Ride On

by Stephen J. Martin

  But Aesop couldn’t talk. He just bent over, cackling, shaking his head and pointing at the road. Eventually he straightened up and took a bottle off Norman.

  ‘We should go to Dingle.’

  ‘Now?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘It’s nearly two o’clock.’

  ‘So what? Come on. We’ll head off now, have a few pints tonight and then be ready in the morning to get out on the harbour.’

  ‘Me bollocks,’ said Jimmy. ‘I know what you’re at. I’m not driving to Dingle now to look at a fucking dolphin after driving down here this morning already.’

  ‘Ah go on.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Tomorrow?’

  ‘We’ll see.’

  ‘We’ll see? I’m not fucking seven, Jimmy.’

  ‘Look at that sky, Aesop. It’s going to rain.’

  ‘But we’ll be in the water.’

  ‘We will in our fuck. It’s freezing.’

  ‘But they get you in a wet suit.’

  ‘They’ll be lucky to get me in a boat. We’ll talk about it tomorrow.’

  ‘I want to go today!’

  ‘Tough.’

  ‘That’s not fair! I want to go to see Fungi.’

  ‘Another day, Aesop.’

  ‘But Jimmy, you said …’

  ‘Jesus, Aesop,’ said Jimmy, rubbing his head. ‘I thought you weren’t fucking seven? Will you shut up? Anyway, he’s probably hibernating.’

  Aesop tutted in disgust and crushed his can under his foot.

  ‘Hibernating … fuck sake. I’m getting more beer.’

  He walked off back to the cottage, muttering to himself.

  Norman and Jimmy didn’t say anything for a bit. Then Norman looked up.

  ‘I don’t think dolphins hibernate, Jimmy.’

  ‘Yeah? Why not?’

  ‘I think there might be a danger of them … y’know … drowning.’

  Jimmy thought about that for a minute and then nodded.

  ‘I s’pose they’d need to be careful about that all right.’

  Chapter Fourteen

  ‘There he is!’ shouted Jimmy, pointing. ‘Look at him!’

  It was the next morning. Cold and dark under heavy clouds and the boat was rolling all over the sea.

  ‘I see him,’ said Norman, laughing. ‘Jesus, he’s massive. Aesop! Look!’

  But Aesop wasn’t looking. He was at the back of the boat puking his guts up. He raised one hand in acknowledgment and then up came some more of his breakfast and he bent over fully again, grabbing the rail with both fists and roaring.

  There were about a dozen people on the boat. Three Americans, a couple from Germany or somewhere, and the rest Irish. It was fairly choppy out in the harbour, but only Aesop was suffering to the point where he couldn’t even stand up without feeling the huge fry he’d eaten that morning squirm and boil in his stomach.

  ‘Aesop, you’re missing it,’ shouted Jimmy.

  ‘I’ll be grand … ugh … I’ll be grand in a minute, Jimmy. Just … I’ll be … ’

  ‘We’ve been out here for an hour, man. We’ll be heading back soon.’

  Jimmy walked back to him.

  ‘Come on over here. At least if you’re puking out the side of the boat, you’ll be able to see him when he comes up.’

  Aesop stood up straight. He was green, blobs of old food on his chin and his eyes red and streaming. He put one hand on Jimmy’s shoulder.

  ‘I don’t want him to see me like this,’ he said.

  ‘I don’t think he gives a shite, Aesop.’

  ‘He does. Jimmy, I’ve been … aw … aw Jesus … wait … wait a minute Jimmy.’ He belched. ‘Ah, that’s better … I’ve been waiting for years to meet him and look at the state of me now.’

  ‘He’s a dolphin, Aesop.’

  ‘Dolphins are more intelligent than people, Jimmy.’

  ‘Some people, yeah, I can see that. Nothing would do you only to eat all them fried eggs this morning, would it?’

  ‘She said she was after making too many.’

  ‘You could’ve just said no.’

  ‘To food?’

  ‘Well anyway, I’m sure you’re not the first person Fungi’s seen vomit out here.’

  ‘You don’t understand.’

  ‘Well … why don’t you sit down and just peek over the side.’

  ‘He’s not fucking stupid, Jimmy. He’ll know I’m … ’

  ‘Hi guys!’

  It was one of the Amercian blokes. He was standing there in a bright luminous orange raincoat and beaming out of a tanned face with teeth like a mouthful of snow.

  ‘Howya,’ said Jimmy.

  ‘Nice camera,’ said Aesop, glancing up. It was about the size of fax machine.

  ‘Thanks! Hey, I guess you’re not feeling too good, are you?’

  ‘What makes you say that, Inspector?’

  ‘Well … I noticed that you’ve been throwing up. Are you okay?’

  ‘I’m fine. Here, look … high five … ’

  He put up one hand, but before the other guy could do anything, Aesop was spraying the sea again.

  ‘Hey buddy, what you need is some toast. Dry toast.’

  ‘Is that what I need?’

  ‘Sure is. That’ll sort you right out. We’ve been having problems with the food over here too. But when your stomach is upset like that? It’s the only thing that works. Dry toast. Guaranteed.’

  ‘I see. And, c’mere, do you have any dry toast?’

  ‘No. Sorry.’

  ‘I see. Right. Jimmy, what did we do with all that dry toast we had?’

  ‘I think I left it in the car, Aesop.’

  ‘Shite. Ah well. But, listen, thanks anyway, man. It was a cracking idea.’

  ‘You’re welcome. Are you guys English?’

  ‘No,’ said Jimmy. He could see that Aesop had had enough already. ‘We’re from Dublin.’

  ‘Really? It’s hard to tell. Everyone we meet has all these crazy accents. We don’t have an accent in the States.’

  ‘Is that a fact?’ said Aesop. At least he was distracted now from his vomiting. ‘Aren’t yis brilliant?’

  ‘Yeah. I guess we’re lucky. Hey, I think we’re turning around. I should get some more pictures of Fungi. I gotta tell you though, I’m a bit disappointed.’

  ‘Why’s that?’

  ‘Well, he doesn’t do any tricks. He just kinds of swims along with the boat, doesn’t he? I guess he’s not so smart.’

  ‘He jumped up out of the water a few times,’ said Jimmy, looking at Aesop quickly.

  ‘Yeah, I guess. But they’d make a lot more money if they put him in a pool and taught him some tricks. That’s what we do at home.’

  ‘Where’s home?’ said Jimmy. He gave Aesop a small kick in the shin.

  ‘South Beach, Florida.’

  ‘Florida, right. God. You must be loving the weather here so, are you?’

  ‘Y’know, actually, I prefer the sun.’

  ‘Oh. Do you? Right so.’

  ‘Anyway, we’re heading to Dublin on Tuesday. We’ve been in the countryside for a few weeks now. Looking forward to some excitement. Is there anywhere you’d recommend? We’ve heard about Temple Bar and Grafton Street and … ’

  ‘Have you ever heard of Ballyfermot?’ said Aesop.

  ‘No. What’s there?’

  ‘Great nightlife. You’d like it. Ballyfermot. Just ask the taximan.’

  ‘Ballyfermot. Right. Well, we’ll be sure to check it out.’

  ‘Do. Bring your camera.’

  ‘Yeah? Okay.’

  ‘And that raincoat.’

  ‘Sure. Well, I’ll see you guys later. Thanks for the tip.’

  ‘And you.’

  He went back to his mates, and Jimmy turned around to Aesop.

  ‘Ballyfermot?’

  ‘Did you hear what he said about Fungi? Fungi’s not a fuckin’ clown Jimmy. We’re lucky that he shows up here at all and lets us get close to
him. You can’t capture him and put him in a pool. There’d be a riot.’

  ‘Jesus. The bloke was only making conversation.’

  ‘Yeah. And slagging Irish food he was, too. Well, anyway it doesn’t matter. He won’t remember Ballyfermot.’

  ‘But he’s writing it down, look.’

  Aesop gave a small laugh and looked over.

  ‘Is he? Well he said they were looking for some excitement. Ah Jimmy … I’m just a bit depressed. I was really looking forward to seeing Fungi.’

  ‘Well he’s still out there. Come on. Give him a wave anyway.’

  ‘All right.’

  They went back to Norman who had moved over to the other side of the boat now that they were heading back in.

  ‘Hang on,’ said Norman, putting his arm out. ‘Get down wind from me, you.’

  ‘I’m finished.’

  ‘I don’t care.’

  ‘Believe me Norman, there’s nothing left. I think the last thing that came up was something I’m going to miss later on.’

  ‘I’m not taking any chances.’

  ‘Is he still out there?’

  ‘He was there a minute ago. He must be getting tired though. He was lepping out of the water like it was scalding. It was brilliant. Did you not see him at all?’

  ‘No. Fuck it. I don’t believe this shit. All this way … ’

  ‘That’s what happens when you make a savage of yourself at breakfast. How many eggs have you eaten in the last two days?’

  ‘They’re nicer down here.’

  ‘Why didn’t you tell the landlady you were full?’

  ‘Don’t you bleedin’ start.’

  ‘Well we’re going back in now.’

  ‘Thanks, I can see that Norman.’

  ‘Jesus, it’s not my fault you didn’t see him. Don’t be getting snotty with me.’

  ‘Where was he?’

  ‘Over there. Next to the head.’

  Aesop looked out but there was no sign. Just the waves, which seemed to just be getting rougher and higher, the spray flying off crests in sheets.

  The boat carried on into the harbour and just five minutes later they were pulling up to the pier. Aesop sighed and started to walk off back up the boat.

  ‘Where are you going?’ said Jimmy.

  ‘I’m getting me money back.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘He said you get your money back if you don’t see the dolphin on his boat trip.’

  ‘You’re going to go and get your money back, are you?’ said Norman. ‘From a Kerryman?’

  He roared laughing.

  ‘C’mon, Jimmy, this’ll be good … ’

  *

  ‘Do you want another pint Norman?’ said Jimmy, getting up.

  ‘I’ll go,’ said Aesop.

  ‘You got the last one.’

  ‘Yeah, I know. But I’ll get this one too.’

  He stood up and went to the bar. Jimmy looked and saw that two hotties were after coming in and were standing there wondering what to order. Aesop was making a beeline for them.

  ‘He never stops, does he?’ he said to Norman.

  ‘Ah, feck him. We know him well enough at this stage.’

  Aesop came back from the bar with three pints, a packet of peanuts and a grin like a Christmas tree.

  ‘Stockholm,’ he said.

  ‘Yeah?’ said Jimmy, finishing the last of his old one. ‘On holliers in February?’

  ‘Nah. They live here. Well they live in Athlone, but just came down for the weekend. They work for some phone company or something.’

  ‘Ericsson?’

  ‘I didn’t catch their names.’

  ‘Do they work for Ericsson?’

  ‘Fuck, I don’t know. Anyway, who’s up for it?’

  The two lads said nothing.

  ‘C’mon, you useless fuckers. Do I have to do everything around here?’

  ‘Aesop, I’ve got a girlfriend,’ said Norman.

  ‘Ah … okay then. That’s allowed. Jimmy? You just got your marching orders. Are you on?’

  ‘No, Aesop. I’m not on. I’m just having a pint here.’

  ‘Ah Jesus lads, come on! Do you not feel the Need for Swede? Are you going to make me go over there and ride both of them? Have you never had a Swedish bird? It’s like being strapped to a kangaroo.’

  ‘Off you go, so. Enjoy yourself.’

  ‘Are you sure you don’t want to spoil yourself? Don’t say I didn’t offer.’

  ‘I’m grand.’

  Aesop opened his wallet and pulled out two sets of the earplugs he used when he was playing drums and put them on the table next to the pints.

  ‘In case they’re a pair of screamers later. Who’s always looking out for you?’

  He picked up his pint and turned around to go back to the bar.

  ‘And he wonders why I won’t let him near Helen,’ said Norman to Jimmy.

  Aesop turned around.

  ‘What?’

  Norman put down his glass.

  ‘I’m just saying. This is exactly why you’re to keep the fuck away from Helen.’

  Aesop looked back at the bar quickly and then sat down.

  ‘Are you saying that if I don’t go over there, I can ask Helen out?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Well … well what are you saying, then?’

  ‘I’m just saying you’re a prick with ears and that’s why you’re not going near her.’

  ‘But … hang on a minute, Norman. You said I wasn’t to touch her.’

  ‘That’s right.’

  ‘Well I’m only thinking of riding that pair because you said I’d no chance with Helen. I’d never do that if I was with Helen.’

  ‘So Helen would be more like one of your prolonged and happy relationships?’

  ‘But … wait a minute Norman. That’s not fair. Didn’t I say that I thought Helen was great. What do you take me for? If I thought … if I thought that …’

  ‘She’d be like strapping yourself to a kangaroo?’

  ‘No! Jesus, Helen isn’t like that. Helen’s totally cool. I mean it, man. There’s something there, I’m telling you.’

  ‘No there isn’t.’

  ‘There is!’

  ‘And so this is how you display your affection for my cousin?’

  ‘Look … look … hang on a minute …’

  Aesop was scratching his head.

  ‘What do you want me to do for fuck sake?’

  ‘Just be yourself.’

  ‘Norman, I really like her. If I thought I’d get a chance with her, I’d never go near the Swedish birds.’

  ‘Prove it.’

  ‘So … okay … if I don’t ride them, you’ll let me … y’know?’

  ‘I didn’t say that. Did I say that Jimmy?’

  ‘Ah fuck sakes,’ said Aesop. ‘You’re only messing with me head now, Norman.’

  ‘Well, let’s just say that as far as I can see, you’re still the same gobshite you always were, following your cock everywhere it takes you. And it’s not going to happen with my cousin.’

  ‘Okay. Okay. I won’t ride them.’

  ‘Good.’

  ‘I’m not sick, Norman. I can say no. All right lads, you’re about to witness something special. I’m staying put here. No sex for me tonight. I can do this.’

  ‘Well, you’re about to be put to the test,’ said Jimmy.

  ‘What?’

  ‘I think they got bored waiting for you. They’re coming over.’

  ‘Shit. Itchy Swedish bastards …’

  *

  Norman was in the jacks about two hours later. The Swedish girls were long gone. Aesop had sat there fingering his pint and going out for a smoke every five minutes and had barely opened his mouth the whole time they were sitting down with the lads. Jimmy and Norman had a laugh with them, but they eventually wandered away.

  ‘Aesop?’

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘You did very well.’

  ‘Thanks.’


  ‘Although I think they might have been be wondering what your problem was.’

  ‘They’re not the only ones.’

  ‘You really like Helen?’

  ‘Yeah. It’s like … eh … ah, I don’t know …’

  ‘Yeah. It’s been puzzling me too.’

  ‘No. I mean, I haven’t done anything about it. But she’s looked at me a few times and I know she’s up for it.’

  ‘Up for it? Aesop, that’s just the kind of expression Norman wants to hear out of you.’

  ‘I didn’t mean up for it. I just meant that I think she likes me too. Man, there’s something about her and I just … will you say something to Norman for me?’

  ‘What am I s’posed to say?’

  ‘Tell him I’m serious about her.’

  ‘Aesop, will you fuck off!’

  ‘What?’

  ‘You’re not serious about her! You’re just gagging for it because you can’t have her.’

  ‘No. No, it’s not that at all!’

  ‘It fucking is. Cop on and leave the girl alone.’

  ‘Didn’t I not just show him that I was serious?’

  ‘No. You sat there for an hour and said nothing with your foot tapping and your hands shaking like one of them was going to fly off your pint at any minute and land on a big Swedish tit. Helen is just another girl, Aesop. You should have gone off with the two honeys tonight.’

  ‘Aw Jesus. Don’t say that Jimmy. I’m all … I’m all …’

  ‘They were fucking gorgeous. They only came over here for you and then you left them hanging. They’re probably lapping champagne out of some other bloke’s belly button right now.’

  ‘Stop! Will you shut up?’

  Aesop had his eyes scrunched up now and looked like he was in pain.

  ‘Look Aesop, Norman is right. Just be yourself. This lark doesn’t suit you. Look at the fucking state of you. You’re sweating for fuck sake. Hey, why don’t you go off and find them. They’re probably in one of the pubs. Go on.’

  Aesop looked up.

  ‘You think?’

  ‘Yeah. Sure it’s still early. Isn’t there a session in that other place you were yesterday? Maybe they’re in there. Go on. Do us all a favour.’

  ‘Well …’

  Aesop picked up his smokes and his phone and started to stand up.

  ‘I could … I could just … but … but Helen …’

  He plonked down again, closing his eyes tightly and putting his fists up to his forehead.

  ‘Jimmy, me head is fucked.’