

  “Don’t cry, baby,” he said softly as he wiped the tears from my cheeks. “It’ll be okay.” He showered my face with gentle kisses. When his tongue found its way into my mouth, I was overcome by passion.

  The kiss continued as we made our way to his bedroom. He urged me onto the king-sized bed.

  “You’re so beautiful,” he said, pecking gently at my neck.

  Starting with his forehead, I let my lips leave a trail to his neck. I made a mark there with my teeth. Hearing him moan drove me even crazier. Being so connected like this was what we wanted to avoid, but I was so frustrated that “doing what was right” didn’t seem so right anymore.

  In a matter of seconds, he was on top of me. “I want you in the worst way,” he whispered. The next kiss sent us soaring, higher and higher. I didn’t want the flight to end.

  He was acting like a pro in seduction. I guess an intimate situation is like riding a bike, once you’ve been on one you always remember how to ride. Every inch of my body was turned on. It took every ounce of strength I had to pull away.

  The brotha was most definitely doing somethin’ right as he sent me into orbit when he nibbled on my bra strap.

  “You can take it off now,” I said as I leaned up and quickly undid the strap clearly wanting more. When he didn’t make a move, I slid the straps down, bearing my breasts. I’d never felt so sexy in my life.

  He stared at me, and I knew he wasn’t disappointed. But I saw a tear drop from his eye. Knowing he was really wrestling inside, I covered myself up with the sheet and sat on the edge of the bed to talk.

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “I just can’t do this.”

  He moved to the edge of the bed and I sat beside him.

  “I love you,” I said tenderly. “You love me, too. I can feel it.”

  “That’s not the problem.” He reached for my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. “I’ve been wanting to make love to you for a long time,” he whispered.

  I gave in. “Then do it,” I said. I dropped to my knees and rested my elbows on his thighs. “Let’s make all the stuff we’ve ever dreamed about come true right now.”

  “Baby, step away from me. Please. This isn’t honoring God.”

  Of course, I understood his reluctance. I even admired him for it. I mean, we were both Christians, and the Bible had a lot to say about people having sex before marriage. Yet part of me wanted so much to believe that God would be okay with this. We were in love, after all.

  I unfastened his belt buckle and unbuttoned his pants. Then I reached into the red briefs that were stretched taut around his hips. His moans let me know he was in ecstasy.

  He stood suddenly. “Chris, I don’t want to do this,” he said, “and I need you to respect that.”

  I really needed him right now. The only thing I could think of was how this would make us both feel better. What was wrong with a little sex when two people loved each other?

  I slipped out of what was left of my sweat suit. Then I stood before him in all the glorious splendor nature had blessed me with.

  “I have to take a shower,” he said, then turned and walked away.

  I heard him turn on the water and slide the shower door closed. Then I tiptoed into the bathroom. Through the frosted glass I could see him standing against the wall, his hands and legs spread apart as if cops were searching him. His pecan-tan skin filled my body with desire.

  I opened the shower door.

  Because he was standing directly under the showerhead, he didn’t see me. I placed my hands on his shoulders. He flinched slightly, but didn’t turn around, so I moved my hands slowly down his back. When I reached his hips, he suddenly whirled around. Sebastian gazed at me like a lion about to tear into his captured prey.

  His tongue nearly touched my tonsils. His hands raked my body. Then he led me out of the shower and turned off the water.

  Without even toweling off our wet bodies, Sebastian led me to the bed. It felt like the first time, and I hated the fact that it wasn’t.

  “I love you,” he told me over and over.

  “I love you, too.”

  Our interlude ended with a long, leisurely rest in each other’s arms. Then we decided to watch a movie on DVD. After the first five minutes, we lay beside each other, then fell asleep in each other’s arms. My dream was a replay of the night’s intimacy.

  When I awoke, I didn’t feel Sebastian’s arm around me. I opened my eyes and saw him putting on his clothes.

  “Where are you going?”

  �
��I couldn’t sleep all night.”

  I sat up, allowing the sheets to fall to my lap. “Come back to bed with me,” I said in my most seductive voice.

  “Cover yourself up, girl.”

  I slid the covers over my breasts. “What’s going on?”

  “Last night was a mistake,” he stated firmly. “A huge mistake. I’d appreciate it if you were gone when I get back.”

  My heart skipped a beat. “What are you talking about? Last night was great.”

  Sebastian strode toward the door. I hopped out of bed and beat him to it, stationing my naked body squarely in his path.

  He pulled the sheet off the bed and wrapped it around me. “I’m serious, Chris.”

  “Please don’t go,” I begged. “Maybe what we did was wrong. But maybe it wasn’t.” I reached up to wrap my arms around his neck, and the sheet fell to the floor.

  What had I done? I’d been trying to get on the right path with God. But I knew my actions with Sebastian had really disappointed the Lord.

  How could the man I love behave this way? Could he really walk away from all we had? I’d already lost my job, which had practically been everything to me. If Sebastian left me, too, how would I survive?

  Chapter 12

  Valley

  “Chris, get dressed. Please.”

  Sebastian bent down, picked up the sheet that was wrapped around my ankles, and handed it to me. I covered myself and stood there, trembling.

  “I’ve got to be honest with you,” he said in an irritated voice. “Last night was great, but now all I feel is sorrow. I didn’t mean to do that, and I sure didn’t mean to hurt you. But the fact is, I need time to think.”

  He walked out and left me standing there in his bedroom. When I heard the front door close, I fell to my knees and rocked back and forth, holding myself tight.

  How could he change so quickly? I asked myself. What have I done to him?

  Part of me wanted to stay there until he came back, but as I wiped away my tears, I realized that wasn’t the best thing. I had to do what he asked of me.

  I put on the sweats I’d worn briefly the day before because I didn’t want to put on my dirty uniform. Then I hopped in a cab and headed to the hotel. The paparazzi were gone, so I was able to get my things together, make flight arrangements, take a shower, then head to the airport.

  Throughout the flight from Atlanta to D.C., I thought of Sebastian. His smile when he was in a good mood, his sensual look, and his angry one. Just hours ago we were in each other’s arms. I knew what we had done was wrong, but we were in love. What else were two people in love supposed to do? I was so confused. Sebastian had made me see that premarital sex was a sin. Always before, I’d had no uneasiness about my promiscuity. This time my spirit was siding with Sebastian, but my flesh was having major issues with that.

  I wondered what this would do to us. After Sebastian had some time away from me, would he want me back? If he didn’t, I had no idea how I was going to live.

  I stared out the airplane window at the tiny world below me. The guy in the aisle seat next to me gave me a funny look, and I tried to hide under the baseball cap I’d put on in an attempt to cover my messy hair. I wondered if my fellow passenger recognized me as the girl who’d ruined Reverend Steven Stokes’s campaign. But I realized that was crazy. No one really knew me. There’d been a couple of comments about me in the tabloids and one or two announcements in the local news, but nothing more.

  Just when I almost had myself convinced, the guy in seat B closed the paper he’d been reading. There on the front cover of USA Today was a picture of me taking a thick manila envelope from Max. The caption read, “Federal agent takes bribes to ruin Stokes campaign.”

  Lord, my soul cried out, why is everything coming apart around me? Why are people lying about me? I thought I was finally getting my life together. After growing up with no money and no dad, I find a good man and a stable job. I was even trying to get You back in my life. Then everything gets all messed up! I know making love to Sebastian was a sin, and I’m trying to come to grips with that. Please help my spirit win the battle over my flesh. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

  I mentally kicked myself because I knew God wasn’t punishing me. He was just trying to get through to me, and all I had to do was listen.

  After deplaning in D.C., as I walked through the airport, I saw my face everywhere: the newsstands, magazine racks, on television. Thankfully, no one seemed to recognize me. There weren’t even any reporters waiting outside my apartment complex.

  Two members of the press had left messages on my answering machine, asking for interviews. The second one offered me a thousand dollars just for talking to him. Mom, Eden, and Troy had also called.

  I didn’t feel like getting an interrogation from Troy or a lecture from my mother. So I called Eden. She picked up on the first ring.

  “I’ve been calling you forever, girl,” she said when she heard my voice. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m hanging in there,” I said. “Just hoping and praying this will end soon.”

  “You’re so strong.”

  “I think I’m just all cried out. Nothing shocks me anymore.”

  “Chris, Chyna called me today,” Eden said. “She told me she was interviewed for one of those entertainment TV shows.”

  “Why?” I asked.

  “She claimed she was your best friend.”

  “What? Why on earth would she do that?”

  “I don’t know,” Eden said. “All she’d tell me was that it was her way of getting back at you.”

  At first I was angry. Then I remembered that God wants us to turn the other cheek, and I needed to do that with Chyna. Whatever she said couldn’t make things worse. I was just glad Eden had forewarned me.

  After promising Eden I’d talk to her again soon, I surfed the TV for about two and a half hours. I finally found the interview with Chyna on CNN.

  “Yeah, we were really good friends in college,” that liar was saying as she stood in front of the camera in a fitted black business suit. “Christian Ware has always been a back-stabber. See, I was dating Reverend Stokes’s son, Sebastian.” She held up a photograph of herself with Sebastian. “But here’s a picture of her trying to get it on with him.” She showed a picture of me talking to Sebastian at the Christmas party at his parents’ house. “I didn’t realize she was also trying to get to the family through the father.”

  “I can’t believe this!” I yelled out.

  I heard a commotion outside and peeked through a curtain. On the greenbelt outside my apartment, several reporters had started gathering.

  I should go out there, I thought. I needed to tell people my side of the story. “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil,” I recited aloud. But it seemed evil was all around me. I wished I had Sebastian to talk to.

  I need Your light right now, Lord, I prayed, ’cause I can’t see my way out of this mess.

  I glanced out my window again. Someone spotted me and pointed. The next thing I knew, a fist-sized rock came crashing through the glass.

  I screamed.

  Lord, I pray to You, and worse stuff happens! Are You even there? If You are, You sure ain’t helping me much.

  I had to get out of my apartment without being recognized. I ran to my closet and pulled out an old wig that my mother had left at my place years ago. I pinned it on, then dressed in one of my church outfits, a pair of old tennis shoes, and a baseball cap. I looked like an old lady who should be arrested by the fashion police.

  Donning sunglasses to finish the costume, I ventured out of my apartment, walking slowly and bent over. My ruse worked; no one gave me a second glance.

  When I got to my mother’s house, she held me tight. Then we sat on the couch and I leaned on her shoulder.

  “Mom, I don’t know what to do,” I groaned. “Things have gotten way out of hand, and I know you’re disappointed in me.”

  “Now, you stop right there,�
� she said, turning my head to face her. “I raised you, and I know you wouldn’t do what the media is accusing you of.”

  “Thanks, Mom,” I said with a sigh.

  “Since the day you were born, I asked God to lead you down the path of righteousness, and He has always provided for those who accept Him as their savior.” She squeezed my shoulder. “Christian, I know that God is going to work this out for you.”

  I put my pity party on hold for the moment. My mom was right, I knew that God would work this situation out.

  “Betsy Jones, the lady who lives two doors down from me, has been coming over here to pray with me ever since this story broke, and we know it’s going to work out. Betsy would like to meet you and pray with you.”

  “Could that help?” I said, feeling like the bottom had dropped out of my life.

  “Yes. She’s a very spiritual woman. She’s our church secretary. You could benefit from her wisdom and knowledge of God.”

  I shook my head to let her know I knew I did need spiritual counsel. My worn-out frame sank into the nearby chair.

  I felt my mom’s hand on my knee. She said, “I’ve been praying so much for you at my church and in my quiet times with the Lord. He’s been talking and talking to me. You’ll be all right.”

  “Oh, Mom.” I took my hands from my face and hugged her. “Thank you. Having you in my corner helps so much. I’m glad God is speaking to you.”

  She helped me stand up and pointed to the ceiling. “Me, too, baby. Me and the Lord talk all the time. When your sister was in trouble, I sensed it. That young punk she was hanging around with just didn’t sit right with my spirit. But with you and God working with her, I know she’ll get back on track with her life.”

  “God can do amazing things, Mom, can’t He?”

  “Yes, He can. And now I know He’ll help set things right for you—I know you didn’t do anything wrong.”

  When I was a little girl, my mama used to ridicule me all the time. Whenever anyone said I’d done something wrong, she always took their side over mine. But now she was saying that God had told her I was innocent.