Ride On

by Stephen J. Martin

  ‘He must have …’

  Norman bent over and looked under the bed again.

  ‘There. There’s a hole in the floorboard. That’s where he got in. Look …’

  Aesop leaned over very carefully.

  ‘See?’ said Norman. ‘Up against the wall …’

  ‘No. He didn’t come in there.’

  ‘How do you know?’

  ‘Sure that hole is only two inches across.’

  ‘Well that brings me onto the other thing I was going to say. It wasn’t a badger, Aesop. It was a mouse. And it wasn’t the size of a child either. It was the size of a mouse.’

  ‘My bouncy bollocks it was.’

  ‘Aesop, you’re a dozy prick and you’re paying for that door.’

  ‘I didn’t break it, did I?’

  ‘You scared the living daylights out of all of us, and it’s your fault the door is broken. Look at the face of poor Jimmy still. Come on, look at him …’

  Norman led Aesop back into the kitchen and pointed over to the couch.

  ‘Look at him! He’s fit to puke with the fright you gave us. And I thought I’d be going back to Dónal with you in a casket. Fuck sake. And the mess on the floor as well. I dropped the fucking kettle too, with you, you fool. What if it had been boiled already?’

  He sat on the armchair and ran his hands over his head.

  ‘Christ. I’ll have to talk to Mikey Pat about the door and … where’s me phone?’

  ‘Your phone?’

  ‘Yeah. Give it to me and I’ll call him now to see if he has any timber or will I have to drive to Millstreet.’

  ‘I … eh … I think I left it in the room.’

  ‘Well get it so.’

  ‘Norman?’

  ‘Yes Aesop?’

  ‘It might be broken.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I kind of threw it at the badger.’

  ‘You what?’

  ‘I threw it at the badger. I nearly got him! But he … well, he ducked and …’

  ‘Where’s my phone Aesop?’

  Aesop went into the bedroom again.

  ‘Norman?’ he called.

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘It doesn’t look good.’

  ‘Jesus.’

  Norman got up and went into the bedroom. Aesop was pointing at a mess of broken plastic in the corner.

  ‘Man, can you imagine if I’d hit him? He’d have been fucked. Look at the state of it!’

  ‘You total bastard Aesop. I only got that last month. It’s one of the new …’

  He stopped picking up pieces of it and looked around at Aesop, frowning.

  ‘You were still on the phone when the mouse ran out from under the bed?’

  ‘Badger. Yeah. We were just chatting, like.’

  ‘And what happened then? Did you say goodbye?’

  ‘Say goodbye? No. Sure I nearly pissed me pants! I started yelling and … oh. I see your point.’

  ‘So you’re telling me that you’re in the middle of a phone call to Trish, apologising for scaring her the last time you spoke to her, and then this mouse appears and you lose your fucking mind? Again?’

  ‘Maybe … maybe it didn’t sound so bad over the phone?’

  ‘Aesop, me and Jimmy thought you were being flayed alive! At what point in the proceedings did you throw the phone at the mouse?’

  ‘Badger. Right before you broke the door down. I was too freaked out before that to do anything except jump up and down.’

  ‘So one minute she’s shooting the breeze, everything’s cool, and the next minute all she hears is you screaming and yelling for help. That’s all she hears. She doesn’t know it’s only a mouse you saw. All she gets is a load of roaring and bangs and crashes and my name being shouted. All this and then the phone goes dead from you hopping it off the wall? Is that what you’re telling me happened? Is it? Aesop, is that a fair fucking description of the course of events?’

  ‘Well … except that it was a badger, and …’

  ‘I don’t care if it was a charging fucking elephant! You’re after doing it again, aren’t you? Christ, what did that girl ever do to you? What did I ever do to you that you can’t just let me have a girlfriend for a change?’

  ‘I … I didn’t mean to frighten her again, Norman. It was … the badger’s fault.’

  ‘Jesus man, are you trying to put the poor girl in therapy, is it? I have to call her.’

  He looked at the bits of phone he’d put on the bed.

  ‘It’s fucked, look,’ he said.

  ‘Use my phone,’ said Aesop.

  ‘And what number will I call?’

  ‘You don’t know it?’

  ‘Who remembers numbers any more, you langer? It was on the phone, sure!’

  ‘Is it not on the little card?’

  ‘No! I put them all onto the phone when I was swapping over from the old one. I’ve a whole new card and everything. There’s nothing on it at all!’

  ‘Sorry man. I don’t know what to do so.’

  ‘There’s nowhere open to even drive to at this hour to send her an email!’

  ‘Sure who reads emails at this hour?’

  ‘What are we going to do? She thinks we’ve all been murdered by your fucking stalker!’

  Norman sat on the bed next to the smashed phone, his head in his hands.

  Aesop stood there, trying to think of something to say.

  ‘Well …’ he said eventually. ‘Well, at least the badger didn’t spray the place with that smelly stuff they shoot out of their arses.’

  Norman just shook his head.

  ‘Christ, will you go away from me now, Aesop, will you? Before I do something terrible to you.’

  Chapter Seventeen

  Jimmy woke up to Norman knocking on the door.

  ‘Jimmy? You awake? I’m going over to Mikey Pat about the timber. You want to get up and get the breakfast going?’

  ‘Yeah. Yeah. What time is it?’

  ‘Half eight.’

  ‘Right.’

  ‘I’ll be back in half an hour.’

  ‘Grand.’

  ‘Tell Aesop to set the fire.’

  ‘Yeah. Seeya.’

  ‘Good luck.’

  Jimmy heard him go out the front door and then the van started up. He lay there with his eyes closed, frowning when he stretched and smacked one foot off the wall. Bloody bunk bed. This was the room where Norman’s young cousins slept and since he was the last one to arrive, he was stuck here. He’d forgotten to close the curtains and the sun was coming right in the window. The wind last night must have blown all the clouds away. There was no sound at all in the house. Not even in his head. The few days off hadn’t done much yet to set a spark to any of the latent music he hoped was buried in him somewhere. He’d had a laugh last night playing a few of his old favourites with Aesop, but his own holy well was still bone dry.

  He tried to stretch again in the cramped little single bed and got a sudden feeling of having lost his bearings. Like vertigo. Like the room was spinning. It wasn’t right. The bed seemed to be moving on its own or something. Earthquake? He opened his eyes and was greeted by the sight of two white legs and a bollocks hanging off the top bunk and dangling right in front of his face.

  ‘Jesus!’ he shouted, pulling his head back and lashing it off the wall. ‘Aw …’

  ‘Morning Jimmy.’

  ‘What the fuck are you doing up there?’

  ‘Well, I couldn’t sleep in the other room. And I thought, hey, maybe badgers can’t climb, so …’

  ‘Me fuckin’ head.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I’m after banging me … will you either get up or down off that bunk? Do you think that’s what I want to see first thing in the morning when I open me eyes?’

  ‘Am I near the ground? There’s no ladder on this yoke.’

  ‘Yeah. Just get down, you fucking tool.’

  Aesop dropped onto the floor and walked over to the window.

 
; ‘It’s nice this morning, isn’t it?’

  ‘Lovely. Any chance you could put a pair of jocks on? And get away from the window before someone sees you.’

  ‘Who’s going to see me out here?’

  ‘Well I don’t want to see you. Put some clothes on.’

  Aesop turned around.

  ‘They’re in the other room.’

  ‘Well fuck off and get them then. And Norman says that you’re to … what are you after doing to yourself?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Did you shave your … self?’

  Aesop looked down.

  ‘Ah yeah. Sure that’s all the rage now. Chicks don’t dig foliage these days, Jimmy. You need to take a trimmers across the chest, and then from the belly button down to the bean bag. And that’s a special job in itself. Do you not do it?’

  Jimmy just stared at him. Aesop came over, grinning.

  ‘Do you not do it?’

  He started grabbing at Jimmy quilt.

  ‘Give us a look.’

  ‘Go away Aesop.’

  ‘Ah c’mon. Show us your bush Jimmy.’ He had a fistful of quilt now and was trying to yank it away.

  ‘Will you … stop … will you fuck off, Aesop? Go away …’

  ‘Just a quick look …’

  ‘No! Fuck off. I don’t shave, only me face.’

  ‘You dirty big ape. Women are mad for shaved minges now on blokes. Sure they’re all doing it themselves and everything. It feels deadly man. Well, once you keep doing it. Cos if you let it come back … aw man, the itchies will drive you up the wall. You should try it. But, c’mere, make sure and grab a hold of your balls up and out of the way when you’re doing your hole, right? You don’t want to catch them, I’m telling you.’

  Jimmy still had his quilt wrapped around both hands and pulled up to his chin.

  ‘Thanks. Will you go and get dressed now? And you’ve to set the fire, Norman says.’

  ‘Yeah yeah. But do you want to borrow me trimmers? I swear, Jessie will be down on you like a felled tree. I have it with me. Do you want to try it?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘After you shaving your hole with it? I’m grand, thanks.’

  ‘But Jessie …’

  ‘I’ve never even met Jessie, Aesop. Is that how I should introduce meself to her? Walk up, stick her hand down me pants and tell her I heard she likes them glossy?’

  Aesop looked off to one side for a minute.

  ‘I don’t think she’d like that, Jimmy. She’d probably rather just … happen upon them, y’know? In her own time, like.’

  ‘If you don’t put jocks on right now, Aesop, I’m telling Norman you slept in the kids’ bed in the complete nip.’

  ‘What’s wrong with that?’

  ‘Do you want to see if Norman thinks there’s anything wrong with it?’

  ‘Eh … no. Not really. He’s already pissed off at me over last night. Jaysis. He’s like eggshells these days.’

  Aesop moved to the door.

  ‘Don’t forget the fire.’

  ‘What’s for breakfast? I can’t eat any more eggs. I think I’m after making meself allergic.’

  ‘Fruit salad. We’re in training from now on, Aesop. The tour’s in less than a month.’

  ‘Do we have any papayas?’

  ‘Papayas? In Cork? In the middle of winter? Of course we do. Isn’t there a field of papaya trees next door. Go out and pick a few and I’ll throw them in.’

  ‘I do like papayas. Ever since Thailand. Remember that? You never see them here.’

  ‘It’s far from fucking papayas you were rared.’

  ‘I used to love the way they were all juicy and …’

  ‘Aesop …’ said Jimmy, pointing. ‘Jocks? Please? Go away and let me get dressed and then I’ll see what exotic delicacies from the Far East Norman picked up with the salad cream last night.’

  *

  ‘Is he still out there?’ said Aesop from the couch. ‘Is he not freezing?’

  Jimmy was doing the dishes and could see out the window.

  ‘Yeah. Actually, I think he’s enjoying himself. I asked him could we help, but he just said he was grand. And that you’d only get in the way.’

  ‘How does he know how to make a door anyway?’

  ‘Ah, Norman learned all kinds of stuff in the army.’

  ‘Oh that’s what they do in the army, is it? Ah, right. Well that’s good. I was worried that if we were ever in a war we’d have to make do with guns and tanks and helicopters. But woodworking skills … Jaysis, that can be the difference between defending our borders against invasion and all of us having to learn Swahili.’

  ‘We’re going to be invaded by Uganda, are we?’

  ‘You can’t trust them Ugandans, Jimmy. South American bastards …’

  ‘Anyway, wasn’t Norman in Turkey that time? Remember when they had to help rebuilding a village or something after the earthquake? Villages need doors.’

  ‘I don’t remember that.’

  ‘He was gone for four months, Aesop.’

  ‘Ah, I could never keep up with the mad places that fucker used to go. I only remember the ones where he brought me back a pressie.’

  ‘Well anyway, he’s grand out there, look. It nearly looks like a door already.’

  ‘Will we go out and take the piss out of him? He’s far too happy out there with his hammer and his bucket of nails. C’mon …’

  Aesop walked out the door and Jimmy saw him through the window lighting up a smoke and saying something to Norman and Norman giving him the finger back.

  His phone rang. Dónal.

  ‘Heya man, what’s the story?’ said Jimmy. ‘Were you able to get hold of Norman’s bird?’

  ‘Yeah, no problem. She was in the book, so I just called her and told her that everything was grand and no one was hurt or anything.’

  ‘Brilliant. I’ll tell Norman. She must have been freaked out, was she?’

  ‘Well, when I told her who I was she went a bit quiet. I think she’s a bit suspicious about anything to do with Aesop at this stage. A mouse was it?’

  ‘So Norman reckons. He didn’t see it, but I’d still take his word for it over Aesop.’

  ‘He’s some gobshite.’

  ‘Stop. You should have seen him. You’d swear Norman’s Granny was back from the grave and chasing him around the room.’

  ‘Well Trish sounded okay after a bit. She’s working this afternoon she said, but I gave her your number so that she can ring when she gets a minute.

  ‘Cheers man.’

  ‘No problem. So anyway, how’s Cork. Relaxing?’

  ‘As much as it can be with Aesop around. Do you miss me?’

  ‘I do, yeah. But c’mere, I’ve a job for us.’

  ‘What’s that?’

  ‘We need to go to London. All of us.’

  ‘For what?’

  ‘Senturion want to start talking about extending the contract. They’ve a few ideas on the marketing side, and they said they want the bass-player thing sorted out too. And they want to talk about America. Plus, we sent over the Leet EP and they’re interested in that as well. Oh, and before I forget, I got a mail from Shiggy.’

  ‘Yeah, he mailed me too. He’s in Dublin next week for work.’

  ‘Well, we’ll see what Senturion have to say and then we can talk to him.’

  ‘Cool. So, when do we need to go?’

  ‘I’m thinking Thursday. Can you get back here? Or you could just fly straight from Cork or Shannon if you want and I’ll meet you there. Up to you.’

  ‘Well we’ll see what the craic is. All of us … you mean Aesop too?’

  ‘Yeah. We should all get together in the same room. If it’s contract stuff, he should be in on it. Anyway, it’d be good for him to meet everyone. He’s only met the head honchos once.’

  ‘Okay, I’ll tell him.’

  ‘Will you ask Norman to come too? Maybe he can keep the other bollocks
out of trouble.’

  ‘I don’t know if anyone can do that Dónal. But he’s probably our best bet all right. Right. That’s grand so. I’ll book flights for Thursday morning?’

  ‘Grand. I’ll email you the details and the hotel and all.’

  ‘Cool. All the best, man.

  ‘Jimmy, before you go, there’s something else … eh …’

  Jimmy caught something in his voice.

  ‘What’s up Dónal?’

  ‘You and that girl in London … Susan, right?’

  ‘Yeah. But I don’t think that’s happening any more. I talked to her a few days ago and I think she’s had enough. Wasn’t a happy camper.’

  ‘Oh. Right. Did she say why?’

  ‘No. Not really. She sounded pissed off though. Wasn’t like her. I s’pose it just sunk in that being with me was going to be a pain in the arse. With the band and all, y’know? She probably had the hump that she’d been wasting her time. It’s a bit of a … what about her anyway?’

  ‘Jimmy, I … I think I know what her problem might have been.’

  ‘What? What are you talking about?’

  ‘You know we have that clippings company working for us?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Well this morning they sent me all the latest reviews and stuff for the album, the tour dates, all that, right?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘So they sent me a clip from one of the English papers.’

  Jimmy was getting uneasy now. He sat down at the kitchen table.

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Jimmy there’s a photo of you in there. With Aesop’s sister.’

  ‘Jennifer? From where?’

  ‘I don’t know. I think it was just after the Vicar Street gig. You have your arm around her and she’s kind of reaching up to kiss you.’

  ‘What the fuck?! She was just thanking me for “More Than Me”. Marco was right next to her!’

  ‘Yeah, but he’s not in the shot. And the caption … eh …’

  ‘Oh fuck. What about the caption, Dónal?’

  ‘Well, it kind of says …’

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘Will I just read it to you?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘It says … “Collins’ new friend”.’

  ‘Jesus …’

  ‘Friend is in quotes. And then underneath, it has … “Jimmy Collins of Irish rockers The Grove is seen above leaving a popular Dublin nightspot with an unidentified brunette. Collins had been dating Susan Plester (27) of Kent since their meeting on idyllic Thai island Koh Samui last Summer, but is this the end of their whirlwind romance? A source close to the band says that Collins and Paul ‘Aesop’ Murray, drummer with The Grove, have been thoroughly enjoying the trappings of their new-found fame. Ms. Plester (below) was unavailable for comment.” It’s only a small little thing in the gossip section, Jimmy, but …’