Chasing Faith

by Stephanie Perry Moore

  “Baby, you might be down in the dumps right now, but I don’t think you’re gonna be there long.”

  I smiled and hugged my mother again. God was going to end my suffering. He would see me out of this valley.

  “The neighbor lady who prays with me wants to lead you to Christ, too.”

  It suddenly dawned on me that I had never told my mom that I’d accepted the Lord into my life.

  I looked into my mother’s eyes, smiled, and told her that I had accepted Christ a long time ago. “I just never let Him become Lord of my life until recently.” I said. “Now I love the Lord and have a growing relationship with Him.”

  She smiled. “Now we’ve got to get your sister to know the Lord again.”

  “How is she, Mom? Is that guy she was hanging out with still in jail?”

  “Oh, yeah. Your agency has charges on him piled so high I doubt he’ll ever get out.”

  “Sounds good to me.”

  “Your sister misses him, though. She really needs to know the Lord again. She won’t talk to me, so I was hoping you could get through to her.”

  I knew Mom was right. Knowing the Lord would give Crystal a joy no guy could ever provide. I was learning that firsthand.

  “Will you talk to her?” Mom asked, tears in her eyes.

  “I don’t know if it’ll do any good. She’s probably still angry with me for playing a part in her boyfriend’s demise. She’s going through that rebellious stage where she resents authority. I hope I can reach her.”

  “Just explain to her why you did what you did. Let her know you love her and that you always will.”

  “I will, Mom.”

  “Good. I also want you to stay here with me until this mess with Chyna blows over. That’s not too much for your mama to ask, is it?”

  “Actually, I think I’d like to stay here for a while. Maybe Mrs. Jones has something to say that I need to hear.”

  “Her number is on the refrigerator,” she said.

  “I love you, Mom.”

  “I love you, too, baby. Everything’s gonna be all right. You’ll see.”

  Three in the morning found me wide awake. The covers were scratchy and heavy. The air was too hot. And I was still fretting out about my situation.

  I crawled out of bed to get a cup of warm milk, hoping it would soothe me. As I passed my sister’s door, I heard whimpers. Knowing my mother was at work at the factory, I knew it was Crystal weeping. I decided to make a cup of warm milk for her, too.

  I prepared two cups, put them on a tray, then took them to my sister’s room. She was still crying. I knocked softly as I balanced the tray with one hand. I didn’t hear any response to my knock, so I decided to go in.

  My sister lifted her head off the pillow when I entered and looked at me. “Warm milk?” she questioned. “It’s too hot for that. Besides, I wouldn’t drink that stuff even if it was freezing.”

  “Look, Crystal,” I said, setting the cups on her nightstand, “I was just trying to keep you away from that guy for your own good. He went to jail.”

  “All my friends at school are laughing at me because of you. They’re saying that my boyfriend and my sister are both criminals.”

  I sat on her bed and took a sip of the warm milk, trying to gather my thoughts. “I was set up, Crystal. Framed.”

  “Yeah, right.” She turned away from me.

  “It’s true.”

  She whirled around and looked at me with angry eyes. “Then it serves you right for framing my Stone.”

  “Your Stone was under surveillance for a long time. I worked on that case way before I took the Secret Service temp job. My colleagues in the FBI knew when his big score was going down and they caught him. Nobody planted anything on him. He just got caught.”

  “I don’t care if you did what they say or not. I just want you to take your hot milk and get out of my face.”

  “Crystal,” I said, grabbing her shoulders, “I know I haven’t been around for you lately, but I want to make up for lost time.”

  Her eyes lit up. “Like when you took me for a massage just so I couldn’t help my boyfriend? Forget it. You have no idea how badly you’ve ruined my life.”

  She turned her back to me. I tried rubbing it, but she jerked away.

  “You don’t understand.”

  “Then explain it to me,” I suggested.

  She jumped up and paced beside the bed. “Why should I talk to you? You didn’t try to talk to me before you had my man arrested.”

  “Girl, you don’t need to be with any guy who’s doing illegal things. You should be glad he’s gone.”

  “You don’t even know what you’re talking about!” There was a long, eerie silence. Then Crystal lowered her head and said with a low moan, “I think I might be pregnant.” She buried her head in her pillow, as if trying to hide the shame. When she finally looked up, I wrapped my arms around her.

  “Please don’t tell Mom. Please,” Crystal begged.

  “For now, this will be between you and me, but—”

  “No buts.”

  “All right.” I wiped her tears, stroked her hair, and kissed her on the forehead.

  “I thought you were gonna be mad at me. I figured you’d think I was a tramp.”

  “I’m not going to judge you,” I said, remembering all too well my own fear of pregnancy again not long ago. “I don’t agree with what you did, and you’re much too young to be having a baby. But I understand how easy it is to get into a situation like this.”

  She threw her arms around me. “I’m so glad you’re back.”

  “You should get some sleep. We both need it.”

  I headed for the door, but she called me back. “Chris.”

  “Yeah?” I asked from the doorway.

  “I don’t believe that you tried to destroy Reverend Stokes’s campaign. All my friends tried to tell me you did, but I gave them a good cursing-out for talking about my sister that way.”

  I couldn’t help but smile. “I don’t know whether to thank you or to lecture you about using profanity.”

  She giggled. “I knew you’d be judging me sooner or later.”

  I shook my head and said, “Good night.” Then I closed her door, returned to my room, and said a heartfelt prayer for my little sister.

  The next day I drove to the New Hope United Methodist Church, where Mom had become a regular member since I entered college and she came out of rehab. I got there well before the service was scheduled to start, so there were only two cars in the parking lot. As I started to turn the car around, I saw a lady about my mama’s age peeking her head out of the sanctuary door and waving to me.

  That must be Mrs. Jones, I said to myself, figuring the two cars must belong to the pastor and the church secretary.

  I parked the car and joined the lady at the door. “I’m Betsy Jones,” she said with a smile, then gave me a big hug. “You must be Christian. I recognize you from your mama’s pictures. She prays for you all the time, you know.”

  We bonded quickly. I told her about Sebastian and how he’d helped me get back into a right relationship with God. I even told her about Chyna lying about me on the news. She listened attentively.

  “If you have the faith and belief of Moses,” she advised me, “God will part the sea for you and let you walk to the safe side. You need the courage of Daniel to be in the lion’s den or to go through a fiery furnace, like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, and know that you won’t get burned.”

  This woman was amazing. She had a love for the Lord that I lacked.

  “Tell me about your relationship with God,” I asked.

  “The Lord has been so good to me, I can’t begin to tell it all. He showed me there’s more to this life than just what we see here. He’s got a place for me, and for you that we couldn’t comprehend if we wanted to. And that gives me unexplainable joy, so deep in my soul that I walk fast everywhere I go. I’ve got the pep in my step from the heavenly Father pushing me along every inch of the way
.”

  “I hope I walk with the Lord like that when I’m as old as you.” Realizing what I’d just said, I added, “No offense.”

  She smiled from ear to ear. “None taken. I’m proud of my sixty-two years on this earth. Of course God wants new Christians to grow up in Christ. Christian faith is not something that comes easy. You have to be able to trust Him and believe that you can do nothing without Him. It’s all about relinquishing control of your life to Him and depending on Him for everything. Once you let Him lead and live your life as He commanded, He will bless you. Now, there will be some trials and tribulations, but you’ve got to continue to pray and praise God. See, the Lord will be with you in the good and bad times. Job says it best. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. Child, you need to read your Bible, pray, and ask God to guide you.”

  I immediately thought of the reason my boyfriend and I weren’t together. I had forced Sebastian to do something he didn’t want to do because he wanted to honor God. I wasn’t at that level in my walk with Christ. Oh, I believed God was there, but I hadn’t been tapping into what that really meant. If I longed to please God above all things, I wouldn’t have been tempted to satisfy my fleshly desires.

  “How do you get that kind of faith?” I asked. “I mean, I’ve been saved for a few months, but I still have my foot in the world. I feel more passionately about earthly things and people than I do about the Lord. But I know that’s not what I need.”

  She nodded. “You just have to say, ‘Lord, rain down Your spirit on me.’ Get on your knees and talk to Him. Not because you want Him to change your circumstances, but because you need Him to change you. Ask Him to take you in His arms and hold you close. Tell Him not to let you go until you have the Holy Ghost fully inside you. Admit that you need Him. Let Him know you want to know Him intimately.”

  This was one powerful and knowledgeable sister in the Lord. I could see how she was able to convince my mother to come to church services and why my mom had wanted me to talk to her.

  “The only one who can make your life right is Christ. Don’t seek friends or your job, or a man, or even the church to get you what you need. Go to the source. Beg God to fill you. When you spend time with Him, you will shine brightly, even in your darkest hours.”

  “I’m trying,” I said. “But sometimes it seems as if I can’t get anything right.”

  She put her arm around me. “My dear girl, God is always with you, but you can call on me, too, if you need to. Your mama has my number. You know, she’s always been proud of you. I’m proud of you, too. You’re doing great things.”

  “I’m nothing special,” I said meekly.

  “Don’t you talk like that,” she gently chided. “You’ve got to believe in yourself and surround yourself with folks who love God and love you.” She gave me a hug.

  I was almost thankful that my life was upside down, because if things were going right I would never have realized how much I needed to get my priorities straight. God wanted me to love Him completely, 100 percent. And that was exactly what I planned to do.

  The week passed quickly. Though my circumstances didn’t change, my attitude made all the difference.

  I decided it was time to go back to my apartment in D.C. Being with my mom and my sister had been good for me, but I had to lean on the Lord and allow Him to get me through these tough times.

  As I enjoyed what I figured would be my last breakfast at home for a while, Crystal barged into the kitchen, begging me to drive her to a clinic. “I’ve got to find out if I really am pregnant,” she said.

  I changed out of my robe and drove her to a clinic. After an hour’s wait, the doctor examined her and confirmed that she was going to have a baby.

  Crystal broke down and cried. I put my arms around her and pulled her close. “We’ll work this out together,” I promised her.

  After she regained her composure, we walked out of the clinic and got into my car.

  “I want an abortion,” she said, staring out the windshield.

  I wanted to tell her I’d been down that road before and it wasn’t as easy a way out as it seemed. But I was too ashamed. My wound was still raw and I didn’t want it exposed.

  “Promise me you’ll give this at least a couple of weeks,” I begged.

  She gazed at me with a look of disgust in her eyes. “I don’t want this thing growing inside me.”

  “How does your ex feel about it?”

  “Stone is not my ex. We’re still talking. He calls me from jail.”

  “Calls from jail, girl? You told me you cut that guy loose,” I cried out, slamming my hand against the steering wheel.

  “I’m sorry,” she said defensively.

  “You should be. I can’t help you if you’re not honest with me.”

  “Okay,” she said. “I won’t do anything drastic until we talk again. I promise.”

  When we arrived home, Mom was there. Crystal gave me a warning look, silently begging me to keep her secret. I avoided her questions about where we’d been by telling Mom about my decision to move back to my apartment.

  “It’s a cruel world out there, baby,” Mom said. “I don’t want you to get hurt. Why don’t you stay with me a while longer?”

  I patted her hand. “It’s been great being here,” I assured her. “But I have to get back to my life.

  “Will you call me as soon as you get in so I know you’re safe?”

  “Come on, Mom. You keep telling me to trust God. You can’t live in fear.”

  “I’m just being a protective mother,” she said with a sad smile. “The Lord doesn’t mind if I worry just a little bit.”

  I gave her a kiss and headed to my place.

  My apartment manager had done a great job cleaning up all the shattered glass. I couldn’t even tell the window had been damaged. After I got unpacked I noticed my answering machine light blinking. I was reluctant to listen to my messages. There were probably a lot of harassing comments on there. I braced myself, then hit the Play button.

  The first message was from Eden. “Dion and I are going at it again,” she said, her voice sounding distressed.

  Her second message was in a much calmer voice. “We made up. Things are back to normal. Call me.”

  The next message was from Troy. “I heard about all the stuff being piled on you. If you need me, call. I know you like trying to solve stuff on your own, but I’ve got inside contacts. Let me know if you want to use them.”

  I was happy to hear he was still there for me, particularly after I’d let him down. Apparently he did want us to be friends. He continued, “Oh yeah, and be careful. Rudy Roberts sent me a note telling me he’s watching me. Get that—he’s watching me. Just be careful, because the guy is crazy and I know he wants to settle the score.”

  Chills went up my spine. Why won’t the guy just go to jail already? Though the message creeped me out, I dismissed it quickly. My career was on the line. Roberts couldn’t mess me up any worse than what was already happening.

  Sebastian left the next message. His voice sounded so good. “I’m sorry I walked out on you. I care about you and I want to be there for you through all this.”

  The next message was Sebastian again. “I guess you don’t need me after all. Please just give me a call and let me know you’re okay.”

  Sebastian’s third message said, “Okay, I’m really worried now. Please call me.”

  I picked up the cell phone to call him, but it rang before I could dial.

  “Hello,” I said, trying to sound confident.

  “Hey, Chris.” Hearing Max’s voice instead of Sebastian’s made my anger flare.

  “Where have you been?” I demanded.

  “Hey, don’t get on my case like that. I’m majorly stressed right now.”

  “I don’t care how stressed you are,” I said. “My life is falling apart because of you.”

  “Quit yelling. Your butt’s not the only one in hot water right now.”

&nb
sp; “As far as I’m concerned, you could drop off the face of the earth. Every time I get involved with you something dramatic happens.”

  “Chris, I’m in D.C. At the hospital. With Eden.”

  “What?” I asked, my tirade suddenly deflated.

  “It’s pretty bad. You need to get down here right away.”

  When I got to the hospital, I discovered my girlfriend had a fractured jaw and a broken nose. The left side of her face looked like it had a small tomato inside it. She was unconscious and badly bruised.

  “What happened?” I asked Max as we stood beside her bed.

  “She and her husband have really been getting into it lately. I thought they’d worked things out, until Dion called and told me I’d better come to the hospital. I think he’s on drugs.”

  “So why didn’t you call the cops?”

  “He’s my friend. I don’t want to get him locked up.”

  “How come he’s not already in jail?” I asked.

  “She didn’t press charges.”

  “The police didn’t arrest him anyway?”

  “Yeah, they did. But he got out after a couple of hours.”

  I looked at my battered friend. “How long has she been here?”

  “Almost twenty-four hours. But the doctor said she’s going to be all right.”

  “She won’t be if she goes back home with that fool of a husband of hers.”

  Just as I said that, Dion walked in with a bouquet of roses in a crystal vase. He set them on the table beside the bed.

  Like roses are going to undo the damage you did.

  When Dion said hi to me, I snapped. I grabbed his neck and tried to choke him.

  “Girl, you’re crazy,” Dion said, trying to pry off my fingers.

  “If you want to fight, try beating up on someone who can hit back,” I screamed, pelting him in the chest with my fists.

  “Get your girl off me, Max.”

  Max just watched and stayed out of it.

  “You’d better stay away from my girlfriend,” I said as I slapped Dion’s face.

  Max finally pulled me off of Eden’s husband.

  “You’d better take her away before she gets hurt,” Dion said to Max, who dragged me out of the room.