Fire & Flesh

by Kerri Carr

  Our fluffy soft white carpet was fun to crawl on and the first thing they’d come home to me wearing like that, was this short, sheer black little lacy body suit by La Lilouche.

  The first thing Cash said when he walked in was, “You’re so good to me.”

  I asked, “Want some more?” and stood up on my tip-toes in my heels stretching out my legs tall to kiss him, letting his hands find the back of me.

  Our lives weren’t all sex-kitten driven games, though. and it wasn’t all work and city. As their work became more secure, our chats about what to do with the money became more serious. Cash was big on investment properties and planning on some trips for the winter to check out different locations. He wanted to buy us a few homes so we could have somewhere nice to spend winters, which none of us liked. His list of properties to look at was all over the globe and he wanted us to come along, if we could, to look at some of them.

  Andy was working out a big trip for himself, though, it seemed our trip to the Hamptons reminded him of his life-long passion for diving. He’d gotten together a couple of divers and was planning a bit of an expedition where he’d be away and in the water for nearly two month’s time.

  I on the other hand, while having complete access to funds, wasn’t feeling any pull towards any big ventures outside of our home and so I felt my interests and purpose would grow in time. It was around then that I began to pick up writing again.

  That winter was long and it was a good thing Cash had us off on what turned out to be mini-vacations so we could rejuvenate and soak up some sun. Buenos Aires was divine—like the Paris of South America, so romantic. The people were so friendly there, like family. We enjoyed our stay but didn’t find it necessary to buy the place we looked at, even though it was a slice of heaven.

  Costa Rica was a dream and I adored the place we looked at in Playa Flamingo. I also adored having coconuts cut for me and all the fresh fruit was just what I needed, that and the sunny shore.

  We all decided right off it was a perfect place to retreat to, and this became our first home purchase on our own. The place was a lot smaller than the Penthouse, but the layout was open and airy, just what you’d want in such perfect weather. The pool and gardens were so serene and deliciously private, so calming.

  I truly loved the country and the weather so much that I felt like from then on, I was only humoring Cash going along to other locations. I felt if I had time to get away, it would be there in Costa Rica that I would want to spend my time. On the beach we saw a few children playing a ways down. I remember thinking how peaceful and healthy they all looked. Just doing what kids should do; digging in the sand, playing in the water. The beach was really all about relaxing, the sun and water, and play. I loved how it brought the child out in me and made me want to just let go and enjoy.

  These thoughts wandered to where I reasoned when I had children of my own that I would want them to have a childhood somewhere like this. The soothing and inspiring thoughts brought on a calm, but was closely followed by a seed I accidentally planted out of anxiety.

  How could I ever have children in my current way of living? We were a star trio, but our lifestyle wasn’t suited to move towards family. So much of children’s security and success lies in their family structure, the foundations, and what about how they’re treated by outsiders? I couldn’t bear the thought to ever think I’d be selfish enough to drag an innocent child into unknown territory. They could potentially be ridiculed, or suffer emotionally, or grow up confused, or even begin to harbor detrimental resentments. The whole idea of living the way I was, seemed to make me feel like I was trapped between living for myself or sacrificing to maybe someday be a mother. I didn’t mention these thoughts to the guys, but only let them sit a while and figured things would sort themselves out in time.

  Luckily there was the distraction of world travel to whisk me out of my stressing spell and we were soon aboard a plane headed to Mexico. All this warm sun on my skin was welcomed as was the exercise. Though we were there to check out a killer ocean front mansion, we’d worked in time to visit some ancient ruins about an hour’s drive away. Seeing documentaries on such places in the world was one thing but to walk step by step to the top of a vast and ancient site like where we were was really something special.

  The place was deserted the day we went which gave an even deeper impression also allowing us to relax with each other. At the top we explored a little and then all sprawled out in the sun to refresh and just let it all sink in. It was as if this was our kingdom and we sat looking out from our royal thrones. What wonders we were able to, and had, and would, all see together and share. What deep rich lives we led, the three of us together.

  After soaking up the Mexican flavor and touring a couple of beautiful homes, all with such vivid colors, we headed halfway across the world to Dubai.

  We’d planned to spend a longer holiday there at some point, but this time it was just to visit some properties in person. It was overwhelming. We looked at fairytale villas, ranches, condos, and penthouses. We were wined and dined along the way, swept in and out of the most elaborate and larger-than-life modern places I’d ever laid eyes on. Dubai is a knock-out place, but it really wasn’t for me. No matter where we went I still got the feeling we were in a city and if I wanted that I’d personally prefer New York or somewhere a little more homey.

  Off we went, to see the beauty of New Zealand which was quite lovely. We enjoyed a long day of horseback riding in the countryside, quite a welcoming pace in comparison to Dubai. We took in the beautiful unique flora and sampled new foods and flavors. I found it to be a comfortable place, and most hospitable, but I felt far from home and began to miss mother’s face and longed for the end of our journeys.

  We decided to delay our last stop and come home to have some time together to unwind before Andy headed off for his scuba diving adventures.

  *****

  It took days for me to recoup from all of that traveling and to truly feel at home again. I was home for days further, but happily so, on my ‘womanly vacation’. After a week of playing homebody and lounging around I was ready to get out and enjoy the new spring air. What a better way to feel at home than to shop for something perfect to wear on my birthday? A spring birthday always suited me and this year I was determined to truly go in for a really good time as it would be the last weekend Cash and Andy and I would all be together before Andy went away.

  There were enough hot and steamy hotel nights on our trips and so for this birthday I had the idea to go in for more of a girly theme, and treat myself to feeling special and womanly. The guys had surprised me with tickets to a symphony, four of them, so my mom could come too which I thought was just perfect. We were planning on throwing a little party back at the Penthouse after. Dinner would be first, of course, and I requested we go to our old standby, Restaurant Daniel.

  Knowing where we’d be going and how it was somewhat of a last hooray, I just had to find the perfect dress. I already knew that for my birthday, I wanted something light and pretty. I didn’t want black, too sexy and formal. I didn’t want red, too sexy and well, sexy. I didn’t want a solid color at all really, not even gold or silver and that left a whirlwind of other choices from prints to patterns. It was a lot harder to shop for a dress with an occasion in mind, in my opinion, than it was to let a gorgeous number strike you with the anticipation that would drive you to a destination.

  There were floral prints of all sorts all over town but I didn’t want too old or too young, I wanted princess for the night, lady of the evening, presenting the birthday girl, Miss Holly. I wanted to feel like a delicate cake topper, or like the flowers myself, not be decorated in them.

  I bypassed pleats and stripes and dots and tie dyes and boho and fruit and tropical and embellished and flirty all over town for a week in search of something I began to feel I might not find. My mother, my friends, my boyfriends… they would all love me no matter what I was in. I didn’t have to look perfect or so I began t
o tell myself, but after stops for recharge-lattes or lunches, I trudged on.

  I ended up back at Saks, an all time favorite of mine, though it was where I started. I perused again, this time trying to pay attention to anything I might have missed zooming through. Carelle was working at the store that day and she smiled me over for a chat.

  It helps to be friendly and spend loads of money because you get to know the right people, and though I couldn’t begin to describe my own style, Carelle had somehow managed to grasp it and I trusted her. But what happened there that afternoon was sheer magic. We smiled and laughed and had a few jokes but then I told her with a pout face that I was back around because I still hadn’t found a dress to wear on my birthday. She knew Andy was going away, and since Carelle and I had grown quite close, she would also be attending my little birthday shindig as well.

  She pursed her lips to one side and her eyes rolled up and to another as she gave it a quick thought. Just then out of nowhere a beam of light struck across her face as her mouth opened completely wide, her eyes just as so, with a big smile.

  “Oh, my god,” she said, looking straight into my eyes, “we just had a new Chloe gown arrive!” She was talking in the most excited whisper. “It’s not supposed to debut til Saturday, I think we’re going to do it at nine thousand.” She kept her surprised look but changed to more serious and looked around. “I wonder if I could show it to you.”

  Carelle had been with Saks for years but she was no top-dog, and there was definitely a certain protocol about things. The party itself was Saturday, my birthday, but if there was a gown that had come in that made her make that face, I just had to see it. I certainly couldn’t wait until then to find something.

  “Give me just one moment,” she instructed me, almost slyly and disappeared to hopefully work some magic.

  I looked around at gorgeous dresses for the second time that week, that just weren’t it. I couldn’t bear the thought of settling. Just then, Carelle appeared again walking almost briskly with her eyebrows raised.

  She locked into my elbow with hers and told me, “come with me.” As we walked she let on. “Only because you’re one of our premiere clients and only because I swore on my life you wouldn’t breathe this out to a single soul, I have permission to show you the dress. If you decide to purchase it you will have to sign something saying you will not publicize the sale or something, and will have to keep it hidden until the debut date.”

  “Wow,” I said and at that moment I was in the back room at Saks Fifth Avenue. She wasn’t even allowed to bring it out to a room for me. We walked back through the sea of garments all organized and hanging to an area where everything was covered individually.

  She told me to wait where I was and was reading the tags adorning the mystery covers.

  “This is it!” she said. “Well, Holly, I hope you like it,” and pulled away the cover revealing the most perfect birthday gown I could have imagined if I had tried to design it myself. It was flowing, dainty, feminine—it was my cake topper! The gown was made in France, all silk, a sleeveless halter v-neck with a pleated silhouette. Adorning it were tassels along the asymmetrical detail. The front was mostly pale pink atop, pretty blue below and then the sides faded to greens, where the entire back was mostly all pale pink, and with a soft rainbow effect created by the multicolored touches. Now I knew why Carelle had acted the way she did—the dress was made for me to wear!!

  *****

  That Saturday I woke to birds singing on a lovely sunny spring day to two very fine looking gentlemen on either side of my bed whispering softly, “oh, there she is…”

  Andy was rubbing my back and caressing me and Cash was at my legs and feet stroking my smooth skin and softly soothing me.

  “Mmmm,” was all I made out and soaked it all in enjoying every second. “I love you guys,” I murmured and we all chuckled. They knew I would be still as long as they continued, loving the petting.

  “So, what do birthday princesses eat for breakfast?” Andy inquired.

  “Mmmm… coffee,” I murmured, “and… French toast…” And after thinking, “with strawberries…” Cash was rubbing his hands now up my inner legs far up and Andy was stroking my head, playing with my hair and pulling it a little tightly. “Mmmm… I want you guys for breakfast!”

  And we all laughed but the rubbing continued and they gave me what I wanted and more and more and more treating me like a real princess and all of us enjoying this last morning together in love. We had already remarked that while Andy was away that Cash and I would take it easy waiting for his return out of love. So on this warm, breezy, perfect sunny morning was where we let our deepest passions fly through kissing and treating each other completely, giving over and pouring out our love. They to me, me to them.

  Somehow they managed to have the strength to carry on and actually make the breakfast, too, while I on the other hand was near immobile afterward. What a glorious birthday already. We had decided to have a walk in the park, just the three of us. When I came downstairs just in a little sleeveless Fendi printed floral dress with a flouncy dropped waist and ruffle skirt, pink and white, I expected we’d just be walking the block over but what was there awaiting me but a grand carriage fit with white horses.

  “We thought you might like to take the long way,” was Cash’s remark as he led the way with his hands and helped me up to where Andy was sitting only to present me with an overflowing bouquet of white and pink roses.

  “Happy birthday, baby,” he said and kissed me on the lips as I sat to receive them. I sat between my darlings and smiled from ear to ear as we enjoyed the ride just for fun.

  Later on I waited until mother arrived for us all to drive to the dinner together to step out in my gown. I did so softly and shyly almost, wearing the most delicate shoes and light pink earrings.

  “Oh my lord!” Mom cried, and the boys gasped the same with wows, “you are a real princess,” she said and I almost thought she might cry for a second. I did a slight twirl and for the rest of the evening enjoyed being on top of my birthday world, my cake and the city, as feeling once again like the luckiest woman to walk the night.

  *****

  Days without Andrew went on for both of us with an air of dragging and we felt his absence, though tried not to show it and keep ourselves busy. Cash was out of town here and there himself, so I simply stayed on task. I took lots of bubble baths, went for massages twice and sometimes three times a week, I shopped and I read and I wrote. Days rounded, weeks passed and things felt a little different, more than I could pinpoint why, and I felt it veered from just Andy’s absence.

  I was quietly enjoying a book and some iced tea out at the park by myself when Cash called me.

  “Hey, I just got in, I thought you’d be home around this time of the month,” he said almost jokingly but sounded quite serious in undertone actually.

  “What’s up?” I asked.

  “Holly, I… can you come home?”

  “Yeah, I’ll be there in a few,” I said and we hung up. Something was wrong. I walked in the door and he was sitting on the couch with his head in his hands.

  “What’s going on?” I asked.

  “Holly, listen, I didn’t want you to worry but…” I raised my eyes to question and sat across from him. “I got a call a week ago that Andy’s team hadn’t responded and disappeared. I didn’t want to worry you. They assured me that the divers were probably fine but protocol was to call it in. Today they’ve called me and it’s way worse. Their main ship was found abandoned and damaged, no sign of the divers and no radio call for 8 days now. The officer I spoke to said they won’t close the case but considering their location and nature of the dives they were doing they’ve all thrown in the towel.”

  I stood up, “What!? Thrown in the towel?!”

  “He said they wouldn’t stop looking but that from the way it seemed there was little to no hope.” I sat silent. It would do no good to be angry, I heard what words he was given. I stared of with a
surge of desperation creep up and put my face in my hands and just cried.

  “We just have to wait to hear,” he said, and hugged me.

  Those days were long and there was something much bigger to pass the time about now. I didn’t take bubble baths. I didn’t get massages. Or shop. Or read. I just stared off and waited. Meanwhile there was a bigger worry brewing in the back of my mind, which with what was going on, I could only keep private. Mother would come over to comfort me and bring me food but with all the emotions and lack of definition to life, I felt helpless. I missed him. He was the sweetest man alive, he just couldn’t go like this. Andy wasn’t much of a fighter, he was strong and would surprise you, but… I just couldn’t accept that he was gone.

  Cash was out of sorts, too and began to drink heavily to forget everything, and he didn’t know what to do. He kept saying he wanted to go find him, but knowing he didn’t have a clue where to look or how to do it better than who was already, he stayed with me.

  The summer began to look hot out and I barely left the house, I just couldn’t bear to do anything. I often found myself just standing at the window and staring out. Life with only us two would not do. Half of my whole heart was in his hands.

  Mother came one day and gently insisted I come with her out to have some lunch, just to get some fresh air. It had been four weeks since Andy’s crew had completely disappeared and still no one had heard a thing.

  She managed to cheer me up with her perfect motherly way, convincing me to stay strong and not lose hope and think about what Andy would want me to do. I shed a tear but with a bittersweet half smile, and rose to put some real clothes on.

  I put on a dress to perk me up and in the back of my mind was something I also wanted to speak with her about, personally. I knew just the one, the Alexander McQueen silk chiffon sweet pea gown I had been saving for something special and for the day and purposes it was perfect. We ate al fresco and I turned down wine.