Ravenhill Plays: 1: Shopping and F***ing; Faust is Dead; Handbag; Some Explicit Polaroids (Contemporary Dramatists)

by Ravenhill, Mark

And that’s the moment. That’s our favourite bit.

  Lulu I can see that. Yes.

  Brian Would you say you in any way resembled your father?

  Lulu No. Not really. Not much.

  Brian Your mother?

  Lulu Maybe. Sometimes. Yes.

  Brian You do know who your parents are?

  Lulu Of course. We still . . . you know. Christmas. We spend Christmas together. On the whole.

  Brian writes down ‘celebrates Christmas’.

  Brian So many today are lost. Isn’t that so?

  Lulu I think that’s right. Yes.

  Brian And some come here. They look to me. You’re looking to me, aren’t you?

  Well, aren’t you?

  Lulu Yes. I’m looking to you.

  Brian (proffers plate) Here. Hold it. Just hold it up beside you. See if you look right. Smile. Look interested. Because this is special. You wouldn’t want to part with this. Can you give me that look?

  Lulu attempts the look.

  Brian That’s good. Very good. Our viewers, they have to believe that what we hold up to them is special. For the right sum – life is easier, richer, more fulfilling. And you have to believe that too. Do you think you can do that?

  Again Lulu attempts the look.

  Brian Good. That’s very good. We don’t get many in your league.

  Lulu Really?

  Brian No. That really is very . . . distinctive.

  Lulu Well. Thank you. Thanks.

  Brian And now: ‘Just a few more left. So dial this number now.’

  Lulu Just a few more left. So dial this number now.

  Brian Excellent. Natural. Professional. Excellent.

  Lulu I have had training.

  Brian So you’re . . . ?

  Lulu I’m, a trained actress.

  Brian writes down ‘trained actress’.

  Brian I don’t recognize you.

  Lulu No? Well, probably not.

  Brian Do some for me now.

  Lulu You want me to . . . ?

  Brian I want to see you doing some acting.

  Lulu I didn’t realise. I haven’t prepared.

  Brian Come on. You’re an actress. You must be able to do some acting.

  An actress – if she can’t do acting when she’s asked then what is she?

  She’s nothing.

  Lulu Alright.

  She stands up.

  I haven’t actually done this one before. In front of anyone.

  Brian Never mind. You’re doing it now.

  Lulu One day people will know what all this was for. All this suffering.

  Brian Take your jacket off.

  Lulu I’m sorry?

  Brian I’m asking you to take your jacket off. Can’t act with your jacket on.

  Lulu Actually, I find it helps.

  Brian In what way?

  Lulu The character.

  Brian Yes. But it’s not helping me. I’m here to assess your talents and you’re standing there acting in a jacket.

  Lulu I’d like to keep it on.

  Brian (stands) Alright. I’ll call the girl. Or maybe you remember the way.

  Lulu No.

  Brian What do you mean – no?

  Lulu I mean . . . please I’d like this job. I want to be considered for this job.

  Brian Then we’ll continue. Without the jacket. Yes?

  Lulu removes her jacket. Two chilled ready meals fall to the floor.

  Brian Look at all this.

  They both go to pick up the meals. Brian gets there first.

  Exotic.

  Lulu We’ve got really into them. That’s what we eat. For supper.

  Brian Did you pay for these?

  Lulu Yes.

  Brian Stuffed into your jacket. Did you pay for them?

  Lulu Yes.

  Brian Look me in the eyes. Did. You. Pay?

  Lulu No.

  Brian Stolen goods.

  Lulu We have to eat. We have to get by. I don’t like this. I’m not a shoplifter. By nature. My instinct is for work. I need a job. Please.

  Brian You’re an actress by instinct but theft is a necessity. Unless you can persuade me that I need you.

  Alright. Carry on. Act a bit more.

  No shirt.

  Lulu No . . .

  Brian Carry on without the . . . (what’s the . . . ?) . . . blouse. And the . . .

  Lulu removes her blouse.

  Lulu One day people will know what all this was for. All this suffering. There’ll be no more mysteries. But until then we have to carry on living. We must work. That’s all we can do. I’m leaving by myself tomorrow . . .

  Brian (stifling a sob) Oh God.

  Lulu I’m sorry. Shall I stop?

  Brian Carry on. Please.

  Lulu I’m leaving by myself tomorrow. I’ll teach in a school and devote my whole life to people who need it. It’s autumn now. It will soon be winter and there’ll be snow everywhere. But I’ll be working.

  That’s all.

  Lulu puts her blouse and jacket on.

  Brian (wipes away a tear) Perfect. Brilliant. Did you make it up?

  Lulu No. I learnt it. From a book.

  Brian Brilliant. So you think you can sell?

  Lulu I know I can sell.

  Brian Because you’re an actress?

  Lulu It helps.

  Brian You seem very confident.

  Lulu I am.

  Brian Alright then. A trial. Something by way of a test. I’m going to give you something to sell and we’re going to see how well you do. Clear so far?

  Lulu Totally.

  Lulu Yes.

  Brian You understand that I am entrusting you?

  Lulu I understand.

  Brian I am entrusting you to pass this important test.

  Lulu I’m not going to let you down.

  Brian reaches for his briefcase and starts to open it.

  Scene Three

  Flat.

  Robbie is sitting. He is wearing the uniform of a leading burger chain. Lulu stands over him.

  Robbie And all I’ve said was: With cheese, sir?

  And he just looks at me blankly. Just stares into my eyes.

  And there’s this . . . fear.

  Try again. ‘Would you like cheese on your burger, sir?’

  This is too much for him. I see the bottom lip go. The eyes are filling up.

  Lulu So you told him. And they sacked you?

  Robbie Someone had to. If you were there you’d . . . I decided I’m going to have to tell him. And I say: Look, here you have a choice. For once in your life you have a choice so for fuck’s sake make the most of it.

  Lulu And then they / sacked you?

  Robbie And then. He gets his fork. Grabs this fork. And he jumps over the counter. And he goes for me.

  Lulu With the fork?

  Robbie Goes for me with the fork. Gets me down and stabs me.

  Lulu He stabbed you?

  Beat.

  Robbie It’s nothing.

  Lulu You’re wounded. You should have told me.

  Robbie No. It’s nothing.

  Lulu Where’s the wound then?

  Robbie It snapped. Before it did any damage.

  Lulu ?

  Robbie The fork. It was a plastic fork. It snapped before it did any damage.

  Pause.

  Lulu So . . . no wound? So. Where’s the money going to come from? Who’s gonna pay for everything?

  Robbie You’ll come up with something.

  Lulu Me?

  Robbie Yeah. You’ll sort it out.

  Did you get it?

  Lulu Did I get . . . ?

  Robbie The job. The TV.

  Lulu Well. Yes. They’re taking me on . . .

  Robbie Brilliant. / That’s brilliant.

  Lulu They’re offering me a sort of temporary assignment.

  Robbie Yeah? What sort of . . . ?

  Lulu produces three hundred E in a clear plastic bag.

  Robbie You’re gonna sel
l them?

  Lulu We’re going to sell them. You can make yourself useful.

  Should be three hundred. You can count them.

  Exit Lulu. Robbie starts counting the tablets. Mark enters and watches Robbie, who doesn’t see him until –

  Mark Are you dealing?

  Robbie Fuck. You made me –

  How long have you – ?

  Mark Just now. Are you dealing?

  Robbie That doesn’t . . .

  Pause.

  So. They let you out.

  Mark Sort of.

  Pause.

  Robbie Thought you said months. Did you miss me?

  Mark I missed you both.

  Robbie I missed you. So. I s’pose . . .

  I sort of hoped you’d miss me.

  Mark Yeah. Right.

  Robbie moves to Mark. They kiss.

  Robbie moves to kiss Mark again.

  Mark No.

  Robbie No?

  Mark Sorry.

  Robbie No. That’s OK.

  Mark No, sorry. I mean it. Because actually I’d decided I wasn’t going to do that. I didn’t really want that to happen, you know? Commit myself so quickly to . . . intimacy.

  Robbie OK.

  Mark Just something I’m trying to work through.

  Robbie . . . Work through?

  Mark Yeah. Sort out. In my head.

  We’ve been talking a lot about dependencies. Things you get dependent on.

  Robbie Smack.

  Mark Smack, yes absolutely. But also people. You get dependent on people. Like . . . emotional dependencies. Which are just as addictive, OK?

  Robbie (pause) So – that’s it, is it?

  Mark No.

  Robbie That’s me finished.

  Mark No.

  Robbie ‘Goodbye.’

  Mark I didn’t say that. No. Not goodbye.

  Robbie Then . . . kiss me.

  Mark Look . . . (Turns away.)

  Robbie Fuck off.

  Mark Until I’ve worked this through.

  Pause.

  Robbie Did you use?

  Mark No.

  Robbie Right. You used, they chucked you out.

  Mark Nothing. I’m clean.

  Robbie So . . .

  Pause.

  Mark There are these rules, you see. They make you sign – you agree to this set of rules. One of which I broke.

  OK?

  Robbie Which one?

  Mark It was nothing.

  Robbie Come on.

  Mark I told them. It wasn’t like that. I put my case / but –

  Robbie Tell me.

  Pause.

  Mark No personal relations.

  Robbie Fuck.

  Mark You’re not supposed to – form an attachment.

  Robbie Ah, I see.

  Mark Which I didn’t.

  Robbie So that’s why / you won’t kiss me.

  Mark It wasn’t an attachment.

  Robbie (pause) If you were just honest. / We said we’d be honest.

  Mark It wasn’t like that. I told them ‘You can’t call this a personal relationship.’

  Robbie What was it then?

  Mark More of a . . . transaction. I paid him. I gave him money. And when you’re paying, you can’t call that a personal relationship, can you? / What would you call it?

  Robbie You can’t kiss me. You fucked someone / but you can’t kiss me.

  Mark That would mean something.

  Robbie Who was it?

  Mark Somebody.

  Robbie Tell me who.

  Mark He was called Wayne.

  Robbie Well get you.

  Mark I just – you know – in the shower. Shower and I . . . Saw his bottom. Saw the hole, you know. And I felt like – I wanted to . . . lick it.

  Robbie (pause) That’s it?

  Mark We did a deal. I paid him. We confined ourselves to the lavatory. It didn’t mean anything.

  Robbie Nothing for afters?

  Mark That’s all.

  Robbie Just Lick and Go.

  Mark It wasn’t a personal relation.

  Robbie (lets trousers drop) Well, if you can’t kiss my mouth.

  Mark No. With you – there’s . . . baggage.

  Robbie Well, excuse me. I’ll just have to grow out of it.

  Robbie pulls his trousers up. Pause.

  Mark I’m sorry.

  Robbie Sorry? No. It’s not . . . sorry doesn’t work. Sorry’s not good enough.

  Pause.

  Mark You’re dealing?

  Robbie Doesn’t matter.

  Mark Thought so.

  Robbie Listen, this stuff is happiness. Little moment of heaven. And if I’m spreading a little – no a great big fuck off load of happiness –

  Pause. Robbie picks up an E between thumb and forefinger.

  Mark It’s not real.

  Robbie Listen, if you, if this, this . . . planet is real . . .

  He takes an E. Pause.

  Waiting for you. Do you know what it’s like – waiting? Looking forward to this day – for you to . . . And you – Oh fuck it. Fuck it all.

  Robbie takes another E.

  Enter Lulu with two microwaved ready meals on a tray.

  Lulu I . . . They let you out. It’s sooner . . .

  Mark Yeah. They let me out. Thought I’d come back. See if you’re alright.

  Pause.

  Lulu I’ve only got enough for two.

  Mark Never mind.

  Lulu It’s just hard to share them. They’re done individually.

  Mark Oh well.

  Lulu Well . . . hello.

  Mark Hello.

  Lulu We’ve got really into the little boxes with the whole thing in it. One each.

  Robbie Looks great, doesn’t she?

  Gonna be on TV, aren’t you?

  Lulu They’re . . . considering it. It’s just a / little . . .

  Robbie Just she says. Only. It’s TV.

  Mark Great.

  Robbie You see, we’re doing something? Aren’t we?

  Lulu Yes.

  Robbie We’re working. Providing.

  Mark So will I. Yes. I’ll sort myself out and we’ll be OK.

  Lulu They’re really not made for sharing. It’s difficult.

  Mark It’s OK. I’ll go out.

  Robbie Back to Wayne?

  Mark No. Out. Find some food. Shopping.

  Robbie Don’t just – don’t stand there and judge us.

  Mark Cheeseburger. Some chocolate maybe.

  Robbie I want you to be part of this.

  Mark I’ve hurt you. I see that. But – please just let me . . . I’ve got to take this a step at a time, OK?

  Exit Mark.

  Robbie Cunt. Cunt. / Cunt.

  Lulu I know, I know.

  Robbie Hate the cunt.

  Lulu That’s it. Come on. / Come on.

  Robbie Hate him now.

  Lulu Yes. Yes. Yes.

  Robbie I want him to suffer.

  Pause.

  Lulu Did you count them?

  Robbie Oh. Yes. Yesyesyes.

  Lulu And was it? Three hundred. Exactly.

  Robbie Yes. Three hundred. Exactly.

  Scene Four

  A bedsit.

  Gary is sitting on a tatty armchair. Mark is standing.

  Gary Course, any day now it’ll be virtual. That’s what they reckon.

  Mark I suppose that’s right.

  Gary I’m planning on that. Looking to invest. The Net and the Web and that. You ever done that?

  Mark No. Never.

  Gary Couple of years’ time and we’ll not even meet.

  We’ll be like holograph things. We could look like whatever we wanted. And then we wouldn’t want to meet ’cos we might not look like our holographs. You know what I mean? I think a lot about that kind of stuff me.

  See, I called you back. Don’t do that for everyone.

  Mark Thank you.

  Gary Why d’ya pick me?

  Mark I lik
ed your voice.

  Gary There must have been something special.

  Mark I just thought you had a nice voice.

  Gary How old did you think I was – on the lines?

  Mark I didn’t think about it.

  Gary How old do you want me to be?

  Mark It doesn’t matter.

  Gary Everybody’s got an age they want you to be.

  Mark I’d like you to be yourself.

  Gary That’s a new one.

  Mark I’d like to keep things straightforward.

  Gary You’re in charge. Make yerself at home.

  D’you want porn? I mean, it’s mostly women and that but it’s something.

  (Indicating porn.) She looks rough, doesn’t she? Would you shag her?

  Mark No. Let’s leave the porn.

  Gary Or we could do some like . . . stuff, y’know.

  He pulls out a packet of cocaine.

  Share it with you.

  Mark No. Thank you.

  Gary It’s thrown in. There’s no / extra cost.

  Mark I don’t want any.

  Gary It’s quality. He don’t give me rubbish.

  Mark Put it away.

  Gary I int gonna poison ya.

  Mark Put the fucking stuff away.

  Gary Alright, alright. Don’t get knocky.

  Pause.

  Mark I’m going to have to go.

  Gary You only just got here.

  Mark I can’t be around people who use.

  Gary Alright. Look. I’m putting it away.

  He puts the packet in his trouser pocket.

  See? All gone.

  You stopping?

  Mark I’m sorry. I’m really sorry but I suppose I was threatened by your actions. And my fear led me to an . . . outburst. Which I now regret. It’s just very important to me. And I’d like you to acknowledge that.

  Gary You God Squad?

  Mark I’m sorry?

  Gary I had ’em before. We’re at it and he kept going on about Lamb of Jesus. Hit me. I give as good as I took.

  Mark No. I’m not God Squad.

  Gary Just got a thing about druggies?

  Mark I have a history of substance abuse.

  Gary You’re a druggie?

  Mark I’m a recovering substance abuser.

  Gary You’re not a druggie?

  Mark I used to be a druggie.

  Gary Got you. So what you into?

  Mark You mean . . .

  Gary Sexwise.

  Mark Sexwise, I’d say I’m into the usual things.

  Gary So, you’re looking for regular?

  Mark Pretty regular. The important thing for me right now, for my needs, is that this doesn’t actually mean anything, you know?

  Which is why I wanted something that was a transaction. Because I thought if I pay then it won’t mean anything. Do you think that’s right – in your experience?