Never Surrender: A MacKenzie Family Novella (The MacKenzie Family)

by Kaylea Cross

  He shook his head once. “I don’t want to fight.”

  She shrugged, the motion tight, defensive. “I don’t want to fight either, but I can’t just pretend everything’s fine between us. I’m not built that way.”

  Yes, he knew. “Okay, then tell me what you meant before. What can’t you do anymore?” The deployments? Them being apart all the time?

  “The missions. The flying. The lifestyle. Everything.”

  He blinked in surprise. “But you love flying.”

  She shook her head, more hurt bleeding into her expression. “Sometimes I feel like you don’t understand me or listen to me at all.”

  He frowned. “Of course I listen to you.” But she was going to need to spell this out for him because clearly he didn’t understand.

  “No, you don’t, because I’ve already tried to explain this to you. I used to love flying. But not since that mission out there with you. I’m done. I want out, only I don’t know what to do after that, and for months I’ve been on my own in D.C., flailing, trying to figure it all out while you’re overseas, and when I do turn to you for support and advice, I get told to suck it up and stay in. Like you don’t give a shit about my feelings.” She blinked fast, her eyes filling with tears, and it slayed him.

  What? “I never told you to suck it up.”

  “Pretty much. You told me what to do instead of listening and caring about how I felt.”

  Had he? After thinking about that for a moment, he realized that yeah, maybe he kind of had, but he hadn’t meant to be insensitive. Now he felt bad for the way he’d handled this. “I didn’t know it was this bad for you. Do you need to talk to someone again? About what happened?”

  She narrowed her eyes at him. “I don’t need therapy or a shrink to fix me, Ryan. What I’m going through is completely normal.”

  “Okay.”

  She pulled in a deep breath. “I’ve served my country and I’m proud of that. Proud of my service. I’m strong, I’ve dealt with a lot, but I need a change, and even if I don’t know what that looks like yet, I expected you to at least try to understand and be supportive.”

  The accusation in her eyes made him wince internally.

  “You make me feel completely alone, like you don’t care about my feelings or what I’m going through. Do you know what that’s like? To not be able to depend on the person you love the most?”

  Her words slashed at him like knives. God, he’d had no idea she felt this way.

  Those dark eyes held his, unflinching. “When we were trapped out in those mountains, I knew you had my back. I knew you’d do whatever it took to get me out of there. And I’ve been nothing but supportive of you and your career. But now, when I’m struggling and needed you, I feel like you weren’t there for me—and it had nothing to do with you being overseas.

  “You could still have been there for me even though you were half a world away, but you weren’t. You let me down and that hurt so bad because you’re my husband and I thought I could always count on you to have my back, no matter what.”

  Ryan stared at her, his chest constricting. Jesus, he felt like a total asshole. He barely resisted the urge to rub a hand over the back of his neck. “I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he murmured, feeling like shit. The next words weren’t easy for him, but he said them anyway. “I’m sorry.”

  The hurt in her eyes faded, replaced by something that looked a lot like hopefulness.

  “I didn’t know you were dealing with all of that.” He’d thought she was handling everything fine, had never realized the extent to which that mission still affected her. She’d seemed to bounce right back afterward and returned to work, and he’d just assumed everything was okay again. Yeah, she’d mentioned it a time or two in the weeks and months that followed, but he hadn’t understood what she’d been trying to tell him.

  Damn, and when he thought of her going through all that alone, feeling abandoned while he was on the second of back-to-back combat tours and they had only limited communication…

  “I’m sorry,” he repeated, not knowing what else to say. All he knew was he felt awful and he couldn’t stand not touching her a moment longer, so he pulled her into his arms, hoping she wouldn’t push him away.

  To his relief she sighed and slipped her arms around his waist, easing the raw ache in his chest. “Okay. Thank you.”

  Relief washed through him. He hugged her tight and pressed his face into her hair, breathing in the herbal scent of her shampoo. “You can always count on me to have your back,” he murmured, hating that he’d made her feel otherwise. That she’d even questioned it. “I’ll always be there for you. It’s just sometimes, even when you tell me things, I guess I don’t always get it.”

  She snorted softly, her cheek on his shoulder. “Yeah, I noticed. But after the first few times I tried to talk to you about it, things started going downhill fast, so I didn’t bring it up again while you were away. I didn’t think it was fair to keep fighting about it while you were over there, just…you know, in case.”

  In case something happened to him.

  He understood why she’d done it, even appreciated it to a point. She’d withheld all this until now to protect him in her own way, worried about him being distracted over there, but it wasn’t worth the cost. Not when the alternative was her stewing about it all this time while he remained clueless and it drove a wedge between them.

  “You don’t need to protect me like that. Not from anything to do with us.”

  Another shrug. “It wasn’t something we could resolve over the phone or by e-mail while you were gone, so I wanted to wait until you were back.”

  He sighed and released her, catching her chin in his hand and tilting it up so she met his gaze. “Well, I’m back. Or I will be as of tomorrow night, and we can figure everything out together after that. Okay?” They were a team.

  She nodded and lowered her gaze. “Okay. Thank you.”

  “So you forgive me for being an insensitive asshole?”

  Her lips quirked and she looked up at him again, relief and humor warming her gaze. “Mostly.”

  “Thanks.” Firming his grip on her chin, he bent his head and covered her lips with his in a slow, thorough kiss.

  She melted into his hold, opened for him. He growled into her mouth as blood surged to his groin. It had been a long time since they’d had make-up sex. He mentally calculated the time it would take to get her back up to the room and strip her naked.

  Candace pulled back and gave him a wry, knowing smile. “Rain check.”

  Damn. He cupped her cheek in his palm, holding her gaze. “I’ll do better, okay? From now on I’ll try to listen better.”

  “Okay. I’ll do better too.”

  He was so damn lucky to have her, and it was a relief to know she wasn’t still mad at him. “I love you.”

  “Love you too.” She hugged him tight, then stepped back and checked her watch. “We better get going.”

  “Yeah.” He knew he was truly forgiven when she reached for his hand as they turned toward the stables. He squeezed her fingers in reply, glad they’d dealt with this.

  They still had a lot to iron out between them but at least they’d gotten past this first big hurdle and once he got back he was going to make time to fix the rest of it. Candace was the best damn thing that had ever happened to him and he was going to make sure she knew she could count on him no matter what.

  The stables were a seven-minute walk from the main lodge, down a gravel pathway that wound through the gardens and around the duck pond.

  Set at the top of a slight knoll, the barn-red building was as well maintained as everything else around here. Pastureland spread out behind it as far as the eye could see, disappearing down a rise that gave way to some woodland. In the background stood the mountains they would head to today.

  Candace walked alongside Ryan with their fingers laced together, feeling lighter than she had in months. They still had more to talk about once he got back from the bac
helor party trip—like how she felt like she came in last with him sometimes—but at least she’d gotten the worst of it off her chest and he now understood what she’d been feeling these past few months.

  It was a good start, anyway, and she felt way more positive about the future than she had an hour ago.

  Erin, Dev, and Maya were already gathered around the corral when she walked up with Ryan, the guys standing out in front of the barn next to their mounts. Cam lifted a dark blond eyebrow at them beneath the brim of his dark brown cowboy hat, a piece of straw sticking out of the corner of his mouth. “Lost track of time?” he said to Ryan.

  “Hey, you know how it is. Gotta keep getting shots downrange, because shooting skills are so perishable. Don’t wanna get rusty.”

  Cam laughed. “So you were busy cleaning and oiling your weapon, I guess?”

  “Yep.” Ryan ogled Candace, then gave her a leer. “Course, my fast-movers always hit the targets I lase.”

  She rolled her eyes at the horrible pun, actually looking forward to some downtime without him now that her anger and resentment weren’t eating her up inside. “You guys are ridiculous. Go take your excess testosterone and get your horses saddled.”

  “You love my excess testosterone,” Ryan murmured in her ear, sending a rush of tingles through her.

  She did. And it felt so good to be able to joke with him again without the tension gnawing at her. “You’re bad. Go.” She lifted up to kiss him once more, then pushed him toward the wrangler standing with a clipboard near the barn door.

  “You Wentworth?” the man asked.

  “That’s me,” Ryan said, and strode over. Candace couldn’t help but admire the sight of his butt in those jeans. Yum.

  The wrangler took off his hat and scratched his head. “Got a slight problem. We weren’t expecting a last-minute addition to your party. All the rest of our horses are already out for the day with other guests, and your buddies got the last of our trail horses. Only one left is that one.” He nodded behind him.

  Candace followed his gaze, noticing for the first time the animal standing half-asleep in the shadows the barn cast in the far corner of the corral.

  Ryan did a double-take. “Wait, that?”

  “That,” the man confirmed.

  “What the hell is it? A donkey?”

  The wrangler’s mouth twitched at the same time as chuckles broke out from the rest of the group watching. “That there’s Poncho. Half American mammoth donkey, half Icelandic horse.”

  Ryan stepped closer, an expression of disbelief on his face, and Candace bit her lip to hold in a giggle. “I’m supposed to ride that? Up there?” He jerked his chin toward the distant mountains.

  “’Fraid so. He’s all we got left.”

  Scowling, Ryan stepped up to the corral fence and eyed the weird-looking animal dubiously, already shaking his head. “I weigh two-twenty, and it’s what—a four-hour ride to the ATV pickup point?”

  “Closer to five. On him, maybe more like six. Not a problem about the weight. Poncho can handle you, but we’ll have to divide your gear amongst the other horses, just to be safe.”

  Ryan turned his head to shoot Candace his trademark are-you-fucking-kidding-me look she recognized well, and everyone started to laugh. His mouth tightened. “Fine, whatever.” He stuck a hand over the fence. “C’mere, Poncho.”

  “Yeah, he’s not gonna come when called,” the wrangler drawled, nimbly hopping the fence and walking over to retrieve the animal by the halter on its face. “And you’ll find he’s pretty set in his ways, too. Real stubborn.”

  “Ryan’s the same way, so I’m sure they’ll get along fine,” Candace called out. Maya snickered and Wade looked like he was struggling not to burst into laughter.

  After some grumbling and signing the mandatory waiver, Ryan waited while the man saddled Poncho and brought him over. Candace slapped him on the back. “Have a good time, honey!”

  He shot her a dark look and bent to accept the kiss she offered. “Yeah. Good time.”

  “Well, better than the little donkey you rode in Afghanistan that time, right?”

  He grunted, looking none too impressed by the turn of events. When he strode over to take Poncho—who stood with his eyes closed and his long ears sticking out sideways from his head—from the wrangler, the animal’s back only came up to Ryan’s waist. “How’s this gonna work?” he demanded, scowling again.

  The wrangler grabbed hold of the stirrup. “Well, you put your left foot in this stirrup here—”

  “Yeah, I got it.” Jaw tight, Ryan grabbed the saddle horn, put his foot in the stirrup and hoisted himself onto the animal, his long legs damn near touching the ground.

  “We’ll have to adjust the stirrups some,” the wrangler mumbled, and went to work shortening the stirrups. He looked so ridiculous that Candace couldn’t keep from laughing. She whipped out her phone to snap pictures.

  “Hey, he’s a low rider,” Wade commented, already mounted on his own horse, which towered head and shoulders over poor Poncho. Of the group, he and Jackson were the natural cowboys. Both of them had grown up riding.

  “Fuck off,” Ryan grumbled, and shifted in the saddle. Poncho didn’t so much as open his eyes, his lower lip sagging open as he carried on sleeping, standing up.

  “Y’all ready?” Wade called out, checking the others behind him.

  “Yep, good to go.”

  Wade winked at Erin. “See you in a couple days, baby.”

  “Have fun,” she called back.

  “I’m already having fun,” he said, smirking at Ryan.

  Ignoring him, Ryan let his inner clown out and hammed it up for Candace, tipping his hat at her as she recorded some video. God, he was adorable. “Later, little lady. Come on, Poncho. Let’s ride.” He nudged his heels into the animal’s sides. Poncho jerked but didn’t open his eyes.

  “Sometimes he’s a slow starter,” the wrangler said, and hurried over to slap Poncho’s rear with a loud thwak. Poncho’s eyes flew open, his ears went back, and he shot off in the opposite direction Wade had gone.

  “Hey, Went, wanna race?” Jackson called back, a cocky grin on his face as he followed Wade at a trot.

  “We’d better stop and give him a head start,” Cam said, and he and the other two stopped their horses.

  Ryan shot them a venomous glare, pulled hard on the reins to get Poncho going in the right direction, and hurried after his buddies. Male laughter rang out from across the pasture and Candace was giggling so much she was having a hard time keeping her phone steady.

  “Woohoo, ride that pony, cowboy!” Jackson hollered, taking off his hat and giving a loud Yee-haw! as he waved it around his head in encouragement, then exaggerated his drawl. “Ride’m like he’s never been ridden before!”

  Candace could barely see through the tears of laughter in her eyes. Maya, Dev, and Erin were all gathered around her, howling at the hilarious spectacle before them.

  To his credit, Ryan held his head high as he rode Poncho past the guys, the animal’s ridiculously tiny steps adding to the comedic factor. Hoots of laughter rang out.

  As he pulled away from them, Ryan proudly raised one arm and held his middle finger up over his head for them all to see as he rode off toward the mountains…at approximately one-point-three-miles per hour with his boots nearly dragging on the ground.

  Chapter Five

  “Come on, Poncho, I know you can,” Ryan coaxed in a singsong voice, nudging his “horse” in the ribs to keep him going.

  He’d told the others to carry on to the ATV pickup place without him, since it was clear he’d added an extra hour to the trip. Poncho’s ears pricked up and he walked faster, his hooves tramping over the grass at an endearingly fast pace, considering his short little legs.

  When they crested the next hill, the hunting cabin came into view at last. “Yes,” Ryan groaned, looking forward to stretching his legs and drinking a well-deserved cold beer before starting the next leg of the trip.

&n
bsp; Poncho seemed to know the end was near too, because his head came up and he hit an all-time speed record for the trip, his little legs eating up the distance to the cabin. The others were waiting outside with the ATVs when Ryan got there and dismounted, and the wrangler from the stable was there to take Poncho, brush him down, and let him eat for a few minutes before loading him into the trailer for the drive back to the resort.

  “Hey, you made good time,” he said to Ryan with a grin as he took Poncho’s bridle.

  “He hit a new gear once he saw the cabin.” He turned to his buddies. “Somebody get me a damn beer.”

  “I got you, bro.” Jackson tossed him a cold can from the cooler.

  “I’d say you’ve earned that,” Cam said with a grin.

  “Damn straight.” He’d be bowlegged for a week after that endurance ride. Ryan sighed and nursed the cold brew while the others strapped their gear to the backs of the ATVs. “Please tell me I get a regular-sized one this time.”

  Wade chuckled and bungee-tied their two-man tent to the back of his vehicle. “Yeah, you’re good.” He straightened, glancing at the sky. “Sun’s already starting to sink over the mountains. We need to get moving.” He looked at Ryan. “We’re on federal land from here on out.” He’d checked prior to setting up this little trip. “You good to go?”

  “Yep.” He drained the beer, stowed the can, and climbed onto his ATV. The moment he started the engine, he grinned. “Oh hell, yeah, that’s what I’m talkin’ about.” He revved it and cut a sidelong glance at Jackson. “Hey, Thatcher. Wanna race now?”

  “Hell yeah, I do.”

  Grinning, Ryan took off toward the mountains. For the next three hours they took turns trying to outmaneuver one another, being guys, and trying to see who could spray the most mud on the others every time they hit a puddle. After back-to-back deployments, he needed this downtime with his buddies.

  By the time Wade took the lead and stopped to check his compass, it was nearly sunset. “Here’s good,” he announced, swinging one leg over the center of the ATV to dismount. “We’ll set up camp somewhere around here.”