My Insanity

by Martin Länger

  It was just like Passionare had described it to them. After walking a few miles, they arrived at the edge of the sin’s world. A giant, unyielding river was running through the land. Thick fog covered the surface, rising up so far that it created a wall that blocked their view off from the other side. It also made it harder to guess how deep the river ran. A few feet below them the water felt like it was almost boiling, having a life of its own. Waves were continuously bursting out of the fog, splashing water upwards.

  “Pheeew,” Delirias whistled as he looked down. “Well then, boys. This is it. I think it's not that deep. You should try it. Firsthand experience is always welcome at a new job.”

  “Stop kidding. There is no way that we could climb up on the other side,” Leandro started to argue with Delirias crossing his arms in the process.

  “I can't believe it, either,” Gwyn intervened. “I can't even see the other end because the fog, and Greed, just like Despair, made it possible for whole armies to walk right through?” he expressed his disbelief.

  “I can try to throw you onto the other side if that is your wish?” Delirias joked while also preparing the chains in his fists.

  “Alright, alright,” Gwyn answered.

  “I'm going first!” Leandro burst forth.

  “Wait, Leandro! Let's think about this a bi-” but he was stopped by the gesture of the black-haired man.

  “You are always the one storming in, and now I will do my part,” he winked at Gwyn.

  “We have come so far. I'm sure we can make it through the rest as well, together.”

  Out of nowhere, he let himself fall into the river, closing his eyes.

  Destare immediately jumped after him. In his last moments, before his mind expected to be either soaked by water or completely obliterated, he held one more thought close to his heart.

  “Don't worry about me. We all have our problems. Most of us aren’t where they expected themselves to be - still on the lookout. For me, it only became visible after I had spent time traveling through this world. All the trouble you got yourself into, what may or may not be your downfall, has finally enabled me to start believing in myself once more.. one step at a time.”

  Waiting for the body of the river to engulf him, he waited to no avail. Ready to open his eyes once more, nothing but pitch-black darkness surrounded him. His body fell, and fell, not knowing when it would ever stop. He didn't even feel the fall itself, the air rushing past him or the uncomfortable feeling in his gut that always arrived when he was visiting high places. Doubt tried time and time again to crawl its way back into his mind. Fear was sharpening its claws, ready to pierce his heart, but the young man persevered.

  “It doesn't matter anymore. Whether we will triumph or lose. Just trying to get a grasp on humanity, I will have to start with myself, and I think I finally have a clue as what I should do,” he thought.

  A shining bright light came out of darkness, shining down on him, and making him realize that he wasn't falling anymore. His feet were standing steadily on the ground. His eyes tried to adjust to the new light source until he saw something red coming from the middle, splitting up to the left and right. The light began to shine brighter with Leandro holding his hands upwards. When he eventually came to his senses, he found himself standing on a lifeless stage, nothing but a lone spotlight shone down on him while the stands were empty.

  “Ah, I remember,” he whispered to himself.

  A figure entered the room and sat down in the front row right before the young men. It was a knight that got Leandro's attention with his shining metal armor.

  “So you still remember it. The point where you have brought me to life, rescuing me from the Nothingness,” the knight said.

  “I was speculating about something along those lines, Destare,” he said with a slight smirk. “I still hear their voices loud and clear in my mind.” He closed his eyes and remembered his past, along the voices accompanying it.

  “I knew that you were worthless. You will not drag the name of our honorable family into the mud.”

  “It must be a shock for the family Ravellre that, out of all people, their oldest son was the one who joined that disgusting theatre group.”

  “Your nightly escapades, your dreadful company of these men and women. Is nothing holy to you? If I had known what would become of you, me and your father would've aborted you when we still had the chance.”

  As if the voice of the pasts were coming from the stands, they rang loudly through his heart, and Leandro could feel that all seats were filled. All of their voices shouted his name, demanding him to leave the stage. Only one person was quietly sitting in the crowd and watched over him with his calm look. It was his aspect, Destare.

  “All this time I have watched over you, Leandro,” his human partner began to tear up as Destare spoke.

  “You have called me to your side by yourself. Without you I'd still be trapped in a meaningless existence,” he began to remove the heavy helmet from his head. It was the first time that Leandro had seen the face of his aspect, unable to hold back his feelings.

  An old man emerged from underneath the helmet. His skin wrinkled, smiling at him with heartfelt innocence and compassion. White locks were making up his hairstyle, framing his face in an elegant way, even though the color had faded a long time ago.

  “I didn't know for how long I could carry you on my shoulders, Leandro, but I knew the day would come where you would not need my power any longer.”

  “And still it seems like we are about to end our adventures prematurely,” the young man responded.

  “Yet, you should not feel any regrets. This was your wish, and I respect you all the more for it.”

  “Disappointment,” Leandro whispered. “Would you be so kind and listen to my thoughts one last time?”

  “With pleasure, old friend. They have become my own ever since,”, answered Destare and leaned himself back, whereas all the other voices around them started to fade with Leandro taking a deep breath for his own finale.

  “As much as I want to blame my parents for my shortcomings - the guilt lies with me. Surely, they have started all of this, but I was the one that accepted my stagnation and stopped growing,” his eyes widened, and the spotlight was no longer blinding him.

  “There are no excuses for it or nice sounding rationalizations. No forgiving. There can only be one way, and it is forward,” he sniffled while saying these words, trying his best to have his feelings under control, but he could not stop the big tears rolling over his cheeks while he poured out his heart.

  “Many people told me that I was ambitious. That what I did was special, but deep inside me, I knew that I had never arrived where I wanted to be. I thought myself to be above average, while I can clearly see that I'm just like everyone, maybe even below. Trying to deal with his own fucked up shit, trying to be happy. And that is why I will do my own first step, right in this moment. It will not be perfect, but at least I'm honest with myself, trusting in my own abilities once more.”

  Leandro bowed one last time in front of the remaining audience, and Destare was smiling the brightest he had ever seen him, giving him the applause that he deserved. The spotlight went out, and the curtain closed in front of Leandro Ravellre, his old cufflinks with his family insignia sparkled in the fading light.

  A new debut awaited him on the other side.

  “I hope your courage doesn't leave you with all that shaking you're doing,” giggled Delirias that was standing with Gwyn before the streaming river.

  “It feels like Leandro has been gone for almost an hour. Maybe it really is time that we are on our way.”

  “Maybe it doesn't even work, and we will be shredded into pieces by the strong forces of the current. Have you ever thought about that, huh? My poor skin,” Delirias objected.

  “There is no turning back. I want to see what's on the other side,” his partner explained.

  “Fufuf, yet once again we will jump into the unknown together,”, snicker
ed Delirias again.

  “You know what Delirias…”

  “Hm?!”

  “Somehow I feel more free than usual.”

  “What does that even mean?”

  “I don't know either. I thought you were supposed to say something like this in these kinds of situations.”

  “The nightmare is not over yet, little one. This is only the beginning of something grand!” Delirias grin was only getting bigger.

  “If anything you… H-he--!” right as Gwyn answered, his aspect grabbed his hand, took a run-up and plunged with him into the river.

  Before the young man could even realize what had happened, he was sure he was about to drown, until he found himself transported to a white room.

  He couldn't clearly see the ground, nor the walls, but a feeling of anxiety and claustrophobia was taking over his body.

  “Would you look at that? And here I had indeed wondered how this place would look like for you,” an only too familiar sounding voice resounded behind him.

  “So you're here as well, Delirias.”

  “Who else? You and me are one. If you remember, I told you that when we first met.”

  “Slowly I understand why. You and me are maybe not that different as I initially thought.”

  “Kikiki, isn't it a bit too late to confess your love for me?”

  “Indeed. It's a bit sad. I feel as if I was to start my life for real this time, but I may be closer to the end than I'd like to admit.” A moment of silence returned, until Delirias looked upward and continued the conversation.

  “You can never fully control the human soul. Did you know that, Gwyn? Though you can give it a shove into the desired direction, if you catch my drift.”

  “Can I ask you something?” Gwyn took the initiative, somewhat sure of already knowing the answer to his question. “Why did you choose me?”

  “Choose? Don't fool yourself into thinking you're some kind of stud, honey. There is so much more to all of this then you realize. Everyone who comes here is not a chosen one, neither a chosen human. You are just like everybody else, but that's exactly the point that makes all of it so significant. All of these miserable fools can change something.”

  Gwyn couldn't contain a slight smirk on his face.

  “You like humans more than I would've thought,” his smile remained despite the heavy atmosphere. “Don't worry, Delirias. I know that you're chasing your own goals. At no point in time did I ever stand a chance against you, but I'm glad that you have played along.” The young man put his hand on his head and looked into the white nothingness.

  “For the first time, I had the feeling that I could decide something on my own. To be alive, even if it meant looking like a reckless maniac to everyone who's watching.” Delirias didn't know whether the expression on his partner's face resembled sadness or happiness, yet it was the first time that he couldn't look back at him. This was a new experience for the aspect, and like a rush, it flowed through him, letting him burst out in laughter.

  “It is really incredible what kind of humans are out there. I really don't want to know how many would've raged or cried upon meeting me. How many of them would fall into despair and come crawling back to their mother's lap? But despite all the chaos and insanity, only one idiot remained. The one that nobody expected anything from.” Delirias almost sounded proud. Awkwardly Gwyn scratched the back of his head.

  “It not exactly like that. I'm just here because of the help of other people. I would even go as far as to say that I'm the worst of them all. Too weak to decide on my own, I put even Leandro in danger, and all I can feel aside from my relentless fear and uncertainty is inner peace. I would almost hate myself for it, but it's too satisfying of a feeling.. maybe a scumbag like myself was never meant to be the protagonist of his own story.”

  “Fufufu, I will never understand you, little one, but I'm glad that I found my way to someone as interesting as you are. Maybe I would even respect you one day,” Delirias taunted him.

  “Haha, please don't,” his gaze became moody. “I have waited so long for my chance. Never knowing what I was good at, drifting from one day to another by distracting myself with different things, while time was just flying past me. Behind the illusion that others sure must've had it easier, I have wasted so much time that I want to punish myself for it.” He let out a sigh.

  “I always said that I would begin tomorrow. Tomorrow is the beginning of my new life. Yet in reality, I was scared to see what would happen if I was really giving my all. Thinking about what would happen if, despite all my efforts, I were to fail?”

  “Isn't that normal in your pitiful world?”

  “Maybe, but I think I've gone too far. Even though this wasn't my decision alone, I want to have an active part in it. While searching for the real 'me' with you and Leandro by my side.”

  Delirias was somewhat uncomfortable with how pleased Gwyn was with his usual fate, but that was also the reason why he liked having him by his side.

  “Kiki, frightening. In a mad world, the maniac is king. And here I thought I would have to play along with this little charade forever,” Delirias admitted and giggled alongside his partner.

  “But hey, look at it from this angle. Your whole boring life you wished for something exciting to happen to you, and now your wish will come true.”

  “That's right. That is one thing no one can take from me. So many people can do so much more than me, but coming this far I have to think about the words that Tyr once said to me,” he said as he began to carefully recite his old friend.

  “"I believe that within all of humanity lies an infinite potential. Though I have my doubts sometimes, it is a core belief that has never changed.' I don't care if it's an illusion or not, but I will never stop believing in the fact that we can change something,” Gwyn added the last sentence himself.

  “Looking forward will always be scary and eerie. Yet, if we don't think of ourselves as something superior, accepting our mistakes, then we can become something special. It gives us the possibility to change.”

  “Do you always have to be this sentimental? Stop it at once!” Deliria shook his head while he danced around Gwyn in the empty room. What none of them had noticed were tears that were making their way through the white nothingness, getting bigger and bigger.

  “There will always be sorrow and pain when we try to see who we really are. Disgusting, pitiful and full of vulnerabilities, but that's the beauty of it all. Understanding others requires understanding myself,” Gwyn prolonged, looking at the tears above his head.

  “Hm?! What's going on?” Delirias paused as he took notice of something happening above their heads. “This wasn't planned,” he said with a raised eyebrow. Meanwhile, Gwyn continued without halting.

  “I wish that I could've seen all of this earlier before I was thrown into this place. I'm so thankful that you've been a part of my life, my dear, old friend, Tyr.”

  “Oi! Gwyn! Enough with the monologue. More important problems are creeping up on us,” Delirias shouted at him, but it was already too late.

  The roof above them couldn't hold it in any longer, and with a loud bang, the white roof exploded into tiny pieces with a red transparent liquid raining down on them.

  Gwyn readily accepted every last drop that was pouring down onto his face. He closed his eyes, and in his last moments, he saw Delirias hand reaching out towards him. He had barely closed his eyes, and had already awakened again, but not where he thought they would. The young man found himself standing an unknown, yet familiar ground, as he was surrounded by white grass fields.

  “So you've returned? You’ve surprised me once more, my child,” the voice of Joyce rang through Gwyn's ears.

  “What the… I thought I was still in the river? How did I end up here? Is this the inside of the river?!”

  “Is everything alright? You look confused,” the compassionate woman inspected him from top to bottom as he took a look around. He was back where the white grass was growing on t
he wide fields, with the horizon colored in pink and blue. Just like when he first arrived, Joyce stood before him.

  “I guess you won't help me out this time either,” he rejected her as soon as he realized where he was.

  “Well, did you find your answer by now?”

  “I'm not one hundred percent sure, but I think, I never will.”

  “Come, let us walk a bit,” Joyce embraced the amulet around her neck with her tender fingers, extending her other hand towards Gwyn. With slight hesitation, he followed her, and the two of them wandered through the peaceful fields, where a slight breeze blew.

  “It feels like an eternity where I experienced such a quiet moment,” Gwyn murmured.

  “The subconsciousness is quite something, isn't it?” his acquaintance joked around.

  “Oh yes, though I would've preferred a land with more sunlight.”

  “So that's where you ended up, huh?” giggled the small woman by his side. “Let me guess, ever since you thought of an answer you've been a lot more at peace, right?” she changed the topic, yet Gwyn remained silent after his sentence, prompting her to continue.

  “Isn't that the single greatest feeling in the world? The moment of decision, of progress? A point of no return. It is so wonderful and pure that I simply cannot wait for what you will accomplish next.”

  “If you'd told me that from the beginning I might have understood you a little better, or hell, even liked you a lot more.”

  “Ha! If you like it or not, that was your task to complete,” she seemed proud of herself.

  “But I'm one of the worst there is,” Gwyn explained in a calculated manner. “I will force my ideals onto the world like everybody else. Though, if only one person learns from my mistakes, making the choice not be like me, then I think it wouldn't have been completely pointless.”

  “The individual decides against the masses,” Joyce nodded, agreeing with him. Like a mother hen, she proudly walked next to him.

  “So you're alright with me not caring about the world?” he cautiously asked.

  “What is the world to you? Isn't that way too abstract for one person to shoulder a whole world on his shoulders? I'm proud of you, and I won't judge you for your decision. I'm neither for, nor against it. I'm just happy that you ended up having an answer. I wish you could've stayed for a while longer.” They came to a halt on a small hill, and as Gwyn gazed upon the black trees, with their colorless leaves blowing in the wind, he recognized the deer-like creature from before.