The C Word: Redefining Me (Book 3)

by MacQueen, Michelle

  Addison jerked her hand out of Meghan’s. “Meg, don’t talk about Peyton like that.”

  Meghan raised an eyebrow in surprise. “Why not? She’s the reason everyone in this school is so humiliated today. If she’d just do us all a favor and slit those chubby—”

  Before she could finish spouting her horrid words, a crack rang through the lunchroom as Addison’s fist slammed into Meghan’s face. There was nothing dainty about the hit. It wasn’t a girlish slap, but a full-on black-eye-inducing punch instead.

  Julian swore his jaw fell all the way to the floor.

  Addison stared down at her still-closed fist as if she didn’t recognize it. Meghan blubbered about something Julian didn’t hear. He scanned the room, watching for any teachers coming their way. “Time to go, Addie.” When she stood, he grabbed her bag and hurried her into the empty hall.

  Her breath wheezed in her chest as her wild eyes darted around the empty space. She started pacing. “I’m so dead,” she muttered. “Dead. Dead. Dead. They’re going to find my body buried in Meghan’s garden after she dies of old age, and no one will know I at least died for a good cause.”

  Julian gripped her shoulders, forcing her to stop moving. “You read too many books, Ads.”

  The mention of books made them both look away, and Julian’s hands dropped. He rubbed the back of his neck. “I guess we need to talk.”

  She nodded. “Not here.” Turning on her heel, she marched down the hall.

  Julian followed her into a small janitor’s closet where they wouldn’t be interrupted. Many of their classmates used this very closet for activities way more fun than talking about how two people who could barely be around each other were somehow anonymous online friends—or not so anonymous anymore.

  “This is messed up.” Julian leaned his head back against a metal shelving unit that held various cleaning chemicals.

  “Why is it messed up?” Addie pulled the string attached to a single bulb overhead, and the dim yellow light illuminated her wry smile. “Because you sent me schmexy scenes in a romance book the loner of Twin Rivers is writing? Or is it because I know you read Little Women and cried?”

  “Schmexy?” One side of his mouth curved up.

  She laughed. “Of course, that’s the part you’d hear.”

  “You punched Meghan.”

  She covered her face with her hands. “I’m so suspended.”

  “You punched her for my sister.”

  Addison only nodded at that.

  Julian blew out a breath. “Thank you.” He paused. “Now…the elephant in the room.”

  “Are you calling me fat?”

  He chuckled, his next words escaping before he could stop them. “No, you’re perfect.”

  Addison froze. “I’m not perfect, Julian. That’s a ridiculously high standard to hold someone to.” She bit her bottom lip, considering him. “Do you know why I liked Cooper back before everything happened?”

  He shook his head, hating how the conversation always turned back to Coop.

  “He didn’t expect anything from me. Most of the time, he thought I was just a silly girl. But you… With you, I’ve always felt this pressure to live up to the image you have of me in your mind. It’s exhausting, Julian. I knew you liked me. Even back then, I knew. But I couldn’t handle it. The intensity… You’re too much.” A tear fell from her eye. “No one should like me that much.”

  “Addie…” He pushed away from the shelf and approached her.

  She took a step back. “No, please. Julian, BookBoy was my escape. He wasn’t supposed to know this Addison with all the problems and scars. It was easy, fun. But you…you are not easy. I can’t be who you want me to be. The first time I realized I was talking to you online, I almost stopped, but I couldn’t give up the person who’d become my best friend. I tried to pretend it wasn’t you who wrote such beautiful words and made me feel so much with his book. But it was you. I couldn’t change that.”

  Julian’s breath caught in his throat, and he couldn’t force it out. Addison’s words made no sense. “You knew?” He stumbled away from her.

  Before, when he felt betrayed, it hadn’t been justified. Now? Now, he couldn’t even look at Addison’s face. He turned away, unable to gaze at the eyes he’d once stared at as if they held all the magic in the world.

  Addison Parker was his favorite person even after she changed, even after she became this vapid version of herself. His feelings remained the same after Coop died and their lives tumbled down different paths.

  Yet, two words changed everything. She knew. She lied to him for months, convincing him to share his biggest secret with her—his book—the one thing in his life that made sense to him.

  “Julian.” She reached for him, but he pushed open the door. “Please.”

  Whipping back around to face her one final time, he met her teary gaze. “You don’t get to plead with me, Addison. For years, I have been here waiting for you to see me. I’m done. I get it now—what you’ve been trying to tell me for so long. This—us—will never be anything. I won’t bother you again.”

  He turned without another word, ignoring her muffled sobs, as he left her standing in the empty hallway. A teacher walked past him, going directly for Addison.

  “Ms. Parker,” the teacher said.

  Addison sighed. “I know. Principal’s office. There’s no fighting at school. Yada yada. It’s not like there’s anything to fight for anymore.”

  Julian forced himself to keep going, Addison’s words burning into his mind. “It’s not like there’s anything to fight for anymore.”

  She was right. Maybe there’d never been anything worth fighting for in the first place. There was one thing he knew. He may have written his book based on Addison, but Addison Parker was not Adele, and he was not Jackson. If they were, they’d still have a chance to be something more.

  17

  Addison

  Suspended for two days. For fighting. That was going to look fantastic on Addison’s permanent record. The snooty sororities her mother was always so worried about probably wouldn’t take a second glance at her now. But Addie would do it again in a heartbeat. Meghan’s venomous words had gone too far. It was about time someone put her in her place. And Addison was thrilled to be the one to do it.

  She should have stuck up for Peyton a long time ago. Meghan wanted to blame her for all the trouble with the app, but Meghan didn’t have a clue how hard Peyton worked to keep No BS a safe place for everyone.

  For the first time in her life, Addison Parker was alone. No friends. No boyfriends. Even BookBoy—Julian—wasn’t talking to her anymore.

  Addison couldn’t take sitting in the silent house. She drove around town for most of the morning running errands for her mom just to have something to do. She passed The Main several times, wanting to go in but afraid she would run into Julian. She couldn’t get the look on his face out of her mind. Once he realized she knew it was him before the hack, she knew she’d lost him for good.

  “It’s for the best,” she said, staring at the empty park near Defiance Falls. She’d sat in her car for nearly an hour now, trying to work up the nerve to get out. This place brought it all back—the night that changed everything.

  A tear splashed on her hand. She hadn’t even realized she’d been crying. “Damn it, Coop.” Addison slammed her fists against the steering wheel. “You ruined everything!” And then he died. Never taking responsibility for the shitstorm of hurt and ruined lives he’d left in his wake.

  Addie sniffed back her tears and stepped out of the car. The fresh mowed grass crunched under her feet and the sunshine flooded her face. It was one of the first warm days they’d had this year. A beautiful, clear blue sky stretched into the distance, and the roar of the falls drowned out the sounds from Main Street.

  Addison walked toward the edge of the river, surprised not to see anyone running or walking along the trails. It was a quiet, perfectly peaceful day, but Addison’s emotions raged inside of her
like a tempest.

  Her house was just down the road from here. She could see the falls from her bedroom window. Cooper had left her there that night. After he’d raped her, he left, and within minutes, he hit the patch of ice that sent them over the Defiance Bridge and into the icy waters that night. She felt bad that Avery and Cam had to experience such a horrific accident. And Julian. He’d tried to save his twin, but Cooper was trapped in the car and went over the falls. They’d pulled the car from the rough waters at the base of the falls that night and retrieved his body from the wreckage. The whole town mourned the loss of their golden boy. The beautiful boy who could light up a room. But they didn’t know he was a monster.

  Everyone knew Addie was in love with Coop, so she’d had to listen to the condolences for months after the accident.

  “You got off easy, Cooper.” She sat beside the river with her back to the trails, watching the turgid waters rush by, the occasional spray of the falls reaching her. Tears filled her eyes again. “You should have faced what you did to me. The whole town should have known you were nothing more than a rapist. I mean, God, Coop, how many girls were there? How many did you laugh at when they said no?”

  Rage blossomed inside her chest; like now that she’d opened Pandora’s box of memories, it all had to come out. “Not many, right? No one says no to Cooper Callahan.” Addison gave a mirthless laugh. “But I did.” She jabbed her finger into her chest. “I said no, Coop! I begged you to stop, but you just laughed at me and pinned me down. I was so drunk.” She shook her head, trying to stop the flood of memories. “And you took advantage of that.” Addie slammed her fists into the ground beside her, working her fingers into the rich, dark soil.

  “Maybe it was a good thing I was too drunk to remember much, but I will never forget your glazed eyes as you pulled at my skirt. Then you just left me there, and I wanted to kill you with my bare hands.” She curled her fingers, clawing at the ground. “And then you died.” A laugh burst from her lips. “And I felt bad! You son of a bitch! You got what you deserved, and I felt bad because I wanted you dead not an hour before you went over those falls. I wanted you dead so bad,” she growled, her voice like gravel in her throat. “At first, I thought I was to blame. Can you believe that?” Another fit of hysterical laughter flew from her lips.

  “And your face!” She threw her head back to scream at the sky. “Your stupid face and that monstrous laughter haunts my dreams, and I can’t move on! I’m stuck, Coop. I never got to confront you. You died, and I had to sweep the whole thing under the rug and let this town mourn you. You were gone, like that.” She snapped her fingers. “And for two years I’ve been dying inside, a little more each day.”

  “And what do I do? I go and fall in love with your brother. The one who wears your face. The one who stole my heart with his beautiful words. He was always the better man. And I think you knew it, didn’t you, Coop? That was why you always put him down. You pushed him out of our circle, telling us he was just a loner, and we let you do it. You didn’t deserve a brother like Julian.”

  “I don’t deserve him either.” Addison hung her head. A trickle of sweat slid down her back, and her shoulders shook with sobs.

  It felt good to shout at him. To get it off her chest. Like maybe if she left it all here next to his watery grave, she could finally leave Cooper behind.

  “Peyton, what are we even doing right now?” Nari’s voice drifted through the trees, bringing Addison back to the present. She quickly wiped her eyes, taking big gulps of air into her lungs, shoving all thoughts of Cooper from her mind once and for all.

  “We’re blowing off steam, Nari. Keep up.” Peyton came charging up the incline toward Addison, but she hadn’t seen her yet. Peyton was pissed.

  Peyton turned around, jogging in place until Nari could catch up. “Someone hacked my app, Nari, and I can’t do anything about it while Katie and her mom try to get us offline. So, we’re running. We’re running so I don’t do very bad things to whoever did this.”

  “Pey—ton.” Nari gasped for breath. “You’re doing very bad things to me.” She leaned over, huffing and puffing. “I’m a skinny toothpick for a reason. And that reason is I don’t exercise, and I don’t have muscles.” She collapsed on the side of the path, lying back in the grass. “Oh, see, now this is a lot better.”

  “Addison?” Peyton spotted her sitting by the river.

  “Oh, Addie!” Nari sat up. “I love Addie. Let’s go sit with Addie.” Nari stood up with a groan and dragged Peyton away from the jogging path.

  “Have you been crying?” Peyton frowned, sitting beside her. “What did my brother do? He said something stupid, didn’t he?”

  “Oh, you know, I’m just sitting here having a minor meltdown.” Addison couldn’t seem to stop the tears from flowing.

  “Seriously, what did Julian do? He has a habit of saying stupid things.”

  “Peyton.” Addie sighed. “No matter how much I like Julian, it’s just never going to work. I will always see Cooper when I look at him.”

  “Oh, Addie,” Nari said. “It’s been two years. We know you loved Coop, but he would want you to move on.”

  An inappropriate fit of giggles hit Addison just then.

  “Not the right thing to say, Nar,” Peyton said.

  “No, it’s okay. I’ve been out here exorcising my demons, screaming at Cooper.” Addie wiped the tears from her face with the heel of her palm.

  “I missed something, didn’t I?” Nari said, looking from Peyton to Addison.

  “So…that night, before the accident. Cooper raped me,” Addison said, her tone flat and lifeless. “It’s why Julian and Coop were fighting. Julian found us right after.”

  “Oh, Addie,” Nari reached for her hand. “I’m so sorry. I had no idea. Oh my God, I…I’m just sorry.”

  Addie stared across the rushing river, ignoring the silent conversation and headshaking happening between Peyton and Nari. They didn’t know what to say or do. She couldn’t blame them. There was nothing they could do.

  “It’s okay, girls. Well, it’s not, but it was a long time ago. I pushed you both away because I couldn’t face telling anyone what happened. Especially you guys. But it’s time I move on. It’s time I leave Cooper in his grave and get back to being me. I’m just so sorry I turned my back on my two best friends. Please forgive me?”

  “Oh, Addie, there’s nothing to forgive. You were hurting and you needed to take care of yourself the best way you knew how.” Peyton wrapped her arms around her. “Besides, you already made it up to me when you punched Meghan in the face. Cam got it on video so I can watch it whenever I want. You’re my hero, Addison Parker.”

  “I love you guys.” She wrapped her arm around Nari, a feeling of peace settling over her at last.

  “You have one thing wrong, Addie,” Peyton said, leaning back to meet her gaze. “Julian couldn’t be like Cooper if he tried. Sure, they looked a lot alike, but you only have to listen to Julian’s voice and the kind words he says to know he is not Cooper. Next time you feel overwhelmed around him, just close your eyes and listen to him, and you’ll know you’re safe with Julian.”

  “I know, you’re right, but I don’t think Julian wants anything to do with me anymore.”

  “You two have had more than your fair share of heartbreak, but dear Lord, for two people who’ve been talking online for months, you have got to learn to communicate better.”

  “Wait, what else did I miss?” Nari glanced back and forth between Peyton and Addison. “It’s Avery, isn’t it? He has me so distracted I’m not seeing anything happening around me. Avery ate my brain. I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to catch me up to speed. You and Julian have been chatting online for months? How did I miss this?”

  “We didn’t know we were talking to each other. At least not at first. I kind of figured it out recently, but I wasn’t sure. And then the hack happened, and it’s all just a mess now.”

  “Well, we’re just going to have to fix this,
then,” Nari said. “We are not missing out on spending the last few months of our senior year all back together again.”

  “She’s right, Addie. You have to talk to Julian before this spins out of control.” Peyton looked down at her phone in her lap. “Oh, we have to go now!” She hopped up. “Katie’s mom finally has us offline, and she knows who hacked No BS. If I’m pressing charges, I have to go make a statement now so the police can build a case against the asshole that did this.”

  18

  Julian

  The blinking cursor was going to be the death of Julian. A blank white page taunted him from his laptop screen.

  Who needed an ending anyway?

  Right…every person to ever read a book.

  He sat back in his desk chair, running a hand through his unruly hair. How was he supposed to give Adele and Jackson their happy ending when he wasn’t so sure he believed in them?

  Cynical? Yes. Julian never tried to hide his cynical nature. Sometimes, it made him an ass. Times like this, it made him a writer who managed to fly through seventy thousand words only to hit a wall on the final five thousand. Well, he’d tried. That’s what he could tell people.

  How many others said they wanted to write a book in their lives and never came close? It was freaking hard, and Julian reached the home stretch. So what if he never finished? No one would read it, anyway. Not even LitGirl.

  Julian clicked out of the Word doc and pulled up No BS. An error message popped up on his screen.

  He smiled despite his need to scroll through the messages he’d received on the app, needing LitGirl’s—Addison’s—words to inspire him. But he was happy his sister managed to get the app down. She’d have a lot of damage control to do over the next weeks if she wanted to save No BS.