Ravenhill Plays: 1: Shopping and F***ing; Faust is Dead; Handbag; Some Explicit Polaroids (Contemporary Dramatists)

by Ravenhill, Mark

  Mark P. Harmsden.

  Gary You remember? Last night. Poppers. Kept on hitting himself.

  Mark Ah. P. Harmsden.

  Gary Right then. Get it off and then we’re eating out. My treat.

  Mark Why don’t you . . . wait outside?

  Gary I’m not bothered.

  Mark Have a look round. I’ll only be a few minutes.

  Gary Too late now. I’ve seen it.

  Mark Seen the . . . ?

  Gary Seen the hard-on.

  Mark Ah yes. The hard-on.

  Gary Must be aching by now. Up all day.

  Is it the shopping does that?

  You gotta thing about shopping?

  Or is it ’cos of me?

  Mark Yes. That’s right. It’s because of you.

  Gary Right.

  What’s going on in your head?

  I mean, I can see what’s going on in your pants but what’s in there?

  Tell me.

  Mark Nothing. Look. It’s just a physical thing, you know?

  Gary So why don’t you say what you want. Do you want to kiss me?

  Mark Yes.

  Gary Go on then.

  Mark Listen, if we do . . . anything, it’s got to mean nothing, you understand?

  Gary Course.

  Mark If I feel like it’s starting to mean something then I’ll stop.

  Gary You can kiss me like a gentle kiss. Me mum, she’s got a nice kiss.

  Mark kisses Gary.

  Gary How was that?

  Mark Yes. That was alright.

  Gary How old do you think I am?

  Mark I don’t know.

  Gary When you met me – what did you think?

  Mark I don’t . . . sort of sixteen, seventeen.

  Gary Right. Bit more?

  Mark Bit more.

  He kisses Gary again. This time it becomes more sexual. Eventually, Mark pulls away.

  No. I don’t want this.

  Gary I knew it. You’ve fallen for me.

  Mark Fuck. I really thought I’d broken this, you know?

  Gary Do you love me? Is that what it is? Love?

  Mark I don’t know. How would you define that word? There’s a physical thing, yes. A sort of wanting which isn’t love is it? No, That’s well, desire. But then, yes, there’s an attachment I suppose. There’s also that. Which means I want to be with you, Now, here, when you’re with me I feel like a person and if you’re not with me I feel less like a person.

  Gary So is that love then?

  Say what you mean.

  Mark Yes.

  I love you.

  Gary See.

  Mark But what I’d like to do – now that I’ve said that which was probably very foolish – what I’d like to do is move forward from this point and try to develop a relationship that is mutual, in which there’s a respect, a recognition of the other’s needs.

  Gary I didn’t feel anything.

  Mark No?

  Gary When you kissed me. Nothing.

  Mark I see.

  Gary Which means . . . gives me the power, doesn’t it? So I’ll tell you. You’re not what I’m after. I don’t want it like that.

  Mark But over a period of time . . .

  Gary No.

  Mark You see, if you’ve never actually been loved –

  Gary I’m not after love. I want to be owned. I want someone to look after me. And I want him to fuck me. Really fuck me. Not like that, not like him. And, yeah, it’ll hurt. But a good hurt.

  Mark But if you had a choice.

  Gary Then I wouldn’t choose you. I want to be taken away. Someone who understands me.

  Mark There’s no one out there.

  Gary Think just because you don’t feel that way no one else does? There’s lots of people who understand. And someone’s gonna do it.

  I’m going now.

  Mark Stay please. Please I . . .

  Mark kisses Gary, who pushes him away.

  Gary That’s not true about me mum. I don’t let her kiss me. She’s a slag.

  You go home now. You go back where you belong.

  Mark I want to stay with you.

  Give me a day, OK? Another day.

  Gary Don’t waste your time with me.

  Mark You can . . . look yes. Come home with me.

  Gary What for? I’m nothing.

  Mark Show you where I live, who I live with.

  Gary You’re pathetic you.

  Mark Just one more day. Give it a day.

  Gary You gonna take me home and fuck me? Alright then. One day. Take me home.

  Mark Suck my cock.

  Gary You taking me home?

  Mark Suck my cock now. Take you home later.

  Gary There’s a security camera.

  Mark Doesn’t matter.

  Gary All this for me? Fourteen.

  You got it wrong. I’m fourteen.

  Scene Twelve

  Robbie and Lulu looking at the phone.

  Robbie Come on. Ring. Ring.

  This shouldn’t be happening.

  Why is this happening?

  I mean, we’re close really. Nearly two thousand. Over two thousand – that’s good, isn’t it? We’re very, very close. We’ve been working. We’re making money. We’re good at it, aren’t we? Isn’t that right? You’d say that’s right, wouldn’t you?

  Lulu That’s right.

  Robbie So, it can’t stop now. They’ve got to keep on coming.

  Ring you bastard ring.

  Shit. I can’t stand it.

  Lulu It’s just quiet. A quiet time. That happens.

  Robbie Hasn’t happened before.

  Lulu Sit down. Relax.

  Robbie I can’t.

  Lulu It’ll start again.

  Robbie There isn’t time. We can’t afford this.

  Lulu Just a moment’s peace. Make the most of it.

  Robbie I want to live. I want to survive, don’t you?

  Lulu I don’t know.

  Robbie You want to die?

  Lulu No. I want to be free. I don’t want to live like this.

  Robbie That’s right. Another day yeah?

  Lulu Yes.

  Robbie One more day and we’ll be free.

  Lulu Yes.

  Robbie If it keeps on ringing.

  Ping of a microwave.

  Lulu Food’s ready.

  Robbie Yeah.

  Lulu Eat something?

  Robbie Yes.

  Exit Lulu.

  Robbie Come on. Come on. Please.

  He picks up the phone and speaks into it.

  Why aren’t you ringing you . . .

  He realises that the line is dead.

  Checks the lead – finds it’s been pulled out of the wall.

  Check the mobiles. They’ve been switched off.

  Sits.

  Enter Lulu with microwave meals, offers one to Robbie.

  Robbie No thanks.

  Lulu Eat something.

  Robbie No thanks.

  Lulu Come on.

  Robbie I’m not hungry.

  Lulu Alright then.

  Pause.

  Have a bit.

  Robbie Don’t want any.

  Lulu Might as well have a meal while it’s quiet.

  Robbie You reckon?

  Lulu It’ll all start again in a minute.

  Robbie They’ll all be ringing?

  Lulu Of course.

  Robbie Don’t think so. Do you?

  Lulu Course they will.

  Robbie No. I reckon they’re not gonna ring. I reckon that tomorrow we’re gonna die.

  Lulu Course not.

  Robbie Because I reckon that one of us wants to die.

  Lulu No.

  Robbie No?

  Lulu No.

  Robbie Then tell me why one of us disconnected the phones.

  Lulu For a few moments. I just wanted / a few minutes peace.

  Robbie And I want to live. That’s what I want to do.

  Lulu I just want
ed to eat a meal without . . . all that.

  Robbie There’ll be time later.

  Lulu I can’t stand it. In my head.

  Robbie And what about me?

  We’ve got to do this together.

  Robbie moves to reconnect the phone.

  Lulu No. Please. Not yet.

  Robbie We have to carry on.

  Lulu After we’ve eaten this. Ten, five minutes.

  Robbie Come on.

  Lulu There was this phone call. I had this call. Twenty minutes, half hour ago. Youngish. Quite well spoken really. And I did the . . . you know . . . where are you sitting? In the living-room. Right. And you’re . . . ? Yes, yes, playing with his dick. Good. Fine. So far, auto-pilot. And then he says, I’m watching this video. Well, that’s good. And then he starts to . . . he describes . . . because he got this video from his mate who copied it from his mate who copied it from dahdahdah. And I mean, he’s wanking to this video of a woman, a student girl who’s in the Seven-Eleven, working behind the counter. And there’s a wino and . . . yeah.

  Robbie Fuck.

  Lulu Yeah. He was wanking to the video.

  So if we can just. A few more minutes.

  Robbie No. We’re gonna carry on.

  Lulu Eat something first.

  Robbie There’s no time.

  Lulu Eat. Eat. Eat first. Few minutes.

  Robbie I’m not eating.

  Lulu What’s wrong with the / . . . Look, if I’m eating . . . If I can . . .

  Robbie I don’t want the food, / it doesn’t taste of anything . . .

  Lulu And why? / What is so wrong that you can’t eat it?

  Robbie I’m not eating. / There isn’t time.

  Lulu Come on, you’ve got the world here. You’ve got all the tastes in the world. You’ve got an empire under cellophane. Look, China. India. Indonesia. In the past you’d have to invade, you’d have to occupy just to get one of these things and now, when they’re sitting here in front of you, you’re telling me you can’t taste anything.

  Lulu holds Robbie back to prevent him reconnecting the phone.

  Robbie Well, yes. Yes I am. / There’s no taste. This stuff tastes of nothing.

  Lulu Eat it. Eat it. Eat it.

  Robbie This stuff?

  Lulu Now. Eat it now.

  Robbie No. This? This is shit. / This? I wouldn’t feed a fuckng paraplegic with cancer this shit.

  Lulu Eat it. Eat it. Eat it. Eat it.

  Lulu pushes Robbie’s face into the food.

  Enter Mark and Gary.

  Mark Hello.

  Robbie Where have you been?

  You went out to get chocolate. A week ago.

  Chocolate or a cheeseburger from the shop.

  So why have you brought him back?

  Mark Show him where I live.

  Robbie Been shopping? How did you pay for all that?

  Mark He paid.

  Gary Yeah. Paid for everything.

  Mark Who I lived with.

  Robbie And here we are. I’m Barney, this is Betty. Pebbles is playing outside somewhere. And you must be Wayne.

  Gary Wayne? I’m not Wayne. Who’s Wayne?

  Lulu We’re just eating. Sitting down for a meal. It’s actually very difficult to share them actually because they’re specifically designed as individual portions but I can get an extra plate. Plate. Knife. Whatever.

  Mark No no no. I don’t think we’re that hungry.

  Robbie We? We? Listen to that: we.

  Mark Well, I don’t think we are.

  Gary Didn’t come round to eat, did we?

  Mark No, no, we didn’t, no.

  Robbie You on special offer?

  Gary You what?

  Robbie Cheaper than a Twix?

  Gary He don’t need to pay me.

  Robbie Really? He will do. He’s got this thing. Has to make it a transaction.

  Gary Not with me.

  Lulu It all got a bit messy.

  Robbie Paid Wayne, didn’t you?

  Mark Gary, this is Lulu.

  Lulu Things got out of hand.

  Gary Some people you just give it away, don’t you?

  Lulu Let’s sit down, shall we? Let’s all just sit.

  They sit.

  Well, look at this mess. If you don’t watch yourself, you just revert, don’t you? To the playground or canteen and suddenly it’s all food fights and mess.

  So let’s be adults. Not much but I think I can still . . . a portion. Anyone?

  Darling?

  Mark No.

  Robbie So – you’re special?

  Gary He thinks so.

  Robbie He said that? He told you that?

  Mark Come on now. Leave him alone.

  Gary Yes. He said that.

  Robbie Tell me.

  Mark (to Robbie) Leave him alone.

  Robbie I want to know.

  Lulu Pudding is going to be quite a surprise I can tell you. / I’m really looking forward to pudding.

  Robbie Tell me what he said to you.

  Gary He said: I love you.

  Mark It wasn’t those words.

  Gary Yeah, yeah. I love you. I’d be lost without you.

  Mark I never said those words.

  Robbie (to Gary) You’re lying. Fucking lying.

  Robbie leaps on Gary and starts to strangle him.

  Gary No. It’s true. Please. ’S true. He loves me.

  Mark Leave him alone. Get off. Off.

  Mark attacks Robbie, who is attacking Gary.

  Lulu tries to protect the ready meals, but most are crushed in the melee.

  Lulu Stop it. Stop. Now.

  Mark succeeds in pulling Robbie off Gary. The fight subsides.

  Gary Loony. You’re a fucking headcase, you are.

  Lulu Come on leave it now leave it.

  Gary Fucking going for me.

  Lulu Ssssh . . . quiet . . . quiet.

  Long pause.

  Robbie ‘I love you.’

  Lulu Forget it.

  Robbie That’s what he said you said.

  Mark I never said – because – look – I don’t.

  Exit Mark.

  Lulu Mess. Look at this. Why is everything such a mess?

  Lulu scrapes up as much as she can on to the tray and exits. Robbie and Gary regard each other in silence.

  Gary He does love me. He did say that.

  Robbie Did he do this thing – ask you to lick his balls while he came?

  Gary Yeah. Have you . . . ?

  Robbie Too many times. I’m his boyfriend.

  Gary He doesn’t do nothing for me, alright?

  Robbie No? Not your type?

  Gary He’s too soft.

  Pause.

  Do you love him?

  Robbie Yes.

  Pause.

  Gary It’s all gentle with him. That’s not what I’m after. Got to find this bloke. I know he’s out there. Just got to find him.

  Robbie Someone who’s not gentle?

  Gary Yeah, something strong. Firm, you know.

  Robbie Yes.

  Gary You think he’s cruel but really he’s looking out for you. I’m going to be somewhere. I’ll be dancing. Shopping. Whatever. And he’ll fetch me. Take me away.

  Robbie If he exists.

  Gary You what?

  Robbie If he really exists.

  Gary You saying I’m lying?

  Robbie I didn’t say that.

  I think . . . I think we all need stories, we make up stories so that we can get by.

  And I think a long time ago there were big stories. Stories so big you could live your whole life in them. The Powerful Hands of the Gods and Fate. The Journey to Englightenment. The March of Socialism. But they all died or the world grew up or grew senile or forgot them, so now we’re all making up our own stories. Little stories. It comes out in different ways. But we’ve each got one.

  Gary Yes.

  Robbie It’s lonely. I understand. But you’re not alone. I could help. I’m offeri
ng to help. Where you gonna start? Maybe I know what you’re looking for.

  Gary A helping hand. What do you wanna do that for?

  Robbie For a fee.

  Gary Yeah?

  Robbie Yeah. Pay me and you’ll get what you want. I’ve got instincts. I know about this other bloke.

  Gary If I get what I want.

  Robbie Cash. It’s got to be cash.

  Gary Course.

  Robbie You’ve got the money?

  Gary Yeah. I’ve got the money.

  So. What you gonna do? To help me.

  Robbie We’re gonna play a game.

  Scene Thirteen

  The flat.

  Mark, Gary, Lulu and Robbie.

  Mark Why are we playing this?

  Robbie Because he wants to.

  Mark It’s a stupid game.

  Robbie Your friend. Isn’t that right?

  Gary Right.

  Mark Why do you want to play this?

  Gary In my head, I see this picture, alright?

  Lulu Yes.

  Gary Well, like a picture but like a story, you know?

  Robbie Yes?

  Gary A sort of story of pictures.

  Lulu A film?

  Gary Yeah, story like a film.

  Robbie With you?

  Gary Yes.

  Lulu You’re in the film?

  Gary Yes.

  Robbie You’re the hero – ?

  Gary Well –

  Lulu You’re the protag – you are the central character of the film?

  Gary Sort of. Yeah.

  Robbie Right.

  Gary So there’s this story, film and I – there’s these stairs.

  Pause.

  Robbie What?

  Gary No. Look, I don’t want to . . .

  Lulu You don’t want to –

  Gary I thought I could but I can’t, alright?

  It’s just saying it. Sorry.

  Robbie So – just wasting our time?

  Gary I’m sorry.

  Robbie We should have got the money first.

  Lulu You’re not going through with this?

  Gary I don’t know.

  Robbie He should have paid up front.

  Mark Paying for . . . ?

  Robbie Paying to play the game.

  Lulu So do you want to do this?

  Pause.

  Robbie Pointless. Wasting our time. I mean, how old are you? What are you? Some kid wasting our time.

  Gary I’m not a kid.

  Robbie You don’t know what you want.

  Gary I know what I want.

  Lulu So . . . ?

  Gary It’s just . . . the words. It’s describing it.

  Mark Alright. Come back to him.

  Robbie Now, as I’m the judge –

  Mark Do me. Ask me – truth or dare?

  Robbie That’s not fair. That’s not in the rules, is it?