Put It Out There

by D. R. Graham

  He smiled appreciatively. “Sure, thanks.”

  “Here, I’ll take your books. You can take these.” I passed the crutches to him as he handed me his books. “I’m Derian.”

  He smiled again and said, “Yeah, I remember from when Nikolai introduced us. Mason.” He held his hand out to shake mine. I adjusted his books to put my hand into his, feeling stupid for sounding like I hadn’t remembered already being introduced. He had the smoothest skin I had ever felt on a male, or a female for that matter.

  “Did you hurt your knee skiing?”

  “No.” His eyebrow lifted as he likely contemplated how I had known he’d been skiing. “I took an awkward hit in hockey last night.”

  “Where are you headed?” I asked, just so I wouldn’t look like a wack job who already knew his schedule.

  “A-wing.”

  “Me too.” I walked slowly. He alternately stepped and pushed off the crutches. “How long do you have to be on crutches?”

  “The doctor said a couple of weeks—longer if I need surgery.”

  “I can be your personal assistant until you’re back on your feet, if you want.”

  What kind of ridiculous thing was that to say? Being able to speak in front of him was definitely a sign of my growth, but the conversation content was sadly deficient. He dropped his chin and grinned in a shy way. It was insanely cute. He didn’t actually take me up on my offer. He might have thought I was joking, or maybe he didn’t want me tagging along with him everywhere. He stopped and held out his arm to take his books back. I looked up and realized we had already arrived at his classroom door. I was disappointed that the entire interaction had flown by that quickly. “Thanks Derian. It’s a beautiful name, by the way. I wouldn’t have called you Kefir if I knew you in elementary school.”

  I laughed, surprised and pleased he remembered that. “Thanks.”

  Neither one of us made a motion to leave.

  Arms wrapped around my waist from behind and Steve said, “Hey, babe.” Apparently he was over the I love you diss.

  I glanced over my shoulder at him and then back at Mason. Mason had already turned on his crutches and was trying to rock himself forward. “See you around, Derian,” he said. The door hit him in the shoulder as he disappeared into his class.

  “I didn’t know you and Cartwright were friends.”

  I stepped away from Steve’s embrace. “We’re not. I carried his books because he’s on crutches. I was being nice, is that a problem?”

  Steve frowned, taken back by my attitude. “No. I love that you’re nice to everyone.”

  “Are you sure?”

  He looked confused since he was the one with a reason to be mad, but I was the one who was acting snappy. “I’m just surprised you would spend time with someone like him.”

  “What exactly do you mean when you say ‘someone like him’?”

  “He’s like all his rich friends—pretentious, shallow, and selfish.”

  “That’s weird because he volunteered for the food drive, and the Guatemala fundraiser, and he tutors his grade-eight neighbour.”

  He studied my expression as what I said sunk in. “I thought you didn’t know him.”

  “You thought you did. I can talk to whomever I want to.”

  “I know. I didn’t say you couldn’t. Are you mad at me for some reason?”

  “I’m going to be late. I’ll see you later.” I turned without kissing him, crossed the hall, and ducked into my classroom.

  I texted Doug: Can you meet me after school?

  Does Sophie know?

  Yes

  Meet me at my car.

  k. thanks.

  Doug was already sitting in his car when I walked up and slid into the passenger seat. “Sophie said we can make out.”

  He turned his head and nodded as if he was fine with that. “Too bad Trevor would kick my ass. Otherwise, I would take her up on that hall pass.”

  “Yeah right. I need you to find Trevor’s mom’s phone number.”

  “Why don’t you just ask him?”

  “He won’t give it to me because it’s for his sister. He doesn’t want Kailyn talking to their mom.”

  He turned in his seat to face me. “Why?”

  “I don’t know. She did some things he won’t tell me about. He thinks he’s protecting Kailyn from getting hurt.”

  “If he thinks it’s not a good idea, then it’s probably not a good idea.” He reached into the inside pocket of his leather jacket for a pack of gum. He chewed gum whenever he had a craving to smoke a cigarette, which was pretty much constantly.

  “She has a right to contact her mom if she wants to. Will you help?”

  “No.” He held out the pack of gum to offer me a piece.

  “Seriously?”

  “I don’t want to get involved. If Trevor thinks Kailyn will get hurt by talking to her mom, I don’t want to be a part of that. You shouldn’t either.”

  “She’s sad, Doug. It hurts me to see her that sad.” I mimicked the puppy-dog pout that Sophie used on him. “Please.”

  He rolled his eyes. “That look is not going to work. The answer is no. Sorry.”

  “Fine. Be that way. I’ll figure it out myself.” I stuck my tongue out at him so he would know I wasn’t really mad at him. “See you tomorrow.”

  I got out of his car and heard him say, “don’t meddle,” as I closed the car door. Steve was standing with his back against the wall, arms crossed. He didn’t look happy.

  I walked over to him. “Hey.”

  “What’s going on, Deri?”

  “Nothing. Doug is helping me with a project.”

  “What was with the attitude earlier?”

  “I was feeling grumpy. Sorry.”

  “So, we’re good?”

  “Of course,” I mumbled and kept walking.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  Things weren’t great between Steve and me because I knew he wanted more. It was too stressful to pretend we were cool when we weren’t. It was impacting my grades, so I told him I needed a break from hanging out so I could study for exams. It was my lame, chicken-shit, and horribly immature way of breaking up with him.

  I treated the mission to find Kailyn and Trevor’s mom like a research project, and after a few hours of digging, and one white lie to the receptionist at her country club, I got a phone number for her. Having the information in my hand triggered second thoughts, and I didn’t share it with Kailyn right away. It wasn’t until I found her crying on their porch one day that I finally caved in and gave it to her. It made her so happy, she literally skipped into the house to use the phone. I hung out to eavesdrop, just to be sure it went okay. As it turned out, Lorraine didn’t answer. Kailyn left a message and then hugged me to thank me.

  The third Saturday in June I took the bus down and spent the day in Vancouver with my mom. I thought it was probably a good idea to work on finding some common ground with her before I had to move. For some reason, as soon as I was near her, my back got up and I became defensive, even though she hadn’t even said anything confrontational. It was my suggestion that maybe I should go back to the counsellor to figure out what my problem was. She was completely supportive of that idea. No surprise.

  It was after eight o’clock when I returned to the Inn. Granddad handed me a letter that had come in the regular mail for me. It was from Trevor. At first, I was excited, but then my heart felt as if it collapsed on itself when I saw what was inside. He had sent back the sketch of Britannia I drew. It seemed unnecessarily cruel. If he didn’t want it, he could have just thrown it out. I didn’t understand why he had to return it. I slammed it down on the desk.

  Granddad picked it up, wondering what was up with my outburst. “Did you draw this?”

  “Yeah, I sent it to Trevor. He sent it back. He’s an idiot.”

  Granddad held up the picture and examined the detail. “I’m sure he sent it home so it wouldn’t get lost over there.”

  That’s when I noticed T
revor’s handwriting under my message on the underside. “Oh. I take back what I said. He’s not an idiot. I didn’t see his message until you held it up.”

  He flipped the card over. “Aw, that’s nice. There you go.”

  After he went into the library, I ran my finger over Trevor’s handwriting. I re-read my message: It’s not the same around here without you. Then, I read his response about fifty times: I don’t ever want to be missing from this picture again. I’ll be home on June 30th. Can’t wait. Please keep this for me. I want it when I get home.

  Even though I had no hopes that his feelings would have magically changed while he was gone, I was still really excited to see him. My phone buzzed with a message from Sophie:

  Are you home from your mom’s yet? Murphy’s brother is having a party at his house tonight. You’re coming.

  No thanks. Steve will probably be there.

  Good. It will give you a chance to grow a pair and actually tell him he’s not your boyfriend anymore. You don’t want to be that girl who leaves a guy hanging because she’s a wuss, do you?

  I sighed heavily, knowing she was right. Fine.

  I showered and dressed in dark jeans and a T-shirt. High ponytail. No make-up. I clipped the chain with my dad’s wedding ring on it around my neck and looked in the mirror. In some ways I had changed a lot since moving back. In some ways I was the same old Derian, and honestly, I liked her.

  In the lobby, my granddad gave me the keys to his car, reluctantly. I had passed my exam to graduate from a learner’s permit to a novice license, but it was the first time I was going to drive by myself at night. “I’ll be careful.”

  “I know you will. It’s everyone else on the road I’m worried about.”

  “I don’t want to live my entire life scared like Mom.”

  “I don’t want that either.” He hugged me. “I love you.”

  “I love you too. Don’t worry.”

  It was almost ten-thirty when I finally parked down the street from Murphy and Ryan’s house. I could hear the band playing from a block away. Steve’s Explorer was parked right behind Mason’s Mercedes. I walked along the sidewalk, then stopped at the end of the driveway and took deep breaths to make the panicky feeling go away. It shouldn’t have been that difficult. It wasn’t as if I was sparing his feelings by stringing him along. The respectful and grown-up thing to do was be honest and let him move on.

  After a steeling breath, I carried on towards the house to do the right thing.

  “Deri!” Murphy’s booming voice startled me. He lunged forward and swung me around in a big bear hug.

  “Oh my God! What are you doing here? Welcome home.” The fact that he shouldn’t be home hit me. “Is Trevor home too? I thought you were coming home on the thirtieth.”

  “He told you that so he could surprise you.” His eyebrow lifted and he smiled. “Surprise.” He reached into the open window of his truck to get his phone off the dashboard. “Let’s go inside. He’s been dying to see you.”

  Holy shit. I wasn’t prepared. In my imagination, our reunion consisted of me running and launching myself into his arms. In private. Even without that particular scenario, it would be awkward to greet him in front of an entire party full of people. Steve was already there. “Um, maybe I should let him have time with his friends. I can see him tomorrow in Britannia.”

  Murphy’s expression changed and he glanced back at the house. “He wants to see you, Deri. Trust me.”

  “He didn’t even want to talk to me after his fall.” I bit my bottom lip, because the reminder stung.

  Murphy grinned in a funny way. “Get inside. You’ll feel better once you see him. Besides, I won’t live if he finds out you were here and I let you go home without at least saying hello. He’s been whining about missing you for five months. If you don’t walk in there on your own I’ll throw you over my shoulder and carry you in.”

  Trevor whining about anything seemed highly unlikely. He wasn’t really the share your feelings openly type. I stood staring at the house and took a deep breath, twisting my hair around my finger. Sophie must have known they were here when she told me to come over. Those types of surprises were not a good idea. Not for me anyway. Officially breaking up with Steve and reuniting with Trevor in front of a whole crowd of people. Not really ideal conditions for either event. “Ask him to come out —”

  “That’s it—you’re coming with me.” Murphy scooped me up and bent me over his broad shoulder.

  “No Murphy! Let me go!” I screamed, smacked his back, and wiggled my legs. It made no difference. He was way too strong.

  He walked up the front steps, kicked the door open, and shouted, “Look who I found.”

  Everyone within a twenty-foot radius gawked at us. Once Murphy put me down, I saw Trevor immediately. He was across the room, and smiled before weaving through the people to make his way to me. Even though he was in his standard black T-shirt and dark jeans, he looked even sexier than I remembered. I assumed he was going to give me a big hug and swing me around, but he didn’t. He clutched my hand, lead me down the hall, and into a room for privacy. He closed the door and pulled me close as if we were dancing. My cheek rested on his chest and it felt incredibly comforting as his body rose with each breath. “Welcome home,” I whispered.

  He didn’t say anything, so I tilted my head to look at him. He was choked up. His eyes were definitely shiny, and his face tensed as he tried to keep it together. Knowing that he was emotional over our reunion made me love him even more—which I hadn’t thought was possible. My heart bounced around like a rubber ball inside my chest. He slid his hands until he was holding either side of my neck and stared into my eyes for a long time.

  Please kiss me. Please kiss me. Please kiss me, I prayed. Shit. What was I doing? Steve would be crushed if he knew what I was wishing for.

  “New earrings?” Trevor ran his thumb over one of the gold hearts Steve had given me.

  “I’ve had them for a while.”

  “They look nice on you.”

  “Thanks,” I murmured. He obviously knew they were a gift from Steve, so I added, “They’re not quite my taste.”

  “I know.” He leaned forward and rested his forehead on mine. His eyes were closed and his breathing was slow at first. As his palm slid down my body and found my hand, his breathing sped up. He parted his lips slightly and wrapped his fingers tightly around mine. His other hand moved up my arm, over my shoulder, and then he slid his fingers into my hair.

  It felt like something was about to happen. I wanted something to happen. But not with Steve in the next room. Trevor must have sensed my hesitation because he said, “Steve’s probably wondering where you are.”

  “Probably,” I whispered.

  He stepped backwards until his shoulders leaned against the door but still held my hand.

  I stared at my feet for a while to work up the courage to ask, “Why didn’t you email me more?”

  He frowned and closed his eyes for a long blink. “I thought it would make it easier for you.”

  “Really? It didn’t.”

  He chuckled at my tone. “I guess it was easier for me. Because I missed you. The sketch of Britannia made me so homesick, I grabbed my bag and I was going to hop on the next plane home.”

  “Why didn’t you want to talk to me after you fell?”

  “Because I knew how worried you would be. If you asked me to come home, I would have.”

  Oh. That was the perfect answer. Even though I didn’t know if it meant what I wanted it to mean, it made me feel fiercely close to him. I stepped forward and rested my entire body on his. He wrapped his arms around me. I literally could have stood that way listening to his heartbeat all night.

  “People are going to start rumours if we don’t go back out to the party.” He gently moved me so my weight wasn’t rested against him. Then he opened the door and guided me by the shoulders back down the hall.

  We walked into the living room and Murphy winked. Trevor drap
ed his arm over my shoulder. I wrapped my arm around his waist and pressed the side of my body against his. He turned his head and looked down at me for a second, but a friend of his arrived at the party, so he stepped away from me and moved his arm to shake the guy’s hand. I watched his mouth as he talked to the guy. He must have felt me staring because he smiled and, without looking at me, he extended his arm to hold my hand. I looked around the room, trying to spot Steve. I needed to speak to him privately and formally break up with him, quickly.

  Trevor’s phone beeped with a text message and he frowned a little. “Excuse me for a minute, Jessie. I have to take this.” He turned towards me and pulled me into his chest with one arm. He dialled with his other hand and kissed my forehead while he waited for the call to connect. He was warm and he smelled so familiar. “Hey… Yeah, Why?… Okay… No. I’ll head home… Okay, I’ll be right there.” He hung up and inhaled in a stressful way.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Kailyn’s been crying non-stop for two hours. She won’t tell my dad what’s wrong. He’s hoping maybe she’ll talk to me. I should probably get going.”

  “I’ll come too. Maybe it’s a girl thing.” I glanced over at the band. They were set up in the dining room. “I just need to talk to Sophie real quick after they finish their set. I can meet you at your house.”

  “Yeah, okay.” He grabbed his keys off a bookshelf, hugged me one more time, and left out the front door.

  The crash of a microphone slamming against the floor made me jump. It was followed by the high-pitched screech of feedback. I spun around in time to see Sophie jump into the crowd in the sunken living room.

  “Shit.” I pushed past people to get to her.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT