Tainted

by K. A. Robinson

  “Thank you,” I said.

  I turned and followed Drake down the hall and into the room. We’d each brought a small bag inside, and we set them on top of the dresser. The room was just like the lobby. It was clean but not flashy. I liked it. I was sure that Drake was used to spending his nights in fancy hotels, but I preferred something simpler, and he knew that. I appreciated that he was staying here for me.

  “Why don’t you shower first? I’ll call Jade and let her know we safely made it this far.” He pulled his phone from his jacket.

  “Sure.” I pulled a pair of pajamas from my bag and walked to the bathroom.

  I took a quick shower and returned to the room to see Drake lying on the bed with his eyes closed. I tiptoed quietly around the room, thinking that he had fallen asleep. I nearly jumped out of my skin when he spoke.

  “I’m still awake, you know. You don’t have to go into super-secret-ninja-stealth mode just for me.”

  I laughed. “Maybe I like being a ninja.”

  He rolled his eyes. “I’ll be sure to get you a ninja outfit when we get back to L.A.”

  “Gee, thanks.”

  He stood and grabbed a few things out of his bag before walking to the bathroom and shutting the door. I threw the covers down and crawled into bed. I listened to the pipes whine inside the walls as I stared at the ceiling. I was suddenly nervous about sleeping in the same bed as Drake.

  You have to take it slow. You have to take it slow. You have to take it slow. I repeated this mantra over and over inside my head. Hopefully, I could convince myself before Drake came back to bed.

  I had just convinced myself that I would be good when he opened the bathroom door and stepped back out into the room. He was wearing only his boxers. I couldn’t help myself as my eyes traveled down his body. He had always been fit, but it was obvious that he had been working out in L.A. His body looked incredible, and I suddenly felt inadequate, especially in my pajamas. How the hell was I supposed to measure up to him?

  I glanced up at his face and noticed him watching me with a grin.

  “See something you like?” he teased.

  “You did that,” I gestured to his almost naked appearance, “on purpose.”

  He wasn’t playing fair.

  “I did. I just wanted to see if I still had the same effect on you.”

  “Well, you obviously have your answer. I can’t look away.”

  He grinned as he stalked toward me. “I was hoping you’d say that.”

  My eyes widened as he crawled across the bed until he was hovering over me.

  “Wh-what are you doing?” I asked nervously.

  “I don’t know if I can take this slow. I want to kiss you until we don’t know where we are. I want to feel you pressed up against me, skin-to-skin, heart-to-heart.” He leaned down and ran his lips across my nose. I didn’t breathe until he leaned away.

  “We can’t. We have too much to sort through still,” I whispered as I stared at his lips.

  “One kiss isn’t going to hurt anything.” He leaned down again, stopping just before his lips touched mine. “Just one kiss.”

  When his lips met mine, I closed my eyes. Electricity shot through my body, and I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him down on top of me. He ran his tongue along my lips until I opened them to allow him access. He moaned just before he slipped it inside. I shuddered when I felt his tongue ring. This felt amazing. How had I survived without this for so long?

  My hands ran along his back, my nails digging into his skin. When my hips lifted to grind against him, he moaned again. I wasn’t in control of my body anymore. He was.

  He pulled back, breathing hard. “Damn it. You make me lose control too easily!”

  I kept my eyes closed. I knew I’d be a goner if I saw his eyes darkened with lust. There would be nothing in this world that could keep me away from him. When he rolled off of me, I took a chance and peeked over at him. He was staring up at the ceiling, and his chest was rising and falling hard. With only his boxers on, it was apparent that he hadn’t calmed down. I lifted my hand to wrap it around his shaft, but I caught myself at the last second. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. We had to work through everything before we took the next step.

  “You okay?” I asked stupidly.

  “No, I’m pretty sure I’ll be walking around hard for the next week after that.” He glanced over at me.

  “Sorry,” I mumbled.

  “Don’t be. I started it. I couldn’t help myself. It’s been so long since we…well, you know.”

  I grinned. “Since what?”

  He reached over and began tickling my ribs. “Since we slept in the same bed. There—how’s that for an answer?”

  “Very good. I’m impressed,” I teased as I squirmed to get away.

  “I’m sure you are. Can I ask you something?”

  “I don’t know. Can you?”

  He gave me a pointed look. “I’m serious.”

  “Sure. Go for it.”

  “Can I hold you? I won’t do anything else. I swear. I just want to hold you while we sleep.”

  I smiled, touched by his sweetness. “I can live with that.”

  I rolled onto my side, facing away from him. He pulled me tight against him and wrapped his arm around me.

  “Good night, Chloe. I love you,” he whispered into my ear.

  I love you, too, I said in my mind, unable to let myself speak the words just yet.

  I awoke the next morning with Drake’s arm still holding me tight against him. Unwilling to give up the moment, I closed my eyes and scooted back closer to him. I’d missed this so much. There was nothing in this world like waking up with him beside me.

  He shifted in his sleep, trying to pull me tighter against him.

  “Chloe…” he mumbled, still asleep.

  My heart soared. He was dreaming of me.

  “Chloe, don’t leave me. Please. I’ll do better.”

  The waves of happiness came crashing down around me. He was dreaming about me leaving him, not about having me back.

  He whimpered like a small child and cried out again. “Chloe! I love you! Don’t go. I’ll make it better.”

  Unable to let him go on, I rolled over and peppered his face with kisses. “Drake…Drake, wake up.”

  He opened his eyes, and then a smile slowly spread across his face. “You’re still here.”

  “Of course I am. Where else would I go?”

  “I don’t know. I thought you left me again.”

  My heart broke as I stared at him. Vulnerability was written across his face. He loved me, and he was terrified to lose me again.

  “I love you,” I whispered, deciding to show my vulnerability as well.

  He smiled as he leaned forward and kissed me lightly. “It seems like it’s been forever since you said that.”

  “It feels like that to me, too. I’ve missed saying it.”

  “Well, I’ve missed hearing it.” He grinned.

  I reached up and cupped his face. He was beautiful. Even though it wasn’t the manliest term to use, there were no other words to describe him. He tried to be a badass when others were around, but when it was just the two of us, he always let his guard down. Drake was far from innocent, but in this moment, he looked more innocent and vulnerable than I had ever seen him. And the best part was that this man was mine. This beautiful, kind, and loving man was all mine.

  During the last few months we were last together, he had been a different person. I had only caught a glimpse of what he was like while he was using, and I hoped that man was dead and buried. The man in bed with me now was my Drake. “Are you ready to have the talk?” I asked.

  I was mentally trying to prepare myself for what was to come. This was going to hurt a lot, but it had to be done.

  “My uncle already beat you to it. We had the talk when I turned thirteen and realized that girls didn’t have cooties.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Smart-ass. You know what I mean.”
/>   He pulled me close and kissed the tip of my nose. “Yes, but can I at least pee first?”

  “Knock yourself out.”

  I sat up and grabbed the menu off the bedside table. After glancing through it, I called and ordered room service. I was shocked that this place actually had it. When Drake came back into the room, I went into the bathroom to freshen up.

  A few minutes later, a knock came on the door. I opened it to see a man standing there with two trays of food on a cart. He walked into our room and left the trays next to the bed. Drake pulled a bill from his wallet and tipped him. When he was gone, we grabbed our trays and settled back into bed.

  “Where do you want to start?” Drake asked around a mouthful of food.

  “I don’t know. I guess when you started using again. I feel like everything we talked about then is null and void now that I know you were stoned most of the time.”

  Drake hung his head in shame. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Don’t apologize. You walked away from it. You’re better now, and I’m so proud of you for it.” I looked into his sorrow-filled eyes.

  “I ruined everything, Chloe, and it was all because I thought you had cheated on me.”

  “I don’t blame you for assuming the worst. Hell, even I thought those pictures looked bad, and I knew the truth.”

  “I could have stopped using once I knew the truth though…but I didn’t. I thought I still had control of it, but I just kept going. I know now that I’d already lost control, even then.”

  I knew how hard this was going to be, but I hadn’t realized how hard it would be to see Drake feel so disgusted with himself. He was so ashamed of what he had done, and I couldn’t stand to watch him suffer.

  “Never look at it that way. I’m so proud of you for getting clean and getting your life back on track. Give yourself some credit.”

  He looked away. “I guess. That’s enough with the pity party. Let’s move on.”

  I nodded. “You talk, and I’ll listen. Just remember that I won’t judge you for anything you tell me.”

  “When I thought you had cheated on me, I found a drug dealer and went to his place. The whole time when no one could find me, I was with him, stoned out of my mind. Then, you showed up and explained everything, but I was still upset about Jordan, so I kept using. I thought I had it under control. I convinced myself that I was using just to help me deal with Jordan’s constant presence. I was sure that everything would be fine after you took him home and it was just the two of us again, but that didn’t happen. Instead, your mom killed herself, and I wasn’t there for you. I was off getting stoned while Jordan and Logan took care of you.”

  He leaned back against the headboard and blew his hair out of his eyes. It killed me to listen to him relive everything that had torn us apart.

  “You don’t have to tell me everything right now. We can stop whenever you want.”

  He shook his head. “No, I want to get it all out. We both need this.”

  “Yeah, we do,” I said.

  “Anyway, when I finally managed to get back to you, there they were, both watching out for you. Then, when I found out that Jordan had kissed you and you hadn’t told me, I got pissed off all over again. By the time we finally left, I was using more, and I didn’t want to stop. If I did, I knew I would have to face everything that was happening around us. We’d already been through so much, and I just wanted us to be happy with nothing hanging over our heads.

  “You know what happened next. I started acting like an asshole—yelling at you and kicking the shit out of that guy in the bar. Then, you found my stash and told me it was over. I thought that you just needed to calm down, and then you’d come back. When you didn’t, I realized that I’d really lost you, and I started using more.

  “The next few months were bad, really bad. I tried to forget about you by using more, but it didn’t help. You were always on my mind, and I hated myself for what I’d done. The band was pressuring me to get help, but I refused. Finally, it all came to a head one night at the club. I was already high when I got there, and then I drank too much. The guys had to haul my sorry ass back to the hotel. I think that I used again that night. I don’t really remember doing it, and then the next thing I knew, I woke up in the hospital. The doctor told me that I’d overdosed, and if it wasn’t for Jade coming in to check on me, I would have died.”

  My heart stopped. So, he had overdosed after all. All of those nights I’d spent awake, worrying about whether or not he was okay, were justified. He’d almost died. I’d almost lost the only person I ever loved, my soul mate.

  He reached out and wiped away the tears running down my face. “Don’t cry, babe. I’m okay now. If it wasn’t for that night, I might still be using now. It was the wake-up call I needed to get my shit together. When I was in the hospital, I finally agreed to go into rehab. I won’t lie. Those first few days of being clean were hell. I thought I was going to die from withdrawal. I felt sick, and I was mean to everyone. I just wanted to give up. But I kept thinking about you and what I would say to you when I finally saw you again. You kept me going even though I wasn’t sure I had anything to look forward to. When I first went into rehab, I was an asshole to my doctor, Dr. Peters, but he didn’t give up on me. He put up with all of my bullshit, and he helped me deal with not just my addiction but also the reasons I used drugs to begin with. I owe that man a lot.”

  I reached up and cupped his face. “I’m glad you had someone to help you. I always regretted leaving you to deal with everything on your own, but I couldn’t handle it. I had to protect myself.”

  “You did the right thing. You didn’t need to be around me after everything that happened with your mom. I know that now, and I understand why you left the way you did. I have to ask you some questions though. What happened after you left me? Where did you go? What did you do?”

  I knew he wasn’t going to be happy with me, but we’d both agreed to no more lies even if we wanted to protect each other from the truth.

  “I went back to Danny’s house. Logan and Amber were still there, so I stayed with all of them until Logan and Amber were ready to go home. I was a mess, and Jordan took care of me. After we were back in Morgantown, Logan, Amber, and I found a place to live, and I started back at school. I used my classes to distract myself. Otherwise, I would have run back to you. I tried to live life and forget about you, but I couldn’t. I looked for you in every face that passed by me. I was like an addict, too, and you were my drug.”

  He smiled. “I’m okay with you being addicted to me.”

  “I’m sure you are. I just…I don’t know where to go from here. How do we heal?”

  “Together. We heal together. The rest will fall into place.” He picked up my left hand and stared at the ring shining brightly on it. “I was so afraid that you would say no when I asked you to marry me. I was sure that you were done with me.”

  “I would never say no, but I think we need to learn about each other again before we run off and get married. We have to make sure that this will work. We’ve both changed so much in the last few months.”

  “I agree, but I won’t deny how happy I am to see that ring on your finger. You’re mine and mine alone.”

  I smiled. “I am, and we’ll work through everything. We’ve come too far to give up now. I want you to promise me something though.”

  “Anything.” He played with the ring on my finger.

  “If you ever feel like you’re about to fall, tell me. I never want you to think that you have to handle your addiction on your own. I know you’re clean, but the temptations will always be there, especially in your profession.”

  “I won’t fall. There’s no way that I’ll ever go back,” he said with determination.

  “But if you ever start to feel the pull, tell me. I will help you through it. I promise.”

  “All right, I promise. I really think that I’m okay now though.”

  “I’m glad, but don’t ever think that you have to hide
anything from me.”

  He looked at me and smiled. “When did you get so smart?”

  I elbowed him. “I’ve always been smart.”

  He laughed as he grabbed our now empty trays and set them on the cart. “And so humble.”

  I eyed him suspiciously as he crawled back into bed and pulled me closer to him.

  “What are you doing?”

  “We have to leave soon, so I want to hold you while I can. You never know what could happen between now and tonight. I might say something stupid, and you’ll run away from me.”

  “I’m not running from you anymore. I think we’ve both done enough of that to last a lifetime.” I scooted up a bit, so I was eye-to-eye with him. I brushed my lips against his in a gentle kiss—one of comfort, not of lust. “We’re going to be okay.”

  He kissed me back. “We are.”

  We stayed in bed for a few minutes longer before finally crawling out and getting dressed for the day. We had everything packed up and in the car a few minutes later. I sat in the car and waited while he went to the main office and checked us out. As soon as he got into the car, he started it and took off for the interstate.

  I felt myself relax as the miles slipped away. While it hurt to know how much pain Drake had endured by himself, it was something that I needed to know. We had to put the hurt, the anger, and the pain all out there, so we could heal and learn to trust each other again. While I knew it would take time for us to get back to where we had been, I felt whole again with him by my side. During all of those months apart, I had felt like I was missing a piece of myself. It was funny how one person could walk into your life and change everything about you.

  I pulled myself away from my thoughts. “Why are you so quiet over there?”

  Drake usually made small talk as he drove, but he’d been suspiciously quiet since we hit the Missouri state line a few miles back.

  “Do you remember me telling you that I moved to West Virginia with my uncle after my parents died?” he asked.

  I nodded. It seemed like years ago when we’d sat and discussed his parents near Cheat Lake, but I still remembered every little detail that he’d given me.