Begin Again (Beautiful #2)

by Bester, Tamsyn

  “They wanted to confirm your appointment for tomorrow morning,” I said.

  “I didn’t make an appointment - “

  “Stop lying,” I snapped. I stood up and walked closer to her. “Just stop lying, and for once tell the truth! You’re not pregnant, are you?”

  “Brody, I can explain - “

  “No, I’m done listening to your bullshit, Sienna. You lied to me, and you did it in front of my friends and family. I.Am.Done. Do you hear me? No more! Tell me why you did it?”

  “I…” her mouth opened and closed before she grew completely silent. We both knew that I’d caught her, and that it was the final straw.

  “I can’t believe you’d go so far,” I said, “but the really sad part is that you thought I’d ever want to have a family with you. Did you think I was so gullible to believe you?”

  Sienna’s eyes grew hard, and her spine straightened. She wasn’t giving up that easily. It wasn’t in her nature, not even when she knew she’d already lost.

  “I knew what would happen when you saw your ex. You’d go right back to her and I wasn’t willing to give you up without a fight.”

  “I’m not yours to fight for,” I argued. “We aren’t a couple!”

  Sienna reared back as if I’d slapped her, and it crossed my mind that she was a brilliant actress. We’d agreed from the beginning that this was nothing more than a relationship of convenience, nothing more than two people satisfying physical needs and temporarily filling a void that would have otherwise stayed empty. Somewhere along the way though, something changed, and I’d obviously been too busy to notice. Or maybe I simply chose not to notice.

  “I can’t believe you!” she shrieked. A saw a tear slip down her cheek and I waited for the pang of guilt or remorse to hit. It didn’t. Sienna was just playing the game, even though I was throwing in the proverbial towel. If I was going to get my life back on track, I had to start somewhere.

  “Believe me, sweetheart. It’s over.”

  “Then so is your job,” she replied looking smug. This wasn’t the first time she’d threatened me. I knew as well as she did that fraternizing amongst co-workers was strictly against company policy, so our relationship remained somewhat of a secret. I think her father had his suspicions, but if he did, he never mentioned it either.

  “Doesn’t matter. I’ve set up a meeting with your father tomorrow and I have my letter of resignation ready. I’ll give my notice and be out by the end of the month.”

  “You’re leaving?” Sienna sounded surprised. Ironic, considering she’d probably seen it coming.

  I ignored her question. “I’m going to head out for a while. I think it will be best if you’re gone by the time I get back.”

  Without giving her time to respond, I walked back into my living room and it dawned on me just how suddenly out of place I felt. I didn’t belong here, and I was starting to realize I never had. That was the beauty of hindsight. It smacked you upside the head when it was almost too late to right your wrongs. I tucked my hands into my pockets and decided to walk to the bar a few blocks away. I could use a drink…or six.

  WHEN I ARRIVED back at my apartment a few hours later, it was well close to midnight and I was glad to find it empty. I didn’t bother switching the lights on as I took out a bottle of whiskey and sat down on my sofa. I poured some of the amber liquid into a tumbler, not bothering with ice, and took a large gulp, savoring the burn. Something in me toyed with the desire to call Demi, but I fought it tooth and nail. It was too soon. I had too much to work through before I considered speaking to her again. I needed to forgive myself for the mistakes I made a year ago, and then I could work on forgiving Demi for keeping such a life changing secret from me. I needed time to grieve a loss I’d only just experienced, even if it happened eight months ago, and then I needed a plan. Either way, Demi was part of that plan, and in the end, I couldn’t picture my life, present or future, without her.

  I walked into Dr. Hansen’s office, and she smiled at me from behind her large Mahogany desk. She was a beautiful woman with honey blonde hair tied up in a bun at the base of her neck. Behind the dark from her glasses sat light blue eyes that were as kind as they were stern. She might not have known it, but I owed her my life.

  “Demi, please, come in. Make yourself comfortable.”

  It had been two months since Huntley and Grayson’s wedding, and two months since I’d seen or heard from Brody. After everything that happened the last time I saw him, I’d decided it was time to take back control of my life, and my emotions. That’s why I’d been back to Dr. Hansen. She was the psychologist I started seeing after the grief of losing the baby became too much, and I wasn’t afraid to admit that I needed her help again. For the last three weeks I’d been seeing her twice a week. Until now we’d almost skirted around that last day I had with Brody but I had a feeling I’d be facing it today.

  “So, how are you?” Dr. Hansen asked. She took a seat on the sofa opposite me and started writing on her notepad. I often joked that she could write an entire book based on the notes she’d made during my previous sessions, but she reassured me that there was always someone else going through something much worse. It was her way of saying that feeling sorry for myself wouldn’t benefit me. So I’d listened.

  “I’m okay,” I replied, “just tired.”

  “Have you been sleeping?” she asked, not looking up yet.

  “Not much. I’ve been trying to sleep without using any medication, but its difficult. I can’t sleep without dreaming about…”

  “Brody,” she finished for me. “And your baby.”

  I nodded my head and swallowed. “Yes.”

  Dr. Hansen looked up and met my apprehensive gaze. She knew this was hard for me to talk about, but she’d keep pushing until I’d laid it all out there. I hated it, and it tore me up every time, but I knew that it was a necessary evil.

  “Have you thought about the possibility that your dreams are your subconscious’ way of saying that you haven’t been able to truly let go of your trauma and forgive Brody for what he did?”

  “I don’t know,” I replied honestly. “I thought I’d let it go but then Brody showed up and I was knocked right back to square one.”

  “Have you spoken to Brody since you told him about the baby?” Dr. Hansen asked, scribbling more notes. I fiddled with my fingers in my lap.

  “No.”

  “Don’t you think it’s time you did?”

  I sighed. “I don’t know. I’m scared to speak to him, I guess.”

  Dr. Hansen looked up at me again and I knew I wasn’t going like what she was going to say.

  “It will making moving on with your life harder if you don’t talk to him. You need closure, something you didn’t have before because until now, Brody hasn’t really featured. I want you to ask yourself, and you don’t have to answer me right away. Have you forgiven him for what he did?”

  I knew the answer, so I replied, “I know I haven’t, but I also feel guilty because it wasn’t entirely his fault that I was alone when the baby died. He chose to leave, but I chose to keep it from him.”

  “That’s a very accurate and mature observation, Demi. I also want you to think about this: how can you forgive him when you haven’t forgiven yourself? Your baby’s death wasn’t your fault, and it wasn’t Brody’s. It was a very unfortunate turn of events that neither you or Brody could change, even if he hadn’t left you.”

  I looked down at my intertwined fingers, unable to say anything for the moment. The truth was, I did blame myself for losing our baby. It’s impossible to describe what it’s like when you lose a child when you’re a woman. Our bodies are made to bare children, grow them, and give them life. But for some reason I failed. Or at least it felt that way.

  “Demi? Are you alright?”

  I looked up at Dr. Hansen’s concerned face and realized that I’d zoned out in the middle of our session.

  “Yes, sorry,” I replied. “What did you say?”


  “I asked if you’ve taken the time to forgive yourself and considered taking the time to think about where you want to go from here?”

  I looked out the window overlooking lush green grass, observing the way the sun seemed to brighten the world outside.

  “I just want to be happy again,” I replied simply. “I want to close my eyes at night and not worry about whether or not I’m going to have the same recurring nightmare again. I want to live my life without the weight of everything hanging over my head like a dark cloud.”

  “Does Brody feature into that?”

  “I’ve thought about it, but I don’t know how we can move forward after all of this stuff. I’d be surprised if he ever spoke to me again, if I’m being honest.”

  Dr. Hansen put her notepad down and moved to the end of the sofa. She took my hand in hers and gave it a squeeze.

  “I think the real question here is what do you want going forward? If it’s being happy, then work on finding what makes you happy again. And if Brody features into that, then let it be.”

  “I’m scared,” I admitted almost sheepishly. “What if he doesn’t forgive me?”

  Dr. Hansen smiled. It was warm and reassuring. Motherly. “It will all be okay,” she said. “You’ll see.”

  I gave her a small smile in return, and hoped she was right.

  AFTER SPENDING THE rest of my afternoon shopping, and mulling over Dr. Hansen’s advice, I took a slow, leisurely drive to Huntley and Grayson’s house. They were having a barbeque with the family to celebrate news of Huntley’s pregnancy. I always looked forward to their barbeques and after an enlightening session with Dr. Hansen, I was excited to spend the evening enjoying myself with the people I cared about the most.

  I came to a stop outside their house and grabbed Huntley’s gift from the backseat. It was a spur of the moment purchase, something that would mean a lot to her, to both of us. I walked in without knocking, and followed the sound of loud chatter and laughter coming from outside on the deck. Huntley’s face lit up when she saw me and made her way towards me, embracing me without hesitation. I hadn’t seen her for two weeks while her and Grayson were on their honeymoon in Paris. I’d missed her fiercely.

  “I’m so happy to see you,” she said with a broad grin on her face. She was absolutely glowing.

  “You too,” I replied, returning her grin. “I missed you.”

  “I missed you too,” she replied. I took her gift out and handed it to her.

  “What is this?”

  “Open it.”

  She lifted the lid off the small pink box and took out the necklace with the heart pendant. It was engraved with ‘A best friend is a sister that Destiny forgot to give you”.

  “It’s beautiful,” she sniffled. She waved me off when I wanted to ask her what was wrong and said, “Hormones, don’t mind me. I love it.”

  Just then, Grayson stepped up to her side, not noticing her brief bout of blubbering, and pulled me into a bear hug. I laughed, and while it sounded strange falling from my lips, it felt good.

  “I’m glad you guys are back,” I said. “Two weeks is way too long.”

  Grayson chuckled and looked Huntley with pure adoration. “I had a hard time keeping her there that long. Three days in and she wanted to come home because she missed Hunter.”

  Huntley responded with a playful slap, and replied, “You’re such an ass, Gray. You know you missed him too!”

  He winked at her and gave her a chaste kiss. “Whatever you say, wife.”

  They were so in love it was nauseating. And sweet. They were proof that true love and happy ever after’s didn’t only exist in the romance novels that crowded my e-reader.

  I cleared my throat and a rose colored blush crept over Huntley’s cheeks. “I’m going to say hi to everyone else. Try not to rip each other’s clothes off while I’m gone.”

  “No promises,” Grayson called out from behind me and again, I laughed. I made my way around the deck and said hello to Grayson’s parents, noticing that Jeff had been absent. We hadn’t spoken since the wedding and I missed him, but I understood his need for space. I just hoped we could, at some point, go back to being friends. I moved on to Huntley’s aunt and uncle and then finally on to Brody’s grandparents. I was talking to Brody’s grandmother when i felt eyes burning into the back of my head. The fine hairs on the back of my neck stood at attention, and my skin prickled with awareness. I knew it was Brody before I turned around, but when our eyes met, my heart stuttered. He’d always had that effect on me. Everyone else disappeared and just like it had been before, it was just the two of us. His hair was a sexy disheveled mess and he looked incredible in his dark jeans and grey t-shirt. I caught the smirk that played on his lips and realized that I’d been ogling him. It couldn’t be helped. It came naturally to me, despite all that had happened between us, and that familiar energy still pulsated between us. We had so much to talk about, and I wanted to talk to him, but only one thing mattered then.

  He was home.

  I stopped outside my grandparent’s farmhouse and gave myself a moment a breath for the first time in two months. It had taken me that long to get my things packed up in Chicago and finish up my last month at Johnson Waterman. Thankfully Sienna’s father hadn’t kicked up a fuss after I handed in my resignation, and to my surprise neither did Sienna.

  I was glad to finally be out of Chicago and back where I belonged.

  My grandfather, Clay was sitting on the front porch, pipe in hand. I hopped out of my truck, thankful that Grayson had been kind enough to leave it at the airport for me, and walked up the porch steps. My grandfather stood, and gave me the once over.

  “It’s about time you showed up, boy. Been waitin’ for you for over a year.”

  I chuckled and gave him a hug. “I know, I know. Took me a little longer to figure my shit out,” I replied.

  “Well,” he said, patting me on the back, “none of that matters. You’re home now.”

  The font screen door opened and my grandmother, Luanne appeared, her mouth wrinkling at the side from her wide smile.

  “Hi grandma.”

  She wordlessly wrapped her thin arms around my waist and squeezed. I kissed her gray hair and relaxed, breathing in her sweet familiar scent. I barely remembered my parents but as far as I was concerned, I didn’t need them if I had people like Clay and Luanne Scott taking care of me.

  “Welcome home, Brody. We’re so happy you’re back for good.”

  “Me too,” I said into her hair.

  She pulled away and looked up at my face. “We’ve missed you.”

  I wiped a stray tear from her aged cheek and tried to squelch the guilt I felt. Demi wasn’t the only I’d inadvertently left behind.

  “I’m home now,” I told her, “and I have no intention of ever leaving again.”

  My grandmother cupped my cheek. “That makes me so happy to hear.”

  My grandfather cleared his throat. “Enough now, Luanne. Boy’s been home all of five minutes and you’re already smothering him.”

  “Oh hush,” she slapped him on the chest, “I was not.” She looked back up at me, laughter in her eyes. “I just made some fresh sweet tea. Why don’t you sit outside here with your granddaddy and I’ll bring you some.”

  “Sounds good, thank you Gama.”

  She disappeared inside and my grandfather resumed his seat while I took the chair next to him. We were quiet for a while, almost contemplative as we both stared out onto the open land in front of us. My grandmother brought us some sweet tea as promised and shared a look with my grandfather before disappearing inside.

  “You know,” he began, “I was just a few years younger than you are now when I married your grandmother.” His face transformed from the hard look I had always known growing up and softened. He let out a low whistle, and I listened while he spoke. “Man oh man, she was the prettiest young thing I’d ever seen, and we were so smitten people starting getting sick of it. Anyway, our parents were so mad when we
decided to get hitched, but we didn’t care. Your grandmother was it for me and we didn’t see any point in waiting. It was a few years later when things got tough and we reached a point in our marriage where we weren’t sure if we could make it work. We decided some time apart would be best, and I honestly thought it was over.”

  “I didn’t know that,” I said. “Why are you telling me now?”

  “Because it damn near tore us apart,” he replied. “And you know what I realized?”

  I shook my head, not sure where he as going with this.

  “I realized that I could live without your grandmother, but I just didn’t want to.”

  “I still don’t know why you’re telling me this, Gramps.”

  “Why did you come home, son?” he asked, suddenly switching gears.

  “Because I was unhappy in Chicago,” I replied, perplexed.

  “We both know it’s more than that.”

  He stared at me and I finally understood why we were having this conversation.

  “You came back for Demi,” he stated, very sure of himself. My first instinct was to deny it, so I did.

  “That’s not true, Gramps. Demi and I are over. But you know all this.”

  “I know you don’t believe that.”

  “Why else would I have come home?”

  “You realized that you could live with out her, but you are choosing not to.”

  I looked at my grandfather, the man who had raised me taught me about what it took to be a man.

  “Have you spoken to her yet?” he asked.

  I put my elbows on my knees and pulled my fingers through my hair, the weight of the last two months resting heavily on my shoulders.