Tainted

by K. A. Robinson

  “Well, I’m originally from Missouri. My old house is only about an hour from here.”

  Now, I understood. He was silently mourning his parents and the childhood that he’d lost so long ago.

  “Do you want to go see it? Or them?”

  He gripped the steering wheel tightly. “I don’t know. I’m not even sure if I remember where the house is or exactly where they’re buried.”

  “Well, we could try to find them. Have you been back since…since you moved to West Virginia?”

  He shook his head. “No, I haven’t.”

  “Then, we’ll try,” I stated, more as a command than a suggestion.

  “We’ll try.”

  We spent the next hour in silence as I listened to my phone give directions to his old address. We pulled onto a street filled with middle-class houses, and then Drake parked across the street from a pretty white house.

  “There it is.” He stared across the street.

  The house was similar to several houses on the street. It was a white two-story home with blue shutters and a massive front porch that had several baskets of flowers hanging from it. A child’s swing set and a kiddie pool were in the front yard. There was a younger woman sitting on the porch, watching a little boy swinging with all of his might on the swing set.

  “That was me so long ago, but the swing set was over there.” He pointed toward a flower garden. “And our pool was in the backyard.”

  “It’s a beautiful home,” I said, unable to think of anything else to say.

  “It is. It doesn’t seem like I’ve been gone for ten years. I wonder what my room looks like now. Maybe it’s his.” He gestured to the little boy on the swing.

  “Do you want to get out? I’m sure they wouldn’t mind if we went over to talk to them and to see the house up close.”

  “No, it’s their sanctuary now, not mine.” He started the car and pulled away.

  “Do you still want to visit your parents?” I asked.

  “I don’t know. I’m not sure if I can handle it.”

  “I’ll respect whatever you decide, but I think you should. You need closure and I’ll be right beside you if you need me.”

  He reached across the console and took my hand. “I know you will. I’ll try, but if I want to leave, we leave. Deal?”

  “Deal.” I held his hand tightly.

  The cemetery where they were buried was only a few miles from their house. Drake took a couple of wrong turns, but we eventually found it. It was small but well taken care of. We were both silent as Drake drove through the area until we stopped near the back.

  “They’re over there.” He shut off the car.

  “Do you want me to wait in the car or come with you?” I asked.

  “I want you with me.”

  We both stepped out of his car and started walking toward the back row of stones. Drake held my hand tightly as if he were afraid that I’d leave him alone. I wouldn’t leave him though. I knew he needed this to help him accept that they were really gone. He stopped when we reached a large stone with the name Allen written across the top of it. Underneath were his parents’ names, Diane and Landon.

  “There’s nothing on their graves. We should’ve brought flowers or something,” he said.

  “I don’t think they care about that. I’m sure they’re just happy that you came back.”

  “I shouldn’t have stayed away for so long. I just couldn’t face coming here. I was just a kid when it happened, and then life started happening, and I pushed it away. Coming here makes it real. I can’t pretend that it was just a bad dream. I’m staring at their fucking graves. Graves—that’s all that’s left of them in this world. How is that fucking fair? What did I do to deserve losing them?” With each spoken sentence, his voice grew until he was shouting.

  I felt helpless as I watched him drop to his knees and fall apart beside me. He was in so much pain, and I couldn’t do anything to help ease it. He’d pushed their deaths away for so long, and now, all of the pain and guilt was too much. It was crippling him.

  I dropped down beside him and lifted his head with my hand. “Look at me. You did nothing to deserve losing them. Nothing! You were a child, Drake. This world can be a terrible place, and every day, people go through things that they shouldn’t have to. You just need to remember that there are people here who care about you, and they want to help you heal.”

  “I’m so lost, Chloe. I think I always have been.”

  “I’ll help you find your way. You are such an incredible person, and that shines through even when you try to hide it. None of us are perfect, and we never will be.”

  “I don’t want to screw up and lose you again. I can’t handle it.”

  “Don’t be afraid of that. I’m not going anywhere.”

  Tears were sliding down his cheeks as he turned to look at his parents’ graves. “Do you think they’d be proud of me? I’ve screwed up so much in my life.”

  “We all screw up. I think they would be proud of the man their son has become.”

  He pulled me against him and hugged me tightly. “Thank you for making me do this.”

  “You have to accept your past before you can move toward your future. Accepting their deaths is just one part of your past.”

  “I just miss them so much.”

  “I know you do. My mom was a terrible person, and I still miss her.”

  He smiled. “Only you could miss Andrea.”

  I sighed. “I know. I just can’t help it. She was my mom even though she never wanted to be.”

  “Your problem is that you care too much.” He kissed my forehead. “But it’s a good problem to have.”

  “Thanks.” I rested my head on his shoulder. “I’m going to go back to the car. You need time here by yourself. I’ll be right there if you need me.”

  “Okay.” He released me and turned back to the graves in front of us.

  I stood and walked back to the car.

  I watched from the passenger seat as Drake sat down on the ground in front of his parents’ grave. I could see his lips moving as he spoke to them, and I prayed that he took the time to say everything he needed to say. He needed this. He was so broken inside, but he always hid it so well. It was time that he let it all go before it destroyed him. After all, it nearly had. He’d almost lost everything because he refused to deal with the hard things in life.

  I must have dozed off because I woke up when I heard Drake getting in and starting the car. I rubbed my eyes and stretched as he drove around the circle to get out of the cemetery. I felt like the worst girlfriend ever for sleeping when he needed me.

  “Are you okay?” I asked.

  “I will be.”

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “Nah, I’m talked out at this point. I told them everything I had to say.”

  I grabbed his hand and held it tightly. “I’m glad.”

  “I think I needed that, so I could let go. I’ve been holding on to them for too long, and it was destroying me. Dr. Peters and you have helped me realize that. I said my good-byes, and now I need to move on.”

  “You never have to forget them, Drake. We can always come back whenever you want.”

  “I know.”

  My stomach started growling around the time we hit the Oklahoma border. Drake stopped at a small diner, and we spent over an hour there, just relaxing and enjoying our food. I’d noticed that he was taking his time with everything on this trip. It was like he was trying to prolong our time alone together for as long as possible.

  When I asked him about it, he shrugged.

  “We aren’t part of the rest of the world until we get back to L.A. I don’t want anything to interfere with us, and I know it will once we get back. I want to enjoy the time alone with you.”

  I smiled. There was my Drake. “I love you.”

  He gave me a strange look. “I love you, too. Why are you telling me now?”

  “Because that was one of the sweetest things I�
�ve ever heard.”

  By the time we hit Tulsa, it was starting to get dark. I could tell that Drake was getting worn out from driving all day, and I asked him to stop for the night. He found a hotel that was much like the last one we’d stayed at.

  We checked in and headed to our room. I grabbed my pajamas and went to take a shower. After being stuck in a car all day, it felt nice to stretch my muscles as I showered. The warm water was relaxing as it washed the day from my skin.

  I finished my shower, dressed, and went back into the room. I settled down onto the bed as Drake took a shower. This time, he hadn’t bothered with asking me if a single bed was okay. I didn’t mind at all. I’d missed snuggling with him when we were apart. I kept telling myself that we had to take things slow, but I felt my resolve waver when he stepped out of the bathroom in only his boxers again. The fact that he’d opened up to me today, letting me see his vulnerable side, didn’t help either. It made my plan ten times harder.

  The Drake that had pushed me away was long gone, and my Drake was back. He was the one who had stolen my heart so long ago, and I couldn’t deny him anything. I knew I’d had a good reason for needing to go slow, but as he lay down beside me, I couldn’t seem to think of it.

  “I’m beat.” He yawned.

  “Why don’t you let me drive tomorrow?”

  “I might take you up on that, but you have to sign a waiver before I let my baby go.”

  I rolled my eyes. “It’s just a car.”

  “It’s my baby. Period.”

  “Men,” I grumbled as I rolled over and snuggled up to him.

  “I’m only kidding. You know I trust you with my car. It’s Adam who I would never let behind the wheel.” He shuddered visibly.

  He wrapped his arm around me and kissed the top of my head. This was heaven. I relaxed further into him as I drifted off to sleep.

  I woke up the next morning to Drake rubbing small circles across my lower back. I kept my eyes shut, knowing that he would stop if he knew I was awake. He pushed my shirt up as he started rubbing higher and higher. He moved his hand back down, so it was resting on my hip as he continued to make those circles across my skin. I squeezed my eyes shut while I tried to keep my breathing under control. God, I’d missed his touch so much.

  When he scooted closer, I could tell just how turned-on he was. I felt the length of him pressed against my bottom. He was hard and ready. I couldn’t stop the tiny moan that escaped my lips.

  His hand froze. “Are you awake?” he whispered.

  “Nope,” I mumbled back.

  He leaned in and kissed the back of my neck. “Faker. How long have you been awake?”

  “Long enough to know you were feeling me up.”

  “I was not feeling you up. I was rubbing your back.”

  “But you wanted to feel me up.” I rolled over to look at him.

  “True, but I was trying to follow your rules.”

  I studied him closely. “It’s driving you nuts, isn’t it? Not being together, I mean.”

  “It is, but I understand why you’re doing this. You don’t want us to move too fast before we get back to the way we were.”

  I sighed. “It’s that, but a part of me is afraid that I’ll get too close to you too fast. I just don’t want to get hurt again. We both promised to go slow when you asked me to marry you. Healing in reverse, remember?”

  He cupped my face as he kissed me gently. “I’ll never hurt you again.”

  “I love you, Drake, so much.”

  “I love you, too. No matter what happens, you’ll always have me.”

  I pulled him closer and kissed him deeply. I couldn’t help myself. No matter how many times I’d told myself to take things slow, it just wasn’t happening. We’d been apart for so long, and enough was enough. Besides, I could never deny Drake. Since day one, I couldn’t stay away from him. Even in the beginning, nothing had ever been slow with Drake and me. From the first time we met until everything came crashing down around us, our entire relationship had moved at warp speed. That was just how we were, and nothing would ever change that, no matter what we did.

  I parted my lips, and his tongue slipped inside. I moaned as I felt his tongue ring against my tongue. That damn thing was so fucking erotic. His hand went back to rubbing my hip as I ran my nails down his back. He pulled away and started kissing my neck before he moved toward my ear.

  “What are we doing?” he whispered.

  “Kissing,” I replied.

  “We’re moving in another direction here, and I need to know if it’s okay. I’ll stop if it’s not.”

  “I don’t want to stop,” I said and I meant it.

  “Thank God,” he said. He started kissing my lips again. “If you told me to stop, I was going to go crazy. I want you so fucking bad.”

  There were no words for a while after that. After he pulled off my shirt and tossed it aside, his hands roamed across my body. I sucked in a deep breath when he flicked his tongue across my nipple. He took his time exploring my body with his mouth before he found my breast again. I dug my nails into his back as he started sucking and biting. He released my nipple and started kissing down my stomach.

  “Hands above your head,” he said.

  “I can’t,” I mumbled. I raised my arms and started running my fingers through his hair.

  He looked up at me. “I told you a long time ago that I would tie you up if you didn’t listen to me.”

  “You wouldn’t dare.”

  He laughed. “I would, but not yet. One of these days though, I will. That’s a promise.”

  A shiver ran through my body at the thought. I wanted him to, badly, but I wasn’t ready for that just yet.

  I nodded. I felt vulnerable and exposed when we were together like this, but then again, I always did when I was with Drake. He had every part of me—my heart, my soul, and my body. So yes, I was always vulnerable when it came to him. I tried to calm my racing heart as he started kissing me again.

  He ran his tongue between my breasts and then slowly down my stomach to where my sleep shorts were sitting low on my hips. He used his teeth to slowly pull them down, and I lifted my hips to help him. When they were gone, he pulled off my underwear next. I felt the impulse to cover myself, but I didn’t. I loved him and I wouldn’t let my shyness get in the way of our healing. Or the awesome sex that was about to happen.

  When he sat up and stared down at my naked body, I felt my body respond instantly to the lust in his eyes. My core was aching, and my nipples tightened almost painfully. It had been far too long since we’d been together.

  “You’re so goddamn beautiful. You’re mine, Chloe, and if anyone ever touches you, I’ll kill them. I won’t lose you again.”

  Before I could respond, he pushed apart my legs and lowered himself between them. When his tongue swiped against my clit, my entire body came up off the bed as I shouted his name. He ran his tongue back and forth before thrusting it into me. I couldn’t stop myself as my hips came up off the bed to meet him each time. As he tongue-fucked me, he started rubbing his thumb against my clit. The world exploded before my eyes as I came. I lowered my hands and grabbed his hair, holding him in place.

  Before I could recover, he forced my hands to let go of his hair as he stood up. I couldn’t look away as he pulled off his boxers. I felt my cheeks turn red as I stared at him, all of him. He smirked at me as he climbed back into bed with me. He hovered over me long enough to kiss me before he slipped himself inside me.

  “Oh my God!” I managed to gasp out as he entered.

  It had been a long time, and it hurt as he thrust into me. Once he was fully inside me, he stopped, giving me time to get used to him again.

  He moaned. “Jesus, you’re so fucking tight.”

  “I’m sorry. I know it has to be hurting you, too. I haven’t been with anyone since you,” I whispered.

  “It’s a good kind of pain. I love that you’ve not been with anyone else. This,” he said, pulling out and thrust
ing back in deeply, “is mine and mine alone.”

  “I’m yours. There was never any question of that.”

  He started thrusting again, slowly at first to let me get used to his size. He took his time working me to the brink and then stopping just before I came. This was the most beautiful form of torture that I could think of.

  “Please stop teasing. I can’t take it anymore,” I pleaded.

  “All you have to do is tell me what you want.” He started kissing my neck.

  “You know what I want. You always have.”

  “I want to hear you say it. I need to hear you say it.”

  He lowered his head down to suck on my nipple. He was still inside me, and I squeezed my muscles around his shaft.

  A gasp escaped him. “Fuck!” he growled.

  “Drake, please.”

  “Tell.” Thrust. “Me.” Thrust. “What.” Thrust. “You.” Thrust. “Want.”

  His thrusts were shallow, teasing. I tried to wiggle my body closer to his, but it was no use. I was at his mercy.

  “I want you to fuck me!” I finally yelled.

  “That’s all I needed to hear.”

  With that, the teasing was gone. Drake started thrusting hard and fast into me, over and over again. I wrapped my legs around his waist to allow him to go deeper. My fingernails dug into his shoulders. I knew that I was going to leave marks, but I didn’t care. I could feel myself ready to explode, but I held back. I didn’t want this to end.

  “I love feeling you so tight and hot around me. I could die right now and be okay with it. I can’t think of a better way to go,” he growled as he continued to pound into me.

  “I can’t hold on much longer,” I gasped out.

  “Let go!”

  I shook my head. I didn’t want this to end.

  He smiled deviously. “Fine, make me work for it.”

  I didn’t think he could go any harder, but he did. I screamed out as the force of his thrusts pushed me farther up the bed. Jesus, I couldn’t hold on. I felt his piercing hit that one special spot over and over. I came, screaming, as I clawed at his back. He continued to pound into me as I came until he couldn’t hold back any longer. With one final thrust, he came.