Ravenhill Plays: 1: Shopping and F***ing; Faust is Dead; Handbag; Some Explicit Polaroids (Contemporary Dramatists)

by Ravenhill, Mark

  Suzanne Why did you scrape it off, Lorraine? Don’t you / like the cheese?

  Lorraine You’ll waste away, you will.

  Suzanne Why did you buy a cheese and tomato pizza and scrape off the cheese?

  Lorraine Do you think I’m weird?

  Suzanne I’m not here to pass judgement.

  Lorraine You think I’m weird.

  Suzanne No, no, no.

  Lorraine You think it’s stupid, scrape off the cheese.

  Suzanne No.

  Lorraine Taste it.

  Suzanne . . . No.

  Lorraine Maybe it is stupid.

  Suzanne Hey, we’re all a bit stupid sometimes. Sometimes I’m very stupid. Sometimes I’m totally bonkers.

  Lorraine You’re not.

  Suzanne I am.

  Lorraine You’re not.

  Suzanne So why did you scrape off the cheese, Lorraine?

  Lorraine My mum used to scrape off the cheese.

  Suzanne I see. Your mum used to scrape off the cheese.

  Lorraine That’s right. Little bit. You know you want it.

  Suzanne Well . . . thank you.

  Lorraine You’re involved now.

  Suzanne Not really.

  Lorraine Put it down [the camcorder] for a minute.

  Suzanne No.

  Lorraine You’re always on the job you, aren’t you?

  Suzanne Not always, no. Just now . . . I’m . . . I’m on the job now. So. Your mum used to scrape off the cheese but now she . . . She used to but now she . . . Lorraine?

  Pause.

  Suzanne Lorraine?

  Lorraine She died. Last month, she died.

  Suzanne I’m sorry.

  Lorraine Yeah, well done now, isn’t it?

  Long pause.

  Suzanne Lorraine . . . I’m sorry.

  Long pause.

  Lorraine There’s lots more in the freezer. You can have a whole one.

  Suzanne No. Thank you.

  Lorraine Alright then.

  Suzanne comes over. Hesitates. Hugs Lorraine.

  Lorraine What was that for?

  Suzanne Just because . . . I didn’t mean. . .

  Lorraine It’s alright. . .

  Suzanne Yes?

  Lorraine Yeah. It was nice.

  Pause. Suzanne hugs Lorraine. Kisses the top of her head. Lorraine laughs, kisses the top of Suzanne’s head. Pause. Suzanne kisses Lorraine’s lips lightly. Lorraine laughs, kisses Suzanne’s lips. Pause. Suzanne kisses Lorraine on the mouth for some time.

  Lorraine I didn’t mean tongues.

  Suzanne No?

  Lorraine No. I didn’t mean that.

  Suzanne Oh.

  Suzanne continues videoing.

  Lorraine . . . It’s not like I ever liked her. Used to lie awake sometimes. Used to lie awake and think: Wish you’d die. Wish you were dead you old witch. But now . . . now . . . I . . . I go down the shops the same time as her. I watch her programmes. I wear her clothes. I put on her clothes and I watch her programmes and I eat pizza like she used to eat pizza.

  Suzanne I see.

  Suzanne puts down the camera.

  Lorraine You don’t have to stop.

  Suzanne I think maybe. . .

  Lorraine I don’t want you to stop. And if the phone goes and it’s the double glazing and that I don’t say: ‘No. She’s dead.’ I say ‘speaking’. I do her voice and I say ‘speaking’.

  Suzanne Listen . . .

  Lorraine I feel so empty.

  Suzanne Listen, Lorraine, let’s . . .

  Lorraine Why do I feel . . . ? It’s not like I ever liked her.

  Suzanne puts down the camera.

  Lorraine I told you not to stop.

  Suzanne Lorraine, I’m just going to . . . hold you. Nothing . . . Okay?

  She holds Lorraine.

  That’s it.

  Her pager goes off. She ignores it. It carries on. She gets up, reads the message.

  I’m sorry. I’ve got to go.

  Lorraine Alright then.

  Suzanne I’m sorry. It’s just. . .

  Lorraine It’s alright.

  Suzanne Sorry. I know it’s shitty. It’s just very important.

  Lorraine That’s alright.

  Suzanne No really. My . . . my baby’s going to be born. Our . . . my partner. . .

  Lorraine Your girlfriend?

  Suzanne Yes. My girlfriend is having a baby. And . . . I’ve got to be there. I want to be there.

  Lorraine Course.

  Suzanne You going to be alright?

  Lorraine Course.

  Suzanne I’m sorry.

  Exit Suzanne.

  Lorraine (calls) You left your . . .

  Front door slams.

  Jumper.

  Scene Five

  Drawing room.

  Cardew (off ) Colonel Moncrieff. Colonel Moncrieff.

  Enter Moncrieff followed by Cardew.

  Cardew It really is most urgent. One of my boys has been mislaid.

  Moncrieff Mislaid, Mr Cardew? How careless.

  Cardew Not through want of care. No. I am the most caring and watchful / of . . .

  Moncrieff Just so.

  Cardew My boys could not receive more attention. I am at / all times . . .

  Moncrieff Of course. At all times.

  Cardew But despite my care and attention and instruction and . . . forgive me. It has been a great upset. This morning the fencing master called as usual. Instruction was about to begin when I noticed that one of the boys was missing. I called names, I counted heads. And Eustace . . . Eustace was nowhere to be found.

  Moncrieff Eustace?

  Cardew Mr Wilton.

  Moncrieff Ah, Mr Wilton.

  Cardew The search was begun immediately. Hither and thither, high and low. Willis’s, Drury Lane, the Savoy. But nothing. I am beside myself.

  Enter Constance, heavily pregnant.

  Constance Mr Cardew.

  Moncrieff No, my love. This is not proper.

  Constance I thought I heard voices.

  Moncrieff You must stay in your room.

  Constance Confinement is unbearable. I am so lonely.

  Moncrieff It is your burden.

  Constance Please. For a short while.

  Cardew (to Constance) Have you seen Mr Wilton? Didn’t he visit here several times? Didn’t he help you organise a little amateur theatricals?

  Constance With great enthusiasm. I fancy he may become a great actor.

  Cardew Eustace has a great many talents.

  Moncrieff I did not consider Mr Wilton a very suitable companion for my wife. Did I, my love?

  Constance No. You did not.

  Moncrieff I found him to be a little too . . . effeminate.

  Constance He has grace.

  Cardew He has a little too much grace about him, despite my efforts.

  Moncrieff In fact, I find a great many of your boys a little too effeminate.

  Constance My love.

  Cardew I give my boys all the really manly virtues. To throw a discus, a javelin. To wrestle.

  Constance clutches her stomach.

  Cardew . . . I wonder . . . have you seen . . . ?

  Moncrieff No. We have not seen Mr Wilton for several months.

  Cardew Oh. Poor Eustace. The world will confuse him. He will be troubled. He’ll be wanting me.

  Constance It has started. Oh God. It has started.

  Moncrieff Come. To your room.

  Cardew If you should see Mr Wilton . . .

  Moncrieff and Constance exit.

  Enter Augusta.

  Augusta Oh brother. At last.

  But why don’t you speak . . . ? How can you be so strange?

  Cardew I think there must be some mistake.

  Augusta Please forgive a young girl’s ardent expression of emotion. I come from a nation of bog dwellers and my manners want polish.

  Cardew I don’t understand you.

  Augusta This cursed brogue. I must struggle to sound
English if I am to be understood. Brother, it is I. Augusta.

  Cardew Augusta?

  Augusta Am I to be treated as the poor relation? I know I have a want of means. But surely a want of means is not a hindrance in society? Want of character is the only serious hindrance and I have a very great deal of character.

  Cardew I don’t know you.

  Augusta This is a blow. Not know me, Colonel Moncrieff?

  Cardew There seems to be a misunderstanding.

  Enter Moncrieff.

  Cardew This is Colonel Moncrieff.

  Augusta Brother. It is I – Augusta.

  Moncrieff Welcome, welcome. You must forgive Mr Cardew. Such proximity to a member of the female sex is altogether strange to him.

  Augusta You should marry, Mr Cardew.

  Cardew Marry? How should I find time for marriage when I have my hands so very full.

  Moncrieff Indeed. We follow Mr Cardew’s activities closely.

  Cardew Yes. I am happy to say that the activities of the Belgrave Square Society for the Discovery and Betterment of Foundling Boys from the Lower Orders are reported in all the most philanthropic journals.

  Moncrieff I was not referring to philanthropic journals.

  Cardew No? What then?

  Moncrieff Talk mainly. People talk a great deal about your activities.

  Constance (off ) cries out.

  Cardew Good lord. What a terrible noise.

  Moncrieff Not at all. It is the sound of labour.

  Cardew Labour? Isn’t that something that happens in Manchester?

  Augusta My poor sister.

  Cardew The fecundity of our species is a constant surprise to me.

  Moncrieff For a man such as yourself it must be.

  Constance (off ) cries out.

  Cardew Good Lord. How do you stand it?

  Moncrieff A soldier can bear almost anything. A great many of your boys run off, don’t they? What can you be doing to them?

  Cardew I don’t know what you mean, sir.

  Moncrieff Oh but I think you do, sir.

  Cardew I give my boys the father they never had.

  Moncrieff And maybe the father they never wanted.

  Cardew I must find Eustace.

  Moncrieff He will return. To a father, surely he will return.

  Cardew Please, I can’t bear to mislay another.

  Moncrieff Disgusting spectacle.

  Cardew Disgusting? How so? Disgusting?

  Enter Prism.

  Moncrieff Ah this must be the new nanny.

  Prism Good evening, Colonel Moncrieff. Prism.

  Cardew Not disgusting.

  Moncrieff Thank goodness the modern age has realised the importance of dividing up our lives. Former ages, I believe, quite muddled up the aspects. Now we men can play billiards in the billiards room, smoke in the smoking room and relax in the library. And the ladies . . . well the ladies have their own worlds too.

  Augusta Indeed. I hope you will allow me to sing one evening.

  Moncrieff And then there is the world of childhood. Which is your burden.

  Prism Yes, sir.

  Cardew I cannot allow ‘disgusting’.

  Moncrieff Today a child will be born and it will be taken instantly into your care.

  Prism I’m ready, sir.

  Moncrieff As yet my wife is unaware of your arrival. In fact, as yet she is unaware that you exist at all. She has resisted all suggestion of wet nurses and nannies. She thinks she can be everything to the child. But if in time your care is excellent, I am sure she will come to like you a great deal.

  Prism I hope so sir.

  Constance cries out.

  Moncrieff Anticipation. It is a dreadful thing.

  Cardew I cannot allow my good name –

  Moncrieff I shall be in the billiard room.

  Exit Moncrieff.

  Cardew ‘Disgusting’. That is so unjust. When all I offer is care.

  Augusta But still. A man cannot care for so many boys alone.

  Cardew My boys will testify that I am always most kind. Kind and charitable.

  Augusta You should find a companion, Mr Cardew. One who can share your calling. A helpmate, a soulmate.

  Cardew Maybe, in time . . .

  Augusta Search and you shall find.

  Cardew I must find –

  Augusta You must find a wife. A young woman. In her full bloom.

  Cardew No. No woman can understand my mission. No woman can care for my boys.

  Augusta Are you in Burke’s?

  She produces a copy of Burke’s Peerage.

  This dear volume has been my constant companion for the last three years. Sitting amongst those ignorant Oirish, waiting, waiting for . . . London . . . society . . . a new name.

  Cardew Please, / let me go.

  Augusta You have a town house, I know. But a country house? How many bedrooms? Are both your parents still living? / Do you smoke?

  Cardew No. No. No. I am not at all interested in marriage.

  Augusta Oh. Then maybe my dear brother is right. Maybe there is something a little . . .

  Cardew These insinuations are intolerable.

  Augusta Then marry and prove them wrong.

  Cardew I shall find Mr Wilton. I shall find him and bring him here and he will tell you, he will tell all of you, what an excellent guardian I am. You shall hear it from his mouth.

  Exit Cardew.

  Prism Oh dear. It seems it is rather more difficult to lose a name than you thought.

  Augusta Take care. Nanny.

  Prism This must be your last season with any hope of finding a husband, is it not?

  Augusta What would you know of marriage?

  Prism I am not very much interested in marriage. At least not while there are novels to be written.

  Constance cries out.

  Augusta She calls. My poor sister calls.

  Exit Augusta. Prism sits. Opens her bag. Gets out her manuscript. Cradles it like a baby.

  Prism Yes. Yes. Ssssh. Ssssh.

  Scene Six

  Under a bridge.

  Phil is fucking David. Phil pulls away.

  David No. Don’t stop. Don’t stop.

  Phil Fifty quid.

  David I don’t think I . . . I think you’ve had . . . Luncheon vouchers? AMEX?

  Phil Gotta be cash.

  David finds some money.

  David It’s all I’ve got left.

  Phil . . . Alright then.

  He carries on fucking David. David’s mobile rings.

  You gonna get that?

  They continue fucking.

  I think you better get it.

  David answers the mobile.

  David Hello? Oh. Hi. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. What more can I – ? I’m sorry. Well, I’m trying to get awa – yes, at work. Look. I’m sorry. What more can I – ? Fuck you. I’m sorry that I’m busy, okay? I’m sorry I have to work. I’m sorry that life is so fucking complicated. I love you. I love you – Fuck.

  (To Phil.) Don’t stop. Don’t stop.

  Oh fuck it. Fuck it.

  Phil continues fucking David.

  David My kid’s been born.

  More fucking.

  Phil Yeah?

  More fucking.

  Boy or a girl?

  David stops. Pushes last-number redial.

  David Hi. Me. Boy or a girl? Well of course I care. Because . . . because. I care, alright? Boy or a girl? You . . . child. Boy or a girl? He wouldn’t say.

  Phil goes to fuck him again.

  David No.

  Phil You gotta let me finish.

  David I have to go. I should be there.

  Phil So. Wham. Bam. Thank you Dad.

  David I’m sorry.

  Phil Go on then. Piss off. Piss off. You leave me here.

  David Haven’t you got a home to go to?

  Phil No.

  David Oh.

  Phil They don’t let me in the hostel. I’m a handful. You look after that kid, alri
ght?

  David Of course.

  Phil They’re gonna want someone looking over them. That’s what we all want. And do you know who they’re gonna want looking over them? They’re gonna want you. You gotta be there for them.

  David Here. My card. Call me.

  Phil Might do.

  David Well . . . Whatever.

  Phil I touch their bumps, you know, women expecting.

  David Everyone does.

  Phil But really I want to punch them. You ever want that?

  David No.

  Phil Kiss goodbye?

  Scene Seven

  Maternity ward. Suzanne sits. Enter Tom.

  Tom He’s on his way. That’s what he said. On his way.

  Suzanne Then I’m sure.

  Tom It just makes me so fucking angry. To miss the birth. I wanted us to share that, you know?

  Suzanne I know.

  Enter Mauretta, holding baby.

  Tom What did they say? Is he alright?

  Mauretta Yes. He’s alright now.

  Tom But did they check . . . ?

  Mauretta Yes. The doctor’s had a look and . . .

  Tom I don’t think that his breathing sounds . . .

  Mauretta It’s a floppy larynx.

  Tom So what does that . . . ?

  Mauretta His larynx is slightly . . . there’s a potential that his larynx may block his breathing.

  Suzanne Oh God.

  Mauretta Potentially. But it’s okay. We can cope with it. They’re going to train us how to deal with it.

  Tom Alright.

  Suzanne kisses Mauretta.

  Suzanne Isn’t she a genius?

  Tom Yeah.

  Suzanne My fucking genius.

  Beat.

  Mauretta They wanted to take him away.

  Tom Yes?

  Mauretta Yes. Snatch him away. Stick a little plastic marker on his wrist and shove him in a plastic box.

  Tom Well, I suppose they know what they’re up to.

  Mauretta It doesn’t seem natural. When what you want to do is hold on to him.

  Tom Of course you do.

  Mauretta You don’t want to let go.

  Suzanne You need to sleep.

  Mauretta Bit later.

  Tom Must be knackered.

  Mauretta Yeah. And of course they lose them all the time.

  Tom No.

  Mauretta Oh yeah. There’s always someone wandering around looking for a baby to grab.

  Tom Don’t think so.

  Mauretta Maternity ward. Like a magnet for all those weirdos who want someone else’s baby.

  Suzanne We’ll stand guard, eh?

  Mauretta Yeah.