Earthman Jack vs. The Ghost Planet

by Matthew Kadish

“Yeah. Don’t know how long we’ve been down here, though. Seems like months, though it’s probly closer ta a few weeks. The bloody Deathlords didn’t have the decency to board our transport. One minute, we all think we’re gonna die locked away in prison pods as they blast our ship to oblivion, the next minute, there’s a flash o’ purple light, and we’re here. Wherever here is.”

  “Wait,” said Jack. “Your ship crashed in here?”

  “Indeed,” said Scallywag. “We weren’t on the ground two bloody hours before the first wave hit. Crazy zombies came outta nowhere and started ripping through the ship. The guards freed us all ta help fight ‘em off. Had to abandon the bloody thing and run into the darkness ta get away. Since then we’ve just been wandering around, scouting, surviving, you know how it goes.”

  Jack was paying so much attention to Scallywag, he’d failed to notice they were walking right toward one of the strangest things he’d ever seen until they were right on top of it.

  At first, in the darkness of the cave, it looked like a large grey boulder. But this boulder had arms, legs, and a head. It was sitting cross-legged, with a large wooden club the size of a cow’s leg across its lap. The figure, with well-defined muscles bulging from beneath its elephant-like skin, was as wide as two men. Its head, with a large Cro-Magnonesque brow and a huge square jaw that gave way to two teeth jutting out from its lower lip, seemed slightly too small for its body.

  Jack looked at the massive beast with a mixture of curiosity and fear as Scallywag strolled up to it and gave it a swift kick.

  “Oy! Grohm! Wake up, ya sodding Rognok!” Scallywag barked.

  The large creature stirred, revealing red eyes with black pupils. “Battle?” it asked in a deep, gravelly voice.

  “Does it look like a battle?” said Scallywag. “I got some chow. Ya hungry yet?”

  The creature, apparently called Grohm, simply grunted and closed its eyes again, going back to its almost statue-like state.

  “Good talking to ya, as always,” grumbled Scallywag. “Bloody Rognoks be the best sodding conversationalists I’ve ever met.”

  “What is it?” Jack asked, his eyes not able to leave the massive alien in front of him.

  Scallywag turned and looked at Jack. “Oh, right, ya wouldn’t know. This is Grohm. He’s a Rognok.”

  “What’s a Rognok?”

  “A race of big tough browners, that’s what,” said Scallywag. “Their world got hit by the Deathlords not long after the fall of Regalus Prime. Most Rognoks just liked to run around and beat each other senseless most o’ the time, so very few of ‘em were off world before it was blown to bits. Grohm here was already in the Pit when we arrived. He’s never said how long he’s been here, but I get the sense it’s been a while.”

  “So he wasn’t on the prison ship with you?” Jack asked, feeling slightly relieved.

  “Nah,” said Scallywag. “Honestly, he’s one o’ the reasons we’ve been able to survive so long. Rognoks can take a ton of punishment, so me and Faruuz just stick near this guy and let the zombies attack him while we pick ‘em off. Works pretty well actually.”

  “You just let him get attacked?” Jack asked, astounded.

  “He don’t mind,” shrugged Scallywag. “If there’s one thing a Rognok likes ta do, it’s fight. We just let him do it.”

  “So only you and Faruuz survived from your ship, huh?”

  “Not at first,” sighed Scallywag as he slid down next to the slumbering Rognok and popped a cracker in his mouth. “There was a small group o’ us, guards and prisoners. Once we found Grohm and determined he wasn’t gonna kill us, we followed him back to this cave. Since then, our numbers got whittled down. Some got killed in the occasional zombie raid, others just wandered off after getting all sick, never to be seen again.”

  “Sick? Like those guys the Doc was tending to?”

  Scallywag nodded. “Whatever it is, it seems to affect you Regal types rather quickly.”

  “But not you?”

  “Meh,” shrugged the alien. “Haven’t noticed anything yet.”

  “Oh, but you will…” came a low, snarky voice.

  Jack turned and peered into the darkness nearby, where the voice had come from. He could make out a strange figure moving in the shadows and could hear the faint sounds of whirring and motors, almost like those a toy electric car makes after being turned on.

  With a Clank and a Klack, the figure stepped into the light, revealing an extremely strange looking robot. Its body was ridiculously thin and rickety, with various mismatched parts that made it look like the robot had been patched together from many different types of metal. Its body was scarred and rusted a bit, and it walked with what looked like a slight hunch in its back.

  In contrast to its flimsy body, its head was wide and oval-shaped, the occasional screw loosely popping out from its cranium, with large black lenses on either side for eyes, and a small horizontal box underneath it that glowed red with a waveform pattern when it spoke. Overall, Jack thought it almost looked like some type of cross between a creepy old man and a pair of huge binoculars.

  If Scallywag were surprised to see some rickety walking robot appear out of nowhere, he didn’t show it. He simply rolled his eyes and popped another cracker into his mouth. “Oy, here we go…”

  “First, it will start as a slight fever,” said the robot. “Then the cold sweats will begin. Your joints will ache, your breathing will become labored. Eventually, you’ll be unable to sleep. Your mind’s grasp on reality will begin to deteriorate as your body’s vital organs begin to shut down, causing an agonizing, painful, horrible, and inevitable - death! Mwuahaha! MWU-ahahaha! MWUAHA—”

  Suddenly, a rock flew up and conked the robot on the side of the head, courtesy of Scallywag.

  “Ow,” it said, rubbing the impact site with its three-fingered metal hand.

  “Shut it, rust-bucket,” grumbled Scallywag. “Last thing I wanna do after a scouting mission is listen to ya drone on.”

  “You sure that stuff is gonna happen?” asked Jack, the image of Yeoman Porter and the other sick Regals flashing into his mind.

  “Of course it will!” exclaimed the robot, exasperated. “I’ve meticulously documented all the recorded symptoms among you organics. ‘Tis only a matter of time before you all fall prey to this sickness, leaving me the last one standing! Mwuaha!”

  “Trust me, before I go down, I’ll be sure to take you with me, robot,” said Scallywag off-handedly.

  “Many have tried…” it replied. “All have failed!”

  Another rock dinged the robot on the side of its head.

  “Ow,” it said.

  “But how do you know for sure?” insisted Jack, suddenly worried about this sickness. “I mean, could you be wrong?”

  “Isn’t it obvious?” said the robot. “I’m a genius! I’m never wrong.”

  The robot shuffled up to Jack and leaned over him. “I don’t believe we’ve met. My name is Heckubus Moriarty, the greatest – and most feared – evil criminal genius in eight star systems!” it said dramatically. “Perhaps you’ve heard of me?”

  “Uh, no,” replied Jack. “But don’t take it personally. Just a couple hours ago I didn’t know there was any life outside of my planet.”

  The gears in the robot’s head groaned. “Typical,” he droned. “Leave it to the organics to believe they are the center of the universe.”

  “Don’t pay any attention to that bucket o’ bolts, lad,” said Scallywag. “He’s just a malfunctioning junkbot with delusions of grandeur.”

  “I’ll have you know this ‘bucket o’ bolts’ was responsible for taking the entire Zerostian fleet hostage, turning their own starfighters against them, by using a sophisticated algorithm I personally developed,” sneered Heckubus.

  “If memory serves, the Zerostians only have two ships,” said Scallywag.

  “Technically, they are still considered a fleet,” the robot replied.

  “And they don’t have any starfighters.�
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  “Repair shuttles,” said Heckubus. “Practically the same thing.”

  “And they’re nomads, so they have absolutely nothing of value which would warrant holding ‘em hostage for.”

  “Foolish nitwit! I’m an evil genius! The purpose wasn’t to extract funds! It was to show others how evil and dastardly I am, and spread fear throughout the universe!”

  “If that’s the case,” said Scallywag, “why didn’t ya just destroy the bloody Zerostians? Surely that’s more evil than hijacking a few repair shuttles for a time, eh?”

  Heckubus merely stared at Scallywag with loathing, the gears in his head whirring angrily.

  “I hate you,” the robot said.

  “Hey,” said Jack, “If you’re as smart as you say you are, can you figure out a way to get us out of here?”

  “Why, what a brilliant idea!” Heckubus scoffed. “How could I not have thought of that before? Plan an escape? So novel. How have I managed to survive so long without your keen input? Yes, let me get right on that… for the trillionth time!”

  Jack frowned. “I like my robots without a side of sarcasm, thank you very much.”

  “Pah!” said Heckubus. “I’m constantly reminded why I loath you organics so. Such dimwitted skullduggery! I’ll have you know that after analyzing every factor of our current situation, there is a 97.6% probability that escape is impossible.”

  Jack brightened up. “Well, what about the other 2.4%?”

  “Yes, indeed,” said Heckubus. “There is a 2.4% probability that we could escape. With a 2.4% margin of error, of course.”

  “I hate to break it to ya, lad, but the tin-can is right,” said Scallywag. “We’ve been up and down this Pit a thousand times. There are no doors, no exits, nothing. For all we know we’re a thousand feet underground in some backwater prison planet the Deathlords use ta toss away their bloody garbage. As much as I’m loathe to admit it, there ain’t no getting out o’ this one. We’re all thoroughly, and completely, kittened.”

  Jack sighed. His planet was destroyed, the girl of his dreams was being held hostage, and he was trapped in a deep dark pit with a bunch of aliens and robots, with no hope of escape. Could things possibly get any worse? he wondered.

  Suddenly, the sound of blaster fire erupted from the darkness.

  “To arms! To arms!” came a voice.

  Instantly, some of the military men in the cave jumped to. Scallywag perked up, alarmed. Heckubus groaned.

  “If you’ll excuse me,” said the robot quickly scuttling off into the darkness.

  Scallywag got to his feet. “Blast it,” he muttered as he kicked Grohm again.

  The Rognok stirred and opened his eyes. “Battle?” he said.

  “Whaddya think, ya git?” grumbled Scallywag as he took out his pistols. “Time to do yer thing.”

  Grohm snorted and lumbered to his feet, standing a good eight feet tall. His massive body was clad in some type of flimsy-looking metal armor, dented and battle-scarred. Without another word, the Rognok began lumbering toward the cave’s entrance.

  “Still got that gun I gave ya?” asked Scallywag as he quickly checked his weapons.

  “Yeah,” said Jack weakly. He was so tired; the last thing he wanted to do right now was fight.

  “Well, what are ya waiting for, lad?” said Scallywag. “Time ta use it!”

  Scallywag grabbed Jack by his jacket and jerked him to his feet. Without another word he was running toward the entrance to the cave, and Jack followed closely behind, pulling the small plasma pistol from his pocket.

  They were almost to the cave entrance when Sergeant Rodham came running in, followed closely by a few other soldiers.

  “Fall back! Fall back!” the Sergeant yelled. “There are too many of them—”

  Then, a terrible screech filled the air as a six-legged creature leapt out from the cave entrance, flying over the Regals as they retreated and heading straight for Jack.

  “Oh, crap!” said Jack, not really having time to react as the large, praying mantis-like alien bore down on him, black drool seeping from its large mouth, its eyes cloudy and terrifying.

  Suddenly, a large club connected with the alien in mid-air, right before it reached Jack. Grohm swung his primitive weapon just like a baseball bat, sending the alien flying across the cave and splattering it against the wall like a bug on a windshield.

  “Thanks, big guy,” said Jack, looking up at Grohm with relief. He was suddenly very glad the Rognok was on his side.

  Grohm just looked down at Jack and snorted.

  “Form the line!” cried Ganix, suddenly next to Jack.

  Instantly, the Regal soldiers all formed up in two lines behind Grohm. The front line of men knelt, and the rear line stood behind them, forming a tight firing squad, just as the noises and cries of the oncoming wave echoed through the cave entrance.

  Jack wasn’t sure where to go and found himself behind the back line of the Regal soldiers. Then, he got knocked down when someone pushed into him. He looked up into the snarling face of Faruuz.

  “Still think this is cool, Earthman?” The alien sneered as he armed his rifle. He turned and fired just as the Regals unleashed their first volley.

  Jack looked over to see a rush of aliens flow forth from the cave’s entrance, taking on the plasma blasts. Some fell immediately, but for the most part, they just kept coming.

  They weren’t what Jack had expected. The attackers ranged from humanlike to various types of aliens he’d never seen before. Some had many arms; some had nothing but legs. Some had scaly skin, while others had fur. Some were purple, blue, brown, and even black. Some wore strange looking clothes while others wore nothing at all. Some looked monstrous while others looked almost cuddly. But there were two things they all had in common -- they all had a disgusting black bile seeping from their mouths, and their eyes all had a cloudy, far-off look in them, as though the creatures were completely mindless.

  The hoard rushed toward the group, but Grohm stepped up and swung his massive club, disrupting the zombie charge. Some of them went flying at the force of Grohm’s swing, while others leapt right on top of the Rognok, and a few passed him entirely.

  The Regals immediately started picking off the zombies, first taking aim at the ones coming at them, next firing at the ones knocked to the side, and finally taking on the ones Grohm was keeping busy.

  The Rognok was shrugging off the zombies like they were bugs. No matter how much they hit, bit, and clawed at the massive alien, it didn’t seem to faze him. He stood his ground and continued to smash the charge of attackers running at him from the entrance.

  Bodies were starting to stack up in front of the firing squad. To Jack, it seemed if the soldiers didn’t make a direct headshot, the attackers just kept coming without slowing down.

  “Crikey! There’s a lot of ‘em!” Jack heard Scallywag shout above the firing.

  “Hold the line!” screamed Ganix.

  Faruuz looked down at Jack, who still hadn’t gotten back to his feet. “Don’t jus’ lie there, ya bloody good-for-nuttin piece of—”

  Then, a large, hairy, beast-like zombie crashed through the ranks and barreled into Faruuz. They both hit the ground hard. The Beast Zombie’s massive jaw was about to tear into Faruuz’s neck when the alien got his arm up in time to save himself. The Beast sank his teeth into Faruuz’s arm and the alien screamed in pain as he struggled with his furry attacker.

  Jack grabbed his pistol and aimed it at the Beast Zombie, unleashing a few rounds. Red-hot plasma blasts tore into the creature, but it continued to attack Faruuz.

  “The head! Shoot it in tha’ bloody head, ya twit!” Faruuz yelled.

  Jack took aim and let loose a shot that hit the Beast in the back of the skull. The Beast Zombie went limp, and Faruuz rolled it off him. Jack went to the alien’s side. His arm was gashed badly where the beast had bitten it, and green blood was seeping everywhere.

  “Ohmigosh!” said Jack. “Are you okay?”

>   “Do I bloody look okay?” cried Faruuz, his large black eyes watery. “He ate me bleedin’ arm!”

  “Rear line, fall back!” Jack heard Ganix call out. Jack turned to see more zombies on the way, and it was getting hard to hold the defenses as the corpses piled up. The rear line of the firing squad had regrouped and was moving back to give cover so the front line could retreat enough to make more room to fight.

  Jack got behind Faruuz and started to drag him away from the fight, with the alien complaining the entire time.

  “Ow! OW! What ya think yer doin’?” cried Faruuz.

  “Trying to keep you from getting eaten by another zombie,” grunted Jack as he pulled the alien aside. “Now quit your complaining!”

  Jack dragged his companion behind a nearby rock and propped him up there.

  “Hold on,” said Jack. “I’m gonna go get the Doc.”

  “And leave me here unprotected?” grunted Faruuz. “Are ya trying ta get me killed?”

  Jack gritted his teeth and shoved his pistol into Faruuz’s good hand. “Don’t tempt me,” said Jack, before he turned to run back to the front line where Faruuz had dropped his rifle.

  It looked like the wave of zombies was starting to thin out, so Jack didn’t feel so bad about heading toward the back of the camp where Doc Pyle was stationed. The doctor was frantically going through his meager supplies, getting ready for the onslaught of wounded he’d have to treat.

  “Doc! Doc!” said Jack as he ran up. “Come quick! Faruuz… he’s hurt!”

  Doc Pyle looked up at Jack with weary blue eyes. “Who?” he asked.

  “The ugly green alien? Who’s kind of a jerk?” Jack clarified.

  Pyle nodded in recognition. “What’s wrong with him?”

  “He got bitten on the arm,” said Jack.

  The Doc’s face darkened. “Blast it,” he muttered. “I’m not sure if I’ll have enough cloth for bandages…”

  As Doctor Pyle turned to check his supplies again, Jack saw movement out of the corner of his eye. He turned and looked as one of the sick Regal soldiers who was lying by the campfire got to his feet. Jack’s heart almost stopped when the Regal looked up, his eyes cloudy, black bile seeping from his mouth.