Ravenhill Plays: 1: Shopping and F***ing; Faust is Dead; Handbag; Some Explicit Polaroids (Contemporary Dramatists)

by Ravenhill, Mark

  Lorraine I saw you wearing it and I thought – That’s nice.

  Suzanne Well, good . . .

  Lorraine I mean it’s not yours. I bought it. But it’s like yours.

  She applies lipstick.

  Hot-blooded.

  Suzanne Yes?

  Lorraine That’s what they call it. Is your one Hot- Blooded?

  Suzanne No. I don’t think so. No. Well . . . I’m sure that’ll be appreciated. Hot-Blooded.

  Lorraine Oh yeah. He’ll like this.

  Baby cries.

  I’ll go / to him.

  Suzanne No, no, no.

  Lorraine I think he wants me.

  Suzanne Mauretta’s looking after him.

  Cries die away.

  There.

  Mauretta (on baby alarm) Yes. Yes. Mummy’s here.

  Lorraine Can you . . . ?

  Lorraine turns. Suzanne does up her dress.

  Suzanne So how’s it going? With this boy?

  Lorraine I like him.

  Suzanne And he likes you?

  Lorraine I reckon.

  Suzanne So . . . what’s he like?

  Lorraine Nice.

  Suzanne Well, that’s a good start.

  Lorraine Yeah. Nice. And . . . rich.

  Suzanne Rich? Really?

  Lorraine Yeah. Really rich. With stocks. And shares and that.

  Suzanne Lucky you.

  Lorraine Oh yeah. In the City. Selling and buying. On a computer screen. Tokyo. New York and that.

  Suzanne Job like that must involve quite a bit of travelling.

  Lorraine Travel, of course, yeah, travel. He’s going to be a millionaire by the time he’s twenty-five. He won’t want me to do this much longer.

  Suzanne Maybe, we should start looking for / another nanny.

  Lorraine No, no. You don’t need to do that.

  Suzanne But if you’re going to be / moving on . . .

  Lorraine No.

  Suzanne No?

  Lorraine I told him . . . I persuaded him to let me stay. ’Cos I’m too attached to you.

  Suzanne Does he come here?

  Lorraine Not really.

  Suzanne Never?

  Lorraine Well . . .

  Suzanne Sometimes?

  Lorraine Of course sometimes . . .

  Suzanne Often?

  Lorraine No, not often. He doesn’t like it here. He’s not comfortable. He’s used to . . . y’know . . . bigger. Posher.

  Suzanne I see.

  Enter Mauretta.

  Mauretta Fast asleep now.

  Lorraine I’ll look in on my way out.

  Mauretta No need.

  Lorraine Just have a / quick look.

  Mauretta Best to leave him be.

  Lorraine Alright then.

  Mauretta Actually, Lorraine, we wanted a word with you.

  Lorraine Yeah?

  Mauretta Just a quick word. Won’t take a few minutes.

  Lorraine Alright.

  Mauretta We just wanted to say . . . we’d appreciate it if you didn’t bring your boyfriend back here.

  Lorraine Alright.

  Mauretta And we’d particularly appreciate it if you didn’t use our bed. . .

  Lorraine You / what?

  Mauretta For your sexual / activities.

  Lorraine I don’t.

  Mauretta You don’t?

  Lorraine No. Course I don’t.

  Mauretta Because . . .

  Lorraine Because that would be wrong.

  Mauretta Yes. We’re agreed. That would be wrong.

  Suzanne All we’re trying to say is . . . this is a job. That’s all we want to say. I know the pay’s pretty shitty. But we pay what we can and we expect you to do your job.

  Lorraine I know, I know.

  Suzanne And we feel guilty.

  Mauretta Terribly guilty.

  Suzanne This room should be nicer . . .

  Lorraine I’m not complaining.

  Suzanne But that’s the deal.

  Lorraine I know.

  Mauretta And we expect you to give him your undivided attention.

  Lorraine I do.

  Mauretta But you can’t. If you’re . . . entertaining then you can’t be giving him your undivided attention.

  Lorraine I do give him my . . . I’m going now. He’ll be waiting for me.

  Mauretta Wait . . . You’re lying to us.

  Lorraine We’re going to a restaurant. The table’s booked.

  Mauretta Please. You’re lying / to us.

  Lorraine Don’t you call me a liar. You got no right to call me that. I don’t have to listen to this. I’m going now.

  Mauretta We’ve been monitoring your activities.

  Lorraine You what?

  Mauretta We installed . . . there have been cameras watching you.

  Lorraine laughs.

  Mauretta Yes. Really. There have been video / cameras. . .

  Lorraine What do you fucking do that for?

  Suzanne He’s our child. He’s fragile. He has to be looked after properly. We can’t allow him to be neglected.

  Mauretta We hoped that we were just being paranoid. That everything / was alright.

  Lorraine What is this?

  Suzanne You neglect him. He can cry. He can shout.

  Lorraine That’s not right.

  Mauretta Do you want to watch it? Do you want me to show it to you?

  Lorraine No.

  Mauretta And I can see why this has happened. It’s understandable. No girl wants to be tied to a baby for two pounds an hour when . . .

  Lorraine It’s not like that.

  Mauretta But. We’d like you to leave.

  Lorraine No.

  Mauretta We’d appreciate it if you were to look for somewhere else.

  Lorraine No. I’m not doing that. I’m not going. I like this job. (To Suzanne.) I bet you don’t want me to go. You don’t want to lose me, do you?

  Suzanne I . . .

  Lorraine Yeah, yeah. She wants me to stay.

  Suzanne Lorraine . . . We both want you to go.

  Beat.

  Lorraine She kissed me.

  Suzanne No.

  Lorraine Yes she did. With her tongue. Lezzy kiss she did on me. Big lezzy kiss.

  Baby cries again.

  He wants me.

  Mauretta No.

  Lorraine He’s calling for me.

  Mauretta I told you no.

  Mauretta pushes Lorraine back.

  Lorraine Fuck off. Fuck off, you cow. I’ll fucking have you, you cow.

  Lorraine attacks Mauretta. Suzanne pulls her off.

  Mauretta I want you out of my house.

  Lorraine You need me. He needs me. Someone’s gotta be here for him. You can’t do it. You’re out. You work.

  Mauretta That’s right. We work.

  Lorraine So you need . . .

  Mauretta We work so that he can have a future. He’s got to have an education. He’s not going to end up like . . .

  Lorraine What? What?

  Mauretta He’s not going to be a two-pound-an-hour person.

  Lorraine Fuck you. Fuck you.

  Exit Mauretta.

  Suzanne I’m sorry it all got . . . We’re just trying . . . we have to do what’s best for our son.

  Lorraine He likes me.

  Suzanne Yes. He does.

  Lorraine More than he likes you.

  Mauretta (on baby alarm) There. There. Alright now. She’s going.

  Lorraine And more than he likes her.

  Scene Thirteen

  Suzanne is watching a video.

  Baby cries on video.

  Phil (on video) He’s calling for you.

  Lorraine (on video) Yeah.

  Phil (on video) He can wait for a minute. Alright?

  Enter Mauretta.

  Mauretta No. Don’t, love. Come on.

  Suzanne I want to watch it.

  Mauretta No. Come on.

  Please. I don’t want to watch it.

  S
uzanne Then go somewhere else.

  Mauretta I’m not. You go somewhere else. I’m not having this. This doesn’t make it better.

  Suzanne So – you gonna make it better? How you gonna do that? Come on then. Come on. You make it better.

  Mauretta Is it true . . . ?

  Suzanne What?

  Mauretta What she said, that you / kissed her.

  Suzanne No. Why should I . . . ? No.

  Doorbell. Exit Mauretta, enters again with David.

  David Shit. Shit.

  So . . . some boy helped her take the baby?

  Mauretta That’s right. Her boyfriend.

  David So. Who is this boy? Did you give a description? You know what he looks like?

  Suzanne Oh yes.

  Suzanne rewinds the video.

  Phil (on video) I’m ready now. To be my own person. Always had something controlling me.

  Suzanne Can’t see his face now but. . .

  Phil (on video) The smack. And people. Didn’t know who I was so I let people control me.

  Suzanne In a minute you can . . .

  Phil (on video) But I’m past that now. I’m gonna find out who I am. Do you wanna find out who you are?

  Suzanne There. That’s him.

  Suzanne pauses the video.

  David I see.

  Suzanne Recognise him?

  David No.

  Suzanne Seen him before?

  David No. Don’t think so. Why should I have seen him before?

  Suzanne Just your type.

  David Oh yeah? Oh yeah? And what are we saying / here? What’s that supposed to mean?

  Suzanne What are we saying? What are we saying? We’re saying that maybe / on one of your adventures . . .

  David Fuck off. I don’t need this. / Fuck you. Cunt.

  Suzanne Yes, just maybe when you’ve been working your way across London then maybe you might have come across . . .

  David Fuck off.

  Suzanne I’m saying that maybe a father, / maybe a dad –

  Mauretta Hey come – she / doesn’t – come on . . .

  Suzanne Maybe somebody who wanted to be a dad / could be putting it about a little bit less that’s what I’m saying.

  David Instead of what? Videoing it all? Getting it all on tape is that what we’re saying? Coming home to watch eight hours of video just so we can feel like Mummy? Is that / what we’re saying?

  Suzanne I was watching out. I was watching out for him.

  David Oh, / well done. Well done you.

  Mauretta Shut up. You’re adults the pair of you. You wanted to be Mummy. You said that.

  Suzanne Yeah.

  Mauretta And you wanted to be Uncle.

  David Yeah.

  Mauretta So fucking act like adults for fuck’s sake.

  Enter Tom with food.

  Tom I thought we should eat. You need to eat something.

  David Hello . . .

  Tom Fuck. What’s he . . . What’s he doing here?

  David Please . . .

  Tom I don’t want him here. I don’t want you here.

  David Listen. I fucked up, alright? I fucked up big time. But now I know . . . I need you. Hold me.

  Tom holds David. David cries. Suzanne rewinds the video. Presses play. On video:

  Phil (on video) Didn’t know who I was so I let people control me.

  David Oh no. Please don’t. . .

  Phil (on video) But I’m past that now. I’m gonna find out who I am.

  Suzanne (to Tom) This is him.

  Long pause.

  David He’s a boy I . . . / I met a boy and he had no one and he needed to be looked after, alright? That’s all it was. Looking after him. And I got attached. I shouldn’t have done that. But what am I supposed to do? What am I fucking supposed to do? And I wanted to get rid of him. I should have got rid of the cunt but I was too weak. I was used. He was using me.

  Tom Boy? Destroyed / everything now. For a boy. Some boy to fuck you and you destroyed everything. I can’t do this any more. Waiting for you, wanting you, forgiving you. I’m not doing that any more. I’ve been so weak but now. I hate you. I feel hate for you. It could have been so good. The baby could have brought us together. But you couldn’t handle – had to ruin everything.

  Suzanne A boy, a boy. I knew it. I told you. Fucking around. Always got your dick up somebody’s arse. Always using work, using me as your excuse because you’ve got the urge, because you’re looking for a shag. How many times have I lied for you? How many times have I lied to Tom? You did this. My baby’s gone and you did this with your itchy dick. Cunt. / Cunt. Cunt.

  Mauretta Shut up. Fucking SHUT UP.

  Pause.

  Mauretta My baby. They took my baby.

  Tom Our baby.

  Mauretta My baby.

  Tom He loves me. He’ll be missing me.

  Mauretta And what did you do? At the end of the day what did you actually do?

  Tom I . . .

  Mauretta You wanked into a cup.

  Tom It makes me Dad. I’m a father.

  Mauretta It makes you nothing. You’re like him. You’re like her. You’re nothing. All of you. I had him. And I want him back. And we’re going to live together, him and me and I’m going to watch him grow and I won’t even tell him that you exist. And maybe you’ll interview him one day, and maybe you’ll teach him one day, and maybe you’ll try and sleep with him one day and you won’t even know who he is. He won’t know you. Just me. That’s all he needs.

  Tom All of us.

  Mauretta All of us? All of us doesn’t work. Look at you.

  Mauretta moves to go.

  Suzanne Where are you . . . ?

  Mauretta No. I don’t want you. You go to her. You go to Lorraine. Go and kiss Lorraine.

  Exit Mauretta.

  David I’m going to look for them. I . . .

  Exit David.

  Tom I’m always looking after people. I hate that. Why do I always look after people? What I want now is someone looking after me.

  Suzanne Yes.

  Tom Hold me.

  Suzanne No.

  Scene Fourteen

  Phil is bathing the baby.

  Phil And so now there’s three of them. The mum and the dad and the kid. And they’ve got a flat. Because that’s important. And the mum and the dad have got a habit. But that’s alright. Listen, it’s alright. And there’s a dealer. He’s a bad man. And he wants to do really bad things to the kid. And the dad says: ‘No. I’m not going to let you do that. I’m a father. No.’ But the months go on and the dealer keeps coming back. ‘Let me do bad things to the kid.’ ‘No.’

  Then he stops supplying. But now he’s a dad, he can fight it. He can go turkey this time and get through it.

  And finally the dealer comes for the kid and the dad says: ‘I’m free of you. I’ve got no habit and I’m free of you and I never want to see you again.’ And the dealer starts to shake, and then he turns red like a furnace and then smoke comes out of his ears and he burns up until there’s just a pair of shoes lying there and they’re full of ash and that’s the end.

  Enter Lorraine with food.

  Phil There – you’re done.

  Phil takes the baby out of the bath and wraps it in a towel.

  Lorraine Cake or bread and butter?

  Phil Bit of both.

  Phil places the baby in a cardboard-box crib at the end of the bed.

  Lorraine You’re good with him.

  Phil Yeah.

  Lorraine See. I knew you would be. You’re a natural.

  Phil We’re doing alright.

  Lorraine Yes, you are. He’s a bit of natural, isn’t he, Jack?

  Phil I was thinking. Jack. I don’t like Jack. That’s their name for him.

  Lorraine What then?

  Phil I don’t know. Something else. A name we give him.

  Lorraine You got an idea?

  Phil Yeah. Yeah. I know. I know.

  Phil picks up the baby, goes to put him i
n a bag.

  Lorraine What you doing?

  Phil Just for a moment.

  Lorraine He don’t like it in there.

  Phil For a moment. How long did you have him in there?

  Lorraine That was different, that was. I had to do that. To get him out. Save him.

  Phil Only take a minute.

  He opens the bag.

  Bye-bye, Jack. Bye-bye.

  He puts the baby in the bag.

  Come here.

  Lorraine goes over to Phil. They stand over the bag.

  Phil No more past. Begin again. Begin now. Yeah?

  Lorraine Yeah.

  Phil reaches down and takes out the baby.

  Phil Hello, Eustace.

  Lorraine Eustace? You’re mad you.

  Phil It’s alright.

  Lorraine It’s different.

  Phil Suits him.

  Lorraine Alright then. Eustace.

  She takes the baby and puts it in the box.

  Night, night. Eustace. Night, night.

  Baby cries.

  Oh. He’s gone and wet himself again. Where the nappies?

  Phil None left.

  Lorraine I thought you got more.

  Phil I forgot.

  Lorraine He needs a clean one.

  Phil I’ll go and get some.

  Lorraine No. You sit there and eat your tea. I’ll get them.

  Back soon. Alright?

  Phil Alright.

  Exit Lorraine. Baby cries louder. Phil walks it up and down.

  Phil Oh no, come on. Oh no.

  Enter Cardew.

  Cardew Oh help me. Please you must help me.

  Phil I don’t want to see you.

  Cardew Hide me. I am in great danger. There has been the most terrible talk about the Belgrave Square Society. They say I do the most awful things to my boys. And now the barbarians . . . a crowd of the most barbaric kind has attacked us. My home is on fire and the boys . . . the boys have been taken away from me.

  Phil That’s what you get, you nonce.

  Cardew John.

  Phil I’m not John.

  Cardew They are here. Hide me.

  Phil No. See this? I’ve got a kid to look after.

  Cardew You owe me this much.

  Phil I don’t owe you anything.

  Cardew I brought you naked and alone. What is his name? Who are his parents? Can he speak? Only his own language. He hasn’t learnt our tongue. Somebody must teach him to speak. Somebody must name him. I will be that person. And so I gave you everything.

  Phil I took everything. So I could make myself into a person and now I’m a person, I don’t need you any more. Used you to get what I wanted and now I don’t need you.