The C Word: Redefining Me (Book 3)

by MacQueen, Michelle

  “I needed a pain pill and some peace and quiet,” Addie insisted.

  “We have worked too hard to get you where you are, Addison. You were the youngest captain the squad has ever had, and you’ve taken them to state finals every single year. This is our year, sweetheart.” She crossed her legs and leaned toward her daughter. “This is the year we win state finals, and if you loosen the reins on that team too much while you’re injured, don’t think for a second that Meghan and Ashley won’t attempt to take over.”

  Addison didn’t want to tell her they were already trying to push her out. She never cared as much about the squad as her mother did. But Nancy Parker raised her daughter to be the popular, pretty cheerleader with every advantage. She wanted Addison to follow in her footsteps, go to college, find a rich husband, and have it made for the rest of her life. It didn’t matter if that wasn’t what Addison wanted. But Addison really didn’t know what that was anymore.

  “I want you to rest up tonight, but no more skipping practice. We’re going to keep a firm hand on that team until that trophy is ours.” She leaned forward to grasp her daughter’s hand.

  “Yes, ma’am.” Addie sighed. She hated the way her mom talked about her accomplishments as ‘theirs’ when Addie was the one who did all the hard work.

  “What’s all this?” Addison gestured at the packages spread across the coffee table. The easiest way to get her mother onto a new subject was to talk about whatever was in those bags.

  “I got the most adorable new traveling outfits.” She beamed, sorting through the bags to find what she was looking for.

  “Traveling?”

  “Yes, your father has another business trip coming up next week.”

  “How long will you be gone this time?” Addie put the right amount of disappointment into her tone, not wanting her mother to know she lived for these business trips that left her alone for a much-needed reprieve.

  “Three weeks this time,” her mom said. “We’re going to Australia. I’ve never been, and I’m so excited!”

  “Bring me back a koala bear.” Addie smiled. “And not one of those stuffed ones either. I want the real thing.”

  “That’s my silly, sweet girl.” Nancy leaned down to press a kiss on Addison’s forehead.

  Her mother drove her insane most of the time, but no one could say Nancy Parker didn’t adore her daughter. She just didn’t know her as well as she thought she did.

  “Listen, while we’re gone, you should have a party. It’s been a while since you’ve hosted your friends here, and this is the perfect time for it. I’ll leave you enough money to throw a big parents-out-of-town bash, and you can just call the cleaning service after. That will remind everyone exactly who you are. I want you to stay on top of your social game, darling. Especially while you’re down with your injury. This is your senior year. We want you to get into the right college that will give you all the advantages.” As if her social game had anything to do with getting into college.

  What her mother really meant was she wanted Addison to go to her alma mater and pledge her sorority as the legacy student she was. As a Kappa Alpha Theta, Addison would meet all the rich eligible boys her mother would consider husband material. Nancy believed a well-bred lady went to college to get an MRS degree. Sure, it was a good idea to better her mind while she was there so she could keep up with her smart husband and his smart friends, but the bottom line was that college equaled husband shopping.

  “Wait, who’s going to take me to my physical therapy while you’re gone? I can drive most places, but they don’t want me driving after.”

  “We’ll arrange for a car service to take you.” Her mother gathered up her bags.

  “When are you leaving?”

  “Friday afternoon. But don’t worry darling, we aren’t leaving you all alone and injured. Mrs. Culpepper next door is going to come check on you a couple of times a week.”

  “Okay. Uh, thanks, Mom.” The introvert inside her loved having the house to herself, but the injured teenager was more than a little nervous about taking care of herself for three weeks when she couldn’t navigate the stairs very well on her own.

  4

  Julian

  Fact: Julian’s dad thought he was cool. Brian Callahan, with his short-cropped hair, button-down white shirt, and khaki pants looked the perfect image of a dad. And dads weren’t cool—at least not in the eyes of their moody teenage sons.

  “I’m not moody, Dad.” Julian opened the door to his bedroom, hoping it would be the end of the discussion.

  It wasn’t. His father followed him in.

  “Julian, I know you like to think your mother and I are clueless, but give us some credit. We know our son.”

  Julian stopped in front of the guitar standing in the corner of the room. It wasn’t the electric guitar he used for gigs. No, this one was a beauty of an acoustic that he’d owned since he was ten and his father taught him the magic of making music.

  Lifting it from its stand, Julian moved to sit on the corner of his bed, ignoring the way his dad stood watching him.

  He strummed a few chords.

  His dad cleared his throat, and Julian stilled his hands. “Really, Dad, I’m okay.” In the months since he returned to Twin Rivers after a year and a half away his parents had kept a close eye on him as if waiting for him to fall apart all over again.

  His twin, the boy with the same face, was dead, and the entire town looked at Julian as if they didn’t know how to handle seeing him every day. After the accident, he’d seen the same look in his parents’ eyes. It was why he’d left, not wanting to cause them any more pain.

  Yet, here he was, back home and still the cause of the tension in the house. His parents tried. They really did. But it wasn’t easy being around someone who shared a face with their dead son. Cooper was the golden child, always succeeding at anything he attempted.

  Julian was just … Julian.

  He started playing again, relief rushing through him when his dad walked out. It was short-lived, however, because Brian Callahan didn’t give up so easily. He returned a few moments later with his own guitar.

  Julian just shook his head, a smile coming unbidden to his lips. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d played with his dad. Other than band practices and gigs with Becks, Nari, and Wylder, Julian preferred to enjoy his music alone.

  Yet, he couldn’t help the comfort he felt having his dad sink into the chair across the bed and begin a riff of his own.

  His dad grinned as he worked his fingers rapidly over the strings, playing a rendition of a Zeppelin song. Julian picked up the notes, sliding a hand down the neck of his guitar as he changed chords.

  Before long, he found himself battling with his dad for supremacy. The song ended, but they kept playing.

  Julian’s dad leaned back but didn’t stop. He played a riff, making up the tune as he went. Julian copied him, adding his own flare and trying to top it.

  By the time his dad stopped, both were laughing.

  “The student has become the master.” His dad plucked a few strings absently. “It has been way too long since we’ve played together.”

  Over two years. Julian remembered the last time he’d had a guitar battle with his dad. The night before the accident, they’d spent all evening going back and forth until Coop got home, pulling all attention toward himself. He’d needed their parents to love him more than anyone else, getting jealous whenever Julian and their dad spent time together.

  Julian hadn’t minded … much. Even then he’d preferred to be alone. A great future used to stretch before him. He’d been a model student, one of the best in his year, and colleges were lining up with their scholarships.

  Now, he was a senior year repeater who couldn’t care less. Cooper would’ve enjoyed seeing his brother’s fall.

  “Julian.” His dad’s voice brought him back. “Where’d you go just now?”

  Julian brushed brown hair out of his eyes. “I don’t know what you’r
e talking about.”

  “Kid.” His dad sighed. “I know you’ve never needed much parenting, but maybe I need to parent.”

  What? When did his dad get the impression he didn’t need him? Julian only distanced himself from his family because they made it so damn easy. They hadn’t wanted him around.

  “I’m not Cooper, Dad.” He regretted the words as soon as his dad flinched. Cooper’s name still caused pain whenever spoken, but none of them understood. They didn’t know how it wasn’t only Cooper’s death that ate at Julian but his life as well as his actions.

  And the accident… Julian had never told them everything he went through trying to save his brother in the icy water before tumbling over Defiance Falls.

  When his dad spoke again, his voice was quiet. “We know you’re not Cooper, son.”

  “Do you? Because sometimes I think you expect me to be him. That you wish I was the one trapped in the car that night.”

  “Oh, Julian.” His dad set his guitar leaning against the chair and moved to sit beside him on the bed. “Have we really made you think that?”

  Julian shrugged. He wasn’t the emotional sort, but when it came to Cooper, a thousand different feelings stabbed through him. Anger. Guilt. Hatred. Love.

  Everyone missed Cooper. They remembered the football star who would bring fame to their small town. The boy with the charming smile and easy confidence.

  Julian tried to see that brother. He tried to miss him. That was the worst of all. Not the grief or the feelings of tension from his family. It was the not missing him. What did that say about Julian?

  “Julian, look at me.”

  “I think I’m done playing for today.” He didn’t move to set his guitar aside.

  His dad gripped his chin and turned Julian’s head so their eyes met. “You’re my son, Julian. Cooper was too, and his loss left a hole inside this family that will never be filled. But you, you’re alive. You’ve come home to us, and we love you.” He released Julian, his shoulders falling.

  “You and your brother couldn’t have been more different from the day you were born. You looked like the same person, but it was like you went out of your ways to distinguish yourselves.”

  They had. Cooper and Julian wanted to have very little in common.

  His dad continued. “He was the athletic one. So talented. He knew exactly what people wanted and how to give it to them. He took up a lot of this family’s energy with his constant needs, but we gave to him willingly.”

  He rested a hand on Julian’s shoulder. “But you … you were always stuck in your own head. Your books and your music, you knew how to make yourself happy.” He swallowed. “You didn’t need us, Julian. Not like he did. Growing up, you wouldn’t take what we’d give you. Help with homework? You could do it better on your own—your words. Advice about girls? You were zipped up tighter than a parka in an Alaskan winter. Your mother and I, we never knew what was going on in that head of yours.”

  Julian kept all emotion out of his voice, acting as if nothing affected him as usual. “I saw how much Cooper depended on other people. I didn’t want that.”

  “Oh, we know. You didn’t depend on anyone other than yourself. Even as a kid. When you left to stay with my brother after the accident, your mother was sure you’d never come home. It nearly killed her losing both sons, but we knew you needed to figure out how to be in a world where your twin no longer existed. I don’t think any of us can truly understand what that feels like. You were a part of each other.”

  Julian scoffed. “Cooper was not a part of me. He was selfish and reckless. He hurt people, Dad, people I care about.”

  If any of that surprised his dad, he didn’t show it. “One day, you’re going to have to forgive yourself for not being able to save him, kid.” He shook his head. “Cameron and Avery would be just as gone as Cooper if it weren’t for you.”

  Julian could recognize the truth in those words, but he couldn’t feel it. He pushed out a shaky breath. “Can we … uh … go back to playing?” The only thing that ever took his mind from his pain was the music.

  His dad smiled and moved back to the chair, pulling his guitar across his lap. He strummed out a few chords. “Do you know why I always looked forward to our jam sessions?”

  Julian grimaced. “Don’t call them jam sessions, Dad.”

  His dad laughed. “Guitar was one of the few things you’d let me help you with. Teaching you how to play was like being let into your life just a little.”

  Julian never expected to feel guilt for his independence. He’d closed himself off from his family long before Cooper died, never knowing how much hurt it would cause his parents.

  His only response to his dad was to start playing a familiar Skynyrd song his dad taught him years ago.

  He didn’t know how long the two of them had been playing when he lifted his eyes to catch Peyton in the doorway watching them. A smile slid across her face as she met his gaze.

  Their mom walked up behind her, sliding her arms around Peyton from behind and resting her chin on Pey’s shoulder as she watched Julian and his dad.

  The song ended, and the four of them were silent for a few moments. Julian couldn’t remember the last time they were all together that didn’t revolve around mealtime or working at the diner.

  It was late on a Friday night. The night manager was in charge of the late shift at The Main. Peyton was home instead of out with Cameron. For once, no one had anywhere else to be.

  When he held his guitar, Julian could forget about the awkwardness. He didn’t think about how another year of skipping school might lead to another failure. Even thoughts of Addison faded to the background.

  His mom sniffled. “You boys.” She released Peyton and wiped her face.

  It was then Julian realized both women had heard their conversation about Cooper. Peyton leaned against the doorway while their mom walked in and sat beside Julian on the bed. She lifted his guitar away from him, pulling the strap off over his head, and set it aside.

  “Julian, the day I met you and Cooper, I knew you were meant to be my sons.” They’d been five years old when Sofia Callahan and four-year-old Peyton entered their lives. Julian’s birth mom was long gone, and it took him a while to warm up to his stepmom. She smiled. “Cooper accepted me right away, but you were wary. You didn’t trust easily even at that age.” She looked to Peyton. “The only person you didn’t keep at arm’s length was Peyton.”

  Julian’s connection with his new sister had been instant. He shot Peyton a grin. She shook her head with a smile of her own.

  His mom gripped his hand. “Your dad says you didn’t need us as much as Cooper, but I always knew that wasn’t true. You just didn’t let yourself admit how much you needed. You let him stand in the spotlight, leaving very little for yourself. We didn’t see it, though. Not until the accident when we lost you both. I know coming home hasn’t been easy for you. This town can be difficult at times. But we wouldn’t change having you with us for anything.”

  She wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “You are not your brother. You’re Julian Callahan, and we love you for you not because you remind us of Cooper.”

  Peyton walked forward and sat on his other side, winding her arms around him.

  “Family hug?” Their dad released a booming laugh. “We haven’t had one of these since the kids were too young to be embarrassed by their parents.” He wrapped long arms around the three of them, squeezing them together.

  “Hate to break it to you, Dad,” Peyton said. “But we’ve never been too young to be embarrassed by you.”

  Julian laughed, the tension in his chest easing. He hadn’t realized how much he needed to hear that his family loved him, that they didn’t see Cooper when they looked at him.

  “Can’t. Breathe,” Julian wheezed.

  They all released him.

  A smile sat on his lips, and his dad fist pumped the air. “See? The Callahans must be full of magic if we can make even Julian smile.” He p
ut his hands on his hips and puffed his chest out. “Just paint a C on my chest and let me fly.”

  Peyton covered her eyes with a groan. “Dad, remember that talk about how you’re embarrassing? Case and point.”

  “Then my job here is done.” He lifted his guitar and walked toward the door, pausing as he reached it. “Love you, kids.”

  Their mom followed him out, leaving Julian alone with Peyton.

  She eyed him for a moment before launching herself across his bed toward where his Kindle sat on his nightstand.

  “No, you don’t.” Julian lunged for her, tackling her before she could reach it.

  “Come on! I just want to see how far you are! You cannot read Outlander and then not let your sister talk to you about it.”

  He shoved his Kindle under his pillow and released Peyton. “No way. All you’ll want to talk about is Jamie and his—and I quote—‘hot knees.’ What are hot knees anyway? That’s so ridiculous.”

  Peyton smirked. “Have you been looking up Jamie Fraser knee porn?” A laugh rolled through her. “You have!”

  He sighed. “I saw someone post about his knees on Facebook and was curious how someone could find knees hot.”

  She laughed again. “It’s a kilt thing. Jamie has plenty of other sexy parts.”

  Julian stuck his fingers in his ears. “Ew gross! Do you want me talking to you about Claire or Brianna that way?”

  Peyton shrugged. “They’re both very beautiful.”

  Julian grabbed a pillow and launched it at his sister. “We are not talking about this.”

  She dodged another pillow attack. “Okay, I’ll save my badgering for the next romance book you read.” She launched herself from the bed as he threw a third pillow and hit the floor with a thud. Sticking her hand into the air, she laughed. “And she’s okay, folks.”

  She was ridiculous, but she succeeded in making him feel lighter than he had in a while. Between Addison spending time with Becks and the heavy conversation with his parents, Julian needed Peyton’s brand of crazy.