The C Word: Redefining Me (Book 3)

by MacQueen, Michelle

  But that wasn’t his current problem. He had two characters who’d been through hell and back and deserved some kind of resolution.

  Unable to stand staring at his computer any longer, Julian stood and paced across his room. The nervous energy burned a savage path inside him.

  He sat on the edge of his bed only to shoot to his feet once more, unable to still his mind or body. An ending. How was he supposed to write an ending to a story that finished so poorly? He could have lied to himself and said this story wasn’t about Addison, that she didn’t inspire every word he’d written.

  But that was over now. He’d never really had any hope with her, but he’d been okay with that. He’d understood it.

  And then, he did have hope. She gave him a look behind the perfect makeup and styled hair. She let him see her, the real person she’d hidden since the accident. When she let her guard down, she was more beautiful than anyone.

  Swiping his phone from his desk, he tapped it against his leg, imagining he could hear No BS’s distinctive alert. He needed his friend. It made so much sense now—her true identity. Without the accident between them—without Cooper—Addison Parker and Julian Callahan could talk for hours. That was the amazing thing.

  But she’d known it was him. How long? How long had she lied to him?

  A soft knock on his door had him whirling around. “Yeah?”

  “It’s me.” Peyton opened the door, sticking her head in. “Can I come in?”

  Julian shrugged and threw himself on the bed. “Sure.”

  Peyton dug her hands into the pockets of her jeans and rocked back on her heels before nudging the door shut with her shoulder.

  “You okay?” Julian sat up, studying his sister’s tense expression. Everything she’d built was falling down around her, but she was the strongest person Julian knew. She’d get through it.

  Peyton sighed. “I don’t want to talk about No BS.” She dropped onto the bed next to him. “There’s…” She blew out a breath.

  Julian’s brow creased in worry. His sister wasn’t one to hold back her words. “What’s wrong.”

  “Jules…did you tell me everything that happened at the party before the accident.”

  “Yes.” The answer was immediate, because he had. He didn’t want Peyton’s mind plagued by those thoughts of Coop like his were, but she’d deserved to know. That wasn’t the real reason he’d told her though. Addison needed someone like Peyton in her corner.

  Peyton kicked her shoes off and pulled her legs up onto the bed as she turned to face him. “When you told me Cooper assaulted Addison, I thought you were able to stop it in time, but Jules…” She closed her eyes, not opening them until her next words struck Julian right in the chest. “Did Cooper rape Addison?”

  Julian’s heart kicked up a notch. Why would she think it got that far? Julian liked to believe Cooper would have stopped before it did, but he’d started to think he hadn’t known his twin, that he’d been blind to his darker side.

  Peyton’s eyes glassed over, and Julian couldn’t take the brokenness on her face. “No. It didn’t go that far by the time I found them.”

  Peyton’s shoulders shook as a sob escaped her throat. “Then why would she…”

  “Why would she what?”

  Lifting teary eyes to meet his gaze, Peyton pushed her hair back behind her ears. “Julian, Addison thinks she was raped.”

  The next few moments were like a crash in a rainstorm. On a sunny day, the cars ahead would have been visible. But with sheets of water pounding the windshield and thunder drowning out all sound, everyone was blind. No one could see what was coming down the road.

  The last two years had been Julian’s storm. He hadn’t seen Addison parked ahead of him or thought she’d be just as blinded.

  “I need to find her,” he whispered.

  Peyton nodded, tears still dripping down her face. Julian leaned forward to wipe the moisture from her face. “Pey…I love you. You know that, right?”

  She nodded. “But it isn’t like you to say it.”

  “It’s just…the last couple years have been hard. Before the accident, I don’t think the three of us Callahan kids ever told each other how we felt. We may not be blood siblings, but you’re my sister. You always have been. Whatever Cooper did, it doesn’t change who you and I are. You get that, right?”

  She wiped at her face. “He was our brother, Jules. And I still miss him despite everything. Why do I still miss him? He did something awful, and I can’t stop wishing he were here.”

  “I wish I could explain any of this. I wish I knew why Coop did what he did. Sure, he was drunk, but anyone can still choose not to be a dick when they’re drunk. Assaulting someone is a choice, not something you do because you lose control. That’s what I can’t wrap my head around, Pey. The brother we knew and loved chose to hurt our friend and I can’t help but hate him for that.”

  Peyton sniffled. “Addison needs you, Julian. I don’t quite understand it—or maybe I do. She needs you like I need Cam. And I think you need her too.”

  Julian shook his head. “I don’t think Addison and I are written in the stars, Pey. I’m going to be here for whatever she needs, but right now, that’s probably just a friend who understands.”

  Peyton stood and reached a hand down to him. “Come on then. There’s a girl waiting.”

  * * *

  How did you tell a girl the worst night of her life didn’t happen? Well, at least it didn’t happen like she thought. Julian thought back over the words he’d said to Addison. He’d never told her exactly what Cooper did to her. She must have woken up the next morning with only memories of a struggle.

  He walked up the long stone walkway to Addison’s beautiful house. If he turned around, he’d see the two rivers and the bridge where his life changed forever. How did Addison wake up every morning with that view and make it to school without breaking down?

  Checking the time on his phone, he cursed himself for showing up at dinnertime. Addison would probably be busy, if she was home at all. Who was he kidding? She was Addison Parker. There was no way she was just sitting at home.

  He should have called.

  Sliding his phone back into his pocket, he turned, ready to leave and come again when Addison said it was okay. They weren’t even speaking. She wouldn’t want him there.

  He paused at his car, unable to make himself get in and drive away. Addie needed him. He pulled out his phone again, preparing to text her when the front door opened and Mrs. Parker walked toward him.

  “Julian Callahan.” Confusion flashed across her face. “It’s been a long time since we’ve seen you here.” Relief quickly replaced the confusion. “Are you here for Addison? Maybe you can tell me why she has spent the past two hours in that dangerous treehouse, refusing to come down.”

  Julian let his eyes drift out over the yard to the treehouse they’d all played in as kids. Now, it looked as if it would fall out of the tree at any moment. There was no way Julian would tell Addison’s mom anything. “I’m sorry, ma’am. I need to see her.”

  He walked away without another word, crossing the expansive lawn. Large oaks lined the perimeter. As kids, Cam, Avery, Julian, and Cooper spent their time climbing these same trees while Addison, Nari, and Peyton played in the treehouse.

  Those had been good years.

  Now, Julian looked up at the treehouse, taking in the broken ladder—broken by Cam and Peyton the night of the accident. So many memories existed in this place.

  “What are you doing here?” Addison’s face appeared at a small window. The look she gave him was more resigned than unfriendly.

  “Remembering.”

  That had her mouth twitching into a small smile. “Yeah, me too.”

  “Can I come up?”

  Her smile dropped. “Um…sure.”

  Julian climbed the ladder, avoiding the broken rung, and pulled himself through the hole in the floor of the treehouse. No one ever claimed entering it was graceful. It re
quired a person to basically sprawl across the floor before sliding into a sitting position as they tried not to bump their heads on low beams.

  Yep, definitely made for small kids.

  Addison curled in on herself, pulling her knees into her chest as if to protect herself. From Julian?

  He rubbed the back of his neck, trying to find the words to say. “Addie…”

  “Julian, let me stop you. If you’re here to try to make things okay between us, that’s fine. We’re okay. A lot has happened, and I think it’s better if we just agree to be friends…but friends who don’t spend a lot of time together. It’s too hard to be around you.” She rested her chin on her knee and stared at the ground.

  The words sliced through Julian, but changing her mind wasn’t the reason he’d come. As much as it hurt to let her go, he would. He just wanted her to be happy.

  “Ads, I need to tell you something…about the night of the accident.”

  She sighed. “I have spent too long talking about that, too long stuck in this same cycle of hating myself and hating Cooper. I don’t want to keep putting myself through this. I—”

  “He didn’t rape you,” Julian cut her off.

  Addison’s mouth snapped shut. Her nostrils flared. “Julian, are you defending your brother? To me? Is this some sort of revenge because I don’t want to be with you?”

  Hearing what she truly thought of him felt like a knife flaying all emotion from him. “You think I’d defend him?” His voice rose. “When have I ever chosen Cooper over you? He was my brother, Addie. My freaking twin. But you… He was awful to you. He assaulted you and tried to do more. You told me yourself you don’t remember much.”

  “I remember fighting him and being unable to get him off.”

  “I stopped him.” He had to keep himself from yelling. She didn’t deserve the anger he felt for Cooper. “I pulled my own brother off you and tried to beat the hell out of him. And then he left and got himself killed.”

  Addison’s entire body deflated. “I… He didn’t rape me?”

  Anger was like a spool of thread. As it unwound, Julian tried to grab the end, tried to hold on, but it slipped out of reach, leaving only emptiness behind. “No, Ads.”

  She ran a shaky hand through her hair. “But…but…” Shaking her head, she released a breath. “No, I won’t cry this time. I have spent so much time crying. I need to be stronger than that.”

  Julian met her gaze. “Crying doesn’t make you any less strong.”

  “But letting one night control my life for two years does.” Her entire body shook. “Julian, I felt like it was my fault. Like he’d violated me because I was too drunk, too friendly, too in love with him.”

  “No.” Julian got to his knees and scooted forward. “Addie, no. Coop may not have raped you, but he still assaulted you, and not a single second of it was your fault. Every bit of blame lies with him. He made a choice that night, and he took away yours. I don’t care if you stripped naked and laid on the bed in front of him. He wouldn’t have had the right to touch you, not if you didn’t want him to.”

  A single tear trickled down her cheek. “I didn’t want to cry, Julian. Stop. I don’t want to feel this. Can’t we all just move on?”

  He folded her into his arms and she sank against him. “We’re all trying, Addie. But you need to feel it. You need to feel everything. That’s who you are. It’s why I lo-liked you so much. The Addison Parker that existed before that night felt every emotion openly. I envied that in you. But that girl disappeared after the accident.”

  “How would you know? You left for eighteen months.” His shirt muffled her words.

  “Because the boy I was disappeared as well. When I came back, I didn’t recognize you, but I didn’t recognize me either. And then I met a girl.”

  “A girl, huh?”

  He nodded. “This girl encouraged me to keep writing my book. And day by day, she found me—or at least, she allowed me to find myself.”

  She pulled back. “Sounds like some girl.”

  “She is.”

  “Tell me, Mr. Writer, will this girl ever get an ending to the story?”

  “I’m not sure I have an ending in me.”

  “You do. You just need to have more faith in yourself.” She slid on her butt to the opening and dropped onto the ladder. “Julian?”

  He followed her until they were both standing in the grass below. “Yeah?”

  “Thank you. For coming to tell me. I’m not sure you even understand what this feels like for me. It’s like the worst night of my life has lost some of its power. Maybe I can finally put it behind me. Well…eventually.” She gave him one final smile before walking toward her house.

  Julian lifted his eyes to the setting sun, knowing he did the right thing.

  He got into his car and drove the short distance to the river. It would be getting dark soon, but he needed the inspiration for his final scene.

  Taking his laptop from the back seat of his car, he walked down the grassy incline to where a railing separated Defiance Falls from the public. He sat on the wooden bench, his fingers skimming over the names people carved into it over the years.

  How many stories took place right here? How many memories?

  The blinking cursor no longer looked like a taunt. Instead, it signaled hope of the finish he now knew was close.

  Adele and Jackson would have their resolution.

  Adele leaned over the rail, looking into the dark waters crashing below. The falls always held a resemblance to her tumbling emotions. She hadn’t seen Jackson in a week, not since their last argument. The glimpse of life without him was darker than she’d imagined.

  Footsteps sounded on the pathway behind her, and she turned, her eyes going wide as she took in Jackson’s disheveled appearance.

  “Thought I’d find you here.” Jackson’s voice had a gravelly edge Adele had loved about it.

  She shrugged. “If you’re here to try to make things okay between us, that’s fine. We’re okay. A lot has happened, and I think it’s better if we just agree to be friends.”

  “I don’t want to be your friend.”

  Adele’s shoulders deflated. “Then what do you want?”

  “To tell you I love you.”

  She opened her mouth to respond before shutting it again.

  Jackson closed the distance between them, stopping when he was about a foot away. “Adele.” He pressed his forehead against hers. “I’m sorry. I was losing myself so completely it scared me. But I realized something.”

  “What was that?” she whispered.

  His gaze burned into hers. “Getting lost in you, in us, is the best thing that ever happened to me.”

  “I’m a mess.”

  He nodded. “I love you.”

  “I’ve done some terrible things.”

  “I love you.”

  “I’m not the perfect girl you see.”

  “I never said you were perfect, Adele. Only perfect for me. I love you.” He leaned down, pressing his lips to hers. “I love you.” This time, his kiss held more force. When he pulled back again, he cupped her jaw with both hands. “I’m going to love you for as long as you’ll let me.”

  “Forever,” she whispered. “You can love me forever.” She didn’t tell him how she felt, because he already knew. Some things didn’t need words.

  Julian leaned back against the bench, lifting his eyes to the darkened sky. He’d done it. Adele and Jackson got their happily ever after.

  Without a second thought, he sent the final chapter to Addison, this time knowing she was at the other end of the email, that the girl he’d loved for years would read his words. And more than anything, he wanted that.

  He had one last chance to show Addison just how much he cared. She had yet to figure out the truth about his book and his inspiration, but she was a smart girl. Hitting send was both the easiest and hardest thing he’d done in a long time.

  Yet, it felt damn good.

  19


  Addison

  “Stop staring,” Addison snapped at a trio of juniors glaring daggers at Peyton. The hack wasn’t her fault, but everyone seemed to blame Peyton for airing their dirty laundry.

  “It’s fine, Addie,” Peyton said. “They need someone to blame, and No BS is my responsibility.

  Addison linked her arm through Peyton’s as they walked to lunch together. “Well, I’m not letting you shoulder this alone. They’re building a case, right?” She lowered her voice.

  “Yeah. It’s supposed to be resolved today.” Peyton bit her lower lip. “Principal Stevens asked me to prepare a statement to the student body about the status of No BS.”

  “You’re bringing it back, right? Peyton, your app has helped more people than it’s hurt.”

  “I have some exciting news about that, but I’m not allowed to share it yet. You’ll just have to wait to find out about it with everyone else.”

  “Pey, that’s not fair.” Addison followed her to Peyton’s regular lunch table.

  “You’re sitting with us?” Peyton eyed her with a goofy smile. “Ms. Parker is gracing us with her presence?” She sat down next to Cam.

  “She’s not missing anything at that table she’s been sitting at for the last two years, let me tell you,” Nari said, sitting next to Avery.

  “Come on, Ads, have a seat.” Avery kicked a chair out for her. “It’s about time you moved your scrawny ass over here.”

  “Nari has a point.” Addison took the offered seat, thinking she should have come back here ages ago. “After cracking Meghan’s nose, I think I am persona non grata at the cool table.”

  “This is the cool table now,” Avery said.

  “Not hardly.” Nari laughed, shoving her glasses up on her nose.

  “So says the resident rock star.” Avery leaned in to kiss her cheek.

  “Peyton?” Cameron grabbed her hand. “What’s going on over there?” He nodded across the cafeteria where three policemen stood addressing Garrett.

  “It’s happening.” She gripped his hand, her knuckles turning white.