Ride On

by Stephen J. Martin

  ‘No problem. We’ll see you in five.’

  Aesop and Jimmy started walking back over towards Norman.

  ‘Did you see that?’ said Aesop. He was fuming, fists clenched. Jimmy had never seen him look so upset.

  ‘See what?’

  ‘Kissing her in front of me and everything. Cheeky fucker … coming over here like that, robbing our women … ’

  ‘She’s fucking Swedish, Aesop.’

  ‘It doesn’t matter. This is my turf, Jimmy!’

  ‘What? Your turf? We’re in bleedin’ Kerry, Aesop. You might as well have stepped out of a fucking spaceship, the head on you.’

  ‘He doesn’t even like blondes he said! What does that mean? What’s wrong with him? He’s just winding me up now, man.’

  ‘Will you give over, Aesop. He doesn’t even know you were talking to her last night.’

  ‘Me bollix Jimmy. And anyway, that pair are s’posed to be back in Athlone by now.’

  ‘Maybe he gave her such a good looking-after last night that she didn’t want to go back.’

  ‘Ah shut up Jimmy. That’s just being rude, now, so it is.’

  ‘You’re not really going to do it, are you?’

  ‘Someone has to put manners on the fucker.’

  ‘He doesn’t give a shite if you jump or not. How will that teach him manners?’

  ‘He’s been rising me for two days, Jimmy. Taking advantage of me when I’m sick on the boat and then when I’m trying to do the right thing by Norman with Helen. Then he’s snogging that gorgeous bundle right in front of me, and laughing in me face. And now you want me to let him think I’m a chickeny bastard who won’t even jump off a mountain?’

  ‘Look, Aesop, you do what you want. You fuckin’ eejit. But I’m not doing it.’ They were back at the main platform now. ‘Hey Norman, that didn’t take long.’

  ‘Sure I’ve done me share of this kind of thing. The gear’s the same.’

  ‘Are you ready to go?’

  ‘Yeah. Robbo, are we ready?’

  ‘Sure Norman. Are you ready?’

  ‘Yeah. Let’s go.’

  ‘Okay mate. You need to hop to the edge there. That’s right. Until your toes are just over the edge. Don’t look down.’

  ‘How will I be able to grab hold of Woolly if I don’t look down?’

  ‘Eh … ’

  ‘It’s grand Robbo. I’m only messing. Okay?’

  ‘Right. Now I’ll go one, two, three, BUNGEE! All right? You dive off like you’re diving into a pool.’

  ‘Grand. Lads, will you take a picture?’

  ‘Eh … ’ said Jimmy. ‘You mean lean over and … ’

  ‘It’s okay guys,’ said Robbo. ‘We have a guy over on that ridge. He’ll get some good shots and we can email them on to you, no charge. And then Phil on the winch here will go down and pull you back up.’

  Phil gave them a wave. He looked cold and bored.

  ‘Lovely. Can I go so?’

  ‘Wait till I give you the countdown.’

  ‘Okay. Lads, you’re not going to see anything from back there.’

  Jimmy and Aesop slowly moved to the railing again and clung onto the top of it.

  ‘One … two … three … BUNNNNGEEEEEE … ’

  Norman let a whoop out of him and executed a beautiful dipping arc before the angle they needed to lean out at to see him became too much for the lads.

  ‘Faaack,’ said Robbo. ‘Nice dive. Has Norman really not done this before?’

  ‘Eh … well he’s done similar stuff,’ said Jimmy.

  ‘Facking mad as.’

  ‘Mad as what?’ said Aesop from up against the back wall again.

  ‘Mad as you like!’ said Robbo.

  ‘Does everyone talk like you in Australia Robbo?’ said Aesop.

  ‘Straylia? Faack. I’m a Kiwi, mate. Aussies are poofs!’

  ‘Oh right. Sorry.’

  ‘You poofs going to jump?’

  ‘I’m thinking about it,’ said Aesop.

  ‘Beauty. Okay, wait till I get Norman back up here and then I’ll go and check on the other guys.’

  Phil was already en route down to Norman and a couple of minutes later the two of them appeared at the platform.

  ‘Holy fuck,’ said Norman, when he saw the lads. ‘That was fucking deadly!’

  ‘You’re mental,’ said Jimmy, shaking his head.

  ‘Lads you have to do it!’

  ‘Aesop is thinking about it.’

  ‘Good stuff out of you Aesop! You’ll love it!’

  He detached himself from all the cables, wires and his harness and then thanked Robbo and Phil.

  ‘Man, I’d do that again in a flash. I can’t wait to see the pictures.’

  ‘We email them on to you Norman. You left your address with Shauna?’

  ‘Yeah, she has it. Thanks a lot.’

  ‘Right guys, I’m going to check on the others. Aesop, you want to start trying on harnesses there?’ He handed him one. ‘I reckon this one will do you.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  A couple of minutes later Bill and his mates and the girls came over. Only the guys were doing the jump. Bill gave Elina another kiss right in front of Aesop and they both grinned at him. Now even Jimmy was sure that he was taking the piss. She must have said something to Bill about last night. Well, Aesop was the one that decided Helen was more important. He couldn’t exactly complain about it now that they were with Bill and his mate, could he? Still, Bill was being a bit of a prick about it.

  ‘How was that?’ said Bill.

  ‘You’ll love it,’ said Norman, still flushed and high as a kite. ‘It’s a right mad buzz!’

  ‘Thanks man. Pity it’s such a lame one though. Still it’s for the video blog, right? But I’ve done much tougher jumps.’

  Norman nodded and looked a bit bemused.

  ‘I’ve done a few meself.’

  ‘Anyway Robbo, let’s go. If this is the only Irish bungee, then I guess I might as well do it.’

  Once he was all strapped up and ready to go, he bunny-hopped to the edge.

  ‘Well,’ said Jimmy to Aesop. ‘He’s doing it. You’re up after him. Does your harness fit?’

  ‘Yeah, it’s grand,’ said Aesop.

  ‘Are you nervous?’

  ‘Actually Jimmy, I feel strangely calm.’

  ‘I think you’re a looper doing this just to prove some stupid point that he probably won’t even get anyway.’

  ‘Hey Aesop?’ called Bill, turning around from the very edge. ‘How do I look?’

  ‘You look brilliant, Bill.’

  ‘Elina? You ready with the video?’

  ‘Yes.’

  Aesop pulled out another smoke and lit it up.

  Robbo stood with one hand on Bill’s back.

  ‘Hey Aesop … ’ said Jimmy.

  ‘One, two, three … ’ said Robbo.

  ‘Just a second Jimmy,’ said Aesop.

  ‘BUNNNGEEEEE … ’ yelled Robbo.

  Bill leapt into the air, arms out, one hand on top of the other, his body turning into an A-shape, bent at the waist, before he straightened out and hung for a split second right in front of them.

  Aesop pulled the smoke out of his mouth, took a step forward and roared.

  ‘No Bill! No! Not yet! Jesus Christ, not yet!!’

  But Bill was gone. Screaming and tumbling, his perfectly formed dive a distant memory as his arms and legs tried to flap their way back up to safety and his underpants quickly filled with urine. For a second, that’s all anyone could hear. Bill’s frantic screams of terror. Then they all turned to Aesop, who was taking off his harness, the smoke back in his mouth so he could use both hands. He looked up.

  ‘Jaysis, I’d say that’ll look deadly on his video blog,’ he said out of the corner of his mouth.

  ‘Aesop … ’ said Jimmy and Norman together, mouths open.

  ‘Aw … mate,’ said Robbo, shaking his head. ‘That was … ’

  Elina wa
s just looking at him in horror.

  ‘You evil, evil … ’ said Jimmy.

  ‘Later Jimmy. Listen, I think the best thing to do would be to get the fuck out of here, yeah?’

  Norman nodded. He couldn’t speak.

  ‘Grand. Well, thanks for everything Robbo,’ said Aesop, handing him the harness.

  ‘You … and you’re not even going to jump?’

  Aesop roared laughing.

  ‘I am in me bollix. I’m going for a pint. Lads? Seeya in the car.’

  He took off away from the platform in a half jog. He went straight past the cabin and then stopped and walked back, sticking his head in the door.

  ‘Hey Shauna.’

  ‘Oh. Hi Aesop. You want to jump now?’

  ‘Nah. Listen, did I see a … ah. There it is. Will you do me a favour Shauna?’

  ‘Of course.’

  *

  ‘How much is that doggie in the window?’ sang the man with the guitar.

  ‘Woof woof!’ went the little mutt.

  ‘The one with the waggly tail … ’

  ‘Woof woof!’

  The lads were breaking their bollocks laughing.

  Four miles back up the road, Bill had recovered sufficiently so that his shaking legs were able to carry him slowly to the cabin to pick up his keys and phone from the basket. He was dazed, dishevelled, queasy and very uncomfortable. He’d never relieved himself upside-down before and gravity had made shite of his t-shirt. Tear marks still stained his cheeks.

  ‘Hi Bill,’ said Shauna, all sweet and innocence. ‘Your mate Aesop told me you’d want this.’

  Bill looked down at the saucer she was holding out.

  ‘I have butter and marmalade, but he said you preferred it dry?’

  Chapter Sixteen

  ‘Okay muppet,’ said Norman, standing over Aesop the next day. ‘Two things …’

  ‘What?’ said Aesop through the chocolate bikkie in his mouth. He’d been flicking through an old Hello magazine on the armchair.

  ‘You’ve to call Trish tonight and say sorry.’

  ‘Ah Norman …’

  ‘You said you would ages ago and you haven’t yet. You have to Aesop.’

  ‘She’s probably forgotten all about it.’

  ‘She has in her arse. After dinner you give her a call. Okay? And you’re to apologise properly, you hear me? I don’t want any of your bollocks-acting on the phone. You’re to …’

  ‘Okay okay. I’ll bleedin’ call her. And?’

  ‘And it’s your turn to make the dinner.’

  ‘Me?!’

  ‘Yes, Aesop. You’re making the dinner. You think we’re all going to be waiting on you hand and foot for the rest of your life? There’s no women here now for you to plámás into feeding and watering you.’

  ‘But … but we had that big feed at lunchtime. Are you hungry again already, you big gorilla?’

  ‘Who’s stuffing his face with rubbish in front of me? It’s five o’clock now. What are we having? You don’t have to go mad. I’ll go out to the shop now and get whatever you need. Check the fridge there.’

  ‘But Norman …’

  ‘Go on.’

  Aesop sighed and walked over to the fridge.

  ‘Jesus, it’s packed.’

  ‘Grand. So what are we having?’

  ‘Hang on a minute.’

  Aesop rooted around in there, pushing things aside so he could get a good look at his options. He held up a plastic bag.

  ‘What’s this?’

  ‘Lettuce.’

  ‘Lettuce. Right. And how does that work?’

  ‘Come on Aesop, it’s frosting up out there already.’

  ‘All right, all right. Okay. I think we have everything. Will you just get some salad cream? Not mayonnaise or anything. Proper salad cream I need, right?’

  ‘What are we having?

  ‘A surprise.’

  ‘Right. Is that it?’

  ‘Yeah. That should cover it. Get some smokes too. And we’re out of beer.’

  ‘Okay. Give me money.’

  ‘I’ve to pay for it too?’

  ‘That’s the rules.’

  ‘Fuck sake. Okay. Here …’

  ‘Grand. I’ll see you in a bit. Jimmy, do you need anything?’

  ‘What?’ Jimmy was on the couch with his guitar, doing his warm-up exercises. ‘No. No I’m grand thanks. Or, actually, will you get some Ribena? I don’t want to get a cold with the tour coming up.’

  ‘No problem.’

  Norman grabbed his coat and went to the door. The whole roof seemed to shift and creak when he opened it and stepped outside.

  ‘Christ, there’s a fair wind coming up,’ he said, pulling up his collar and closing the door after him.

  The lads could hear his heavy footsteps walking to the car.

  ‘So what’s for dinner then?’ said Jimmy, looking over.

  ‘I’m going to make me signature dish.’

  ‘I didn’t know you had one.’

  ‘It’s bleedin’ magic. Wait till you see. What are you playing there?’

  ‘Ah, I’m just practising. A few scales and modes. Good for the fingers. This is a Dorian mode. Y’see, the Dorian mode comes from a minor scale …’

  Aesop held up his hand.

  ‘Hang on a minute Jimmy. Will we wait till Norman comes back before you explain? Because maybe he gives a bollocks.’

  ‘Nothing wrong with learning a bit of theory, Aesop.’

  ‘Ah, it’s all a load of me arse. Who gives a wank about the difference between diatonic scales and minor scales and all that bollocks?’

  ‘The minor scale is a diatonic scale, Aesop.’

  ‘Well I managed to become a rockstar without knowing that or giving a flying fuck, didn’t I? So it can’t be that important.’

  ‘Whatever, Aesop. But the Dorian mode is one of the …’

  ‘I knew a Doreen once. She was good for the fingers. But, Christ, she’d some gob on her.’

  ‘At least you remember her name.’

  ‘It’s buried in me brain! She had this mad habit of talking to herself as you were lashing into her. Mental. I mean, I’m all on for a girl knowing what she wants in the leaba, but … well, it’s only manners to direct it at the bloke that’s on top of her, right? But this one used to be cheering herself on. “That’s it … good girl Doreen … come on Doreen … oh, oh, we nearly had it that time … come on pet, that’s it, we’ll get the next one … concentrate now, Doreen … ” You’d swear she was coming for Ireland, the scrunched-up head on her, and didn’t want to disappoint the folks back home. Sure I was getting all caught up in it too, nearly joining in and everything, just to wish her all the best. After about an hour she told me to wait a minute, and disappeared out of the room. I thought she was going to come back in with a plate of oranges for fuck sake. But she was just changing her frillies. “It works better when I’m wearing this one,” she says. Bleedin’ spacer. It took another hour. I swear, by the time she got there I didn’t know whether to give her a kiss or a medal.’

  Jimmy laughed.

  ‘Gold?’

  ‘Jaysis yeah. After all that? Fuck sake, I spent the next week waiting for an invitation to the Mansion House.’

  ‘So c’mere. Are you going to phone Trish?’

  ‘Yeah. Jesus, I have to, don’t I? He’ll go fuckin’ spare if I don’t. But what are you s’posed to do in a situation like this.’

  ‘A situation like this? Aesop, this is a unique situation. Look, just talk to her. The longer you leave it, the harder it’ll be.’

  ‘But what am I meant to say to her?’

  ‘Just tell her the truth. Tell her you’re a fuckin’ eejit.’

  ‘She knows that.’

  ‘But she wants to hear it from you, doesn’t she? Just do it and then Norman will chill out and I won’t have to be fucking mortified the next time I see her.’

  ‘Yeah. I s’pose. But I don’t care what anyone says, she was acting al
l fucked up that night.’

  ‘As opposed to your own performance?’

  ‘She gave me the willies, man.’

  ‘Well I’m pretty sure she’ll be careful not to do that again. Now will you try not to talk for the next twenty minutes so I can finish this?’

  ‘Ah play something else Jimmy. Scales are boring.’

  ‘I have to do them for me tendonitis, don’t I? Go and start the dinner or something.’

  ‘It doesn’t take that long. I’ll wait till Norman gets back. Go on. Play something cool.’

  ‘Like what?’

  Aesop grinned.

  ‘Do “Cat Scratch Fever”!’

  ‘What? Fuck off! On an acoustic?’

  ‘Yeah, come on. I’ll sing. For the craic.’

  Jimmy laughed.

  ‘Okay. Okay. I’ll give it a go … hang on a minute till I get a key for you. And c’mere, if I get a blister trying to bend these strings, you’re dead.’

  ‘You won’t. C’mon.’

  Aesop watched Jimmy work it out and start the intro. This was brilliant. This was how they’d started, all those years ago. Two fuckin’ eejits and a guitar. Aesop watched Jimmy effortlessly find the right chords and notes. He probably hadn’t played this song in years but it was right there, like he’d written it himself only yesterday. How the fuck did he do it? Aesop had no idea. He loved the guitar, but he was shite at it. Compared to Jimmy anyway. The drums were easy. He couldn’t remember a time when he wasn’t able to play whatever he wanted on them. But Jimmy … Aesop would never be so gay as to actually admit it, even to himself, but he thought Jimmy was fucking deadly.

  *

  Aesop brought two big dinner plates over to the kitchen table, where the other two were waiting with something approaching trepidation. He held them up in the air over them.

  ‘Are yis ready?’

  ‘We’re ready. Come on, will you? I’d eat a scabby babby through a tennis racquet.’

  ‘Right, here ya go.’

  He plonked the two plates down on the table with a big grin.

  ‘Tuck in lads.’

  They looked at the plates in front of them and then up at each other.

  ‘Sandwiches?’ said Norman.

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘We’re having sandwiches for our dinner?’

  ‘Not just sandwiches, Norman. My special sandwiches.’

  ‘What’s in them?’ said Jimmy, picking one up.