Involuntary Daddy

by Rachel Lee

  Finally, though, she couldn’t hide any longer. It was time for her insulin, and then she was going to have to go downstairs to eat, and act as if she hadn’t just spent hours up here brooding about imaginary hurt.

  All she had to do was get through the next three days. Then she could go home, far, far away from Rafe and his child.

  She felt a serious pang every time she thought of Peanut, but that was neither here nor there. Neither the baby nor the baby’s father was hers to lose. She had no business feeling this way.

  She gave herself her injection, waited a few minutes, then went down to make lunch. Rafe, thank goodness, was nowhere to be seen. She was able to make a sandwich and a cup of soup for herself, and eat in utter peace.

  And utter loneliness.

  Thursday morning the sun dawned bright and warm, and the blizzard was nothing but a remnant, melting drifts along the roadside and in the shadows of houses and trees It was an unexpected burst of Indian summer, and Angela had to restrain herself from running farther and longer than usual.

  When she got back to the house, she headed straight for the shower, avoiding Rafe as she had been doing since Tuesday, which he didn’t seem to mind. It was as if whatever closeness they’d had evaporated entirely after her outburst. Which was a good thing, she told herself for the hundredth time.

  Knowing it was good didn’t make it any more comfortable, however. Even when he was out of sight, she felt his presence, like a subliminal warning of storms to come.

  It would be a lot better when she got home. Her other problems would wipe this one out of her mind.

  So she wasn’t exactly thrilled when she came back downstairs for her snack to find Rafe and the baby waiting for her at the foot of the stairs.

  “After you have your snack,” he said almost diffidently, “could you do me a favor?”

  She supposed he wanted her to watch the baby. She knew she should say no, but there was no way she could refuse to take Peanut. For the past couple of days, she’d been missing that child as if he were part of her.

  “Sure,” she said, then wanted to kick herself.

  “Great. We’re going house hunting, and I’d like you to come along.”

  She could hardly believe her eyes. “Why? It’s going to be your home.”

  “Yeah, but ..well, I’ve never looked for a home. I always just get some efficiency apartment where I can hang the clothes I’m not wearing and sleep when I’m not sleeping somewhere else.”

  “And?”

  “Well...” He actually looked uncomfortable and a little bit embarrassed. “I don’t know exactly how to get a place with a baby in mind. I mean...I might be here long enough for Peanut to start crawling and walking. So I’d like a backup opinion.”

  “But I don’t know anything more than you do.”

  “Two heads have got to be better than one. Who else can I ask?”

  “Gage would probably have a better idea. He’s had children.”

  “But Gage is working. I’m sorry. I’m imposing. I shouldn’t have asked.”

  She hated it when he got polite. She could deal better with his coldness and bluntness. Worse, when he got polite, she didn’t know how to say no. “Okay,” she said finally. “But I don’t promise to be much help.” And she didn’t really have anything better to do to pass the afternoon. Or so she told herself. The truth was, the idea of spending an afternoon with Rafe appealed to her.

  And for once she didn’t argue with herself about it. She would be gone tomorrow, so how much more trouble could she get into?

  “I’ll buy you lunch,” Rafe said, “so just bring your travel kit with you.”

  In spite of herself, she was touched that he had considered her needs without prompting. He had the potential to be a really wonderful guy, she thought. But he had too many problems, and she just plain didn’t want to deal with them. Quite frankly, she didn’t think he would ever let anyone inside his barriers for long before he found a way to evict them.

  Before lunch they looked at two apartments, both of which they agreed might not be wise, since they were on the second floor.

  “Of course,” Angela said as they headed for Maude’s and lunch, “we’re probably being overly cautious. You probably don’t need to worry much about that until Peanut starts walking.”

  “For all I know, I’ll be battling this case here for the next five years.”

  “What about the job? What happened with that?”

  Rafe shrugged a shoulder. “I’ve got a leave of absence for the next three months. After that—well, I’ll deal with that when I get to it.”

  “You’ve really made up your mind, haven’t you?”

  “About the kid? You bet. I’ll do whatever I have to.”

  She liked him more in that minute than she ever had. Maybe she’d been judging him too harshly, she found herself thinking. Maybe he wasn’t as difficult as she thought.

  Whoa, there, girl, she told herself. Thinking like that was only going to get her in more trouble.

  Maude’s service was the usual abrupt, slightly unfriendly approach to taking care of her customers. She even scowled at Rafe and said, “I don’t like your friend.”

  “My friend?” He lifted an eyebrow.

  “That guy who followed you from Miami.”

  “What did he do?”

  “Telling me how to run my restaurant, like I haven’t been doing it just fine these forty years! What makes him think he can tell me what to do?”

  Rafe started to smile. “That’s Manny, all right. He runs a restaurant in Miami.”

  “This ain’t Miami.”

  “I know that. Apparently he doesn’t.”

  “Well, you tell him for me that if he don’t like my service and my food, he can damn well eat somewhere else.”

  “Tell him yourself, Maude. He’s not my friend.”

  She humphed. “I told him, all right, but he just keeps coming back. Man’s going to drive me to murder.” She stomped away with their orders.

  Rafe grinned at Angela. “I wish Maude were going to be the judge on this case.”

  She laughed. “It’d be settled in the time it took her to bang the gavel.”

  She excused herself to go to the ladies’ room for her injection. When she got back to the table, she found that Rafe had apparently taken the baby to change him. She settled back into their booth, but not before she was spotted by Manny Molina, who was just entering the diner.

  She groaned when he started to walk toward her and busied herself looking at the table.

  He didn’t take the hint. “Well, well, well,” he said with false joviality. “Rafe’s fiancée.”

  She almost winced at the word but managed to keep her face composed as she looked up at him. “Mr. Molina. You shouldn’t be talking to me.”

  “Why not? You’re not part of the case.” He squeezed into the booth, facing her. “So where’s the big man and the kid? Did they abandon you?”

  She didn’t answer directly. She figured she had to be very careful, so that she didn’t say or do something that might cause Rafe trouble with his case. “Just what exactly is your problem, Mr. Molina?”

  “My problem? It isn’t my problem, lady. It’s his problem. He took the kid away from the family.”

  “He is the baby’s family.”

  Manny shook his head. “He’s nothing but a stud who knocked my sister up and then vanished. He can talk about my brother Eduardo all he wants, but I’ll tell you something. He’s been living on the streets like a bum and a crook for years. He hangs out with people I wouldn’t let within ten miles of my kids.”

  “It’s his job.”

  “It doesn’t matter, lady. The only difference between these D.E.A. agents and the people they’re after is that the agents got government permission to do it. They get all high and mighty about it, when they’re no different than the people they’re after—except maybe they he more. Rafael Ortiz isn’t any better than my brother. And I’m going to prove it in court.”


  Rafe was suddenly there, holding the baby, looking livid. “You bothering my fiancee, Manny?”

  “Fiancée, shmiancée. Just keep lying, Ortiz. Those lies are gonna hang you in court.”

  Maude suddenly joined them. “Do I need to call the cops?” She was looking straight at Manny. “I told you to get out of here and stay out of here, and I meant it. You’re bothering my other guests. You got thirty seconds to get your butt outta here!”

  Manny left, muttering. Angela’s heart was still pounding, and she sat for a few moments, staring at her clasped hands. Finally she spoke. “He’s getting...nasty.”

  “What did he say?”

  “That you’re no better than the people you arrest.”

  Rafe shrugged and settled Peanut into his seat. “He might be right. Except I don’t get people addicted to drugs, and I don’t supply drugs to addicts. Oh, and I don’t break the law.”

  “Ever?”

  His eyes suddenly fixed on her. “No,” he said flatly. “Never. Which is not to say I never get tempted to, to speed up the process. I’m sure some agents cross the line. But I never have and never will. Sooner or later, the crooks make the mistakes I need to catch them. I can be patient when I need to.” He sighed and shook his head. “Maybe Manny’s started to worry that he’s not going to win this custody battle.”

  “I don’t see how he possibly can.”

  “I wish I were as confident.”

  After lunch they stopped at the real estate office, where the busy agent handed them keys to a couple of houses and told them to check them out.

  “I’m beginning to love small towns,” Rafe remarked as they drove to the first house “Where else would a real estate agent trust you with the keys?”

  “Nowhere that I know of.”

  He flashed her a smile, and she felt a little catch in her breathing, accompanied by a feeling of warmth. It wasn’t fair that a simple smile could affect her so strongly. She looked away quickly, staring out at the sun-drenched world with its patches of melting snow, and wondered how she could be so close to tears so quickly.

  The first house they looked at had one bedroom and floors that sloped drastically.

  “I don’t think so,” Rafe said.

  “Me neither,” Angela agreed.

  The second house smelled like cat urine, and they were out the door before they’d hardly stepped in.

  Rafe gave her a wry look. “Something tells me this is going to be harder than I expected.”

  “It might be.”

  “It’s not that I need perfection. But I do need to be comfortable and feel the kid will be safe.”

  She nodded.

  “You’re not saying much.”

  “It’s not exactly my decision.”

  He sighed. “I asked for your input. Tell me what you like. Please. Or I’m going to wind up in another efficiency that I’ll be cursing for months.”

  “Come on! You’re not that helpless!”

  He laughed, his dark eyes suddenly twinkling. “I’m a guy. It gives me an inferiority complex when it comes to things like this.”

  “And because I’m a woman, I’m supposed to know more?”

  He laughed again. “Sure. Aren’t you the ones with the nesting instincts?”

  She was torn between an urge to laugh and an urge to needle him. Unable to think of a good retort, though, she fell back on laughter and again felt that strange warmth when his eyes smiled at her.

  The next house was more to their liking. It had been freshly painted inside and out, there were two bedrooms, and the kitchen and bathroom had been modernized within the past five years. Whoever had last lived in it had taken good care of it.

  Angela found herself talking about the possibilities she saw, speaking of curtains and plants and where a couch would fit When she realized Rafe was listening to her with a bemused smile, her voice trailed off. “I’m sorry.”

  He shook his head. “I was enjoying it. Really. You have some nice ideas.”

  She felt her cheeks warm. “Thanks,”

  He stepped toward her, the baby in his arm, and came to a halt no more than twelve inches away. “You want a real home, don’t you?”

  “I have a home.”

  “Not the kind I’m talking about.”

  It was true, she thought, mesmerized by his gaze. She didn’t really think of her apartment as a home. The kind of place that made her feel safe and warm, not just the place where she happened to live. But she’d never seen her apartment as a permanent thing. It had always been a way station.

  “I want a home,” he said. “I’ve never really had one, either. This house won’t be it, of course. It’ll just be me and Peanut marking time. But I really want a home.”

  “You could make it a home.”

  He shook his head. “My life isn’t here, Angel. Just like yours isn’t. Sometimes I think I’m still looking for my life.”

  She caught her breath as the truth of what he had just said sank home. She knew exactly what he meant. She was still looking for her life, too, like some kind of Sleeping Beauty waiting for the prince’s kiss. Only for her there would be no prince. A wave of ineffable sadness washed over her.

  “Don’t look like that,” he said almost gruffly.

  “Like what?” -

  “Like you want to cry...”

  He leaned closer, bringing his face to within inches of hers, until she could feel the whisper of his breath against her cheek and lips. “You’ll find your home, Angel. You will.”

  “No...” She pulled away from him. “No, I won’t. No man is ever going to want me. Just stop it, Rafe! Stop it and take me home. This house is fine. You can live in it for a few months, and I need to pack....”

  “Angel—”

  “Don’t call me that! I’m not your angel. I’m not anybody’s angel. Now, will you take me home, or do I have to walk?”

  He drove her home and dropped her off, then roared away, leaving her standing on the sidewalk, wondering if she ought to just get in her car and leave right now before he managed to twist her emotions any more.

  Turning, she hurried into the house and up to her bedroom, where she started packing in a fury, throwing her things into her suitcases without regard, which led to her being unable to close the suitcases. It was the last straw. She lay on her bed and gave in to her tears.

  Life, she thought miserably, could be so damn unfair. She should never have come to visit Emma. All her two weeks here had done was show her all the things she was missing in life. Watching the way Emma and Gage looked at one another was enough to give her heartache, and being near Rafe...

  Well, being near Rafe was like being on the other side of a plate-glass window from food when you were starving.

  There was a quiet, insistent knocking at her door, but she ignored it, determined to indulge her stupid mood, then get up, close those damn suitcases and leave.

  But someone else had a very different idea. The door opened, and she rolled over quickly to find Rafe standing there.

  “Just leave me alone,” she said.

  He sighed. “I get the feeling I’ve been doing something very wrong where you’re concerned, and I want to know what it is.”

  “Just go away. I’m in no mood to be rational.”

  He stepped in and slammed the door behind him. “Neither am I!”

  She realized she had never seen him angry before, and what she was seeing right now was intimidating. But she wasn’t easily frightened. “Don’t act like a gorilla! Slamming doors won’t frighten me.”

  “I didn’t slam it to frighten you, damn it! I’m just so frustrated I could...I could...”

  “What? Hit me?”

  He swore. “I’ve never in my life hit a woman, and I’m not about to start!” He ran his fingers through his hair and glared at her. “Look, Angel—”

  “I told you not to call me that!”

  “All right. Angela. Now look...”

  “I don’t want to look. I just want
to be left alone.”

  “Just tell me what the hell I did wrong!” He roared the words, and they were followed by a silence so profound that Angela could hear the beating of her own heart.

  “I’m sorry,” he said abruptly. “I shouldn’t have shouted. I apologize. But please, tell me what I keep doing that’s making you so mad.”

  “Nothing.”

  “Nothing?” The frustrated note crept back into his voice. “You’re getting mad about nothing?”

  “Yes.”

  “I don’t believe you.”

  “Well, that brings us to a pretty pass, doesn’t it?” She sat up, scowling at him. “Now if you’ll just go, I’ll finish packing.”

  But he dropped into the chair facing her, crossed his legs loosely and regarded her over the steeple of his fingers. “Let’s try it this way. I know I’m a screwed up son of a gun. I already figured that out But I don’t know how I’m going to get unscrewed-up if people won’t tell me what I’m doing wrong.”

  In spite of her anger and contrariness, she felt herself aching for him. That couldn’t be a pleasant way to feel. “You’re not screwed up.”

  “No? Funny, every time I look at the mess my life is, I get a very strong feeling that I’m missing something basic.”

  “So? What’s new? Everyone’s life is a mess. Everyone’s missing something they need.”

  He never took those dark eyes from her, and she was beginning to feel uncomfortable, as if he could look right past all her defenses and see to her soul.

  “You know,” he said finally, “I thought I had some pretty good defenses, but yours beat all.”

  She caught her breath, feeling as if she had just been punched. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “No? Then how about we get back to the discussion we were having earlier? I was willing to admit I want to find a home. What’s your problem with that?”

  She shrugged, words deserting her.

  “See? You can’t even discuss it. The difference between us is that I’m willing to admit what I want, and willing to hope I might find it You aren’t even willing to hope.”

  “That’s not true!”

  “Sure it is. I drive you crazy, don’t I?”

  “I never said that!”