Absorbing White

by Charlotte E Hart

  “Well, yes, interesting indeed, but I still need to go out so I’m afraid it’s-”

  I don’t know why I bothered. Three strides is all it takes for me to start screaming as I’m hoisted over his shoulder, giggling like a child. Teeth sink into my thigh as his fingers tighten and I catch an amused smile coming at me from the study in the form of Pascal as we go by. “Alex, please.” I squeal as I try to stem my laughter and catch my hat, which has tumbled to the floor. A very healthy swat lands on my arse, making me yelp out again. God, I love him when he’s like this – fun, happy and relaxed. “Put me down. I really have to go shopping.”

  “No.” We’re now in the dining room. It really does look very Christmassy, and I’d happily spread myself out for him, but I have to go.

  “Alex, don’t make me safe word you.” He stops and leans down to swipe at the things on the table, pushing them out of the way so he can make room for the Christmas Eve lunch he intends to eat. “I really mean it.” It’s my last-ditch attempt to stop him before the Chess word comes out. Pascal arrives at the door and looks at us, that look of amusement now embedded in his stare as he scoops up my hat and crosses his arms to lean on the frame. I’m in so much trouble. I throw my hands out to him for support of some sort. I’ve no idea why, as if he knows why I need to go out.

  “Alexander, it is imperative you desist,” he says, quite forthrightly. It’s very much his dominant tone and I freeze a little in anticipation of what’s coming next. My arse is suddenly swung around towards Pascal as Alex turns and probably glares at the command. “It is a very appealing thought. However, I believe it may be in your best interests to put her down for the time being. I can drop her off on my way to the airport.”

  After a few minutes, Alex’s tense grip is softened and I’m slowly lowered to the floor. Wow, okay, Pascal’s on board. I like him more today, as if I ever really like him less.

  “I want you back by three.” It’s all I get as he lets me go and walks out the room in a huff. It’s a definite huff. I move to walk after him as he knocks his way past Pascal, but I’m halted by a hand and a slow shake of his head.

  “Let him think about himself for a while. His present will be worth his infuriation, I assume? Hmm? What do you have in mind?”

  “No idea at all,” I reply as he drops the hat back on my head and offers me his arm. He chuckles and picks my bag up from the stairs as we wander along the hallway and into the kitchen again. Lord knows where Alex has disappeared to. Three turns later and the garage door opens to reveal the beautiful array of vehicles, one of which has Alex climbing into it and slamming the door behind him as the main entrance opens up.

  “I love you,” I mutter quietly as Pascal fetches the keys for the Aston. The bleep of the alarm makes me jump a little as I watch the man I adore leave without so much as a backwards glance. What have I done now, for God’s sake? I had hoped this emotional rollercoaster would disperse now that we’re on the right track, now that I’ve told him I’ll take everything from him, and now that he’s being honest.

  “Do not concern yourself with his frustration. It is self-imposed and therefore of no importance to you,” Pascal says, looking around aimlessly. I think it is of importance actually, huge importance. I’ve just been shunned because I said no to something, again, all for his benefit, I might add. Pascal’s still fidgeting. It’s bloody awkward and very distracting.

  “What are you doing? You look ridiculous, and very un you,” I snap in irritation.

  “I miss my cane. I feel quite bereft without it.” Well, that’s his present sorted then, not that I’ll ever find one as good as his. Maybe I should just give it back to him, or share it with him. I’ll have a talk with Alex about it later, if he’s fucking talking to me by then. “Come, let us go. I have a plane to board.”

  We both slide into the car and I gaze at the dust still kicking off the drive as the door closes behind us, and wonder what I’m going to have to deal with later. Yet another unknown response to a perfectly normal situation – will he ever be less confusing? Hot then cold, black then white, happy then angry. Fucking twilight worlds and bizarre Alexander White oddities. A hand lands on my thigh as we head out onto the main road. It’s comforting to some degree so I blow out a breath and look across at him with a small smile. Sometimes I think I understand him better than I do Alex. He’s far more honest about who he is. It’s written all over his every move.

  “Why are you so much easier to read than he is?” He chortles to himself and straightens his perfect green tie. I have no idea why he bothered. He still looks overly handsome.

  “I am not easy. I am a performance, my rose, a show that must go on. You read only what I allow you to. Do not presume to understand that which has no reality or depth. Your reality is with him alone. I am simply an added extra as one might say.” What the hell does that mean? I roll my eyes at the wing mirror and stare out into oncoming traffic instead. It’s less confusing. As if Alex isn’t conundrum enough. I need to talk to him about all this, need some confirmation in my own mind as to what the hell is going on, regardless of how comfortable I may be with it.

  Twenty minutes later and we pull up outside of Harrods and he walks around the car to open my door. Very gentlemanly I’m sure. If only the gawping females that have suddenly appeared knew a thing or two about what he’d like to do to them. My crotch unfortunately twitches at the thought. He smirks. It’s no longer funny. Does he know my inner slut’s thoughts, too? Jesus. Present shopping, then Belle, and then baking the cake while getting Christmas lunch prepared for maybe only two people.

  “Let me taste those lips. It may douse the tedium that is to come,” he says out of nowhere as he slams my door behind me. Really? Here?

  “I don’t think…” Apparently, that wasn’t the correct response because I’m dipped into an exaggerated dance hold and lavished with an exquisite set of lips in the middle of the high street. I’d like to say I fight him off, but I really don’t as he pulls me back upwards and releases me with a sinfully wicked smile.

  “I shall see you in Berlin in three days, my rose,” he calls as he rounds the car and opens the door. Nothing else, no goodbye – he just leaves me there, panting like a sodding dog as I hear the giggles of women around me and watch him drive off. Wow, well that was interesting. Am I supposed to have done that, openly? I need a serious conversation with Alex about this sort of shit.

  Flicking my eyes around, I scan for anyone I might know and hurry my arse into Harrods to see what I can find for Christmas presents. At the same time, I delve into my bag to dig out my phone to call Belle. The moment I do, I catch the handle of the blade again. I have to get rid of that. My eyes flick around nervously, just in case the knife police are around, but unfortunately they land on Teresa, standing about ten feet away from me. Oh shit. I smile in reply to her cross-armed stance, trying for casual. She saunters over with her I know better face on. Shit, shit, shit.

  “Hi,” she says. “Great to see you. You look fantastic. You want to tell me why you were just kissing Pascal Van Der Braack out there?”

  Shit. Bollocks. Of all the people to bump into… At least it’s not Belle, I suppose.

  Oh, this is going to get messy.

  ~

  Three hours and a very stern telling off from my best friend later and I’m sitting at a small coffee shop on my own, trying to figure out how the hell I’m supposed to tell Belle the truth. She’s meeting me here in ten minutes, along with Teresa, and I have no idea how to even begin to explain what’s going on. Teresa made complete sense at the time with her “You can’t lie about this stuff,” speech. I’m sure she’s right, and I’m positive Belle deserves the truth, but how do you tell someone about this sort of lifestyle choice? The royal bitch fest from Teresa was bad enough, because of course she’d worked it all out in the three minutes she had to look at me flustering around outside with Pascal. She’d just glared as I opened my mouth and attempted a lie of sorts, just held her hand up and then point
ed towards the restaurant. At no point did she give me a chance to deny anything, and to be honest, I hadn’t got the will to try anyway. I need to talk to someone about all this stuff. I need an outsider’s opinion on things. I can’t spend my time with both of them and just take their word as law, can I? It felt good to nod my head when she asked and know that someone else understood, even if it did take a bit of explaining on my part. And although she was shocked at first, probably a little angry, too if I’m honest, she was typically Teresa, my friend first and my adjudicator second. She hugged me as I tried to explain with tears running down my face. I don’t know why they were there. Maybe it was just the relief of actually admitting it all to someone. Clearly she knew what we were into but she certainly didn’t know Pascal was involved, and much as she may have been pissed off with me, she just sat and listened for a while, let me get it all out if you will. I stared at her as she bitched at me about being honest with the people that loved me, to stop pushing people away and at least give them a chance to comprehend the basics so they could help. ‘They’, being her and Belle, obviously.

  So now I’m sat here, outside because the shop is crammed full of people, drinking a disgusting coffee, scanning the street for them to both turn up and waiting for Belle to berate me some more. If she knows about Alex’s past, the murdering bit, I’ll have no hope of convincing either of them that this is okay. Murderer, abused child and part of a threesome… This is not going to go down well at all. That I love him and that it’s none of their business what we get up to will not be good enough. I could walk away from this lunch with no sister and no best friend because of the man I’m in love with. Merry Christmas to me. At least I found a present for him, kind of. It wasn’t from Harrods, either.

  I watch the street until I see her height above the crowd, her red hair standing out over her thick, white winter coat as she strides along and shuffles between the crowd. I’ve got to find a way to just tell her and hope she gets it, hope she understands and just says, okay, snotbag, it’s okay. Then suddenly, I see blue hair behind her. Oh my god, she’s with Conner. His frame comes into view as I stand up and wave my hand at them. Every worry disappears as I watch her smile in response and wave back at me. Just the fact that she’s back with him makes this somewhere near worthwhile. He wraps his arm around her shoulder and barges his way past a gang of youths that are in the way. All of them look up at him and nod their heads, as if they respect the rocker who just pushed past them. I’m not surprised by their appraisal. Little would anyone know that he’s possibly the richest computer geek out there. Belle giggles at something and my heart melts at the sight of them together again. Whatever happens in the next half an hour, I know she’ll be fine now. Whatever Alex did, or whatever he said, it worked as much as I really wanted it to. Regardless of whether she accepts me and Alex, or the Pascal situation, she’s got her man back, and that’s all I need to know. I beam as I see him rest his forehead on hers. She closes her eyes and leans into him as they blindly push through towards me. Pure love is so uncomplicated when you get down to the core of it. Just take all the irritating other things out of the equation and let yourself love completely. Feel it in your soul and smile in the face of adversity as if it hasn’t got a chance of beating you down or driving you apart. Be strong, love with your whole heart, accept all past mistakes and move on to something even more spectacular.

  Alex.

  “Hey, Snotbag,” she says as she leans in and kisses me on the cheek.

  “Hi,” I reply, as I move the chairs around so there’s enough space for us all. Conner leans in and kisses my cheek then winks at me.

  “You’re looking hot, Beth. I’m not surprised given your new arrangement. Two, eh? Kinky bitch,” he says as he holds out a chair for Belle and then hovers behind her with his hands on the back of it. What the fuck? My eyes fly to his as I inwardly pray that nothing else falls from his mouth. God knows what he knows about Alex.

  “Umm, I’m not sure what you’re talking about to be honest, but nice to see you too, Conner.” More shuffling of chairs ensues. I have no idea where to look. “Anyone want a coffee?” I may be able to make a run for it, if I’m lucky.

  “I told her,” he says. Told her what? Shit, what the hell is he talking about? I close my gaping mouth and turn back to Belle, who has a very good impression of Alex’s eyebrow going on.

  “Yeah, he told me. Interesting choice.” What the fuck does that mean? I should leave. The fact that my feet are frozen to the floor and I can’t speak really isn’t helping me at all. Eventually, their combined stare prompts me to find actual language again.

  “You told her what exactly?”

  “About Alex’s decision to finally turn bi.” Oh my god! Language rapidly disappears again.

  “I... I’m...” I flick my eyes around in the hope of some kind of miracle. Namely Alex or Pascal arriving to save me from my public mortification. Not that I care about the bisexual bit, obviously, although how the hell does he know that’s a possibility? I shake the thought away because this is my sister, who knew nothing about any of this, or so I thought. “Going to get some coffees,” I eventually say. Coffee, yes. Queuing for coffee will give me ten minutes to think, to find a way of making this sound normal, to some degree anyway.

  “Beth, sit down. Conner will get them. He’s going to meet one of your men anyway so we can talk properly, openly maybe, honestly.” Honestly, okay. My arse slowly slides its way back onto the metal chair to do the honesty thing.

  “You and Conner are good again then?” I’m just trying to avoid the topic to be fair. Perhaps she’ll forget.

  “Shut up, you idiot. When were you going to tell me you’re part of a threesome? What possessed you to keep this from me, for fuck’s sake?” Clearly not.

  “I didn’t really know, not officially anyway,” I reply as nonchalantly as I can, trying for utter control over the situation. “And why did Conner feel he needed to tell you my personal business anyway?”

  “He promised me he wouldn’t hide anything from me anymore, not it if it might cause problems between us,” she says. I can’t argue with that, so I nod my head and try to look anywhere but at her. “And didn’t know, my arse. How long has it been going on?” Okay, here we go.

  “Well, it sort of hasn’t. Not yet,” I reply quietly. “Well, it hadn’t until New York, but then I got out of the car earlier and Teresa was there and she saw me and Pascal together and I didn’t know what to say. She told me I had to tell you, so I called you to see if you’d calmed down about the Alex thing and to find out if you were still coming for Christmas, and then I see you with Conner, which is great by the way.” Oh, it’s all tumbling out now. I can’t control my mouth in the slightest all of a sudden. “I suppose I was going to tell you now. Not that I’ve got my head around it completely, and I’m more bothered about you being okay with Alex because I love him, Belle. I can’t not be with him. I just can’t, and I don’t want to have to choose. Please don’t make me choose. This is me now. I don’t know where it’s come from but it’s just me. This is all me. He hasn’t made me do anything. Well, apart from the New York thing, but that was different. He was trying to show me something. And yes, he’s got a past, but he doesn’t force anything on me.” That’s not quite true. He sort of does in reality, but he has my consent. My smirk at the thought doesn’t go unnoticed as she smiles back at me and puts her hand on top of mine. “I’m just me, Belle. I’m-”

  “Doing absolutely fine, honey. A bit of a mess, yes, but I’m not surprised anymore. You should have just told me. I could have helped.”

  “How on earth could you have helped?”

  “That’s a very good point, but I could have tried. Us big sisters do know a thing or two, you know.”

  “About this? I don’t think so.” She’s so not pulling the big sister thing on this one.

  “No, okay, but I do know a little about what he’s been through. I could have offered insight into that fucked up brain of his, helped you se
e past the shit. Although, it appears you’re doing alright all by yourself,” she says as Conner arrives back at the table with three large coffees. One takeaway.

  “Right, babe, I’m going. See you back at home later, okay? This is way too deep for me to get into. Beth, just do them both and keep being awesome, will you?” he says as he leans in and kisses her. “I’m going to get him drunk now. I have a big thank you to say. Not sure what he said, but it worked.”

  “Bye,” she says as he waves his hand and wanders off into the crowd.

  “Home?” I ask.

  “Yes, home. Given that you’re moving out, I thought I might too, at some point.” Giggling happens, lots of giggling as we sit there looking at each other.

  “You’re really doing it?”

  “I still don’t trust him, Beth. Alex, I mean, but he talks some sense when he’s not being a dickhead. Let’s hope you can keep that honesty up. You’re a big girl like you said, and I can’t make your decisions for you anymore. If you think he’s worth the risk then he must be, for you. I’ve got my own life to live. Besides, I came onto him and he turned me down. He’s the first one who ever has.”

  “You what?”

  “Took my clothes off in front of him. He didn’t budge an inch, said his cock was thinking of you. I thought that was a fucking good response to be honest.”

  “I can’t believe you-”

  “Oh, stop it. It’s boring. Tell me about Pascal. Have you done him, too? What was it like? Both together?”

  “Oh my god, Belle, please! We’re in public, for Gods sake.”

  “Whatever. Let’s go to a bar then. We can get pissed. Where’s Teresa? Actually, how was she about the Pascal thing? Was it a little close to the bone? Think she might have been a bit hung up on him,” she says, sipping at her coffee and waiting for all the gossip.

  “I don’t know. She said she’d be here by now. She seemed okay really, a bit floored, but, you know Teresa, chilled I suppose once she’d got used to the idea.” She’s ringing her phone before I finish the sentence, putting the coffee back down and starting to get her bags together again. A short conversation with the woman in question later and she’s staring at me and flicking her head at the road.