Anathema (Sojourner Series Book 4)

by Maria Rachel Hooley

  "Listen for my voice. Stand and look at me."

  I bite my bottom lip and pull myself upright before turning my head in Evan's direction, praying he's as safe as he thinks he is.

  Immediately, the white heat of his form surges into view, and I gasp. It's not that I wasn't prepared to find him but rather that I can feel something jump inside me. My hand starts rising.

  "Think about the grey beside me, Elizabeth; try to override the white of my form."

  My arm is straight now, and I know what's coming. He's crazy to think I have some way of controlling this. Still, I ignore the brilliant white of his form and focus on the grey. It's really hard when I see the same white of his form starting to glow in my fingertips, a hint of what’s to come.

  "Focus, Elizabeth. Shut down the white. Smother it with the grey."

  The glow at the end of my hands brightens and spreads up my fingers as it usually does.

  "Evan?" I whisper, horrified.

  "I'm okay. Focus! That is the only way to stop it from getting out of control."

  "It keeps growing!" I shout. The white heat is now the size of a cue ball, and I can feel the burning heat radiating from it, something new.

  "Imagine throwing a blanket over it and smothering the flames,” Evan commands. “It will go out."

  From out of nowhere, I feel a sudden tempest whirl ferociously around me, whipping my hair wildly. The wind howls and beats at my body as I imagine a huge black, wool blanket in my other hand that I keep flipping over the glowing orb, stifling the searing light. For a moment, I see a lightness burning beneath the fabric’s weave, and part of me worries it will burn through, but at once the light smoulders away. My vision goes to gray.

  Still, I feel as though my entire body is on fire; the pain lances my temples, jabbing sharply. I fall over and collapse to the floor.

  "Elizabeth!" I hear Evan scream distantly, and I want to answer, but worlds slip past me as I drift down a river of blackness.

  "Elizabeth, can you hear me?"

  Even with my eyes closed, the world is swirling around me unpredictably, and I struggle to control the growing nausea. The voice hurts my head all the more, and I try to roll away from it, but the hands won't let me go—won’t let me slip back into the grey haze that seems to have wrapped itself around me.

  I just want to drift to sleep. What's so wrong with that? I try to push the hands away and murmur, "Go away."

  "You have to snap out of this. It's the magic in your body. It's rejecting your control and trying to smother you in return, Elizabeth. You have to fight the lethargy.

  "I want to sleep," I mutter, closing my eyes more tightly, as if that will do the trick. Maybe Evan is just a part of my dreams, and I can will him to disappear.

  "I know you want to sleep, but you can't. Not right now." His voice is urgent, and he starts shaking me so hard the peaceful feeling of relaxation completely dissipates.

  "Wake up!"

  I open my eyes and immediately regret it as the light from above burns into my eyes. I know they shouldn't burn; the lights aren't that bright. But I know what I feel. My eyes water in response, and I start to sit up.

  "You might not want to do that," Evan warns, holding me down.

  "I don't understand. You're the one who wanted me up in the first place."

  "Yeah, well, if you sit up too quickly, you're likely to get dizzy and take a nose-dive right back to the floor."

  Yeah, now that he mentions it, my head is really spinning, and it hurts like hell, so it’s probably a good thing I'm still just lying here, waiting for the world to clear up. I brush my hand over my eyes, trying to clear the haze.

  "What happened?" Although my vision is still cloudy, it's easier to make Evan out, and I can tell he's frowning.

  "You were able to work with the power. I saw the energy forming in one of your hands."

  I look down at the unbandaged one, remembering the heat surging there. It's creepy, really. "I didn't...attack you or anything, did I?" I ask, sitting up.

  "No. The power was building but you were able to control it well enough."

  I brush the hair from my face. "I wasn't sure I was going to be able to. It scared me."

  "I know. But you did fine."

  He reaches out and offers me his hand. I take it and struggle to my feet. "What happens now?" I ask in a voice a lot less casual than I feel. As I take my first step, I stagger and almost lose my balance.

  "First, we get you home and let you rest. This kind of training can be pretty tiring, and if we aren't careful, that power will overwhelm you if you don't have enough of a defense in place."

  "And then?"

  Evan nudges me toward the door. "We'll talk about tomorrow when tomorrow comes, Elizabeth. There's no sense in borrowing trouble when we already have more than enough to go around."

  Chapter Nine

  Both Evan and I are quiet pretty much the whole drive home, but I’m willing to bet neither of us can escape thinking about the Triune and the future. It’s a beautiful, cool night, and I’ve rolled the window down to let the air touch my skin. Right now, pretty much everything makes me feel claustrophobic.

  When we drive up, I park behind Jimmie’s old truck, and Lev is already on the porch. Part of me wonders if Evan let him know we were on our way home or if he’s actually been sitting there most of the day, waiting. He has his hands deep in his pockets, and the late afternoon sunlight seems to collect in his skin and glow. Without a doubt, he’s the most beautiful being I’ve ever seen. I just can’t seem to figure how anyone else could miss what he really is. It seems so obvious.

  Before I can even get out of the Jeep, Lev is already walking down the steps toward me. His lips are drawn into a neutral line, and I can feel the tense energy flowing from him with each step. He almost passes Evan without a sound but Evan reaches out and grabs his arm.

  “There’s no point in worrying. She’s fine. Nothing happened.”

  “Yeah.” Lev’s tone is clipped, and he pulls away so he can get to me. His gaze sweeps up and down my body, probably looking for signs something went terribly awry. When none present themselves, he gently grips my shoulders and takes a deep cleansing breath that he lets go.

  “I’m fine, like Evan said,” I murmur, staring into his blue eyes.

  A small smile tugs at his lips, and he finally nods. “Yeah, I guess I can see that.” He released his hold and slips one arm around me. He starts to lead me inside when I stop and let Evan go pass front of us.

  “What’s wrong?” he asks, immediately tensing.

  “Nothing. I just thought it might be nice to take a walk. It’s cool, and the air carries that earthy smell of autumn I love.” I lean against him and smile, contented by the feel of his shoulder supporting me.

  “A walk,” he muses, watching Evan slip inside. “I think we can manage that.”

  “Good.” Together we head down the street.

  “How did it go?” he asks. His voice still sounds edgy, and I know he’s worried.

  “Well, I didn’t injure Evan or myself, so that has to be a plus.”

  “I take it you discovered the power center, then?” He stares ahead.

  “Yeah. It was kind of unsettling, and it made me think of things I’d rather not, but it was okay. You do what you have to, right?”

  Lev doesn’t answer. I know his take on all this. He doesn’t agree with any of it, and he’d rather just try to protect me from the future. Trouble is, the kind of future coming my way isn’t something he’s going to be able to stop.

  Ahead, I see the entrance to the neighborhood park, a perfect place to unwind and leave the stress behind for a little while. Right now I’d love nothing more than to be a kid again, but I’m going to have to settle for the next best thing—acting like one. And since the place is deserted, it looks like I have every opportunity.

  Lev spots my destination. He shakes his head and laughs. “Why am I not surprised, Elizabeth?”

  “You know me too well,�
� I retort and slip away from him. “Race you to the swings.” Knowing a head start is the only chance I’ve got, I pump my speed into a full run.

  “You want a race, you got it!” Lev shouts from behind me. At first, I can hear him chasing me, as though he is completely silent—at least until he zips past me in a furious rush of wind I could never catch, no matter if I had a half a mile head start. Still, that doesn’t keep me from running as fast as I can. It only makes me start laughing, which really slows me down.

  By the time I get to the swings, Lev is already sitting in one, flying well into the air, and I grin, knowing how much like a kid, he doesn’t look in this body. But his smile is so filled with joy, I know a kid must be buried in there somewhere.

  “You could have let me win,” I argue between gasps, leaning against one of the support poles.

  “What fun would there be in that? You’d have known I was pretending and would have hated it. You can’t win against an angel, Elizabeth.”

  You got that right, I think, shaking my head as I wait to catch my breath.

  “What’s the matter?” he asks in mock concern. “Can’t stand running?”

  I shake my head. “It’s a good thing you’re swinging because I’d have to hit you for that one,” I grumble, irritated by his suddenly playful attitude.

  “You’d have to catch me first.”

  “Nobody likes arrogance!” I snap, finally able to stand upright and breathe normally so I can get into the swing. “Just keep that in mind.”

  “Will do,” he agrees pleasantly.

  I shake my head, aware my grumbling is lost on him. The frustration probably comes from remembering him as Scott sometimes—you know, the cop who irritated the hell out of me. I know when Lev was acting that part, he didn’t mean to anger or hurt me, but that doesn’t change what I felt. I’ve thought about how things went a thousand times, and I should have known better, but I guess it’s always easier to believe what is right in front of me than what takes time and faith. It all goes back to me not being a patient person.

  As I slip into the swing, Lev is still soaring through the air, his long legs ungainly as he flies back and forth. It doesn’t take long for me to match his pace and height so we swing side by side. Then again, I know Lev.

  “You helped me again, didn’t you?” I ask.

  He shrugs. “Maybe a little.”

  “Figured.” I glance up at a sky that right now is on fire with the sun. In a few hours, that brilliance will simply fall off the edge of the horizon and night will return. With the dreams. It seems half my life has been measured in dreams. I’d actually settle for a night of just plain boring sleep from time to time. Then again, I guess that wouldn’t make me Elizabeth Moon, would it?

  Clouds summersault over each other as they lazily spin across the sky in a parade of amazing shapes. I used to love making shapes from them when I was a kid, and even though Jimmie had a million other things he probably needed to do, he would always take the time to play with me. It was so cool.

  Good memories.

  I lean back in the swing and start really propelling my legs, trying to boost myself higher, without Lev’s help. I still like to do things myself, you know, and I’ve never quite outgrown the magic of a swing. I guess that’s why I like the park so much. It reminds me of all the best parts of my childhood.

  “What are you thinking?” Lev asks, and I open my eyes to find him slowing down and stopping so he can get out of the swing.

  “How much I used to think swinging was like flying.” I eye a sparrow overhead as it swiftly wings toward a nearby tree.

  Lev nods. “Yeah, I guess since it’s the closest thing for humans, I can see that. But you’ve been with me, Elizabeth. Does it still seem so similar?”

  I shrug. “Oh, I don’t remember,” I say in a coy tone. “I haven’t been in a while, you know?” I stop pumping my legs, and the swing starts to slow.

  Lev grins. “Oh, really? It’s that hard for you to remember?”

  “Well, I am a mortal.” I wink at him. “And we are prone to forgetting things. What we do remember isn’t always right, either. Or have you forgotten?” My swing has almost slowed to a stop, and again I’m thinking Lev has had something to do with it.

  “You’re helping again, aren’t you?”

  He nods. “Well, you are a feeble mortal and all that, right?”

  “Feeble?” I jump out. I guess I should’ve estimated better because I pretty much land on top of him. Lev is, of course, more prepared than I am; without effort, he reaches out and catches me.

  “See what I mean? You can’t even get out of a swing without running somebody over,” he says with a wry grin.

  I always feel small compared to him. He towers over me, and I’m not short. Maybe part of it is I know what he really is, that no matter how long I know him, it doesn’t change how amazing he is. My skin burns with the feel of his hands on my arms, and I find myself speechless as we stand here.

  “What’s the matter, Elizabeth?” he softly taunts, stepping closer. “Caught off guard by a wayward angel?”

  I can feel my breath getting more and more shallow. My heart is jack hammering in my chest. “I’m always taken off guard by you.”

  “As I am with you,” he whispers. He strokes my face with the back of one hand and leans close to kiss me. I close my eyes, waiting to feel his lips, and when they touch mine, I’m lost in all he is.

  I don’t know how long we linger like that. In some ways, it feels like an eternity. In others, it’s never long enough. It’s like we’re only complete when we touch, and I always want to be near him, and when he pulls back, I open my eyes and wait for my heart to slow. I find him staring at me, a strange smile tugging at his lips.

  “What are you staring at?” I whisper.

  “You, of course.” He brushes my hair back. “I could look at you all day and never grow tired.

  “I think you must be paying for some kind of mischief. Otherwise, why would you be stuck with me?”

  He shakes his head. “God wanted me to learn how to love humans, remember? You taught me that lesson well, Elizabeth. It’s your fault.” He winks at me.

  “Maybe, but I’ll never be sorry.” I lean against his chest, my head tucked beneath his chin, my favorite place in the world. It’s the only place I seem to fit.

  “Me, either.” I linger there, in the safety of his arms, imagining his wings furling around us, cutting off the rest of the world. I know if I could have any wish, that would be it—for my world to be simply that inside Lev’s wings. I don’t want to feel this power inside me or realize the future could mean more than change; it could mean pain and death, all the things I’ve tried so hard to avoid.

  “I know you are worried about the future, Elizabeth.” His deep voice rumbles through me.

  “Are you reading my mind, Lev Walker?” I demand, pulling back and shaking a chiding finger at him.

  “I don’t have to. I sense the anxiety flowing through you.”

  I shrug. “Like you aren’t anxious?”

  “Yes,” he admits, nodding as he takes one of my hands in his own. “But the difference is I’m an angel and can do something about it.”

  “Not according to Evan,” I point out, a shudder running through me.

  Lev is stiffens. “Let’s just say Evan and I have theoretical differences about this one, okay?” He levels a pointed gaze at me.

  “But what if he’s right? What if there is nothing you can do that won’t put you in the middle of a battle you shouldn’t be in?” I try to drop his hand, but he refuses to let go.

  “My place is with you, Elizabeth. God wanted me to understand love, and I do, but that means I have to be there for you even in this battle. You’ve done nothing wrong, and I have to make the Triune see that. Even angels can be stubborn and short-sighted. Trust me.”

  “I just don’t want to be the reason things get bad for you. You’ve done more for me than anyone, and I love you, but I don’t ever want th
at love to hurt you.”

  He squeezes my hand. “I’m a big boy, in case you haven’t noticed, and you can’t pick my battles for me, earthly or otherwise.”

  “Did God ever tell you how stubborn you are?”

  He laughs and shakes his head. “More than once.” He looks off into the distance as though he’s reliving certain memories, and part of me wonder if angels have the same sorts as humans.

  “Do you ever regret the choices you made with me?” I brush my longer bangs behind my ears.

  “Never—but you should know that,” he chides.

  The sun burns brightly behind him, haloing his face with a golden glow. Only I know that so very little of that is from the sun. I keep staring at him, amazed at his beauty. The clouds keep rolling in until, at last, they’ve obscured the light.

  Chapter Ten

  That night, wrapped in Lev’s arms, his wings furled around us, I find at last I do not dream, which comforts me. It makes it easier to convince myself I’m not really seeing images of the Triune which will eventually come, seeking to judge me for using the powers they believe I’ve stolen.

  Still, when dawn finally comes, I find myself waking to a grey sky and rain falling in heavy, swollen drops that patter noisily on the windows almost like hail. Even as my eyes open, Lev’s already sitting up. From where I lie, I can see him frowning, almost like he’s concentrating really hard on something. I can always tell because the aura of his wings seems so much brighter when he’s distracted.

  Lightning arcs across the sky and splits the clouds. I sit up and slide my legs over the edge of the bed so I’m right next to him, and the moment he sees I’m awake, he pushes away whatever deep thoughts have engrossed him and leans in to kiss my cheek.

  “Good morning, Elizabeth.” He nuzzles my face, sending a shiver down my spine.

  Thunder crashes outside, and I jump. He slips his arm around me, and I feel his calm soothing through me, a tranquil warmth that drives away fear. Rain pelts the glass louder.