Ride On

by Stephen J. Martin

  ‘A wether.’

  ‘Whether what?’

  ‘Fuck sake. I’m going inside to get the fire going. You can do what you fucking like.’

  Aesop stood on his own for a minute looking at the bullock through the slight drizzle and then shouted in the door.

  ‘I think he needs another squeeze, the head on him.’

  *

  ‘But why?’ said Aesop. He was staring into the fire, his hands wrapped around a mug of tea and his face a picture of disbelief and pain.

  ‘You have to.’

  ‘But why?’

  ‘They’re no good to you otherwise. They’ll be worrying the heifers.’

  ‘But … you castrate them!’

  ‘Yeah. It’s what you have to do. Otherwise they’ll be no end of trouble.’

  ‘Jesus, what do you do to your kids when they get out of hand?’

  ‘Aesop …’

  ‘Would you not be better off letting them ride all the girl cows and then you’d have more baby cows? It’s simple maths, Norman.’

  ‘The calves would be shite at giving milk later.’

  ‘But you didn’t even give the poor bloke a chance. Maybe his kids would be brilliant at being milked.’

  ‘They wouldn’t. It’s a business they’re running, Aesop. They can’t afford to take any chances. You only let prize bulls near your cows. And anyway, that doesn’t even happen all that much any more. You get the AI man in.’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘You buy the semen of prize bulls and this bloke comes around and impregnates your cows for you.’

  ‘Ugh! What? How, for fuck sake? Or, hang on a minute, do I even want to know? Tell me he doesn’t …’

  ‘Fuck sake Aesop, he injects the stuff up the cow and she gets pregnant and then you’ve a good idea what to expect from her calves. That’s all there is to it.’

  ‘You sick bastards. Wait till I tell Jimmy about this.’

  ‘You’ve never heard of the AI man?’

  ‘Well we wouldn’t have had much use for the fucker in Drumcondra, Norman, would we? And c’mere to me, how in the name of fuck do you collect a bull’s baby batter anyway?’

  ‘There’s a couple of ways. You can use an artifical vagina. He starts to mount the heifer, but then you whip his cock into that instead and let him pump away.’

  Aesop put his mug down by the fire and stood up, pointing at Norman.

  ‘You’re fucking taking the piss out of me now.’

  ‘It’s true.’

  ‘Does he not fucking notice?’

  ‘He’s distracted.’

  ‘By what? You have Barry White on in the background, is it? And what about the poor girl cow? She’s getting herself all ready for the bull’s mickey, delighted with herself, and then you leave her hanging.’

  ‘It’s not a match-making service we’re providing Aesop. She’ll get over it.’

  ‘And have you ever done this?’

  ‘No. Sure we never had a prize bull. I’ve been there at the other end though. Helped out the AI man when he came to sort out the heifers. When I was a young fella. For a treat, like. If I’ve been doing a good job helping Mikey Pat out around the farm, he’d let me help the AI man.’

  ‘For a treat?’ Aesop sat down again and shook his head at the fire. ‘Fuck sake, we used to get Jaffa Cakes.’

  *

  Aesop was lying in bed that night. It was only about eleven o’clock and here he was; sober and alone in the bed with a quilt that must once have been about seven flocks of ducks. It was fucking huge and weighed a ton and it was pulled up to his nose. His eyes flicked around the room. It was freezing outside the bed but in here he felt like he was still on top of the fire out in the living room. But man, it was quiet. The wind had dropped off and only came now in bursts, flinging big drops on the windows when it did. Besides that there was nothing. Maybe the odd crack from the dying embers outside, but that was it. No piss-heads stumbling home, no cars beeping or sirens going. No girl in the bed with him, soft and purring and trying to get into his head. Now it was just blackness and total quiet.

  How the fuck was he meant to get any sleep?

  Chapter Ten

  Norman had to get some kind of physical exercise every day or else he’d be all cranky. Now that he wouldn’t be out gardening for the next couple of weeks, he went for a run first thing the next morning instead. He walked out to the road and started jogging up the hill slowly to get himself warm. It was freezing but the sky was clear, the sun low over the mountains to the south. Every kilometre or so he’d get down and do thirty quick press-ups before setting off again, leaving a black circle in the frost where his breath had huffed out of him in short blowing bursts. He ran the roads with a big smile despite his exertions. He’d spent his childhood summers around these fields and he knew every twist in the route and every tree he sped past. Every now and again a car would come towards him and he’d get a salute from the driver and give one back, the grin on him getting bigger for a minute. Sometimes he wondered what he was doing living in Dublin at all.

  Back at the house, he let himself in and looked around. There still wasn’t a peep out of Aesop, although Norman wasn’t really expecting much activity. It wasn’t even eight o’clock yet. He cleaned out the grate and set the fire going again, then he had a shower to get the sweat and soot off him. He ate a couple of apples and put the kettle on. There wasn’t much in the fridge, so he decided to go to the shops to stock up.

  He knocked on Aesop’s door. Nothing.

  ‘Aesop?’

  Nada.

  He opened the door and went in.

  ‘Aesop?’

  The big mound hidden under the quilt moved slightly.

  ‘Aesop?’

  ‘Ugh.’

  ‘Come on. The early bird catches the worm and all that.’

  ‘Me hole.’

  ‘Aesop …’

  ‘No one ever talks about the worm.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘The fuckin’ worm is up early, isn’t he? And look what happens to him.’

  ‘Will you ever get up, will you?’

  Aesop sat up.

  ‘Norman, is this the way it’s going to be, is it, ye bollocks? You coming in to torment me at the crack of dawn every day. Will you fuck off out of me room and come back when it’s around the time that normal people get up. This isn’t boot camp we’re in and you can kiss my arse if you think I’m keeping the same insane hours that you do. Go back to bed and I’ll see you later, okay?’

  ‘So you don’t want breakfast then?’

  There was a pause.

  ‘I didn’t say that.’

  ‘I’m going to the shops. What do you want?’

  ‘Sausages.’

  ‘Just sausages?’

  ‘And coffee. And will you get me smokes as well?’

  ‘Are you going to apologise for being rude to me?’

  ‘I am.’

  ‘Go on so.’

  ‘I want to see the sausages first.’

  ‘You’ll be getting no sausages until I hear you say sorry for being a rude fucker when I was only seeing what you wanted for breakfast.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘For what?’

  ‘Being a rude fucker.’

  ‘And what’ll happen the next time you do it?’

  ‘You’ll kick the shite out of me.’

  ‘Right. I’ll be back in fifteen minutes.’

  ‘Will you get rashers too? Do they have rashers in the country?’

  ‘Do they have rashers? Where do you think rashers come from?’

  ‘Ah. I know that one. Pigs. But I haven’t seen any pigs in the fields yet. I thought maybe the ones in Dublin come in from England or something.’

  ‘Pigs don’t live in fields, Aesop.’

  ‘Do they not?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Jaysis. I’m going to be an expert on the country soon, amn’t I?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘You’ll have to
start calling me … eh … what’s that word?’

  ‘Langer.’

  *

  There was a red Fiesta parked outside the house when Norman got back. He grabbed the bags of groceries and went in, pushing the open door with his foot. He could hear girls laughing inside.

  ‘Hello?’

  ‘Norman!’ said Aesop.

  He was next to the fire, dressed just in a t-shirt and his boxers. On the other armchair was a girl in her mid-twenties. It was Helen, Norman’s cousin. Sitting on the couch was her mate Jessica. They were all drinking tea.

  ‘Hiya Robert,’ said Helen. Everyone down here called him by his real name. She got up to give him a hug. ‘Great to see you.’

  ‘Heya Helen. How’s things?’

  ‘Grand. Mam sent me up on the way to work with some milk and eggs for you. Noreen was on to her last night. I didn’t know you were entertaining.’

  ‘Yeah. I see you’ve met Aesop.’

  ‘We have yeah. God, I was expecting you to open the door and then the next thing we get this famous rockstar instead. I nearly fell over when I saw who it was. Jessica screamed, didn’t you Jessie?’

  ‘The shock I got!’ said Jessica.

  ‘I got a bit of jolt meself,’ said Aesop, picking up his cup.

  ‘How are you Jessie?’ said Norman.

  ‘I’m grand. Now I am, anyway.’

  ‘So Aesop was telling me that you’re down for a couple of weeks,’ said Helen.

  ‘Yeah. Just taking a break.’

  ‘How come you two know each other?’

  ‘Ah, we were in school, like.’

  ‘Will you have a cup of tea Norman?’ said Aesop. ‘I’ll put the kettle on again.’

  ‘That’d be grand Aesop,’ said Norman, looking at the scene in front of him. ‘Do you want to put a pair of trousers on you too while you’re at it?’

  ‘No problem. I was in bed when the girls knocked.’

  ‘Well you’re up now. I’m sure they’d be just as happy for you to be decent.’

  ‘He’s grand,’ said Helen. ‘Sure won’t they all be jealous in school. And c’mere to me, tell us all about this Trish one. Aesop was saying you’ve got a thing going on.’

  ‘Ah Jesus, Aesop. Can you not keep your gob shut for five minutes?’

  ‘Leave him alone Robert and tell us all about her. Noreen didn’t mention it to Mam or I’d know already.’

  ‘Do you see this Aesop?’ said Norman. ‘Do you see what you’re after starting? Listen Helen, don’t be telling Bridie anything or else my Mam will get wind of it and then I won’t get a minute’s peace.’

  ‘I won’t say a word,’ said Helen, winking at Jessie. ‘Come on, tell me.’

  ‘Ah, I’ve only been seeing her for a few weeks. It’s nothing.’

  ‘He’s madly in love with this chick, girls, I’m telling you,’ said Aesop. ‘He spends half his time walking around the park at home, talking to the trees and laughing to himself.’

  ‘Aesop! Will you shut up? Jesus, what are you trying to do to me?’

  ‘Are you all right there Norman?’ said Aesop. ‘Are you standing too close to the fire or something? Your face is gone a bit red.’

  ‘Fucking hell, I don’t believe this,’ said Norman, rubbing his face. ‘You’re not even in the place a day and you’re hanging me in front of the family.’

  ‘She’s a cracking girl, Helen. A nurse. Big and tall and legs up to her ears. She’s from Kerry or somewhere like that. And I’ll tell you something, she’s mad about this fella. Never shuts up about him. Norman this and Norman that and listen till I tell you about Norman.’

  ‘Aesop, shut up!’ said Norman. He was blushing furiously now. ‘Don’t mind him. He’s talking shite. We’re only …’

  ‘I’d be surprised if you didn’t meet her while we’re down here to be honest.’

  ‘Really?’ said Helen, laughing.

  ‘Ah yeah. Sure they can’t keep their hands off each other! They’re like a couple of chimps, sitting there grooming and touching each other.’

  ‘Fuck sake, that’s enough!’ said Norman. He checked his watch. ‘What time is school?’

  Jessie looked at her phone.

  ‘Oh God. We’d better get moving, Helen, look at the time.’

  ‘Right, yeah. We better go. So are you going for a pint tonight lads?’

  ‘Well …’ said Norman.

  ‘Definitely,’ said Aesop. ‘See you there?’

  ‘We’ll be in Kavanaghs I’d say. Rob?’

  ‘What? Oh, eh … yeah, maybe. Kavanaghs? I s’pose so.’

  He was still all flustered and hot.

  ‘Don’t mind him girls. He’s only thinking of Trish now. He’ll have to go in for a cold shower or he’ll be chewing on the kitchen table for the rest of the day.’

  ‘Fuck sake, Aesop. What does it take for you to shut your hole? Go in there and put some pants on you for God sake and give your mouth a rest.’

  Aesop laughed and got up.

  ‘I’ll see you later, ladies. Thanks for the eggs and the milk.’

  ‘You’re very welcome,’ said Helen. ‘Hey, is Jimmy Collins coming down at all?’

  ‘Jimmy? He might show his face all right. He’s doing a bit of work up in Dublin, but he said he’ll try and get down for a few nights. Why’s that? Soft spot for Jimmy, is it?’

  Helen looked at Jessie. Now it was Jessie’s turn to go red.

  ‘Ah,’ said Aesop, with a wink. ‘I see. I’ll say nothing so. But I’ll make sure and let you know if he’s on his way, so you can say hello.’

  Helen laughed again.

  ‘We’ll have our prettiest frocks out and ready to go, so.’

  ‘God, I’m telling you, girls, you don’t have to go to any trouble. You’re a feast for the eyes on a cold dark morning like this, honestly. A lovely way to start the day so it is, chatting with the pair of you.’

  ‘Bloody hell Aesop,’ said Norman. ‘Sorry Helen, he’s always like this.’

  They both laughed and stood up to grab their coats.

  ‘Flattery will get you everywhere Aesop. Lovely meeting you.’

  ‘And you. Seeya in the pub later.’

  ‘Bye now.’

  They went off, leaving the two lads standing at the door.

  ‘Well, you’re some bollocks anyway,’ said Norman.

  ‘What did I do?’

  ‘Going on about Trish like that. Christ, everyone will know now.’

  ‘So what? And anyway, have they nothing else to be talking about?’

  ‘Everyone knows everyone’s business down here. Mam will know about it by lunchtime. And what are you shiteing on about, with your feast for the eyes.’

  ‘I was being serious. Two gorgeous young things like that. I haven’t seen a woman in two days, and then they arrive on the doorstep and invite me out for a drink. Lovely girls.’

  ‘Were they? Well, Helen is my cousin so don’t even think about it.’

  ‘Why not? Sure Marco is marrying my sister and you don’t hear me getting arsey with him.’

  ‘Yeah, well Helen isn’t Jennifer and I’m not you. Keep away from them, I’m telling you. We’re not down here so you can scandalise the place. Now get dressed, will you? I want to show you some things after breakfast.’

  ‘What things?’

  ‘A couple of moves that might help you if you’re stuck.’

  ‘Martial arts?!’

  ‘Just a couple of defensive moves.’

  ‘Deadly! Oh, can we do the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique? That’d be brilliant.’

  ‘Aesop, it’s just a couple of ways to get out of a corner. You already know the most important move, and I’ve seen you do it a couple of times.’

  ‘Run like a fucker?’

  ‘That’s the one. That’s Plan A.’

  *

  After breakfast Norman pushed the table and chairs out of the way and made some space in the kitchen.

  ‘Are you right?’


  Aesop was starting to look a bit nervous.

  ‘Eh, Norman … what are you going to do? Are you going to hurt me?’

  ‘Not if you get out of the way in time.’

  ‘Well, last time I looked, you were a trained killer and I was just a sexy rockstar.’

  ‘You’re a drummer, aren’t you? You should have good hand-eye co-ordination. Let’s see.’

  ‘Yeah. But the thing about the drums Norman, is that they don’t actually hit you back. They stay fairly still most of the time.’

  ‘Come on. Stand up here next to me.’

  ‘What’s with the rolling pin?’

  ‘Pretend it’s a knife. I’m going to come at you with it.’

  ‘You are in your fuck.’

  ‘I won’t hit you. Will you come on? This is to show you how to protect your head.’

  ‘From a rolling pin?’

  ‘Just pretend I’m holding a knife.’

  ‘How about you pretend you’re holding a rolling pin?’

  ‘For fuck … okay. There. It’s gone, right? Now will you stand up?’

  ‘I’m trusting you here Norman! Go easy.’

  ‘Right. Now. Most people will come at you like this and then … where are you going?’

  ‘I’m practising Plan A,’ said Aesop, one hand on the front door.

  ‘Come back you big girl. You already know how to run.’

  ‘Why don’t we pretend that I’m the attacker?’

  ‘Will you keep still if we do it that way? Come on so.’

  ‘Will I use the rolling pin?’

  ‘Doesn’t matter. I’d have your arm broken before you got near me with it.’

  ‘You’d have … I don’t want to play any more.’

  ‘Aesop, I won’t hurt you. Jesus, you think you’re going to get a chance to converse with this girl before she slices you?’

  ‘No! I’m expecting you to drop out of a tree and smack the tits off her before she gets near me!’

  ‘What is it with you and people dropping out of trees? Look, you have to be prepared for any eventuality Aesop. I’m not going to be there every second of the day, am I? Come back.’

  ‘Okay. Okay. But you better not hurt me. I need my arms to play the drums, right? Dónal’s not paying you to put me in fucking traction a month before we go on tour.’

  ‘Aesop, I won’t touch you, okay? I won’t even defend myself. I just want to show you how to get out of the way.’