Ride On

by Stephen J. Martin

  ‘Ah ah!’ said Aeosp. ‘No looking. You have to close your eyes and tell me what’s in them.’

  Norman had a sandwich in his hand now too.

  ‘Close your eyes!’ said Aesop again.

  ‘You’re not taking the piss now?’ said Jimmy. ‘There’s not fucking ash from the fire or something in them, is there?’

  ‘No! I’m telling you, they’re bleedin’ gorgeous. I came up with the recipe when I moved into the new gaff and had to start feeding meself.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ said Norman. ‘Cos if I break a tooth or something … I’m telling you …’

  ‘Will you relax? Okay. Eyes closed? Right. What do you think?’

  They both took bites out of their sandwiches.

  ‘Aesop …’

  ‘Eyes closed Jimmy!’

  ‘They are closed.’

  ‘What do you taste?’

  ‘Salad cream.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘Onions.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘That’s all I fuckin’ taste Aesop. Salad cream and onions.’

  ‘And salt?’

  ‘Eh … I s’pose. Maybe.’

  Norman opened his eyes as he swallowed the first bite.

  ‘Aesop, are you after making salad cream sandwiches for the dinner?’

  ‘You don’t like them?’

  ‘Fuck sake … you useless prick.’

  ‘They’re bleedin’ gorgeous! What’s the matter with you?’

  ‘How is this dinner?’

  ‘I eat this all the time!’

  ‘Well that would explain the pasty face of you. Jesus, there’s half a bloody pig in the fridge and cheese and eggs and all kinds of stuff for a proper salad, and this is what you serve up to us? And you wasted a whole sliced pan on them too, you fucking langer.’

  They’d both thrown down their sandwiches at this stage and were looking up at Aesop.

  ‘Lads this is gourmet shit, I’m telling you …’ he said.

  ‘It’s not, Aesop. It’s just shit,’ said Norman.

  He stood up and went to the fridge, pulling out the huge leg of ham and getting a chopping board and knife.

  ‘What are you doing?’ said Aesop.

  ‘I’m making proper sandwiches.’

  ‘But you’ll ruin them.’

  ‘Aesop, has anyone – anyone in your life – given you salad cream sandwiches for dinner.’

  ‘I eat them every day! Twice a day if there’s no beans in the house.’

  ‘Do you never eat fruit or vegetables?’

  ‘What do you call onions?’

  ‘Fuck sake. Jimmy, do you want some of this?’

  ‘Please Norman.’

  ‘Right. Do you, you fucking eejit, while I’m cutting it?’

  ‘No! I’m grand with the salad cream.’

  ‘This doesn’t get you out of making meals, Aesop. And you better start coming up with some new recipes or there’ll be trouble in this house, I’m telling you. And you can do the dishes and put everything away after you talk to Trish.’

  ‘Who put you in charge, you big bullying bastard?’

  ‘Dónal did.’

  ‘You’re only getting paid to make sure no one kills me.’

  ‘And you’re making me earn it too, aren’t you? Blowing kisses at Davey and winding me up about Helen, making that poor American lad cry like that …’

  ‘Well … you don’t have to go around slagging the dinner I made for you.’

  ‘Oh, you’re going to start sulking now, are you? We’re the ones who should be sulking Aesop, and the stomachs hanging out of us with the hunger at half past seven. Salad cream sandwiches …’

  ‘Well, if it’s such a stupid idea, why did they write it on the bottle then?’

  Aesop went over to the fridge, found the bottle and pulled it out, clearing his throat and reading.

  ‘See? It says it right here. “Perfect for Sandwiches”. Where do you think I came up with the idea?’

  Norman turned back to the chopping board.

  ‘Do you know the aerial sticking out of the roof of my van, Aesop?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Well, will you ever go out and hang your bollocks on it?’

  *

  ‘Yeah … yeah, he is … no, he’s doing the dishes. Okay … okay … here he is.’

  Norman handed the phone to Aesop, who was standing there with a teacloth and a wet plate. Aesop gave him one more pleading look, but Norman just frowned and jerked the phone at him. Aesop mouthed the word ‘fucker’ at him and took it.

  ‘Eh … hello?’ he said.

  ‘Hello.’

  ‘It’s Aesop.’

  ‘Yeah, I know. How are you, Aesop?’

  ‘I’m grand. How are you?’

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘Listen, I … I … eh … hang on a minute …’

  He took the phone away from his face.

  ‘What are you two fuckers looking at?’

  Jimmy laughed and started playing the guitar again. Norman turned away and started to put away the dishes.

  ‘Sorry about that.’

  ‘That’s okay. What can I do for you?’

  ‘Well, for starters, you can tell me that you weren’t hurt when I … did that awful thing that time in my gaff.’

  ‘You mean physically?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘I wasn’t. It was mostly milk, sure.’

  ‘Really? Oh. Well anyway, the other thing you can do is tell me that you forgive me for being a total muppet. I’m so fucking sorry I scared you like that. I was a bit on edge that night and I don’t know what I was thinking. I was all …’

  ‘Aesop, it’s fine.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Really. Don’t worry about it. Norman told me that there’s been someone following you. I suppose I can see how that might … get you all uptight.’

  ‘Ah, thanks Tracy. You’re very good.’

  ‘Trish.’

  ‘Oh fuck, yeah. Sorry. Trish.’

  ‘Anyway, is he looking after you down there?’

  ‘He is, yeah. Sure I’m no trouble anyway. Isn’t that right Norman?’

  Norman just raised his eyes to heaven.

  ‘We went to see Fungi yesterday.’

  ‘Yeah, Norman said that. How was he?’

  ‘Well, I didn’t actually see him meself. I had a bit of food poisoning and the boat was terrible rough. Every time I tried to look over the side, I kind of . . . puked.’

  ‘Oh. That’s a pity. You should go again. Hey, I’ll be down home in Sneem next week. Maybe we can hook up and go together?’

  ‘Yeah, deadly. I’m not sure if Norman wants to go again though. He’s seen him loads of times. And Jimmy’s hopeless. He’s got no interest in aquatic mammals.’

  ‘Well, we can go and see Fungi just the two of us then. I haven’t seen him in years.’

  ‘Eh, yeah. Great. Well anyway, I don’t want to keep you. I just wanted to say sorry for wrecking your dress and giving you a fright. Can I pay for the cleaning?’

  ‘Not at all. Sure it just needed a soaking. It’s not the first time, believe me. You have to get used to it in my job.’

  ‘Right. Ah, listen, thanks very much for not giving me shit over it.’

  ‘Forget about it Aesop. I already have. Hey, do I hear Ted Nugent in the background?’

  ‘Yeah! Jesus. That’s Jimmy messing. How do you know Ted Nugent?’

  ‘Sure don’t I have two big brothers? Mad rockers they were, when I was growing up.’

  Aesop laughed.

  ‘Yeah, me and Jimmy were just messing about earlier on the guitar.’

  ‘Cool. Well anyway Aesop, just forget about what happened before. Okay?’

  ‘Thanks. Well, look, how about I buy you and Norman dinner then? Can I do that at least?’

  ‘You don’t have to, Aesop. Really.’

  ‘Ah, I want to. Just to say sorry properly. Please?’

  ‘Well … okay. If you like. B
ut … Aesop?’

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘I … I was kind of hoping for a chance to see you alone. I want to just have a chat with you about something. In private, like.’

  ‘You want to … eh …’

  Aesop changed the phone to the other ear and lowered his voice.

  ‘You want …’

  ‘How about you buy just me and you dinner instead? Just the two of us? Or we could even meet somewhere? No need to mention it to Norman. He can be a bit … y’know …’

  Aesop swallowed and looked around. Jimmy was de-tuning to play some Foo Fighters and Norman was poking at the fire.

  Fuck. This wasn’t good.

  He moved towards the bedroom quietly and went in, closing the door behind him.

  ‘Just us?’ he said. ‘And … what do you want to talk about?’

  ‘I’d rather just meet with you. If that’s okay? There’s something I want to show you. Or … well, give you.’

  Aesop’s head was whizzing. What the fuck did that mean? Did she want to ride him again? Or … or …

  ‘Is it the picture from the Baggot? Because you can do that any time. You don’t have to go out of your way or …’

  ‘No, it’s not that. But it’s something to do with it all right.’

  ‘Sounds very mysterious.’

  Aesop tried a little laugh. Jesus, he was getting a headache. Why couldn’t this mad tart just leave him alone?

  ‘God,’ he said. ‘We don’t want Norman to get jealous, do we? Ha ha …’

  *

  Out in the living room, Norman turned away from the fire.

  ‘Where’s he gone?’

  ‘I think he’s in the bedroom.’

  ‘What’s he in there for? Is he finished talking to her? Where’s me phone?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  Norman stood up and looked at the table and the counter. No phone.

  What was he gone into the bedroom for? What were they talking about?

  He went over to the door and listened. He could hear Aesop talking in there, but he couldn’t make out what he was saying. He was practically whispering. What the fuck?

  Suddenly Norman could feel it. Like a bit of bread he’d swallowed before it was properly chewed, stuck in his gullet. He felt it like a faint nausea that hit the pit of his belly and started to move through him until he could nearly taste it in the back of his throat. Jealousy didn’t feel green to Norman. It was a roaring, thumping red. It was a blazing inferno. It was a vicious storm on the ocean. It was a boiling cauldron of something that twisted and squirmed, and it mocked him. He stepped away from the door and took a big slow breath.

  ‘More tea Jimmy?’

  ‘Hmm? Yeah, okay. Is it after getting a bit chilly in here?’

  ‘I put another log on the fire. It’ll catch in a minute.’

  ‘Grand so.’

  ‘Oh, I got coffee earlier. Coffee?’

  ‘Lovely. I’ll have a Wagon Wheel too if Aesop didn’t eat them all.’

  ‘Yeah, there’s a couple left.’

  ‘Is he still talking to Trish?’

  ‘He must be.’

  ‘Jaysis. Is that a good thing or is she reading him the riot act?’

  ‘Don’t know.’

  ‘I hope she’s giving him a right bollo …’

  Jimmy didn’t get to finish. There was a sudden roaring scream from the bedroom.

  ‘Arrghhh! Arrgh!! Jesus fucking … argghhh!! Hoh-leeeee fuuuuuuck!’

  A crashing sound followed by another quick bout of swearing exploded through the house.

  ‘What the fu … ?’

  Jimmy and Norman’s faces were locked onto each other for a split second and then Norman dropped the kettle onto the floor and before Jimmy could even register what was happening, he was at the bedroom door. He slammed down on the handle, but the door wouldn’t budge. There was another bang from inside.

  ‘Arggh! Help! Help! Norman!!’

  ‘Aesop, what’s going on?’

  ‘There’s a … a … ah Jesus! Quick!’

  ‘Oh fuck,’ said Norman. He rattled the handle again and when it didn’t move he took a step back.

  ‘Norman!’

  ‘I’m coming Aesop. Hang on …’

  ‘Jesus fucking Christ! Norman! Arggh …’

  The screaming was becoming more and more high-pitched and frantic and then Norman could hear one more crash and Aesop scrabbling at the door on the other side.

  ‘It won’t … it’s … it won’t …’

  ‘Stand back.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Get back from the door Aesop.’

  Norman shifted backwards again and then propelled his body into the heavy old timber. It exploded into the room. Before he even had a chance to get his bearings, a figure pushed past him, through the kitchen and out the front door. Footsteps pounded on the gravel outside and then faded into the night. Norman straightened up and looked around. The room was empty. He looked at the window. It was closed. Under the bed. Nothing.

  ‘He’s gone!’ he said, looking out at Jimmy, who was now clutching his knees and his guitar to his chest, completely white on the couch.

  Jimmy nodded.

  ‘He just ran out the door. Who the fuck is in there?’

  ‘No one.’

  ‘At all?’

  ‘No one. Look …’

  Jimmy got to his feet very slowly and put his guitar down. He grabbed the poker from the fire and peeked around what was left of the doorframe. Norman pulled the wardrobe open, Jimmy standing by ready to split anyone that might be hiding in there, but that was empty too.

  ‘What the fuck?’

  They both went back out to the kitchen. The only sound now was the wind howling in the front door.

  ‘Where did he go?’ said Jimmy.

  ‘Come on.’

  Norman led them out to the garden. There was no sign of Aesop.

  ‘Can you see him?’

  ‘Maybe he’s hiding.’

  ‘Aesop?’ called Norman. ‘Aesop, where are you?’

  Nothing. It was hard to hear anyway with the whistling and banging from the wind.

  ‘Aesop!’ shouted Jimmy. ‘Aesop!’

  ‘Out here!’

  It was faint, but it was coming from the road. They walked out through the gate and saw a shadowy figure standing about thirty metres down the road. It waved.

  ‘Is he gone?’

  ‘Who?’ said Norman. ‘Come back for fuck sake. Is who gone? There’s no one in there.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Will you come over here, Aesop. What the fuck happened?’

  Aesop started to walk towards them. He was shivering, dressed in only a t-shirt and jeans, no shoes and his arms wrapped around him. But he didn’t look like a man who was in the process of being butchered alive, which is exactly what he’d sounded like two minutes before.

  ‘Is he gone?’

  ‘Who? Who was in there, man?’

  ‘Did you go right into the room?’

  ‘Yes!’

  ‘He must have run out past you.’

  ‘Who? You were the only one who ran out.’

  Aesop stopped at the doorway and looked in.

  ‘Gimme that poker,’ he said to Jimmy.

  Jimmy handed it to him.

  ‘Okay. Nice and slow.’

  ‘Please Aesop,’ said Norman, when they were in the living room again with the front door shut. He wiped the sweat off his face, even though the house was cold now. ‘Jesus, you’re after scaring the shite out of us. What the fuck happened?’

  ‘A fucking big badger was in there.’

  ‘A what?’

  ‘Badger. I was talking to Trish and it just ran out from under the bed. I nearly fucking died.’

  Jimmy let a huge sigh out of him and sat down on the couch again. For fuck sake.

  ‘A badger?’ said Norman, looking at the splintered door into the bedroom. ‘Is that all, you prick?’

  ‘Yeah.�
��

  ‘A fucking badger?’

  ‘Yes, Norman!’

  ‘In February?’

  ‘Would you fuck off? I know what I saw.’

  ‘Aesop, badgers don’t be running about the place in February.’

  ‘Well someone needs to tell this fucker, because he was running around that bedroom a minute ago.’

  ‘You made me break a hundred-year-old door off its hinges because of a small little furry animal?’

  ‘Little? It was like a fat hairy child with a tail!’

  Norman walked over to the bedroom.

  ‘You fucking langer.’ He had his arms out in front of him. ‘Look what you made me do! I thought you were being attacked in there!’

  ‘I was! He came running out from under the bed, ran across me feet before I could even shit my pants, and then he started doing laps of the room and screeching.’

  ‘The only screeching I heard was from you. It was like a pig being slaughtered.’

  Jimmy looked over.

  ‘Jesus, Aesop, you fucking scared the crap out of us.’

  ‘How do you think I bleedin’ felt?’

  ‘Are you sure it was a badger?’ said Norman.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Did it have a stripey head?’

  ‘Did it have a stripey head? I was running for me life, Norman, not giving the cunt a shampoo.’

  ‘The door was locked. What did you lock the door for?’

  ‘I must have knocked the stupid fucking culchie latch thing down when I was trying to get out. Why can’t you have proper doors?’

  ‘And what were you doing in the room in the first place? Could you not talk to Trish out here?’

  ‘I … well … Jimmy was playing the guitar and I couldn’t hear her properly.’

  Norman turned around again, shaking his head.

  ‘Look at the fucking door!’

  Aesop looked.

  ‘You’re after wrecking your Granny’s door Norman,’ he said.

  ‘Am I?’

  ‘Your Ma’s going to batter you.’

  ‘We’ll have to get it fixed. Fuck ye anyway.’

  ‘And where am I meant to sleep tonight?’

  Norman pointed into the room.

  ‘In there. Why?’

  ‘I am in my fuck.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘With that fucking thing on the loose?’

  ‘He’s gone.’

  ‘I don’t give a wank. I’m not sleeping in there.’

  ‘Aesop, he’s gone.’

  ‘You show me his twitching corpse, and I’ll sleep in there tonight.’