Ride On

by Stephen J. Martin

  ‘How do you like your eggs Aesop?’

  ‘Actually, I love poached eggs Helen. But don’t go to any trouble.’

  ‘No trouble.’

  ‘Ah, you’re very good for coming down and making the brekkie like this.’

  ‘Not at all. I wanted to say hello anyway. I don’t get to see Robert much these days and he said you didn’t know how long you’d be hanging around.’

  ‘We’ll be here for a couple of weeks probably, so you drop in to see him as often as you like.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘Seriously. Drop in to see me too if you like.’

  She stopped what she was doing for a second, but didn’t turn around.

  ‘Maybe I will.’

  ‘Listen, I wanted to tell you last night, Helen, but I was pissed and didn’t want to sound like a fuckin’ eejit. You’ve got a beautiful voice. Man, last night you were absolutely … stunning … up there.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘I’m serious. And, no, thank you. I had a brilliant time.’

  ‘I did too.’

  ‘Helen?’

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘That Irish song you were singing …’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Who is she?’

  ‘Who’s who?’

  ‘The girl in the …’

  There was a thump outside the front door, someone kicking muck off shoes. Then a knock.

  ‘Hello?’

  Aesop’s head spun around in surprise.

  ‘Jimmy?’

  He went to the door and opened it. Jimmy was standing there, grinning.

  ‘Howya Aesop. What’s …’

  ‘Did you bring your iPod?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Your iPod.’

  Jimmy tapped his jacket pocket.

  ‘It’s here.’

  ‘Speakers?’

  ‘They’re out in the car.’

  ‘Gimme your keys.’

  ‘It’s not locked.’

  ‘Grand.’

  Aesop bolted past him and out to Jimmy’s car.

  ‘Nice to see you too, Aesop. Fuck sake.’

  Aesop ignored him, so Jimmy stepped inside and looked around. He saw Helen standing at the counter, looking at him.

  ‘Hello.’

  ‘Hi.’

  ‘Eh … I’m Jimmy.’

  She just nodded, a full black pudding in her hand, like she was seeing things.

  ‘Where in the car?’ shouted Aesop from outside.

  ‘In the boot. There’s a sports bag with me gear.’

  Jimmy turned back to Helen.

  ‘Is … Norman here?’

  ‘He’s out the back cutting up some sticks for the fire.’

  ‘Right.’

  ‘Jimmy, the boot won’t open.’

  ‘For fu … you need to lean on it with your knee. It gets stuck.’

  He walked over to Helen and put his hand out.

  ‘Nice to meet you, eh …’

  ‘Helen.’

  ‘Helen. Nice to meet you. Are you Aesop’s … friend?’

  ‘I’m Robert’s cousin.’

  ‘Oh right. Yeah. Helen. He mentioned you, yeah. Bridie’s your Mam, isn’t she? God, they have you making their breakfast for them? You should have told them to …’

  There was a tremendous banging from the front garden.

  ‘Sorry Helen, can you excuse me a minute?’ He walked back to the door and looked out. ‘Aesop, I said lean on it with your knee, not kick the fuck out of it.’

  ‘It won’t … fucking … the yoke is …’

  ‘Christ, I’ll do it. Hang … will you … Aesop, stop fuckin’ kicking me car! Jesus …’

  He went out and opened the boot, pointed at the bag, and then came back inside.

  ‘Has he been listening to a lot of Norman’s music?’

  ‘And Dolly Parton.’

  ‘Right,’ he said looking back at Aesop rooting through his bag.

  ‘Eh … will you have a cup of tea?’ said Helen.

  ‘I’d love one Helen, thanks. That was a long drive this morning.’

  ‘Are you going to be staying?’

  ‘Yeah. For a few days anyway.’

  Aesop came in and went over to Jimmy, reaching into his pocket.

  ‘What … Aesop … stop … will you … what are you doing for fuck sake?’

  ‘Gimme your iPod. I need Zeppelin. It’s an emergency.’

  ‘Here. Jesus.’

  Aesop took the iPod and speakers and went over to the counter to plug them in, the other two just watching. Ten seconds later ‘Black Dog’ was blasting out through the kitchen. Aesop sighed and leaned back against the fridge like he was sinking into a hot bath.

  ‘Ah Jaysis. Ah, that’s grand now …’

  ‘Aesop …’ said Jimmy, shaking his head.

  ‘Oh. Sorry. Yiz must think I’m very rude. Jimmy, this is Norman’s stunningly beautiful cousin Helen, who’s an amazing singer and a dab hand at the oul’ fry in the mornings. Helen, this is my mate Jimmy Collins. He’s a rockstar.’

  A dishevelled and disgruntled figure stumbled into the kitchen through the back door, two arms full of broken sticks and his nose streaming blood.

  ‘Head came off the axe,’ he said, blinking at everyone and then staring at Jimmy with his mouth open.

  ‘And of course, you know Norman,’ said Aesop.

  *

  The lads were sitting on the low stone wall next to the holy well, smoking.

  ‘A trout?’ said Jimmy.

  ‘Yeah,’ said Norman, shrugging. He had toilet roll stuffed up one nostril.

  ‘Fair enough.’

  Aesop got up and peered into the well.

  ‘Hello?’ he shouted.

  ‘Don’t take the piss Aesop,’ said Norman.

  ‘I’m not. Just trying out the echo.’

  ‘Sit down and have your smoke. And don’t be flicking your butt into it either. Bring it with you back to the cottage.’

  ‘And what did Saint Ita do for herself?’ said Jimmy.

  ‘Ah, I don’t know all the stories. I think her Da wanted her to get married to some rich bloke, but she didn’t want to because she wanted to live a simple life and go around helping people.’

  ‘Typical Pisces,’ said Aesop, sitting on the wall again and stubbing out his cigarette.

  ‘Anyway,’ said Norman. ‘Are you going to tell us what you’re doing down here? I thought you were busy in Dublin.’

  ‘I was. But … well, I couldn’t concentrate on what I was doing, y’know? I haven’t been writing very much lately … figured I could do with a bit of time off. So I thought I’d come down here and see what you two were getting up to. So what have you been up to?’

  ‘Not much,’ said Aesop. ‘Met Helen and her mate Jessie yesterday. Then Norman showed me some karate. Went to a trad gig last night and fell in love with Helen, God bless her sweet voice like honey and eyes the size of dinner plates, but Norman made me promise not to touch her which I think is totally fucking out of line. I nearly got into a fight with a bloke called Davey, who’s Helen’s ex-fiancé, for blowing him a kiss across the bar, but his mate pulled him away before I could batter him. Then Norman got up and played the bones with the band. Came home, drank a bottle of whiskey, told Norman I called his bird a cunt, and then passed out upside down in the bed. Oh, by the way, apparently Jessie is mad for your cock, Jimmy. You haven’t met her yet, but you will. A couple of nice handfuls on her and the deadly accent and everything. All I did was mention your name and next thing she’s there shifting around on the seat trying to get comfortable, y’know? The bullets out and everything just thinking about you.’

  Jimmy just blinked at him and looked around at Norman.

  ‘Aesop,’ said Norman, pointing at the well. ‘Do you know where we are? This is s’posed to be a holy place. Can you not have a bit of respect?’

  ‘Sorry man. I keep forgetting.’

  ‘Anyway Jimmy,’ said Norman. ‘Why didn’t
you go across to England to see Susan if you had a bit of time off?’

  ‘Well …’ said Jimmy. ‘I was going to. But it didn’t work out.’

  ‘What didn’t work out?’ said Aesop.

  ‘I called her but … I think it’s over.’

  ‘Ah no,’ said Norman, turning to him. ‘Why? What happened?’

  ‘I don’t know to be honest. But she just told me it wasn’t working and she’d prefer it if I didn’t call again.’

  ‘Really? Why, for fuck sake? I thought you two were going to sort out all the stuff between you.’

  ‘Well I was hoping we could. Man, she wouldn’t even talk to me. She just said she’d had enough and wanted to move on. To be honest, I can’t really say I blame her. It was too hard. I was working my arse off on the record, and I’ll be on tour in a few weeks. And …’

  Jimmy drifted off and looked out over the fields.

  ‘Are you all right?’ said Norman.

  ‘Yeah. I s’pose. It was a tough one though. Tears and everything. I only talked to her for five minutes, but she was all upset. Worse than that. She sounded really angry or something. Like she suddenly realised that I’ve only been wasting her time.’

  ‘Do you think it’s worth trying again with her?’ said Norman.

  Jimmy sighed.

  ‘Yeah. But I’m a selfish bastard. I only want to do it my way. Wait until I had everything cleared up and could concentrate on the two of us.’

  ‘Jimmy?’ said Aesop.

  ‘What? And before you say anything, I’m not in the humour for listening to any of your shite about riding someone else to get over it. This only happened last night, right?’

  ‘All right. But I was just going to say that this was always going to happen and that you’re a fuckin’ eejit.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘Seriously man. You’re like a fuckin’ book I’ve read already.’

  ‘What fuckin’ book have you ever read?’

  ‘I’m just saying, like. You’ve a head full of piss and if you want this bird so much, why don’t you just go over there and sweep her off her feet and tell her you love her and that no matter what happens with the band or any other shite in your life, she’s the most important thing and you’ll do whatever it takes to make it all okay. Tell her to come to Dublin, move in with you, get a job if that’s what she wants and then the two of you can fuck like rabbits and make babies and build a castle and be the coolest fucking rock and roll couple on the planet.’

  The other two looked over at him.

  ‘What are you looking at?’ he said. ‘It’s simple! It’s not what I’d do, but I’m taking into consideration the fact that you’re a handbag. If you don’t do all that because it’s not what you want, well then that’s grand. Drop it, leave her alone, stop whinging, get on with your shit and ride the arse off Jessie tonight. But if you don’t do it because you’re too busy doing all that complicated poet bollocks in your mind again, then your head is full of piss and I don’t want to fucking hear any more about it.’

  ‘Jesus … isn’t life simple Aesop?’

  ‘Yes! You fucking … langer. Norman, call him a langer. I can’t do the accent.’

  ‘He’s not a langer Aesop.’

  ‘You’re both fucking langers then.’

  ‘What do you know about it, Aesop?’ said Jimmy. ‘You don’t give a shit about any girl.’

  ‘I know you love this Susan bird. Whatever that means. I know that fucking Kleenex dispenser over there loves his Trish bird. What’s the problem? You’re always telling me I’m a waster and I should cop on and settle down and get serious about a girl. Well, the pair of you are hardly fucking brilliant advertisements for it, are you? Look at you. You want to know what it all means, Jimmy, even though it means fuck all except for what you’ve got here and now. And you, fucking … Mr Bean on steroids … are so happy that all you can think of is the whole thing going to shit. What are you fucking like? I’m not allowed ask Helen out, but I’ll tell you, if I did bring her out at least she’d have a good time and neither of us would come out of the experience fucking traumatised.’

  No one spoke for a minute.

  ‘Well … maybe you have a point,’ said Jimmy.

  ‘You know I have a point. Norman? Am I right?’

  ‘You’re not totally wrong. Maybe.’

  ‘And can I ask Helen out?’

  ‘Only if you want your bollocks fed to you.’

  ‘Bastard. Well, listen, if I’m going to be imprisoned in this bleedin’ hellhole for the next two weeks with the pair of you, I don’t want any more of this shite, ye here me? Fuck this …’

  He stood up and started walking around the well. After three circles, he reached into his pocket and then fired a handful of coins down into it.

  ‘Aesop,’ said Norman, reaching out to grab him. ‘What the fuck …’

  ‘Shut up a minute. I’m not finished. Is there a special prayer, or what’s the story?’

  ‘I don’t know. I think there’s a prayer, but …’

  ‘And does it work if you talk out loud, or is it like blowing out birthday candles?’

  ‘I don’t know Aesop. And I don’t think …’

  ‘Well I’ll try anything if it means you two aren’t a drippy couple of homos for the next two weeks. Actually, y’know something, I feel better already. I think me hangover’s gone.’ He leaned over the well again and shouted. ‘Thanks Ita! Seeya tomorrow.’

  He sat back on the wall and lit up again. The others were laughing.

  ‘That’s more like it,’ said Aesop.

  ‘Aesop, why did you throw money into the well?’ said Norman.

  ‘You said people made an offering.’

  ‘They do. See that box over there?’

  Norman pointed to a metal box chained to a small post.

  ‘Ah. Right. Well …’

  ‘It’s not a wishing well.’

  ‘We’ll find out about that won’t we? So where does the money go?’

  ‘I don’t know. I think it goes to some charity or something. Listen, I’ve to have a crap. Are you coming in or will you be out here?’

  ‘Ah, we’ll stay a minute,’ said Jimmy. ‘It’s nice out here.’

  ‘Grand. Seeya in a bit. I think there’s a few beers in the fridge. I’ll bring them out.’

  ‘Any word on Shiggy?’ said Aesop, once Norman had set off for the cottage.

  ‘I talked to him the other day. He might have a business trip here coming up soon. We can talk properly about it then. You know he’s been working for Kyotosei for twenty years?’

  ‘Really? Jaysis, he looks about twelve.’

  ‘Yeah. Well, it’d be a big thing for him to just drop it all.’

  ‘That’s fair enough I s’pose. Still, it’d be deadly to have him back.’

  ‘I know. Sparky said he’d fill in for the Irish tour, but when we go over to England, it’d be too hard. He’s got enough shit on his plate in Sin Bin. If Shiggy isn’t back, we’ll have to get someone else by then.’

  ‘Fuck that. We’re a good band with Shiggy. Starting all over again with … y’know …’

  A car drove past on the road. A knackered thing that roared as the driver gave them a wave. They waved back.

  ‘Hang on a minute Jimmy,’ said Aesop, watching the car drive vanish.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Keep sketch for Norman, right?’

  ‘What? Aesop, what are you doing?’

  ‘Nothing. Just keep an eye out. Hang on …’

  He ran off towards the ditch at the side of the road and came back a minute later with a straight broken branch about six foot long. He started stripping all the twigs and smaller branches off it.

  ‘What are you going to do with that?’

  ‘Nothing. It’s grand.’

  ‘Aesop, what are …’

  ‘Here we go,’ said Aesop, after a couple of minutes, holding up his stick and grinning at Jimmy.

  ‘What are you going to do with
that?’

  ‘Watch …’

  He walked over to the well and looked down into it.

  ‘Aesop, that stick is nowhere near long enough to get your money back. And anyway, you’d need a scoop or something on the end of it.’

  ‘You reckon?’

  ‘Of course, you dope.’

  ‘Is that a car coming?’

  Jimmy looked off down the road. There was another car approaching, coming into view and then disappearing as it came towards them over the dips in the road.

  ‘Yeah. Why?’

  ‘Are you ready?’ said Aesop.

  ‘For fucking what?’ said Jimmy, looking around quickly. He was starting to panic. You never knew what the mad fucker was going to do. ‘Aesop, what are you up to?’

  ‘Hush a minute. Hang on … hang on …’

  Just then the car came over the last dip and Aesop immediately stood back and held his stick in two hands over the opening of the well. It suddenly looked very much like a fishing rod.

  ‘Aesop …’

  Aesop’s shoulders were already starting to shake with the laughing. Jimmy could see the driver of the car slow down and look at the pair of them, her mouth open in a big O. Aesop gave her a big smile and a wave and then turned back to his rod. He suddenly gave it a jerk upwards and leaned back like he was trying to land a whopper. Jimmy put his face in his hands and turned away. When he managed to look back over his shoulder, the driver of the car, a woman of about fifty, was still staring in horror at the sight in front of her. Aesop gave a final pull on his stick and jumped backwards, landing on the ground with the stick still jerking. The car finally trundled out of site behind a hedge.

  Aesop got up and came over to Jimmy, one hand still clutching the branch and the other on his belly. He was roaring laughing.

  ‘Ah, man … did you … did you see her face?’

  He pointed out at the road and then doubled over.

  ‘Ah Jesus … ah Christ … that was fucking brilliant that was …’

  ‘What’s he laughing at?’ called Norman, coming over the field towards them with a sixpack of Guinness bottles.

  ‘Eh …’ said Jimmy. ‘He , eh … we were just laughing about something Shiggy said once.’

  ‘Ah right. Gas man, Shiggy. What’s with the stick, Aesop?’