Ravenhill Plays: 1: Shopping and F***ing; Faust is Dead; Handbag; Some Explicit Polaroids (Contemporary Dramatists)

by Ravenhill, Mark

  Lulu Fucking fucker arsehole. Fuck.

  Pillowbiter. (Hit .) Shitstabber. (Hit .)

  Boys grow up you know and stop playing with each other’s willies. Men and women make the future. There are people out there who need me. Normal people who have kind tidy sex and when they want it. And boys? Boys just fuck each other.

  The suffering is going to be handed out. And I shouldn’t be part of that. But it’ll be both of us. And that’s not justice. Is it?

  You look like shit now. Look like you might get (Throws the bottle of TCP into Robbie’s eyes.) gangrene.

  Exit Lulu.

  Robbie Nurse. Nurse.

  Scene Eight

  Bedsit.

  Mark and Gary.

  Gary I knew it wasn’t right. I went to the council.

  And I said to her, look, it’s simple: he’s fucking me.

  Once, twice, three times a week he comes into my room.

  He’s a big man. He holds me down and he fucks me. How long? she says. About two years, I say. I say he moved in then six months later it starts. I told her and she says ‘Does he use a condom?’

  Mark Yeah?

  Gary Yeah. I mean ‘Does he use a condom?’

  When it’s like that he’s not gonna use a condom, is he? Just spit. All he used is a bit of spit.

  Mark On his – ?

  Gary Spit on his dick.

  Mark Of course.

  Gary And then she / says –

  Mark / And you –

  Gary The next thing / she says –

  Mark Does he / spit –

  Gary I told her that and / she says –

  Mark Does he spit up you?

  Gary Listen. I tell her he’s fucking me – without a condom – and she says to me – you know what she says?

  Mark No. No, I don’t.

  Gary I think I’ve got a leaflet. Would you like to give him a leaflet?

  Mark Fuck.

  Gary Yeah. Give him a leaflet.

  Mark Well –

  Gary No, I don’t want a leaflet. I mean, what good is a fucking leaflet? He can’t even read a fucking leaflet, you know.

  Mark Yes.

  Gary And there’s this look – like . . . panic in her eyes and she says: What do you want me to do?

  Mark Right.

  Gary Tell me what you want me to do.

  Mark And you said.

  Gary Well, I don’t know. Inject him with something, put him away, cut something off. Do something. And I’m – I’ve got this anger, right? This great big fucking anger – here in front of my eyes. I mean, I fucking hate her now, right?

  Mark So did you / attack?

  Gary I go: Fuck. Fuck.

  Mark Maybe a knife or something?

  Gary So. In this little box, little white box room . . .

  Mark You attacked / her?

  Gary I stand on the table and I shout:

  It’s not difficult this is it? It’s easy this. He’s my stepdad. Listen, he’s my stepdad and he’s fucking me.

  And I walk away and I get on the coach and I come down here and I’m never going back. Gonna find something else. Because there’s this bloke. Looking out for me. He’ll come and collect me. Take me to this big house/

  Mark Look, this person that you’re looking for . . .

  Gary Yeah?

  Mark Well it’s not me.

  Gary Of course not.

  Mark No.

  Gary Fuck, you didn’t think . . . ? No. It’s not meant to be you. You and me we’re looking for different things, right?

  Mark Right.

  Gary Mates?

  Mark Mates.

  Gary So – mate – do you wanna stay?

  Mark I don’t know.

  Gary Stay if you like. Room on the floor. Someone waiting up for you?

  Mark Not exactly.

  Gary You stay long as you want.

  Mark Thank you.

  Gary Stay around and you can keep yourself busy. Give us a hand. Getting the messages, cleaning up. Chucking out the mental ones.

  Tell you what, you hang around long enough we can . . .

  He pulls out a holdall from behind the chair.

  He unzips the bag. It is full of fifty-pence pieces. He catches up handfuls and lets them cascade through his fingers.

  See? I’m a winner me. Every time. And I don’t let them give me tokens.

  I can pay for what I want.

  Stick around, you and me could go shopping yeah?

  Mark I don’t know.

  Gary It’s only shopping.

  Mark Alright then. Yeah. Let’s go shopping.

  They both listen to the coins as they run through Gary’s fingers.

  Scene Nine

  Flat.

  Brian, Lulu and Robbie. Brian inserts a video.

  Brian Watch. I want you to see this.

  They watch a video of a schoolboy playing a cello. They sit for some time in silence. Brian starts to weep.

  Sorry. Sorry.

  Lulu Would you like a – something to wipe?

  Brian Silly. Me a grown man.

  Lulu Maybe a handkerchief?

  Brian No. No.

  He pulls himself together. They sit and watch again for some time, but eventually he starts to weep again.

  Oh God. I’m so – I’m really sorry.

  Lulu No, no.

  Brian It’s just the beauty, you see? The beauty of it.

  Lulu Of course.

  Brian Like a memory, you know, memory of what we’ve lost.

  Pause.

  Lulu Are you sure you don’t want – ?

  Brian Well –

  Lulu It’s no problem.

  Brian Well then.

  Lulu (to Robbie) Could you – ?

  Robbie No problem.

  Robbie exists. They continue to watch the video. Robbie enters again with a toilet roll, takes it over to Brian.

  Brian What’s this?

  Robbie It’s for your – you know to wipe your -

  Brian I asked you what it is.

  Robbie Well.

  Brian So tell me what it is. What is in your hand?

  Robbie Well –

  Lulu Darling.

  Brian Yes?

  Robbie Toilet paper.

  Brian Toilet paper exactly. Toilet paper. Which belongs in the –

  Robbie Toilet.

  Brian Exactly.

  Lulu Darling, I didn’t mean . . . that.

  Brian And we use it to – ?

  Robbie Well, wipe your arse.

  Brian Exactly. Wipe your arse. While I – what is this? (Wipes eye.)

  Lulu I didn’t mean toilet paper.

  Robbie It’s a – like a tear.

  Brian It is a tear. Little drop of pure emotion. Which requires a – ?

  Robbie Well, a hanky.

  Brian Handkerchief.

  Robbie Handkerchief.

  Lulu Of course, I meant a handkerchief.

  Brian This is disrupting you know that?

  Lulu Sorry.

  Brian This isn’t – we’re not in a supermarket or, or a disco. Music like this, you listen.

  Lulu Yes.

  Again they all settle down to watch the video. After a while, Brian starts to cry, but even more so this time.

  Brian Oh God. Oh God. God.

  Lulu He’s very good.

  Brian You feel it like – like something you knew. Something so beautiful that you’ve lost but you’d forgotten that you’ve lost it. Then you hear this.

  Lulu Play like that when he’s how . . . how old?

  Brian Hear this and knew what you’ve . . . l-l-l-ooost.

  Brian starts to sob heavily.

  Lulu Look, I think I’ve got one.

  Robbie A handkerchief?

  Lulu Yes. A handkerchief. In the bedroom.

  Robbie Shall I fetch it?

  Lulu Well – yes. Yes, I think you should.

  Exit Robbie.

  Brian Because once it was paradise, you see? And you could
hear it – heaven singing in your eyes. But we sinned, and God took it away, took away music until we forgot we even heard it but sometimes you get a sort of glimpse – music or a poem – and it reminds you of what it was like before all the sin.

  Enter Robbie, offers handkerchief to Brian.

  Brian Is it clean?

  Robbie Yes.

  Brian Again – is it clean?

  Robbie Yes.

  Brian Again – is it clear?

  Robbie Yes.

  Brian Look me in the eyes. Straight in the eyes. Yes?

  Robbie (does so) Yes.

  Brian And again – is it clean?

  Robbie No.

  Brian Then why did you offer it to me?

  Robbie Well –

  Brian Dirty handkerchief. Offer a dirty handkerchief.

  Lulu Darling –

  Brian Handkerchief for your nose.

  Brian punches Robbie. He slumps to the floor.

  Robbie I’m – sorry.

  Lulu Take it away.

  Robbie Yes. Sorry.

  Robbie crawls out as they settle down in front of the video.

  Brian His teacher says – and it’s a religious school, very religious school – his teacher says ‘It’s a gift from God.’ And I think that’s right. Think that must be right because it can’t be from us. Doesn’t come from me and his mother. I mean, where does it come from if it’s not from God, eh? Kid like that, nice kid – his father’s son – but nothing special, picks up a bit of wood and string and – well – grown men cry.

  Lulu You must be very proud.

  Robbie enters. Brian removes a pristine handkerchief from his top pocket and carefully wipes his eyes.

  Brian (to Robbie) See. You don’t wipe your eyes with something that’s been up your nose, alright?

  Robbie Yes. Sorry.

  They continue to watch the video.

  Brian Think of the life he’s gonna have, eh? Think of that.

  Pause.

  Because he doesn’t know it now of course. But when he’s older, when he knows about sin, about all this, then he’s gonna thank God he’s got this, isn’t he? This little bit of purity.

  Lulu It is amazing, isn’t it?

  Robbie Yeah. Yeah. Really – amazing.

  Lulu That it just looks so effortless.

  Brian But there is effort.

  Lulu Of course.

  Brian Behind it all is effort.

  Lulu Have to practise all the time, don’t they?

  Brian His effort – yes.

  Lulu For like – hours a day.

  Brian His efforts – of course – but also my efforts.

  Lulu Of course.

  Brian Because, at the end of the day, at the final reckoning, behind beauty, behind God, behind paradise, peel them away and what is there? (To Robbie.) Son, I’m asking you.

  Robbie Well –

  Brian Come on, son.

  Robbie Well –

  Brian Answer the question.

  Robbie Well – a father.

  Brian Sorry?

  Robbie You’ve can’t have them without a sort of a dad.

  Brian No. No. Think again. Try again.

  Robbie Well I –

  Brian Think.

  Robbie No.

  Brian No, no. That’s not good enough – no. Behind beauty, behind God, behind paradise –

  Lulu Darling . . . ?

  Robbie Money.

  Brian Yes. Good. Excellent. Money. Takes a few knocks, doesn’t it, son?

  Yeah.

  But we get it knocked into us don’t we, eh? Learn the rules. Money. There’s boarding fees and the uniforms, the gear, the music, skiing.

  Which is why I run such a tight ship you see? Which is why I have to keep the cash flow flowing you see? Which is why I can’t let people FUCK. ME. AROUND. You understand?

  Lulu Of course.

  Brian Which is why, right now, I feel sad and sort of angry. Yes?

  Lulu Yes.

  Brian I don’t like mistakes. I don’t like my mistakes. And now you tell me I’ve made a mistake. And so I hate myself. Inside. My soul.

  We have a problem. Three thousand pounds of a problem. But what is the solution?

  They sit for a moment and contemplate this. Finally, Brian gets up, ejects the video, puts it back into its case.

  This could be a stalemate. Unless one of us concedes. But would you concede? Could you concede anything?

  Lulu No.

  Brian So what you’re saying is – you’re asking me to concede.

  Lulu Yes.

  Brian You think I should concede?

  Long pause.

  Seven days. To make the money.

  Lulu Thank you.

  Brian You understand? Son?

  Robbie Yes. Seven Days. Yes.

  Pause. Brian produces a second video.

  Brian I’d like you to have a look at this. Camera’s a bit shaky. Some people will tell you it’s about ‘production values’. But really . . . ‘production values’? They’re nothing without a good subject.

  This one was recorded a couple of months ago. 11.53am. On a Wednesday.

  He inserts the video, presses play: a Black and Decker being switched on.

  You can’t see the face, of course, but the hand belongs to one of my group.

  Now a shot of a man with insulation tape over his mouth.

  The man with the tape over his mouth is someone who failed his test.

  The drill is moving towards the man’s face.

  There is so much fear, so much wanting. But we’re all searching.

  Searching aren’t we?

  Exit Brian.

  Lulu and Robbie watch as the video continues.

  Scene Ten

  Flat. Robbie is on the phone.

  Robbie Come on. Take it.

  This is . . . it’s a golden opportunity. We could change the course of history.

  A mobile phone starts to ring. Lulu enters.

  That’s what I say. Standing in the Garden and it’s: All of humanity, the course of history. / Look, I’m offering it to you. Because we are the first, we are the only ones. And I want you to take it.

  Lulu (on mobile) / Hello. Hello, Terry.

  No. You call as often as you like.

  Oh good. Yes, that’s a good idea. A cord that reaches the bed.

  Now, if you give me the number again. Yes.

  And the expiry date. (A second mobile rings.) Yes.

  Now I’m taking you into another.

  Yes. I’m taking you into the bedroom.

  Exit Lulu.

  Robbie Here in my hand. Skin. Core. Red. Red skin.

  And there’s juice.

  And you see the juice and you want to bite.

  Bite. Yes. Your tongue. The apple. Good. The forbidden fruit.

  (Answers second mobile.) Yes? For the . . . ? If you can . . . ? She’s just. Yes. Coming. On her way. Yes.

  (To phone.) And it’s like you’ve never seen before, you’ve never looked at my body.

  (To second mobile.) If you can wait, if you can hang on. Because we’re really very . . . sure, sure. A couple of minutes.

  (To phone.) My, my cock. It’s hard. And what’s there between your . . . yes . . . because oh look you’ve got one too . . . that you’ve never noticed . . . yes. Your own big cock.

  (To second mobile.) Still there? Still holding? So, you’re done. Another time. Of course.

  (To phone.) And you want me and I want you and it’s man on man and I’m Adam and you’re Adam.

  The second mobile starts to ring again.

  And you want to take it right up the . . . yes . . . oh yes . . . / up against the Tree of Knowledge.

  Enter Lulu, still on first mobile.

  Lulu / Smack. Smack. Smack.

  Good. Good. Yes. Yes.

  She puts down the first mobile and answers the second mobile.

  Hello?

  The name?

  And the number.

  Ah. Gallop. Yes.
>
  Gallop apace you fiery-footed steeds towards Phoebus’ lodging! Such a waggoner as Phaeton would whip . . .

  Yes . . .

  Spread thy . . .

  Good, that’s right

  Come, civil night. Come, gentle night. Come, loving black-browed night. Come, Romeo.

  Yes, nearly oh yes.

  Oh I have bought the mansion of a love but have not possessed it, and though I am sold not yet enjoyed.

  Dirty fucking cunting fucker.

  Yes. Yes. Good. Good. Bye then. Bye.

  Robbie (on phone) This is, I tell you this is Paradise. This is Heaven on the Earth. And the spheres are sphering and the firm . . .

  Good good.

  And now we’re in the . . . ? Tower of . . . I see . . . the Tower of Babel. All the tongues in the world. Splashinsky. Mossambarish. Bam bam bam. Pashka pashka pashka. Alright then. You’re done? Good good. That’s good. You take care now. Yeah.

  (To Lulu.) Nine hundred pounds and seventy-eight pence.

  Lulu Why are there so many sad people in this world?

  Robbie We’re making money.

  Lulu Yeah. Making money.

  Robbie We’re gonna be all right.

  Scene Eleven

  Changing room at Harvey Nichols. Mark is trying on an expensive designer suit.

  Gary (off) How’s it going?

  Mark Yeah. Good.

  Gary Do you want the other size?

  Mark No. This is great.

  Gary Alright then.

  Mark Have a look if you like.

  Enter Gary. He is transformed: top to toe designer gear and carrying bundles of expensive shopping bags.

  Gary Oh yes.

  Mark Like it?

  Gary Oh yeah. It’s you. Suits you. Do you want it?

  Mark I don’t know.

  Gary If you like it, you have it.

  Mark I mean, it’s not like I’m ever gonna wear it.

  Gary You don’t know that. You’re starting over.

  Mark I do like it.

  Gary Could be anything. New life, new gear. It makes sense. Go on.

  Mark You sure you can / afford . . . ?

  Gary Hey. None of that.

  Mark Alright then. Yes.

  Gary Good and now we’ll . . .

  He holds out a handful of credit cards as if they were playing cards.

  Pick a card, any card.

  Mark picks a card. Reads the name on it.