Ravenhill Plays: 1: Shopping and F***ing; Faust is Dead; Handbag; Some Explicit Polaroids (Contemporary Dramatists)

by Ravenhill, Mark

  Tom Oh fuck off, fuck off.

  Exit Tom. Pause. Enter Phil, a towel wrapped around him.

  Phil Bath’s running. Wanna share it?

  David No.

  Phil You can scrub all the tricky bits.

  David No. I can’t handle . . . no. I found your gear. In the cistern, I found your gear.

  Phil So?

  David So. I thought you were clean.

  Phil I am.

  David But you’re still keeping your gear in my toilet?

  Phil For emergencies.

  David Yeah?

  Phil For if I have an emergency. If I can’t handle stuff.

  David What stuff? You haven’t got any stuff to handle.

  Phil That’s what you think.

  David You’ve got it easy. You’re safe. I feed you. I give you clothes. If you want me to wipe your bottom . . .

  Phil I can’t handle you. You do my head in.

  David Oh come on.

  Phil What you trying to make me into? What are you doing to me? Fucking poof ’s food. Fucking queen’s clothes. That’s not me. That’s you that is. Well, maybe I don’t want to be you . . .

  David And what do you want to be?

  Phil I dunno . . . me.

  David And what are you exactly?

  Phil I dunno.

  David Junkie? Junkie cunt who doesn’t see his own kid? Smelly little street boy druggie?

  Phil Fuck off.

  David I’m trying to make you into something.

  Phil Yeah. Your bumchum. Well, I ain’t gonna do it any more. I ain’t gonna stick it up you any more. Alright? Where you going?

  David I’m going to throw it away.

  Phil pushes David over, kicks him.

  Phil What? What you gonna do that for? Fuck you. Fuck you.

  David I want you to . . . just leave me alone.

  Phil I’m not doing that.

  David I want you to go.

  Phil No. Don’t go after him. Stay with me. Stay. I’m not going. I’ll be here when you come back.

  Exit David.

  Phil Shit. Shit.

  Phil exits to bathroom. Returns with his gear. Injects.

  Cardew (off ) Eustace. Eustace. Eustace. Eustace.

  Enter Cardew.

  Phil Fuck.

  Cardew Eustace. Oh Eustace. You were wrong to leave me.

  Phil Yeah?

  Cardew You were foolish.

  Phil Yeah?

  Cardew I shall forgive if you will solemnly undertake never to be mislaid again.

  Phil Alright.

  Cardew You solemnly swear?

  Phil I solemnly swear. Forgive me?

  Cardew You are forgiven.

  Phil You gonna fuck me?

  Cardew Eustace.

  Phil I need a fuck.

  Cardew It’s not right to talk of such things.

  Phil You’ve gotta fuck me.

  Cardew We can be brothers. We can be comrades. We can fight alongside each other but. . .

  Phil I’m only asking for a fuck.

  Cardew Oh Eustace. Not the gutter. The stars.

  Phil Think you can do better?

  A bath appears.

  Cardew Get in the tub, Eustace.

  Phil What are you? Social worker?

  Cardew Eustace.

  Phil Don’t call me that. I’m not Eustace.

  Cardew But . . . You have his face.

  Phil I’m not Eustace.

  Cardew Then I have been horribly deceived. Go. Go.

  Phil I’m not gonna go.

  Cardew Leave now.

  Phil Please. Let me stay. I’ll be Eustace. I can be whatever you want me to be. How does he speak? Like this? Like this?

  Cardew He has a little too much of the aesthete about him.

  Phil Like this?

  Cardew You have him. I shall save you. You are ready to submit?

  Phil I’ve always wanted to be saved. But no one’s offered before.

  Cardew What’s your name?

  Phil Phil.

  Cardew Well, that can be changed.

  Phil Don’t call me Eustace.

  Cardew Of course not. That would only lead to muddle. Two Eustaces. I wouldn’t do that. Eustace will return and then think of the muddle.

  Phil So what you going to call me?

  Cardew I’ll choose later, after some reflection.

  Phil So for now . . . I’m nothing. I’ve got no name.

  Cardew For the present.

  Phil I like that.

  No clothes. No name.

  He makes baby noises.

  Cardew Please. No.

  Phil (baby noises) Dadda. Dadda.

  Cardew This is undignified. Get in the tub.

  Phil gets in the tub. Cardew washes him.

  Cardew We live in a sorry age. We have forgotten the most precious teaching of the Ancients. A boy cannot reach maturity in the family home. The family cloys. It crushes. A boy knows this. He longs for the disciplines of the Ancients. A boy waits for the moment. A man will arrive. An older man. Elected by the community. One day he appears at the family home. The mother and father tremble. They knew that this day must come. But still it has sent a deep fear into their hearts and they have not dared to tell the boy that this moment will come. But now it has come. The moment has arrived. The stranger is here.

  And he takes the boy’s hand. ‘Come. Come with me.’

  The boy turns bewildered and looks to his parents. What is happening? Tears roll down the parents’ cheeks but they nod as if to say: You must go. You must submit.

  And the stranger takes the boy and they go into the hills. A long journey until they find a goat. And they kill the goat and they skin the goat and the boy is dressed in the goat skin and he drinks the goat’s blood.

  And he sleeps in the hills with the stranger. And every day – a new conquest. A bison, a horse, an elephant.

  Weeks later the boy goes home. And his parents are different and he realises that they will do anything he says.

  He realises that he has power. He is a man.

  There. You’re done. Up.

  Cardew wraps the towel around Phil.

  Phil Mmmmmm.

  Phil reaches for his clothes.

  Cardew No. These are not suitable.

  A set of Victorian clothes appear.

  Cardew These are for you.

  Phil My guardian. I always knew I had a guardian. Didn’t I always say I had a guardian? My unfortunate guardian.

  Scene Ten

  Drawing room.

  Phil is in the Victorian clothes. He sings a Victorian ballad as Cardew watches.

  Phil I can’t do this.

  Cardew Of course you can do it.

  Phil Alright. I don’t want to do it.

  Cardew John. Don’t be wilful.

  Phil I don’t like John. Why do you call me John?

  Cardew Because it is both plain and becoming.

  Phil I don’t want to be plain and becoming.

  Cardew You will be whatever I decide you should be.

  Phil Why can’t I be called something else?

  Cardew What? Jack?

  Phil I don’t know. Something else.

  Cardew They will be through in a few minutes. After three. One two three.

  Phil sings.

  Cardew Well, it is not accurate but then anyone can sing accurately. But it is sung with great feeling, which is all that is required in polite society. The posture just a little more . . .

  Cardew arranges Phil.

  Phil Why can’t I stand naturally?

  Cardew Nature always benefits from a little rearrangement.

  Phil I feel uncomfortable.

  Cardew And a wilful nature must be watched at all times.

  Now, I shall fetch them. We will be through shortly. The chin just a little higher.

  Exit Cardew.

  Phil Horrid postures. Horrid chins and horrid, horrid music.

  Enter Prism with pram and handbag. She has a bloody nos
e.

  Prism Excuse me. Excuse me. I . . .

  She faints.

  Phil Fuck.

  He holds Prism.

  Come on. Come on.

  Prism Pray forgive me.

  Phil You alright?

  Prism Oh yes. Quite well thank you.

  She stands, faints again. She recovers.

  Oh dear.

  Phil What happened?

  Prism I have been the victim of an alarming incident.

  Phil Yeah?

  Prism Yes. I alighted, with some difficulty as I had the child in the perambulator, upon an omnibus in Gower Street which, as we turned into Bloomsbury Square, overturned, depositing me on the pavement.

  Phil Then you must be a Fallen Woman.

  Prism No. I assure you.

  Phil I’ve always wanted to meet a Fallen Woman.

  Prism Young man, I am quite unfallen.

  The baby cries.

  Phil The child is calling for you.

  Prism Oh it is quite alright. No great damage done. Oh.

  She opens the handbag.

  Oh no. Oh no. Wretched temperance beverage. Cursed omnibus. Oh, what is to become of us?

  Phil What is it?

  Prism A temperance beverage, which I bought in Leamington in a moment of extravagance, has exploded in the upset and – oh, look at my manuscript. Just look at it. Maybe it can be saved. If I hurry. Please, will you wait with the baby for a while?

  Phil I can’t do that.

  Prism For a very short while, while I clean –

  Phil No.

  Prism He will be no bother.

  Phil Don’t leave me alone with it. Please. Please. Take it with you.

  He pushes the pram to Prism.

  Take it with you.

  Prism pushes the pram to Phil.

  Prism Men are such cowards. For a moment.

  Phil pushes the pram back.

  Phil It won’t be safe. You can’t trust me.

  Prism But I do. I do.

  Phil I hurt people. I hurt myself. I done a bad thing. I shouldn’t have did what I did to her. I know that now.

  Prism Please. My manuscript is spoiling.

  Phil Listen. Listen. Somebody’s got to listen.

  My kid. My kid. She’s five. Then. She’s five. We’ve got it all. Got a flat. Her mum’s there. I’m there. And yeah, alright, we’ve both got a habit, but we’re coping, okay? We’re controlling it, it’s not controlling us.

  But I’m behind with my payments. And my dealer’s giving me hassle. I mean, he’s supplying but he’s giving a lot of grief.

  And I’m, ‘You’ll get your money. You’ll get it.’ Fuck knows how.

  And one day he goes: ‘Let me fuck the kid. Quick fuck with the kid. I’ll be careful – it’s not like I’m gonna split her or nothing. Ten minutes and I’ll let you off.’

  And I’m: ‘No. You perv, you nonce. No.’

  And it goes on. Months. ‘Let me fuck the kid.’ ‘No.’

  But then he stops supplying and you hold out, you’re going fucking turkey but, you’re a dad. Your instincts won’t let you . . .

  Until. Yeah. Until . . .

  Prism I don’t understand you. What strange words you use.

  Exit Prism.

  Cardew (off ) Through here. We’re all ready.

  Enter Cardew, Augusta, Moncrieff and Constance. They sit and wait, looking at Phil.

  John?

  Pause.

  Cardew John?

  Pause.

  John.

  Phil I’m not John. You can’t do this to me. You’re fucking me up. You find someone else, alright? You looked after me, you sorted me out. I’m grateful. But I’m moving on. You gotta find someone else.

  Cardew No. I don’t want that.

  Phil You’re a nice bloke. You’ll find someone.

  Cardew I don’t want that. I want you. I love you.

  Phil I don’t want you to love me.

  Cardew I don’t want to love you but . . .

  Phil I’m not like you. I can’t be like you.

  Cardew Stay.

  Exit Phil.

  Cardew John.

  Moncrieff Leave him be.

  Cardew But suppose he should escape.

  Augusta Escape?

  Cardew Please.

  Exit Cardew. The baby cries.

  Moncrieff Why is the child left unattended?

  Constance I don’t know.

  Moncrieff Where is the nanny? This won’t do at all. Prism! Prism!

  Exit Moncrieff.

  Augusta Unreliable creature. I knew from the moment I saw her on the platform she was not to be trusted.

  Constance How is our mother?

  Augusta Oh don’t talk to me of her. I detest our mother.

  Constance Augusta, no.

  Augusta Our mother is of the sorry opinion that Ireland is a woman in spirit and that the spirit of Ireland resides in her.

  Constance Yes?

  Augusta A delusion which has led her to write many mystic speeches and much inflammatory poetry.

  Constance But still, she is our mother.

  Augusta Really, this modern mania for acknowledging one’s parents after birth seems to me to be quite senseless.

  Constance You shouldn’t say such things.

  Augusta Mothers should have their eyes plucked out. Blindness is a very attractive thing in a woman.

  Constance How cold you are.

  Augusta Although you of course will be an excellent mother.

  Constance Yes. This is of me. This came from me.

  She picks up the baby.

  Nothing. I feel nothing.

  Scene Eleven

  Corridor.

  Phil (off ) Gobbledbybubblygobble. Hehhehhaa.

  Go up. Go down. Go all the way up. Go all the way down. Uh oh. Uh oh. Uh oh.

  Tastic. Tastic. Tastic. Hehehahahaaa.

  Baby cries. Enter Lorraine putting her clothes on. Enter Phil in the plastic mask.

  Phil Again. Again. Again. Again.

  Lorraine He wants me.

  Phil No bye-byes. No bye-byes.

  Lorraine I gotta go to him.

  Phil Tastic. Tastic. Again. Again.

  Lorraine (laughs) I told you no.

  Phil Tinky. Tinky-Winky.

  Lorraine You’re mad, you.

  Phil Oh oh oh.

  Lorraine Bye bye, Tinky-Winky. Bye bye.

  Phil Again. Again.

  Phil grabs Lorraine.

  Lorraine Off. Get off me.

  Phil Again. Again.

  Lorraine I told you. No.

  Pause. Phil takes off the mask. They kiss.

  Lorraine Look. I got responsibilities.

  Phil Too right. This (His erection.) – this is your responsibility.

  Lorraine No. That’s, well . . .

  Phil Yeah?

  Lorraine Well, that’s a laugh, innit?

  Phil Oh, a laugh right. Yeah. Tubbyhaha.

  Lorraine Yeah. That’s a giggle.

  Phil No. You’re involved now.

  Lorraine Please. I’ve got a kid to look after. I don’t want to let them down. I was only supposed to be here for a few days. But they asked me to stay on. ’Cos I’m good with him.

  Phil What they need you for?

  Lorraine He’s needy. They’re busy. He’s ill. They can’t cope.

  Phil They should learn to cope.

  Lorraine Come and have a look at him.

  Phil No.

  Lorraine Come on. He’s gorgeous. You’ll like him.

  Phil No.

  Lorraine He’ll like you. I know he will.

  Phil I’m not good with kids. They don’t like me.

  Lorraine You scared of him?

  Phil No . . . yes.

  Lorraine I love him. I never felt like I understood anyone before. Before, everyone I met . . . I’m talking, they’re talking. But I never understood them. I always felt like a kid. But him. I understand him, he understands me. I like that.

&
nbsp; Phil They’re gonna use you, you know that? Use you to bring up the kid then soon as it can stand on its own two feet they’re gonna push you out, you know that?

  Lorraine No. They’re not gonna do that.

  Phil They will. You watch. I wouldn’t do that. You come with me. I’m not gonna push you out.

  Lorraine You’re grown up now. You grow up and you’re alone. You gotta do things by yourself.

  Phil Can’t do everything by yourself.

  Lorraine No?

  Phil No. Some things you gotta do together.

  He slips his hands inside Lorraine’s knickers and starts to masturbate her.

  Do you like that?

  Lorraine Yeah.

  Baby cries.

  Phil He’s calling for you.

  Lorraine Yeah.

  Phil He can wait for a minute. Alright?

  Lorraine . . . Yeah. Where do you get those clothes?

  Phil Off a poof.

  Lorraine That’s what I thought. You a poof?

  Phil No. But I used a poof. Got to use who you can until you grow up, haven’t you?

  Lorraine Yeah.

  Phil But I don’t need them any more. I’ll get rid of them soon as I can.

  Beat.

  Lorraine I’ve got my mum’s knickers on.

  Phil Yeah?

  Lorraine I’m wearing my mum’s knickers.

  Phil Does she know you’ve got them?

  Lorraine She’s dead.

  Phil Nice.

  Baby cries.

  Lorraine I gotta go to him.

  Phil In a minute.

  He puts the mask on Lorraine, continues to masturbate her. I’m ready now.

  To be my own person. Always had something controlling me. The smack. And people. Didn’t know who I was so I let people control me. But I’m past that now. I’m gonna find out who I am. Do you wanna find out who you are? Not a nanny. That’s not you. You’re . . .

  He moves to go down on Lorraine. Yeah?

  Lorraine Yeah.

  Phil goes down on her. After a while, she pulls away.

  Lorraine No. I gotta go to him.

  Exit Lorraine.

  Phil Tubbytastic.

  Scene Twelve

  Boxroom.

  Lorraine is getting ready to go out. She is wearing a smart dress.

  Suzanne watches.

  Lorraine What do you think?

  Suzanne Oh yes. I like it.

  Lorraine It’s alright, isn’t it?

  Suzanne It’s great. Suits you.

  Lorraine You reckon?

  Suzanne Oh yes. You look great.

  Lorraine Like the one you’ve got.

  Suzanne I suppose it is – yes.