Giant Book of Jokes, Riddles, and Brain Teasers

by Michael Dahl

  What is a cross between star and led?

  Star-t-led

  How did Peter get across the Nottafoot River without a boat?

  He walked — it was only 11 inches deep

  When Xavier would turn in his homework, his teacher knew which paper was his, even though he always forgot to sign his name. How did she know?

  He always did the Xtra credit

  What do angry quilters make?

  Cross stitches.

  Why did the rope cross the road?

  Why “knot”?

  Why didn't the crossword get the answer?

  He was too puzzled!

  What can you find at the intersections in church?

  Look for “cross” walks.

  Why did the letters cross the road?

  It was EZ.

  How do roads talk?

  They use “sign” language.

  Words to Know

  Comedy: A type of amusement that relies on humor to entertain people. Funny stories and actions are often used in a comedy routine.

  What's am I?

  I grew up in Pennsylvania telling funny stories and making people laugh. My big break came when I told a few jokes on TV. I am a very well-known comedian and had a family TV show named after me. Who am I?

  Bill Cosby

  When the water ran across the floor of the pool house, no one panicked. Why?

  They were hosing off the floor

  When the plane crossed the sky at a weird angle, the control tower knew there was trouble and called for help.

  The plane's radio was out and the pilot was too far away to signal. How did the tower learn of the problem?

  The pilot was a sky writer

  Otto was really confused when he received a letter from his eye doctor that read: “Tsn't tt about ttme you came tn for a vtstt?” What was wrong?

  Otto'si's were crossed because he was cross-eyed!

  PERFECTLY AT HOME

  Katherine's room is too far away from the bathroom to hear whether someone is using the shower. And yet, Katherine knew that her mom had taken a shower this morning. What tipped her off?

  The shower was still wet

  What do the words “end,” “multiplication,” “kitchen,” and “coffee” have in common? Hint: They are all adjectives for one noun.

  They are all a kind of table

  Daniel filled a bathtub up to 1 inch from the top. No more water was put in it, but it still overflowed. How can that be?

  He got in

  Words to Know

  Teasing: Teasing is bothering, annoying, or taunting others by making fun of them. Some teasing is just for fun — nothing to get offended about — but sometimes teasing becomes mean and should be stopped.

  What's am I?

  You may have laughed at the troubles of poor old Charlie Brown, a cartoon character I created. I drew and wrote about Charlie and all the rest of the “Peanuts” gang to make others laugh. Who am I?

  Charles Schulz

  Why did the poltergeist try to scare the gambler out of his house?

  Idon't know, but he didn't have aghost of achance.

  What do builders write on?

  Construction paper.

  Why did the actor get fired?

  Because he brought the house down.

  What did the old block name his son?

  Chip.

  Why did the plug-in have to stay home?

  She was grounded.

  Why did the cow and the moon have to eat out all the time?

  Because their dishes ran away with their spoons!

  Why did the hammer get into trouble?

  Because he hit the nail on the head!

  Where do roses sleep?

  In aflower bed.

  How did the window know which bugs were good?

  She screened them.

  How many sides does a house have?

  Two — an “in” side and an “out” side.

  What kind of dance did the porch learn?

  The two-step.

  Why did the bee have to stay home?

  It had hives.

  TRY THIS

  Tommy's Tennis Tongue Twister

  Try this tongue twister: Tommy tied 20 tiny tennis shoes. After you say that 5 times fast, how about making up a few of your own to try on your family and friends? Here's a hint to making new tongue twister — pick a consonant (in the case of this tongue twister, it's “t”) and then try to come up with a bunch of words with that consonant.

  FUN FACT

  TWIST AND SHOUT

  Tongue twisters have been entertaining people — tying up their tongues — for years. Many tongue twisters have made their way into children's books and collections. A good tongue twister is almost impossible to say quickly.

  What's So Funny?

  One day, while Goldilocks was on her way to the Three Bears' house, she got distracted. Eventually, she remembered where she was going and arrived at the cottage in the woods, just as the bears were leaving for their walk. As Goldie opened the door, she gasped! What's so funny?

  The bears had already eaten!

  “The longer it goes, the shorter it grows.” What is it?

  A burning candle

  Bob and Bill decided to build a tree house. They've got a tree with a trunk that's 15 feet tall, so they decided to build stairs that go up the tree. Unfortunately, all they have are 6 boards. How far apart do Bob and Bill need to nail the 6 boards so that the stairs are evenly spread out?

  2.5 feet from the center of each board

  Half a House?

  Seems like the builder only finished half of this very fancy house. Can you complete the job? Draw the other half of the house, copying the first half square by square.

  Next, figure out what letter goes in each box, below. When you are finished, you will get the answer to this riddle:

  TRY THIS

  Dream, Dream, Dream

  You can try to figure out what you or someone else's dreams might mean. If you look in a dream encyclopedia or dream interpretation book, you will see what some people believe are the meanings or clues behind the things you may dream about — for example, falling can symbolize a loss. Of course, in order to interpret your dreams, you first have to try to remember them when you wake up.

  Bathtub, toilet, shower — what's missing from this group?

  Sink

  As Barry's mom walked through the house she saw a bag of candy in the entryway and a wrapper in the dining room. By the time she reached the kitchen, she knew Barry didn't like the candy very much. How did she know?

  He had spit the candy out in the trash can

  Why did it take the ant so long to get home?

  It was “uphill” all the way.

  What do pans like to eat?

  Pot pies.

  Why didn't the china hutch like to be teased?

  He could “dish” it out, but he couldn't take it.

  What state covers more ground than any other?

  Floor-ida!

  Why did General Custer sit in his chair all the time?

  Because he had made his last stand.

  Why did the chicken run out of the house screaming?

  It couldn't take being “coop-ed” up in the house!

  What did the windows do when they saw the storm coming?

  They shuttered!

  What did all the king's horses and all the king's men say when Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall?

  He was agood egg!

  What do 24 hours do at night?

  Call it aday.

  Why couldn't the chair be fixed?

  It would cost an arm and aleg.

  How did the tools get the truth out of the wood?

  They drilled it.

  Why didn't the window have any money?

  It was broke.

  Marissa is writing a school report on her computer at home. The other night, a virus invaded her computer and her report got all jumbled. Can you tell what this sentence was and
what the report was about? Here is the sentence: Sometimesth eyli keto eatho lesincl othing, especially things made of wool.

  The sentence is, “Sometimes they like to eat holes in clothing, especially things made of wool.” The report was about moths.

  Mr. Axeman the carpenter asked his assistant Woody if he knew the three things that make a pen different from a pencil. Do you know?

  The three things are the letters “c,” “i,” and “l”

  What's am I?

  I wear a striped shirt and big glasses, and I'm a part of many puzzle books. You can try to find me in pictures, where I may be skiing on a mountain full of people or hiding out in a gigantic shopping mall. Who am I?

  Waldo from Where's Waldo?

  Which Window?

  Roberto lives in a big, old house that has been turned into a bunch of apartments. Use the clues below to figure out which window is his.

  The window to the right of Roberto's has a plant on the windowsill.

  The window above Roberto's has no shade.

  Roberto's window has curtains that his mom made for him.

  Roberto's window does not have a shutter.

  EXTRA FUN: Read the letters in the windows from bottom to top, and right to left, and you will find the answer to this riddle:

  Which side of a house gets the most rain?

  Fun House

  Can you find 24 funny things in this living room? When you're finished, see if you can figure out what's so funny about the answer to this riddle:

  FUN FACT

  EGO MANIA

  Did you know you have an “ego”? Your ego is your “self.” Many believe it is the main force behind your personality — it's who you really are.

  How do you make a house using only 6 nails?

  Take 4 nails and lay them out in a square, head to point; then put the other 2 on top of the square to make the triangle roof.

  When Breanna went to Brittney's house, she had planned to be there for breakfast and lunch. To make things simpler they had brunch. What did they end up missing?

  E, a, k, f, a, s, t, and l

  When an ice sculptor left his house on Wednesday, he had 4 beautiful swans in the freezer. Yet when he returned on Sunday, they were gone! No one broke in and there is a logical answer. What could have happened?

  He left the freezer door open

  How does Rover stay out of the dog-house?

  He buries the evidence.

  What do bathrooms in outer space have?

  Meteor showers.

  Why did the porch tell the steps to knock it off?

  They kept “stair-ing”!

  What do homes wear when it gets cold out?

  House coats.

  What does every floor of the house have to have before bed?

  Bed time stories.

  What do you call a hat that follows you everywhere you go?

  A stalking cap!

  Why didn't the outside of the house understand what was so funny?

  It was an “inside” joke.

  What did the swingset say to the sand-box when the teeter-totter arrived?

  Wow! Did you SEE what I SAW?

  How can you tell when a toilet's not well?

  It's flushed.

  What's an envelope's favorite part of the house?

  The “seal-ing.”

  Why did the colander have to go to the doctor?

  It was alittle strained!

  Why couldn't the ball player ever go home?

  He was out in “left” field.

  Words to Know

  Dream: A group of thoughts, images, and feelings that you experience during the REM (rapid eye movement) portion of your sleep. Another type of dreaming is day-dreaming — imagining something while you are awake.

  What's am I?

  I invented a test that used 10 different inkblots. These images helped psychologists try to understand how a patient thinks by what the person felt he or she was seeing in the blots. Who am I?

  Hermann Rorschch

  Mrs. Smith lives in a 20-story apartment building. She lives on the 15th floor, and yet she never passes by the 13th floor. What's the explanation?

  Because 13 is thought to be an unlucky number, some apartment buildings don't have a 13th floor

  Jasmine's dining room table has enough room for only 6 people, yet every night 8 eat there. How can that be?

  There are 6 human family members plus the dog and the cat — the yeat under the table

  One night 2 burglars broke into the Joneses' house. As soon as they were inside, they heard a voice. The burglars got scared and left. No one was home, so whom did they hear?

  The announcer on the radio, which Sally Jones had forgotten to turn off

  Every time Clarence went into the house, something went wrong, very wrong. Clarence would gain weight only to instantly lose it again. Once he even swore he was shrinking. But the next day he felt taller than ever. Why?

  Clarence went to a fun house with distorting mirrors

  Liza lives in a grey house, while Lisa lives in a house that's gray. What's the difference?

  The spelling of “grey” and “gray”

  TRY THIS

  Inkblot Tests

  To create your own inkblot guessing game or test, you will need 10 blots. To make them, all you need are 10 pieces of paper folded once and then opened. Pour a little bit of paint on one side of the paper. Then, refold the paper, pressing gently on the blot. Open the paper again and let the paint dry. Now all you need is someone to test. Start by asking, “When you look at this picture, what do you see?”

  How did the tools get from the house to the tool store?

  The compass gave directions, while the screwdriver drove.

  When the princess arrived at the castle and found the new labyrinth, how did she feel?

  Amaze-d!

  What does Sir Galahad turn on when he gets scared at night?

  Aknight light.

  In Centerville, it normally takes 2 days to send a letter from one house to another — 1 day to mail it, and 1 to have it delivered. But Mrs. Smith always receives her mail the same day it is sent. How can that be?

  She married the postman!

  How could the carpenter know how tall to make his door just by using his hands?

  He could cut the door according to his arms pan, because your arms pan is the same as your height

  LET'S PLAY SPORTS

  What's So Funny?

  Keep Pedaling!

  Lance Pedlin is a famous biker who can pedal for hours on his bike. One day, he got on and started pedaling, and he kept going and going, but when he was done, he was still where he started. What's so funny?

  He was on his exercise bike

  What happens when a clumsy football player plays ball?

  Afield trip.

  Why did the racecar driver jump into the pool?

  He wanted to put in afew laps.

  Why did the golfer have to buy new shoes?

  He had a “hole in one.”

  What did the high diver wear to his wedding?

  A“swim” suit.

  What does Dracula take with him when he goes to a ball game?

  His bat.

  What do dolphins wear to the beach?

  Swim fins.

  Words to Know

  Sense: The ability to see, smell, hear, touch, and taste all of the things that you come in contact with are made possible by your 5 senses. Your brain relies on the senses to perceive the outside world.

  TRY THIS

  It's Not Funny to Me!

  No two people have exactly the same sense of humor. If you want to see this for yourself, you can conduct a little experiment. Find yourself 5 jokes and 5 volunteers. Read each joke separately to your volunteers, then write down who laughed at which ones. When you are done, you can chart your results and compare them. What did you discover?

  If there are 9 players on a baseball team and 11 players on a football team, how many swimmers are th
ere on the swim team?

  Any number — swim teams vary in number of teammates

  The mountain climbers had almost reached the top of the cliff when their rope began to fray. For each inch they moved, 2 strands would break. The climbers had 49 inches to go, with a 100-ply rope. Will they make it?

  Yes

  When is 8 not twice as much as 4?

  When you're trying on shoes

  Amanda is an excellent swimmer. She can hold her breath for 2 minutes. She can also swim 300 yards in half an hour. So, can Amanda swim 25 yards without coming up for air?

  No, she would only be able to go 20 yards

  What did one twine say to the other right before he fell into a hole?

  JUMP, ROPE!

  Why did the tennis players get into so much trouble?

  They were making alot of “racket.”

  Where do basketball players settle their arguments?

  In “court.”

  How do swimmers get where they are going?

  In car “pools.”

  What sport did Little Red Riding Hood play best?

  “Basket” ball.

  What sport is after “nine”?

  Ten-nis.

  Night Games

  Start with the number 1 and connect all the dots in order.