My Insanity

by Martin Länger

  “You're only five years younger than me, which means I'm not that old… yet.”

  “Hehe fine, I'll let it go just this one time,” like a tornado a young man appeared abruptly in front of them while leaning into the door frame with a relaxed stance and a mischievous grin. It was almost as if he was trying to rival Delirias himself, without the underlying malice.

  Gwyn's friend Tyr was easily recognizable by his toned figure, which was dressed, as Gwyn was used to, in a scraggy shirt and plain pants. He always admired how Tyr didn’t bother how he looked, except for his hair that he was quite proud of. He had long, dark brown hair, just like Gwyn's. However, unlike his, Tyr's always looked neat and clean, combed to the side. He had green-hazel eyes and long eyelashes, which distracted from his youthful looks.

  The most unique thing about him, one that Gwyn strangely always looked forward to, was something Tyr had since their childhood. In his otherwise perfect hair, there was a big, white, flawless strain of hair. It fell into his face whenever he swept through it, trying to cover it up.

  “Enough staring for today, Gwyn, even though I'm currently single,” he sarcastically remarked with a raised eyebrow as he felt Gwyn’s gaze resting on him. Tyr jumped from the little step, which was leading to the next room and oriented himself towards him.

  “What brings you to me this time, old pal? Did you finally finish the stories for the children's book that I contacted you about?”

  “Ah… eh, yes, at least I know what you're talking about,” Gwyn muttered, clutching at straws. “That I'm not able to write properly was the kickstarter for this whole nightmare of a mess,” he thought in his mind right after.

  “Alright then, let me give you a big one first. You look quite pale,” Tyr went and tightly hugged his old friend with a heartfelt tap on his shoulder.

  “You will manage somehow, I'm sure of it. You're definitely the right one for this contract,” he said just before he started to roam the shop and started fiddling with his shirt.

  “It doesn't seem to be that way…” Gwyn whispered, “I still haven't finished anything.”

  “But you're wrestling with it, that is something,” Tyr argued full of confidence.

  “Yes, but…”

  “No 'buts'!” Gwyn was interrupted, without a chance to disagree. “I know full well that you can do it and I have complete trust in your abilities. Even though it is taking its time. As long as you're not dying of hunger, I'll gladly help you with your dreams.”

  “Dreams, huh?” Delirias repeated snappily while leaning onto the shelves in relaxation, watching over the two childhood friends.

  Tyr continued as Gwyn stayed silent. “I will never forget how I grabbed your notes for the first time when we were little monsters roaming day in, day out. I was never grabbed with such immense curiosity and excitement before from something that someone had written,” he rejoiced while thinking back. “On that day I finally understood why my parents still manage and run this shop. I was fascinated by the thought what kind of stories you would be capable of conjuring into our world.”

  Lost in his memories, he watched the top shelves, and his green-hazel eyes began to sparkle.

  “I will also never forget how I seemingly cannot understand what was so damn fascinating about it. It felt kind of dull to me,” Gwyn laughed heavily and sat down on the step next to the counter.

  “Well, back then no one could know that there was something useful in that weird melon resting on your shoulders,” Tyr chuckled and knocked with his knuckles on Gwyn's skull before he hopped onto the counter with his hip.

  “But in all seriousness, if you're not here about work, what's it about then? You look even worse than usual, pal. Or are you here for my parents?” he quickly added.

  “No, nothing of the sorts. I don't really know how to explain it, but I hoped you could help me with something.”

  Gwyn stood up and explained further. “I'm looking for a certain type of books,” he pulled a little note out of his coat pockets and put it into Tyr's hand.

  “You know your way around the shop just as good as your parents. I thought if there is one of these books lying around here then you could find it.”

  “Ha! I appreciate your trust in our family,” Tyr bounced down. “Nothing simpler than that for someone like me.”

  Gwyn just stood there and watched as his friend rushed from chamber to chamber. It was like he knew exactly where every single book was, without looking at any of the registries. They were all in different places, which seemed chaotic to outsiders, but Tyr’s family were masters in the art of managing their books. That was also one of the reasons this shop had stood for so long. Its unique character and simple charm seduced Gwyn every time he visited.

  “But why books about personality disorders, hm?” Gwyn heard his friend shouting through the corridors. “I hope you don't plan on using this for the children's stories, or do you? We already went through this!”

  “Haha, no. Don't worry,” Gwyn smiled at the matter, but almost immediately stopped as he saw Delirias smirking in the corner of his eye.

  “Alright then, tell me,” the young friend answered impatiently.

  “It's more of a personal affair,” Gwyn almost hesitated about telling his friend but went through with it. “These past few days I somehow have the feeling that I’m losing touch with reality. More and more, as if I'm losing myself – if that makes sense. It's an explanation in progress…” Gwyn brought forth with blushing cheeks.

  “Hmm? That really doesn't sound good. You realize that, don’t you?”

  “I don't know myself, Tyr. Somehow I have this feeling of not belonging here,” Gwyn added.

  “That is because you have no patience,” Tyr shook his head with an empathetic tone. “You want everything sorted out instantaneously. Sometimes things take time. Even more so to understand them and to be able to solve them,” Tyr said, after returning from his book search and unloaded a huge staple of books, right in front of Gwyn's eyes, onto the counter.

  “Maybe you're right. It annoys me that I don't have a solution. It can't and shouldn’t be this hard to get to a reasonable answer,” Gwyn uttered.

  “If life’s problems could be solved within a minute of thinking, nobody would ever have any worries whatsoever. So, keep your head up! You will manage,” Tyr chortled happily to himself.

  “I hate it when you make solving problems look so easy…” Gwyn moaned, as his friend’s grin only widened. “Still…” He paused and thought back to the events of these past two days. The life that he believed to be reigned by monotony was entirely turned upside down. The uneven path that he aimlessly walked on his whole life seemed to fade away. He was alone and irritated in an everlasting darkness. “Still I have a feeling that I'm the only one who can do something about it,” Gwyn pointed out.

  “That's never a bad thought. Unfortunately, it's on the verge of becoming a verbiage, but if you need anything, Gwyn, and I mean anything, just tell me,” said Tyr, as he was preparing a bag for the books. “Besides…” he pitched in, “Everyone is living in their own reality. That what we accept as right and true is only based off of the things we experience around us. Many times we are trapped in our own concepts on how the world should be. Sometimes we’re in too deep, and we fail to see what is lying beneath it,” he softly pressed his fist onto Gwyn’s chest.

  “But the good thing about all of this is that we have the opportunity to get out of this vicious cycle. We can stop it ourselves, so don’t lose hope yet, you hear me?”

  “Kiki, maybe this Tyr kid isn't so bad after all.” Gwyn overheard Delirias who was clucking like a hen. Gwyn was proud of his friend, just as always. Tyr’s positive outlook was always more comforting than the gloomy mindset that was leading him around every day, repeating the same thoughts over and over again.

  “Hmpf…” Gwyn grumbled. “Maybe you're right after all… even if you’re a know-it-all.”

  “Of course I am, you grumpy old man,” his friend with
the unusual hairdo smiled back at him.

  “I'll manage somehow, and then I will finish your contract. I promise,” Gwyn answered.

  “Wonderful,” Tyr tapped on his back, “then don't let anyone stop you. You know, no matter what happens and how many people doubt you – I know your potential, and I believe in you.” With these last words the two friends said their goodbyes and Gwyn headed outside with his aspect in tow.

  “Interesting friend you have there. Maybe you're not a lost cause after all,” Delirias marveled while jumping up the stairs.

  “As if it mattered what you think,” his partner commented, “but you're right. Tyr is one hell of a person. He was always someone special, unlike me who got lost on the way.”

  Gwyn was promptly stopped in his misery when Delirias changed his features and put on a serious look.

  “I don't want to needlessly scare you, even more so after your endearing meet up with your youngling, but it may be of interest to you, that it seems that we are still being followed.”

  The young man was in shock as he suddenly remembered the reality that he so desperately tried to forget about. He cautiously started to look around, searching for any suspicious characters. Meanwhile, a bright grin grew underneath Delirias’ hood, as he calmly leaned towards Gwyn's side. “Paranoia is no good. Maybe we should get going.”

  Gwyn nodded in agreement. His steps became faster as he made his way through the seas of people in the streets.

  “Gwyn!” His aspect spoke to him, while they were almost running again. “There are more than I previously thought and they’re getting closer. We should hurry!”

  He didn't want to believe Delirias’ words, but just as he turned around to listen, he caught a few glimpses of shady figures in the crowd. They matched his glance, and it looked like they were about to follow him.

  His heartbeat felt as loud as a drum. His eyes stopped blinking in panic and Gwyn was under the impression that they were about to pop out of his skull. He was drenched in sweat as he made his way forward. Gwyn was so far gone in his mind, that he didn't even realize that he was losing the books that Tyr gave him. He even ignored the people who were trying to help him pick them up. The only thought on his mind was focused on his escape.

  “I hope you have another ace up your sleeve kid. Otherwise, our shared journey might end prematurely,” Delirias spoke, while having a hard time to resist his laughter.

  “This can't be true! I wanted to be someone special, but not like this … not like this … DAMNIT!” the thoughts dashed through Gwyn's mind. He started sprinting as fast as he could while pushing other people out of the way. “Is this the price I have to pay for my wish?”

  “What's this all about, little one? Don't' tell me running was your whole plan?”, Delirias' voice echoed from behind.

  “I NEVER HAD ONE, YOU MANIAC!” Gwyn snapped at him.

  “No reason to be so abusive,” the aspect snorted petulantly.

  “This is not the right time to be moping around. Help me! WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?!”

  “Kikiki, so now someone else shall show you the way of life? Looks like you prefer to take the easy way out, huh? Don't you recognize how pathetic that sounds?” answered the fraudulent aspect.

  “Why am I even asking you?” Gwyn had enough. He shifted his focus away from Delirias and ran, hoping a solution would fall into his lap. Standing still for even one more moment made him feel so terrified, that he wished his legs would never give in. Even though he didn't identify any of their pursuers, he could feel their cold grips laid upon him like heavy chains, revolving around his heart. A fear of failure came about him. Something he knew all too well.

  “Enough, it just has to be enough at some point,” he gasped for air as he came to a halt at an old industrial building. While he was out of breath, Delirias kept up without a problem and started to look around the place.

  “This looks suitable,” he said and kicked down the ironclad door, bursting it out of its frame, sending it flying into the giant hall inside. Right then Gwyn had a spare moment to wonder how Delirias could physically interact with their world but quickly stopped, as he was seeking shelter, trying to calm himself. He felt a sudden pain rising in his feet as he followed Delirias into the building.

  The hall they found themselves in looked more like a departed airplane hangar than anything else. Everywhere he looked he found enormous metal hooks spun down from the ceiling with big fans mounted on the outside walls. The ground was covered in old metal parts and dirt, decorated with puddles, looking even worse off. Through the holes in the roof a few rays of sunlight shone through, giving him a source of light. Plants sprouted from the ground, slowly taking over the remnants of the old machines lying around. Out of nowhere, Gwyn could hear the hands of Delirias clapping together, as he cleaned the dust from his hands. The entrance was now closed shut by same old metal parts, he saw a few moments ago.

  “Finally that's done. Now on to us two beauties, my dear Gwyn. Time for some real talk between two men.” His derisive voice echoed through the room.

  “There's nothing to talk about. If it were about me, you were not even allowed to exist.” Gwyn was furious.

  “So you still think I'm some kind of illusion, huh? An illusion in your 'oh so important' reality?” Delirias’ mocking grin was forming again.

  “What else could it be?! Don't start this nonsense of you being real. Nobody can even see you, except for myself,” Gwyn objected promptly, “that I'm even talking to you is already too much recognition.”

  “Well then, let me ask you something, little one. Is it not the case that you're the one asking yourself where your life is leading you? What your purpose is in the grand scheme of this universe?”

  “Irrelevant, everyone asks themselves those questions!”

  “That's exactly it, but how many actually follow through on these thoughts? I'm not judging you, Gwyn, I am sympathizing,” Delirias started to walk next to Gwyn, gesticulating proudly with his hands as he prolonged.

  “A world with so many humans. Each with different expectations of right and wrong. A world full of so many rules and so many variables. How should anyone know what's the right thing even supposed to mean? Is there even true peace or can you only force humanity to be happy? Aren’t these terrifying thoughts, Gwyn?”

  Gwyn thought that he wanted to stop him, but there was also a sense of fascination in his words, making him think it wouldn't hurt to at least listen to what he had to say.

  “Ruled by so many emotions and thoughts. So much happening in your unconscious, without a hunch of what it could really mean. You are lying to yourself. 'It will manage itself somehow' you say while fueling these foolish actions, that let yourself stagnate further and further.”

  “W-what do you mean by all of this?” Gwyn stuttered slightly, as he tried to grasp the situation. It was a new kind of difficult situation for him since all those thoughts that were uttered by this white-haired creature were thoughts he once had himself. Though he never came up with a solution for them. It may have been the reason why he wouldn't stop listening, even though he knew, he probably shouldn't.

  “My dear, dear, Gwnny,” Delirias laid his arm around him. “You're a righteous human being, aren't you? You would never support ideals that would hurt others and view them as one of the ultimate truths in your life. You’re so noble and innocent, if I may say so,” he clicked with his long tongue. “But why is it then, that a man of such strong conviction, cannot bring himself to see things through? That some poor innocent being like you has to suffer through this endless stagnation? Why is someone so noble so easily confused by his own actions and thoughts? Why don't you think about what's right for you?”

  Delirias threw his hands in the air, as the speed of his speech increased.

  “Obviously you'd have to deal with pain and discomfort to confront your shortcomings, and who would like that?! It’s insane, right? Things that are really important to us are viewed as secondary. Would we really be rea
dy to sacrifice the comfortable person we are today to embark into an unknown future? I think you know the answer. Almost no one would.”

  “That's enough!” Gwyn finally proclaimed while he formed a fist with his fingers.

  “Oh no, honey, this is only the beginning. This world is rotten, but it is not lost yet. It's insanity to believe the status quo will lead us into a new age. It is time to tear down the concepts of this world – PIECE BY PIECE! Every wall has to be broken down, with a pencil and bloody fingers if need be. Soon there will be no time for 'what if's'.“

  Now Gwyn actively tried to stop listening, but it seemed impossible. All of this was like it was stolen right out of his mind and twisted in a perverse and strange direction. He couldn't shake the feeling that he might've thought like this one day. Gwyn started to feel sick to his stomach as he envisioned himself. While trying come up with a counter-argument, his vision already started to blur. The giant fans in the hall were being set into motion and the figure, dressed in black and green, stood before him. He lifted his arms skyward and spread his fingers in Gwyn’s direction, until the green eyes were shimmering in his blurry vision. Delirias’ coat began to flutter, as both felt heavy gusts around them, swirling up the dust and dirt in their surroundings.

  “It will never be over. Every day we fear to think outside the borders we set for ourselves. We are no demolishers. We are no discoverers. We build the walls around us, piece by piece until the stones close the last hole that we once called our freedom. We have built our own memorial that will suffocate us forever. Welcomed by us with a smile,” he yelled as loud and piercingly as he could.

  “Who shall save us, if we don’t do it?! The lies we tell ourselves have to come to an end.”

  Gwyn was frozen as the growing winds were gusting around him. He never felt such terror before, that was gushing out of his core, from every pore of his body. In his impaired vision, it looked like the factory building was slowly decimated by a huge tornado, and he was right in the middle of it. His ability to breathe got heavier and his head slowly sunk to his knees. For a moment it was like Delirias disappeared completely and he was ready to utter a sigh of relief, but then the unimaginable happened.