Ride On

by Stephen J. Martin

  ‘Okay then. Right. Okay. Right. Are you ready?’

  They were standing opposite each other.

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘You don’t look ready.’

  ‘I’m ready.’

  ‘I’m going to stab you in the head.’

  ‘Off you go, so.’

  ‘Right? Knife here, in the right hand. I’m going for your left ear.’

  ‘I’m waiting.’

  ‘I don’t want to give you a clatter, Norman. By accident, like.’

  ‘You won’t.’

  ‘Will I do it slowly first?’

  ‘Will you just swing your hand Aesop? It doesn’t matter how you do it.’

  ‘Aren’t you very sure of yourself?’

  ‘Just come on.’

  ‘You’ve your hands in your pockets, sure.’

  ‘That’s for your safety.’

  ‘You really don’t think I can hit you?’

  ‘You want to make a bet now, is it?’

  ‘Are you serious? Are you saying that even if I went full tit at you, I’d completely miss?’

  ‘That’s what I’m saying. And at the rate you’re going, I’d have killed you five times at this stage if that’s what I was trying to do.’

  ‘A tenner says I connect.’

  ‘A tenner? How about the fire? If you touch me at all, I’ll clean the grate and set the fire every morning. If you miss, you do it. And in the morning, now, you hear me? Not bloody lunchtime or whenever you get around to it.’

  ‘All right. It’s a deal. Are you ready then, Sooty?’

  Aesop went into a small crouch, one fist up like he was about to strike a hammer. He made a couple of feints. Norman didn’t even flinch. Then Aesop let a roar out of him and jumped forward, the fist coming down in an arc towards Norman’s head. There was a flash of movement and by the time Aesop’s arm had come to a stop across his chest, Norman was getting to his feet right behind him and giving him a small poke into the back with his finger.

  ‘You’re dead.’

  Aesop turned around.

  ‘How the fuck did you get around there?’

  ‘Sure Christ, I could’ve knit a jumper in the time it took that knife to come down on me.’

  ‘But you were in the corner! There was no way past me!’

  ‘The big blousey swing of you! I was gone under your arm, sure.’

  ‘Show me how to do it!’

  ‘Sorry man. Takes a bit of practice to get that one down. Anyway, that’s not what I was going to show you. That was just for the bet.’

  ‘Best of three!’

  ‘No way! Sure you know what I did now. You can just keep your arm in.’

  ‘So you only have one move then?’

  ‘No Aesop. The bet was that you wouldn’t be able to touch me. If it was a real situation, there would’ve been … contact.’

  ‘What would’ve happened?’

  ‘I’d have pulled your arm out of its socket and hit you in the mouth with the wet end.’

  ‘Lovely. And are we going to be teaching me how to do that one?’

  ‘Aesop, if this girl ever catches up with you, there’s a good chance you’ll be crying like a little girl and begging forgiveness, yeah?’

  ‘Probably, yeah.’

  ‘So we should probably concentrate on getting you to the point where you can do a runner with your trousers full of shite and leave advanced man-to-man combat techniques for another time.’

  ‘Yeah. Yeah, that’s fair enough.’

  *

  Kavanaghs looked like a gingerbread cottage to Aesop by the time they rounded the last bend in the road and he could finally see it.

  ‘Oh thank fuck,’ he said, through gritted teeth.

  ‘Bit nippy all right,’ said Norman.

  ‘Nippy? There’s icicles hanging off me nose!’

  ‘Well we’re just there now. Sure it was only twenty minutes. I’m telling you, you want to go on a rekky in Pakistan in the middle of winter.’

  ‘Why would I fucking want to do that?’

  ‘Freeze the mickey off you, so it would.’

  ‘Oh hang on till I call me travel agent, so.’

  ‘Up there for six weeks I was once, chasing a bollocks that wasn’t even there.’

  ‘Jesus. And did you boil up snow and ice to make hot beefy Bovril?’

  ‘Far from Bovril we had. Sure, I saw one bloke piss on his flask once just to try and melt a drop out of it. Worked too.’

  Norman chuckled at the memory.

  Aesop looked sideways at him.

  ‘Norman, do you realise how many of your Rambo stories involve going to the toilet?’

  ‘It sticks in the mind, Aesop. You’d be amazed how much you’d kill for a civilised crapper when you’re in certain parts of the world.’

  ‘Yeah, well right now I’d kill for a bleedin’ taxi. Do they not have them?’

  ‘Of course they do. But won’t you appreciate your pint more after your little stroll?’

  ‘If I can hold it.’

  ‘We’ll get you a straw. Anyway, it’s your own fault for coming down here with no decent clothes. Look at you. You’d swear you were about to go on stage.’

  ‘Yeah, well, in case you don’t remember, I was being hoofed out the door yesterday, half-asleep with no breakfast. I need a bit of time to get warmed up in the mornings, so I do.’

  ‘You were chipper enough this morning.’

  ‘That’ll be the women that came to say hello.’

  ‘Remember what I said earlier about that?’

  ‘Norman, I’m sure they’re old and mature enough to decide for themselves what they want.’

  ‘Maybe they are. But you’re not. Leave Helen alone. She’s not like the girls in Dublin, okay? She’s young and she’s had a bit of a sheltered life. Don’t even think of taking advantage of her.’

  Aesop mumbled something.

  ‘Did you hear what I said?’

  ‘I heard you.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘And what?’

  Norman held out his arm and they stopped right outside the door of the pub.

  ‘Aesop, that girl is family. Make me a promise now that you won’t touch her.’

  ‘She’s a grown woman, Norman!’

  ‘I don’t care. Promise me.’

  ‘Fuck sake …’

  ‘Aesop …’

  ‘Okay, okay. Jesus, I promise.’

  ‘Right so.’

  ‘Can I ride Jessie?’

  ‘I’d rather you didn’t.’

  ‘Cos I’d say she was the itchiest out of the two of them anyway.’

  ‘Aesop!’

  ‘I’m only bleedin’ joking. Jesus. But she’s no relation, is she?’

  ‘No. Look Aesop, people down here know everything that goes on and they tell. Okay? It’s not like Dublin. You start acting the slut down here and people will be dealing with it long after you fuck off back to the city. Okay?’

  ‘I think you’re underestimating your fellow culchies Norman. They’re not babies.’

  ‘Do we have to have a conversation about you calling them that too?’

  ‘Sorry. Slipped out.’

  Norman swung the door open and held it there for Aesop. As he went to step inside, Norman put a gloved hand on his shoulder.

  ‘I’m serious Aesop. Mind your manners in here. Have a bit of respect and the locals will do likewise and everyone will get on grand and no problems.’

  ‘You’re making them out to be fuckin’ eejits, Norman. I’m sure they’re grand. They’re not fucking aliens are they? We’ll have a laugh tonight, watch.’

  ‘Just don’t take the piss.’

  Aesop winked at him and then took a big breath and walked inside doing the Twilight Zone theme music.

  Chapter Eleven

  Aesop tried to be on his best behaviour. Norman seemed to be under the impression that just letting him out of doors down here was asking for trouble and if it was going to be like that for two weeks
then Aesop wouldn’t get to have any fun at all. After they collected two pints at the bar, Norman steered them back to a small table out of the way where they were pretty much on their own except for a middle-aged married couple quietly sipping a pint and a glass of wine next to them.

  Aesop took a big pull on his drink.

  ‘Nice pint,’ he said, picking the glass back up to give it a closer look. ‘Do you want a game of pool?’

  Norman looked around. It was early enough and there was no one on the table.

  ‘Eh …’

  ‘What’s the matter?’

  ‘The boys down here take their pool very seriously Aesop.’

  ‘What boys?’

  ‘The local lads. Some great players there is too.’

  ‘So what? Anyway, there’s no one there now is there?’

  ‘They’ll be in soon enough.’

  ‘They don’t own the table, do they? They can have it when we’re finished if they come in.’

  ‘You’re a bit handy yourself Aesop. I don’t want any grief.’

  ‘Why would there be grief? Jesus, is everyone down here just itching to stick the head on somebody? What’s the matter with you? Will you relax?’

  It was another half hour before two guys in their twenties came in and put some coins on the table. Norman and Aesop had just started their third game.

  ‘Winners?’ said one of the young fellas.

  ‘Ah no,’ said Norman. ‘You can have the table.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Yeah. We’re finished anyway.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  They wandered off to the bar, leaving the lads to finish their game but looking over every now and again to see who these new guys on the pool block were and how their form was.

  ‘Why didn’t we play them Norman?’

  ‘Ah, I’ve enough pool for tonight.’

  ‘Chicken.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘You don’t think we’d beat them?’

  ‘It’s not that. I’d rather just have a pint. And the band will be on in another bit anyway.’

  Aesop bent over a shot and then looked up.

  ‘You think I’m going to get us into trouble every time I open me mouth, don’t you?’

  ‘It’s been known to happen.’

  ‘Jesus man, all I’m doing is having a pint and a game of pool. You think I’m going to go out of my way just to annoy a few woollyheads?’

  ‘Look what you just said!’

  ‘They can’t hear me.’

  ‘But I heard you. Anyway, they keep looking over.’

  ‘Ah right. They lip-read, do they? Are they going to feel threatened and start throwing slaps around just because I’m all sophisticated and urbane and their women want to ride me?’

  ‘Christ. Will you shut up and take your shot you langer? Sophisticated my arse.’

  The game didn’t even go the distance. Norman plugged the black with four of his balls left on the table.

  ‘Pints on you, my big worried friend.’

  ‘Right. Go on back to the table there and I’ll bring them over.’

  ‘The lads are coming back. You sure you don’t want to play them?’

  ‘Yes. Go on.’

  Norman went to the bar as the two guys arrived with their own pints.

  ‘Lads,’ said Aesop.

  They were looking at him a bit funny. One of them picked up a cue.

  Oh fuck, thought Aesop. Here we go. They must have ears like rabbits, this pair. He looked past to them to see how far away Norman was.

  ‘Are you that fella in The Grove? The drummer?’

  Aesop relaxed. Thank fuck for that. He smiled and put his own cue down on the table.

  ‘Yeah. Aesop Murray. How’s it going?’

  ‘Grand. What are you doing down here?’

  ‘Ah, just taking a bit of time off. The band is on tour in a few weeks. That’s me mate Norman. His Granny used to live down the road there, so we’re staying in her gaff for a bit and seeing the sights.’

  ‘Not many sights around here.’

  ‘Have you not been to the holy well?’

  They turned to check out Norman.

  ‘I don’t think I know him,’ he said.

  ‘Norman? He lives in Dublin now. I think he prefers it down here, but.’

  Norman had the pints now and wasn’t wasting his time getting back with them. He handed Aesop his, and then glanced around quickly to see what damage had been done.

  ‘Hiya lads,’ he said quickly. ‘Enjoy your game.’

  ‘Yeah,’ said one of the guys. ‘You sure you don’t want to play? House rules. The table is yours till we knock you off it.’

  ‘Nah, we’re grand.’

  ‘Fair enough.’

  Norman made a beeline for their old seat.

  ‘Talk to yis later lads,’ said Aesop. He winked. ‘Norman’s shite at pool, but I’ll give yis a game.’

  He walked over to Norman and sat down, looking around the bar with a smile and saying nothing. Then he turned around.

  ‘I told them you were shite at pool.’

  ‘Good.’

  ‘Set them up for later. Might snaffle a couple of pints off them.’

  ‘I’m not in the humour Aesop.’

  ‘Sure we’ll see.’

  He knocked back some of his pint.

  ‘Anyway … so, c’mere, how is Helen your cousin?’

  ‘Helen? She’s Mikey Pat’s daughter.’

  ‘Oh. Right. But … hang on … I thought you said Mikey Pat was your cousin?’

  ‘Yeah. His Dad was my Dad’s brother.’

  ‘But … then Helen isn’t your cousin, is she? She’s your … eh … second cousin or something.’

  ‘So what?’

  ‘Norman!’ Aesop clapped his hands together. ‘Sure, second cousins are grand! You could even ride her. The Pope says you can and everything, so he’s hardly going to have a mickey-fit if I put one away, is he?’

  ‘It’s got nothing to do with the Pope, Aesop. And don’t be talking about her like that or I’ll give you a box. Second cousin or whatever she is, you promised you wouldn’t go near her. She’s still family.’

  ‘I don’t even know my second cousins, sure. I could have rode dozens of them already and I’d be none the wiser.’

  ‘Jesus. And that doesn’t bother you?’

  ‘You can’t be going around the place letting things bother you, Norman. Life is a fragile and fleeting thing. You never know when your next portion will be your last.’

  ‘Will you ever … who are you waving at?’

  ‘Next portion.’

  Norman looked up at the two girls coming in the door.

  ‘You better be fucking talking about Jessie.’

  ‘Oh there’s Jessie too, look.’

  The two girls saw them and waved back with big smiles. Aesop felt Norman staring at him.

  ‘I’m joking for fuck sake. Will you chill out?’

  He turned to give the girls another poilite flash of the pearly whites and saw Helen’s eyes widen just the tiniest bit. She said something to Jessie and they both laughed. Then she looked up at him again and gave it to him full-on, the smile dropping off a good bit but the eyes just scooping him up, green and shining even from thirty feet away. The flush in her cheek from the cold outside deepened … and then back came the smile; pink lips and white teeth and the merest suggestion of the horniest fucking overbite that Aesop had ever seen.

  He wondered if his own mouth was open. He’d never seen an entrance like it. She was stunning. Not that she was minging on her way out to work this morning when he was having his tea, but by fuck she was a goddess after a few pints. She unwrapped her head from a big shawl yoke as she stopped to say hello to someone, and her hair fell out of it, bouncing down around her shoulders in russet bundles like the whole arrangement was spring-loaded. She leaned to one side as she laughed at whatever the guy was saying to her and grabbed it by the fistful, shaking it and sweeping it
out of her face until it seemed to run in rumpled bewilderment from one side of her chin right around her head to the other. Well, that was it. There was nothing else for it. He had to have her, didn’t he? It was only manners. He wasn’t even registering anything else that was happening in the pub, or who else was there. It was just Aesop and Helen and the ensuing chain reaction in Aesop’s head was something he barely noticed shifting into first gear. Then they started to come over and his eyes flicked to Jessie.

  Fuck. The mate.

  ‘Okay Jimmy. Wingman. Wingman. I need a wingman.’

  ‘What?’ said Norman.

  ‘I need a wingman. Get rid of Jessie.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Get rid of Jessie. I’m going in. Jesus Christ almighty, would you look at her. Have you ever …’

  ‘Aesop, what are you doing?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Did you call me Jimmy?’

  ‘What?’

  Aesop looked around and blinked.

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘What are you on about?’

  ‘Eh … nothing. Sorry Norman. I was miles away.’

  ‘What’s wrong with your mouth?’

  Aesop closed it.

  ‘Nothing.’

  The girls stopped at the table and started to unbutton coats and cast off hats and coats and gloves.

  ‘Bloody freezing tonight!’ said Helen. ‘Hoosh up there Robert. Two pints?’

  ‘No way,’ said Aesop. ‘Sit down there, the pair of you. I’ll get them. What are you having?’

  ‘Murphys for me,’ said Jessie.

  ‘Bacardi and diet Coke in a tall glass,’ said Helen.

  ‘Eh, right. A tall glass. Aren’t you very precise? And a pint, is it Jessie?’

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘Grand so.’

  Aesop went up to the bar, slotting things into place in his head for later. Hmm … a tall glass. She must be a size queen, Helen. Mad for lad. And the heftier the better by the sounds of things. Aesop was a Freudian at heart.

  He passed the pool table on the way.

  ‘Howya lads. Still going strong?’

  ‘So far, yeah. You ready for a game?’

  ‘Sorry pal. A bit later. Entertaining.’

  He nodded towards the corner where Norman and the girls were. The lads looked over and then looked at each other. Aesop caught a vibe of something, but just nodded and carried on to the bar. He didn’t give a shite about pool any more. He gave the order to the barman and stood with his back to the bar, watching the girls talk to Norman. He had a bit of a problem there. Norman. Norman would freak. He looked at Helen again but could only see the side of her face. She turned suddenly to look over at him and out shone that smile again. He smiled back and then turned around to pay for the drinks. This wasn’t right. She was barely related to Norman at all, and even if she was, what was wrong with Aesop giving her some rumpy pumpy if she was up for it?