Ravenhill Plays: 1: Shopping and F***ing; Faust is Dead; Handbag; Some Explicit Polaroids (Contemporary Dramatists)
Page 14
I had this woman on my show. Some girl took her baby. And the hospital had it all on video. The security camera. ‘Could it be someone you know?’ So they showed her the video, but you couldn’t see the face because of course the camera was in the wrong fucking place. ‘I can’t see the face.’ ‘Oh, but there’s a moment when she looks over her shoulder. Put it on freeze frame and you can catch the face.’ But it’s all blurry and you can never quite make it out. She watched it over and over but . . . They found the baby a week later in a dustbin.
Enter David, wearing a plastic mask and carrying a bottle of champagne.
David ‘Over the hills and far away . . .’
Tom Fucking hell.
David takes off the mask.
David Present.
Suzanne I don’t think he’s quite ready for that.
David It’s a boy?
Suzanne Yeah. It’s a boy. Jack.
David (looks at baby) Who’s a gorgeous boy then?
Tom So, that makes it alright, does it?
Suzanne Let’s get organised. We need to . . . he’s got a breathing . . . a slight breathing problem. And we need to all be trained. So, let’s organise. . .
Tom and Suzanne get out diaries. David gets out an electronic organiser.
Suzanne How about tomorrow?
David Tomorrow’s bad for me.
Suzanne Yes?
David Yeah. Manchester tomorrow.
Tom You didn’t tell me that.
David Course I did.
Tom Do you get this?
Mauretta Sometimes.
Tom I get this all the time.
Mauretta We book each other in. Works most of the time.
David It’s all a bit manic at the moment.
Tom Meaning?
David Meaning I’ve got no windows.
Tom It’s important. It . . . we all have to bond with him right from the beginning.
David Bond. Right.
Tom Otherwise he’ll feel closer to. . .
Suzanne Mummy and Mummy.
David Mummy and Mummy?
Tom Exactly. Mummy and Mummy than he does to . . .
David Daddy and Daddy?
Tom Daddy and Daddy.
David Listen, I’m not sure about Daddy and Daddy.
Tom No? What then?
David Well, you as Daddy obviously –
Tom And you’re . . . ?
David Uncle.
Tom Uncle?
David Uncle David. Sounds alright.
Tom Uncle David who’s around when it suits him.
David No.
Tom Uncle David who pops into the nursery for ten minutes when he gets back from the gym.
David Look, it was your sperm.
Tom Fuck you. Fuck you.
Exit Tom.
David Fuck. What am I supposed to . . . ?
Mauretta He’s upset. He wanted you to be there for the birth.
David I was working.
Suzanne Yeah?
David Yeah.
Mauretta (to Suzanne) Managed to drag you away, didn’t we?
Suzanne I didn’t need dragging. This girl. She’s so . . . needy.
David Must be pleased to have you around.
Suzanne Maybe. Yes.
Enter Tom.
Suzanne (to Mauretta) Come on. Let’s get you both to bed.
Exit Suzanne and Mauretta.
Tom You should have said a long time ago if you don’t want this.
David I want it, okay?
Tom Sure?
David Sure. I just – sometimes I feel like a bit of a tit being called Daddy.
Tom Get used to it.
David Yeah. I’m happy being a tit. Alright?
He holds up the bottle of champagne.
Drink?
Scene Eight
Office.
Lorraine is waiting. Enter Suzanne.
Lorraine Hello.
Suzanne Lorraine. This is a surprise.
Lorraine Yeah. Hello.
Suzanne . . . I’m in the middle of a presentation.
Lorraine You left your jumper.
Suzanne Did I?
Lorraine Yeah. Left your jumper at mine. It’s a nice jumper. I haven’t been wearing it much.
Suzanne I have to get back. Look . . . you keep the jumper.
Lorraine I can’t do that.
Suzanne Course you can.
Lorraine No.
Suzanne I want you to have it.
Lorraine Alright. Thanks.
Suzanne And now I have to . . .
Lorraine I want to speak to you.
Suzanne I’m busy.
Lorraine I need to speak to you.
Suzanne How about a taxi? Shall we send you back in a taxi? That would be a treat.
Lorraine Don’t talk to me like I’m a kid.
Suzanne I’m not. I’m just . . .
Lorraine Yeah. Yeah. Don’t you fucking talk to me like I’m a . . . don’t you patronise me.
Suzanne I’m not. I’ve just got to –
Enter David.
David I’m sorry.
Suzanne Lorraine, this is David.
Lorraine Hello.
David Well of course. I recognised you.
Lorraine Yeah?
David From your appearances on the television. With the pizza.
Lorraine bursts into tears.
Suzanne Lorraine . . .
Suzanne is unsure what to do. After a while, David puts an arm around Lorraine.
David Come on, Lorraine.
Lorraine She grassed me up.
David What? Who grassed you up, Lorraine?
Lorraine She did. She did. Suzanne . . .
Suzanne What? What?
Lorraine She grassed me up.
Suzanne Oh come on . . .
David What do you mean, Lorraine?
Lorraine Told the council that I shouldn’t be living there.
Suzanne No.
Lorraine Don’t fucking lie. She’s lying.
Suzanne Why would I lie, Lorraine?
Lorraine You answered the phone. You spoke to them. ‘Maggie? No one here called Maggie.’ Don’t say you didn’t.
Suzanne Well maybe I . . .
Lorraine Yeah, yeah. And now I’ve lost it. I’ve lost my flat.
David Oh dear.
Lorraine Because that’s not what you do. They call and they say ‘Maggie’ and I go ‘speaking’ and it’s alright. But she . . . she . . . I’ve lost my flat.
Suzanne Oh I’m sorry, Lorraine. I’m sorry.
Lorraine Fuck all use sorry is when you’ve got no home.
Suzanne But I didn’t know . . .
Lorraine No – had to go and answer the phone.
Suzanne I didn’t know you were . . . defrauding . . .
Lorraine Fuck off . . . fuck off.
David Hey. Hey.
Lorraine She wanted me to have that flat. My mum wanted me to have that flat.
David Of course.
Lorraine Just she never put my name on the book. But I’m supposed to be there. You just go ‘speaking’ when they go ‘Maggie’. Alright?
David Sure.
Lorraine So what’s she gonna do about it?
Suzanne I don’t see what I can do about it.
Lorraine You must know people. With houses and that.
Suzanne Well . . .
Lorraine I can get benefit.
Suzanne No. No. I wish I could help, I wish there was a way to . . . I really . . . but . . . please, you have to go now. I have to . . .
Lorraine You owe me. You fucking owe me.
Suzanne I don’t think so.
Lorraine Yeah. I let you in. I told you about myself. You were nice.
David Come on, Lorraine . . .
Lorraine What am I gonna do? Got no mum. Got no home. What am I gonna do?
Pause.
David You’ve got a spare room.
Suzanne No.
David Maybe for a few days . . .
Suzanne I
t’s not a spare room. / It’s a boxroom.
David Just for a few days until Lorraine sorts herself out.
Suzanne There’s no window.
David Still. For a day or so.
Suzanne It’s not a good time.
Lorraine I don’t mind.
Suzanne With the baby just . . . it’s impossible to sleep.
Lorraine I don’t mind.
Suzanne No.
Lorraine No mum. No home.
Lorraine bangs her head very hard several times.
Suzanne Stop. Stop that. Stop her.
David and Suzanne pull her away. A scuffle. Lorraine cries. Suzanne holds her.
Suzanne Oh Lorraine. I’m sorry.
Lorraine You gonna kiss me?
Suzanne Look . . . a couple of days, alright?
Lorraine Yeah?
Suzanne And that’s it.
Lorraine Thank you. I’ll get my stuff.
Suzanne Lorraine, this doesn’t mean . . . I don’t want you to rely on me, okay?
Lorraine Course.
Exit Lorraine.
David Wooh. Kooky bitch.
Suzanne Don’t call her that.
David Miss Kookyfuckingkookybitch. I reckon she’s taken a bit of a shine to you.
Suzanne Oh come on.
David That’s what I reckon. And I reckon you’ve taken a bit of a shine to Miss Kooky Bitch.
Suzanne Lorraine.
David Miss Kooky / Bitch Lorraine.
Suzanne Sexist cunt.
David Oh yeah?
Suzanne Yeah. You are a total sexist / fucking cunt.
David Love juice Lorraine, / I bet.
Suzanne Fuck off.
David Oooooh, Lorraine. Pizza? Just wait ’til I scrape off the cheese. / Munchmunchmunch.
Suzanne Listen. I’m not the one who missed the birth, who was . . .
David Yeah? What? Yeah?
Suzanne All I’m saying is there may be a bit of projection going on here. That’s all I’m saying.
David Bollocks.
Suzanne Because Mauretta and me. Solid as a fucking rock. That’s what I’m saying.
David And we’re . . .
Suzanne Maybe you’re projecting on to me and / Lorraine because. . .
David Listen, me and Tom. Tom / and me. . .
Suzanne Bit of a glass houses scenario going on / I reckon.
David Bollocks.
Suzanne Oh yes? / Oh yes?
David Yes actually talking total / bollocks out of your arse that’s what you’re doing. Just because I catch a glimpse . . . just because I have a bit of a laugh about you and the kooky bitch you don’t have to have a go at me, right? You don’t have to get the hump and start crapping on about stuff you know fuck all about. You know what your problem is, do you? Do you? I’ll tell you. You’ve got no sense of humour, zero. Zero. Zero. Nothing. And then you start suggesting crap.
Suzanne I don’t think so, I don’t think so. It’s not me with the wandering dick. I mean, it’s not hard to . . . it’s blatant. And then you expect us to just pretend like we haven’t noticed anything. Well, we notice, alright? We notice. We know what you’re like. Somebody should tell Tom. How can Tom not notice what you’re like? That’s what gets me. Does Tom know he lives with a dog with an itchy dick? Does he? Does he? Does he?
Pause.
Why don’t you have her? Why don’t you and Tom . . . ?
David Because we’re . . . me and Tom are . . . we’ve decided for a trial . . . we’re going to live apart for a while.
Suzanne Oh. I see.
David For a while.
Suzanne Alright.
Exit Suzanne. Beat. Enter Lorraine with bags. David pushes past her to exit. Pause. Enter Phil.
Lorraine Hello.
Phil Do you work here?
Lorraine Yeah.
Phil Right.
Lorraine On and off.
Phil I’m looking for David.
Lorraine He’s in a presentation at the moment.
Phil Right.
Lorraine But I can take a message.
Phil Tell him Phil’s looking for him.
Lorraine I’ll just find. . .
Lorraine looks for pen and paper.
Phil I’ve seen you before.
Lorraine Yeah?
Phil Yeah. On the video. With the tea bags.
Lorraine Oh yeah.
Phil These your bags?
Lorraine Yeah.
Phil Got no home?
Lorraine Oh yeah, but I’m going to stay with Suzanne. They want me to look after their kid.
Phil Like a nanny?
Lorraine Yeah. Like a nanny.
Phil Thought you worked here.
Lorraine Yeah. Well, I work here . . . and I’m a nanny.
Phil You’d be good with kids. You’ve got kind eyes.
Lorraine Yeah?
Phil Kind eyes, kind hands. Some people are just right for taking care of people.
Lorraine Yeah.
Phil You tell David I’m looking for him, alright?
Lorraine Alright.
Phil I’ll be seeing more of you.
Scene Nine
Bedsit.
Mobile rings. Enter David. Answers mobile.
David Hello? Oh hi. What time is . . . ? Right. Oh right. Alright. Where have you been? Right. See you in a few minutes.
Exit David. Mobile rings again. Enter David putting on trousers. Answers mobile.
David Hi. Oh. Hello. Yeah? Well, it’s . . . It’s a bit late. Can’t we . . . ? Well, of course not. No. Why should I have someone here? Where are you . . . ? Yeah?
He goes to window, waves.
Yeah. Alright then. See you in a minute.
He puts down the mobile.
Fuck.
Exit David. Pause. Doorbell rings. Enter David, crosses, comes back in with Tom.
Tom I thought you might have found somewhere nicer.
David It’s alright.
Tom More of a bedsit really.
David It’s a studio apartment.
Tom Same thing.
David As a temporary measure.
Tom Yeah . . . temporary measure. Listen, I’ve been thinking and well . . . well, actually I’ve been missing you.
David Yeah?
Tom Yeah. Well, actually I’ve been pretty fucking lost actually.
David Can’t live with me . . . ?
Tom Can’t live without you. Fucker, eh?
David Yeah.
Tom So, I just wanted to say . . . with the baby and everything. I think . . . you know, all the plans we had with the baby . . . and it’s going to be difficult, I know that. I mean, I know I’m difficult and you’re . . . well you’re absolutely fucking impossible. But if that’s the way it is then . . . yeah?
David . . . Yeah.
Tom Because whatever the hassle this has gotta be better than being on your own. Being on your own’s miserable. And I don’t want the kid growing up and you not being around, okay? That doesn’t seem right.
Doorbell rings.
Tom Who’s that?
David I dunno.
Tom Bit late to . . .
David Nutters. Yeah, nutters or junkies from the park. Or prostitutes. Pissed prostitutes.
Tom Yeah?
David Yeah. Happens all the time. Ignore them, they go away.
Doorbell rings.
Tom Maybe we should call the police.
David No.
Tom They shouldn’t be doing that, middle of the night.
David Ssssh. Pretend no one’s in.
Tom What?
David Sssshhh.
Doorbell rings again. Pause.
Phil (off ) Hello. Hello.
Long pause.
Phil (off ) Hello. Hello. David.
Tom He said ‘David’.
David Yeah?
Tom Yes. He knows you.
David No, no.
Phil (off ) Fucking hell. David. Come on.
Tom Look –
Tom I’m going to sort this out.
Exit Tom.
David Shit.
Phil (off ) Oh. Hello.
Tom (off ) Hello.
Phil I’m looking for David.
Tom You know David?
Phil Yeah. Biblically.
Tom Really? Then you’d better go through.
Enter Phil followed by Tom.
Phil Hello.
David Hello.
Phil I need a bath.
David Yeah?
Phil I smell like shit in summer.
Tom Oh, I think David quite likes that.
Phil Yeah?
Tom Oh yes, the oikier the better, isn’t that right?
David Listen.
Tom Oh yes. I should just let him fuck you as you are.
Phil No.
Tom No?
Phil He likes me to fuck him.
David Oh come on.
Tom Really? He always said it hurt when I tried to do it.
David Please.
Tom Couldn’t take it, could you, my love? Still, I suppose when they’re pre-pubescent . . .
Phil What you saying?
Tom Nothing.
Phil You saying my dick’s small?
Tom Oh, come back to me when your balls have dropped.
Phil Fuck off. Fuck off.
Phil starts to take off his clothes.
David Look, please. . .
Tom (to David) Come on then. You too – trousers off. Come on. Don’t mind me. Trousers down and off you go. This I have got to see. Stick his smeggy little rancid cock up you. Come on. Come on.
David No.
Tom Because if that’s what you want. If this little piece of human garbage is all you can aspire to then fine.
Phil Fuck off. / Don’t you . . . Fuck off.
David Please. Please. Stop.
Phil You gonna let him talk to me like that?
David Well I. . .
Phil Don’t you talk to me like that.
Tom Oh don’t worry. Don’t you worry. I’m not going to talk to you – to you or to him – ever again.
David Please . . .
Pause.
Phil I’m gonna run my bath.
Exit Phil. Pause.
David I’m sorry. I . . .
Tom You know what? This is sad. It’s just sad. It’s just such a fucking tragedy when you’re a grown-up and you’re trying to live like you’re nineteen. When all you can do is work so you can go to the gym and gossip and no pecs, no sex and live your shallow, shallow little life.
David Yes? So what? So what do you want?
Tom I want some kind of commitment.
David So – up with the Wendy House. Up with the Wendy House and how did Mummy and Daddy do it and their mummy and daddy do it and let’s be like them. Yeah and let’s move to suburbia and / bleach those nets and twitch, twitch, twitch.