Everyone burst out in laughter. “He did? I can’t picture the big bad Romeo getting taken down by a bunch of babies! That I would pay money to see!” Vince was literally gasping for breath.
The guys took a seat and started an instant replay of everything that had gone down, bringing only more laughs and lightheartedness to the room. Brody and Leland were busy giving awesome details of the day when Bella turned to Joker and whispered, “Thank you.”
He reached over and put his hand on top of hers, lightly caressing. With a wink, he just smiled. Instead of him pulling away, he left it there for the rest of the talk until the kids joined them. Somehow, it made her feel so much better and was a huge comfort, but also made her mind heat up at the meaning behind it. Bella quickly dismissed it, thinking there was no way it was meant for anything other than a brotherly sign of affection. Throughout the day however, he had touched her in small little ways, sticking close to her side. By the time dinner was over and everyone was heading to their rooms or cabins, she found herself leaning into each small little caress wanting more. Her mind kept repeating over and over it was from lack of human contact and because she just wanted that physical support from someone who was like a brother, but her body seemed to think otherwise. More and more she thought about it, and looking back realized he had been affectionate more and more lately. The reaction she was having made her feel ashamed, as if she was betraying Jared, so rationalizing it as nothing was easier.
Joker had loved the kids’ reactions to the team’s efforts today. Instead of it being something to hide from or be upset, they had managed to turn it into a fun way to remember their father. If he had to do this every day just to bring a smile to their face, he would. Bella had smiled more today than she had total since Jared’s death. Seeing the three of them like this had been the best gift he had ever received.
For some odd reason, he couldn’t resist touching her tonight. Every chance he got, he needed to feel her in some way. It was almost like a drug—shaking him more and more with each tender brush of skin on skin. Maybe he was getting soft. Never in his life had he wanted to snuggle or cuddle, hold hands or do any other types of endearment for that matter. When she didn’t pull or shy away, he couldn’t resist. Whether from his mind trying to cope with the loss of his best pal, or something totally different, he didn’t care. She made him feel good.
The more the night progressed, the more his conscience ate at him. This was his best friend’s widow for fuck’s sake. How could he be acting like this? He needed to pull his shit together and stop this. There was no reasonable excuse for him to be responding this way. She was vulnerable, he was upset himself, and somehow he had twisted it all up to be something more in his head. It was time to back off before he screwed up royally.
Bella had noticed the way joker had flipped like a light switch. One minute, he was sweet and affectionate, the next distant and cold. There was no doubt why. Somehow, her fucked up brain had obviously misinterpreted his actions as coming on to her, and instead of seeing it was wrong, she fell into it. They always say that grief will cause you to do and act erratically, and she had proved this perfectly. Shit. There was no way she could lose what they had. He was the one person in the universe she trusted totally and needed. One little detour due to shock from the loss of someone close couldn’t ruin their friendship. She had to talk to him and fix it. Bella got up and walked out on to the porch, motioning for him to follow without being noticed by the others. His eyes narrowed in question, but he did slide through the team without so much as a second glance.
The second he walked out the door, her throat closed. She knew what needed to be said, but couldn’t choke out anything but a weird gurgle. He watched on confused, not knowing whether to give her the Heimlich or give her a hug. “Bella? Are you okay?” The sincere concern rang through in his voice.
Finally, she got the lump to move just enough sound came out. “No...yes...I don’t know.” Fighting back the all too familiar and frequent tears that stung the back of her eyes, she pressed on. “I…I can’t lose you, Joker. You are the only thing that is keeping me from totally losing my ever-loving mind. I am trying so hard, and I know it isn’t good enough. The kids don’t deserve this, and…you don’t deserve this. You have been there for me more than I could have ever dreamed of.” Before she could go on, she had to pause to rein in the emotions that flooded her.
“Bella, don’t. It is okay, really. To be honest, I have used you just as much to help me through it all. If it wasn’t for you and those kids in there, I would be in the same hole you are in. I can’t imagine what you are going through. Hell, I can’t cope myself…without you.” He paused, seeming to want to say more, but unable too. She knew what he was thinking, and wanted to fix it before it was too late. With the tiny bit of strength she had left in her, she spit it out.
“Joker, I feel it too. I know that it seems wrong, but I don’t want to be this person. You make me better. I need you.” She couldn’t bring herself to speak her heart and just tell him she had feelings, but hoped and prayed he knew what she was getting at. He stood, gazing across the fields silent. Tension masked his handsome features, appearing hard and somber in the silver cast from the moon. As the cold air sunk to the bone, so did her hopes. Just before she made a run for it, he turned and closed the few steps between them.
It was no secret Joker was fighting an inner battle of doing what felt right, and doing what he thought was right. There was no way he could walk away from her, and chances were no way he could keep from touching and being close to her. “So, what do we do now?” He reached out and took her hand, running the pad of his thumb over her palm consoling her gently like a mild sedative. She smiled up at him, relieved and scared all at the same time. There was no answer. With a shrug, she whispered, “We just...go…and heal.” Her words seemed so vague, but crystal clear. He rolled it over in his mind a good long time, watching the innocent emotions wash over her beautiful features. She was fighting the same war as he. It was time they both were on the same side and fought together. Instead of answering, he pulled her in close against him and pressed a kiss to her forehead. He held her tight for the longest time, reveling in how perfect she felt. When the door swung open they both jumped away.
“You two okay out here?” Michael’s voice wavered through the night air. He stepped out, holding two huge down coats.
“Yes, thanks. We were just getting a bit of fresh air.” Joker glanced at him, giving him the look he hoped would prevent any further questioning. Michael nodded, handing them each a coat before turning to go back in.
“Don’t stay out too long. It is mighty cold tonight. If you want some peace and quiet, the basement is vacant. That’s where I go to get away from everyone from time to time.” He offered Bella a smile and walked back in, shutting the door behind him.
“Here, let me help you.” Joker reached to help her into the oversized coat, putting it behind her to make it easier for her to slip her arms in.
“Thanks. I need to get the kids home and ready for bed anyway.” She turned to walk back in, surprised to feel him brush up against her back as she stepped through the door. After a round of good-bye’s and the kids corralled and ready, they walked down off the porch.
****
“I’ll walk you guys home.” Instead of heading in the direction of his own cabin, he followed the trio down the dirt road.
“It is just down the drive, Joker, you don’t have to do that,” Bella protested politely.
“No, we want Unk Joker to come watch movies with us!” Skyler spouted out.
“You have school tomorrow, mister, and you need a bath still. No movies until tomorrow night. Maybe he can come hang out with us then.”
“That sounds like a plan, but I am still escorting you home safely. Come on, my little monkey, jump on and I will give you a piggy back ride.” Joker turned to Heather and crouched down, allowing her to climb on.
“Yee haw! Ride ‘em cowboy! Ride like the wind, Uncle Jo
ker!” Heather fake spurred him, earning a broncing run to the door. Skyler took off after them, shooting his finger and playing the bad guy. Bella just shook her head and laughed, happy they were all in such great spirits.
Once they all made it inside, Bella sent the kids straight to the bath and bed before collapsing on the couch. “Joker, I can’t begin to thank you enough. What you did today…” her voice trailed off, unable to finish the sentence from the lump that had formed in her throat.
Joker sat beside her and pulled her against him, wrapping his arm around her shoulders. “Bella, don’t. No thanks is necessary, ma’am.” He drawled in a thick, fake, southern accent, tipping an imaginary hat. Leave it to Joker to crack jokes to lighten her mood. “No, seriously, don’t thank me. Get used to it.” His sultry brown eyes flashed between a light honey and a deep chocolate like a chameleon, making her breath catch in her chest. Maybe her eyes were playing tricks on her…or she needed sleep. Heck, by the weird things she was feeling, and shouldn’t be, maybe she was asleep. The warmth that was radiating from his body made her sink into him more, relaxing with a comfort that was unknown and yet so familiar at the same time. She slowly laid her head down on his chest and sighed, allowing herself for the first time since Jared’s death to truly enjoy a moment without ruining it with random thoughts and chastising herself. Her eyelids fluttered shut, allowing her mind to hone in on the sensations and feelings she felt. She almost jumped in surprise at the instant tingling his touch created as he trailed his fingers up and down her arm in an affectionate nature. The sweet smell of cologne wafted up her nose, mixing with a smell that was uniquely his. Bella had never noticed it before…but now it was as if she couldn’t ignore it. Without realizing, her hand moved up to rest on his chest, rubbing lightly in small circles. The sound of his heart thudded in her ear, accelerating at her touch and bringing notice to her actions.
Startled, she stopped, feeling her face heat in a redness of humiliation. Joker didn’t say a word. Instead, he continued trailing his fingers up and down her arm, caressing and rubbing in a gentle, calming manner. Slowly she relaxed once again, shutting her brain off to avoid any thoughts to stop the feeling of being cared for with what she missed so much.
After about twenty minutes, Joker shifted under her, sitting her more upright. Instead of breaking the long silence, he stared deep into her eyes and she swore he could see directly in her soul. Her heart flip-flopped against her ribs, signaling what was coming next even if she was in a deep denial. Ever so slowly, he leaned in and brushed his lips against hers, allowing his breath to flutter against her mouth with each pass. Panic gripped her chest, and he must have sensed it because instead of pulling away, he clasped her hand in his in a reassurance and moved in for the kill. “If you don't want this, stop me now.” Instead of the feather light pecks as before, he kissed her. His tongue teased and licked the seam of her lips tauntingly, begging for entrance. A searing heat flushed her flesh, heating up parts that had been dormant for so long. Insecurity and guilt fought for control, but desire won out. She had plenty of time later to think. Right now was just this—a simple kiss. With that, she opened and returned his advances, sinking against him to meet his tongue swipe for swipe. Together they explored, falling into a needful inferno that only grew with each passing moment.
Joker’s free hand skirted up her side, landing to rest on the crook of her neck as an anchor to pull and guide her closer. With a sudden detonation, he took it from sensual to demanding. Lips crashed, tongues licked, and mouths sucked up and down in a frantic path from mouth to neck. Bella reciprocated his advances, using her hand to explore and feel the hard muscles of his toned chest through the soft fabric of his shirt. Her fingers dug in, reveling in the touch of what could possibly be solid marble. “Joker.” Her voice was a throaty, breathless whisper. There wasn’t a soft spot on the man. Her mind floated into a space where time didn’t exist and the world didn’t turn. It was only her and him. Joker seemed to be falling prey in the same way, taking her higher and higher with every passing moment. “God, Bella, you are perfect.”
A blood-curdling scream cut through the air like a knife, skidding them both to an abrupt stop and slapping them back into reality. Heather! Bella jumped up and took off in a dead run toward her daughter’s room in a full blown mommy panic. When she busted in the door, Heather was sitting up crying and holding her teddy bear tight. “Baby, what’s wrong!”
“I had a bad dream. The bad people were here to get me. They said they were going to kill me, you, and Sky like they did daddy.” Tears flooded down her little round cheeks. Bella rushed to her side and scooped her up, holding her tight and caressing her in soothing touches.
“Oh sweetheart, no one is coming to get you. You are safe, I promise. Mommy’s got you.” Bella rocked her, humming a melodic tune. Heather soon settled down, snuggling tight against her chest. Out of the corner of her eye she caught sight of Joker watching and a brick wall of guilt rammed into her at once. Oh my God, what have I done? What if the kids would have walked in and seen? How could I ruin the friendship with the one person we need the most? This time, she fought the tears.
Joker caught the split moment Bella caught up to the situation. Her features went pale as a ghost, and he knew he had made a huge mistake. Fuck! I just made out with my dead best friend’s wife for shits sake! What the fuck was I thinking? It took every ounce of will power not to slam his fist in the wall. Seeing her upset only made things worse. The longer he watched, the more his mind reeled. You were thinking that you have feelings for her, stupid. She is your responsibility, don’t fuck this up. The strange words popped up from his subconscious, leaving more puzzle pieces to the already huge jumbled jigsaw that was scattered in front of him. His heart lurched for Heather… and now for Bella. He wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around them both and make it all better, but instinct took over and fleeing seemed the only reasonable action to take before he made a bigger mess of the situation. This whole night had been a really bad accident. He couldn’t let it happen again…and risk losing the three that meant the most to him. Jared would beat the shit out of him for touching her, and right now he wished more than anything that he was around to knock some sense into him.
Just as he started to turn and walk out, Heather saw him. “Unk Joker! Will you sleep with me tonight and keep the bad guys away?”
Joker darted his eyes back and forth between Heather and Bella, not sure how to answer. He was dead center in the spot, and frozen like a deer caught in the headlights…only in this case he felt more like a skunk caught under the tire. Bella was speechless. He couldn’t run now. Not after everything that had happened. Hoping that the two girls didn’t notice his hesitance, he closed the distance between the bed and door and sat on the side, rubbing Heather’s face softly. “Of course I can, princess. I promise you that no one will ever hurt you, your mommy, or your brother. I will stay as long as you want.”
Bella kissed her forehead and got up, giving him room to lie on the twin sized bed next to her. “I will be on the couch if you need me, baby. Get some sleep, okay?”
“Okay, mommy. I love you.”
“I love you too, Heather.” She gave Joker a questioning glance and left, leaving the door open. It touched her heart that he was there to soothe her, but broke her heart that it wasn’t Jared. Jared was their father. Was it right to let Joker fill those shoes? If she didn’t, was it right to make the kids do without when their daddy was never coming back? Yes. Jared would want the kids to have someone to love them and help take care of them. There was no way in hell she could ever let his memory be forgotten, but making them stop living was not what he would want. With a somewhat settled head, she laid down and covered up, hoping that sleep would take her soon and let her escape all of the thoughts that plagued her every single day. As she closed her eyes, one thing kept floating across her mind—Joker’s sweet smile. Then it hit—could she have feelings or ever love again when she would always be deeply in love with Ja
red?
The rest of the night she spent tossing and turning. Her mind refused to shut off... It kept tumbling over and over with pictures of Joker helping with the kids and hugging her, then Jared floating into the picture pissed and hurt. All night, the same images flashed over and over again. The two-hour sleep she did get before the wretched alarm blared in her ear were definitely not enough, and left her feeling like the walking death. Guilt had planted a seed in her stomach more than normal, and now it threatened to consume her. Hoping Joker was already gone, she tiptoed into Heather's room to get her up. She had to pause at the door to gather her wits, slowly pushing it open and saying a silent chant, 'please be gone' repeatedly. When she finally stepped into the room, she sighed a deep huff of relief. Joker was gone. Her hands shook as she flipped the light switch, and she had to shake her head at how absolutely silly she looked. Why was she so worked up? Now, she could do her best to avoid him for the rest of the day, and things could blow over like they had never happened.
****
Joker had laid awake all night, unable to figure out what the hell to do. On one hand, things were better in his life than they had ever been. On the other, he was a fuck head of a best friend for feeling and acting the way he was. So, there was the dilemma. Either lose his honor and respect from the one person that had always been there for him no matter what, or gain a wonderful, beautiful, bright, sexy... Shit! I have to stop this now, damn it! Friends. We are friends. I am helping her and the kids. That's it! I can't do this!
At four o'clock in the morning, he had bolted. Well, more like ran away with his tail between his legs to hide, was more of the appropriate term. Ever so quietly, he had managed to slide his arm out from underneath Heather's head, find his shoes in the dark, and sneak out undetected. He knew he would have to come up with a good explanation when he saw her later, but hopefully there were new leads or intel that could take his mind off the whole disaster, and act as a buffer to let the situation ride over without a second thought. As he walked out of the door, Romeo and Dom were riding by to do the morning feed and rounds to check on the animals. Fuck my luck.
Broken Battlefield, Mended Hearts (Breaking Protocol Series Book 2) Page 13
