Not Ready To Fall

by Sophie Monroe

  I picked up his phone and switched it to silent, before heading to the bathroom to pee and shower. Grabbing a towel from the linen closet, I started the water and glanced in the mirror. Mascara was smeared under my eyes and my hair was in disarray. Stepping into the hot water, I let it run down my back as I thought about Jack. Things with us were so complicated. It was hard to want to keep it going, especially given our not so excellent track record so far. Something about him always made me want to keep trying to hold on.

  He was right, I was already beginning to want more, despite what I tried to tell myself. I constantly found myself wondering how he was, or if he was having a good day. He wasn't the overly emotional type, which made it even harder to try and figure him out. Something told me to run fast and far. That little voice in the back of my head telling me to end it and save myself from the heartache that was sure to follow.

  Just as I was trying to finish collecting my thoughts, the shower curtain opened and he stepped in.

  "You're ass is spectacular."

  What usually felt like a big shower seemed tiny, since he dominated the space. Part of me wanted to cover up, the other part of me wanted him to take me against the tile wall. My mind was such a clusterfuck of emotions. He was like a wrecking ball to my mind. I couldn't think clearly while he was in my proximity.

  "What's going on in that pretty head of yours?" He asked. Instead of answering, I grabbed my towel hanging on the shower bar and stepped onto the bathmat. "So that's how we're gonna play it again, Char?"

  "I'm not playing anything, Jack. Which is exactly why I'm giving you your space." I wrapped myself and walked into my bedroom. Riffling through my drawers, I grabbed a pair of cotton shorts and a t-shirt and dressed in haste before heading into the kitchen.

  Pouring coffee into a mug, I exhaled a deep breath. I was acting like a nutcase. He was acting fine and I was putting my defenses up. It was easier to keep him out and keep my heart safe. We needed to stop this in its tracks. He already had too much hold over me. I decided to make him some bacon and eggs for when I broke the news to him.

  He came out and sat at my breakfast bar in just his boxer briefs. Sliding the plate in front of him, he looked at me skeptically.

  "Did you poison them?"

  Rolling my eyes, "no. I didn't. I just figured I'd butter you up before we talked."

  "If you're buttering can you at least make me some toast?"

  I tried to unsuccessfully hold back a laugh, as I popped two slices of bread into the toaster.

  "Jack, we're not good for one another. I think that's evident. I don't know if it boils down to it being the wrong time or what, but it's not good for either of us. I think for both our sakes that we just end it before it goes any further."

  His face showed no emotion whatsoever. He shrugged indifferently and continued eating his eggs. I buttered his fucking toast and put it in front of him. He dripped egg yolk into his beard and I turned to hide the smug look on my face. I wanted to see how long it took before he realized it. I was also ready for him to vacate.

  Jack

  I had no idea what her fucking problem was this morning. Ever since I got in the shower with her this morning hoping to get lucky again, she's been acting like a raging bitch. This is the exact reason I didn't do the whole relationship thing. Her guard was back up and I wasn't going to put in the time to try and knock it down for some stellar sex. I'd have to get it elsewhere.

  I put the plate in the sink and walked into the bedroom to retrieve my stuff and get dressed, so I could get out of here. I'd be lying if I didn't say it hurt a little walking out of her life again.

  She stood arms crossed with her back up against the counter. I went and kissed the top of her head. "Take care of yourself, Char."

  She turned her head away from me.

  I walked out the door and out of her life.

  Three months later...

  After the last time we had sex, we made it about a week before we ended up back in bed. We had this gravitational pull toward one another. No matter how much we tried to fight it, it was futile. No girl did it for me like she did. We agreed to a strict benefits only thing. It became a once or twice a week thing. It had become a familiar, comfort thing for both of us. The emotion was removed completely. It was just two people with awesome chemistry using each other.

  Sure, we were friends and I gave a shit about her. But, the reality was we were both trying to heal. She was a security blanket in a way. She never expected much, but I could tell it was starting to take its toll on her. I had just pulled out. She scooted up and covered herself with the sheet. A sheen of sweat covering her face. She was so fucking beautiful. She climbed out of bed and dressed in a hurry. It wasn't out of the norm, but something felt off. I thought back to the past few days to see if I could think of anything I'd done wrong. My mind came up empty.

  I walked with her into the entryway, where she slid on her heels and grabbed her bag. She looked intently at me. She bit her lip and seemed to be hesitating.

  "So, you'll be relieved to know I think it's time that I move on and find a boyfriend."

  I felt a little blindsided, but I knew it was only a matter of time before she decided she needed more.

  "I've enjoyed the time we spent together, but I need something with stability. Something with a future. As it is, we rarely see each other, and when we do it's just for sex. Don't get me wrong, it's been great, but I need more. I spend way too many nights alone and you're not ready to commit, which leaves us at an impasse."

  "I guess you're right," I said, trying to hide my hurt. I'd spent the past three months trying to open myself up to the idea. It wasn't an overnight process. The next woman I committed to was going to be my future wife. No more games. If she was ready to move on, I needed to let her.

  "Take care of yourself, Jack." She kissed my cheek and walked out the door and out of my life. Again.

  Words were lodged in my throat, refusing to come out. Part of me wanted to chase her out the door, but the other part knew I needed to let her go.

  I spent weeks trying to get over her after that night. I usually just ended up working late and winding up at the bar. We were quickly becoming strangers. I knew she'd gone out a couple of times with different guys because she'd post pictures on her social media. Those usually resulted in the closest thing to me getting a wrath or ending up broken. If I weren't so dead set in my ways, I would go to her and grovel, but that wasn't my style. At least not yet. I needed to clear my head.

  I decided I needed to get out of here for a bit. I was going to take Zane's ashes and spread them in his favorite places. I spent two days getting stuff in order and left my best friend, Colt in charge. Packed as light as I could, just my backpack and necessities, I climbed onto my bike and took off. I headed up the coast to New Jersey. My dad's parents lived here and we'd visit in the summers. We'd always go to the boardwalk, ride the rides and get our fill of ice cream, funnel cake, and cotton candy. I missed them terribly. They both passed away about six months apart when I was a senior in high school. Zane always loved the ocean. We'd pick up girls, surf, build sandcastles, but mostly just be kids. I missed that time in my life. It was like we were so focused on growing up to do all the things that we couldn't, that it passed us by. Now, it was just me.

  Just stopping for gas, I made it up there at sunset. I took my boots off and made my way onto the beach. The boardwalk was mostly empty and it didn't have the same liveliness that I remembered. A gust of wind came off the ocean as the waves crashed at my feet. The bottom of my jeans were getting wet, but right now I didn't have a care. I closed my eyes and just listened. Taking my backpack off, I scattered some of his ashes with a heavy heart.

  It was becoming realer that he wasn't coming back. I think in a lot of ways, I was in denial that he was gone. Even though I was the one to identify him, it still didn't seem real. Every life must end, his just ended way too soon. After I had my moment on the beach, I gathered my things and made my way back
up to the bike. I tied my boots and went to look for the nearest bar.

  It didn't take me long, they were everywhere. This one looked a little less hipster than the others. I made my way inside and took a seat. A pretty brunette bartender placed a napkin in front of me.

  "Whatcha having, doll?" Her New Jersey accent was strong.

  "Bourbon, neat. Please." I took some bills out of my wallet and placed them down.

  I was thankful that it was relatively quiet in here. It was a weekday, but it was also prime season. Fall would be coming soon.

  "You okay? You look a little lost?" She asked, setting my drink down.

  Maybe some outside perspective could do me some good. Bartenders tended to make great therapists. "I've had better days. I'm Jack, by the way."

  "Jenny. And haven't we all. I've been here since one o'clock. It's dead now, but the five to ten crowd is a rowdy bunch of bastards."

  I laughed. "We used to spend a couple weeks here every summer growing up. Not a whole lot has changed."

  Wiping the bar down with a rag, she smiled. "Not really. So what brings you back?"

  "My brother died a few months back, he wanted his ashes spread across his favorite places. This was one of them."

  "I'm sorry to hear that. You're a good brother for carrying out his wishes."

  Just then my phone pinged. It was a text from Charlotte. I'm drunk. I fucking miss you. You're going to break me. Leave me in ruins. I'm afraid I'll never be able to pick up the pieces. That's why things have to be the way they are. I fucking hate everything right now, including you.

  I felt like a knife had been plunged into my heart. Where are you? Do you need me to send someone to get you home safe?

  I just got done telling you I fucking hate you and you want to send someone to come get me?

  Yes. I want to make sure you're okay. You can hate me all you want. In a lot of ways, I almost deserve it I suppose. You haven't exactly made this a walk in the park either. If I'm being honest, I miss you too. :(

  Where are you?

  I'm not in NC.

  Huh?

  I'm on a little quest. Zane wanted to be scattered at his favorite places, so I'm off doing that. I needed to get away anyway. Please let me know if you need a ride and I'll have one of the guys come get you. I've had enough loss lately.

  Yeah. Fine. Thanks. Have a good trip.

  And just like that, silence. Jenny looked at me. I knew I should just shut up about the whole Charlotte thing. But, maybe as a fellow member of the female race, she might have some insight as to what in the ever loving fuck was going on in Charlotte's beautiful mind.

  She cocked an eyebrow. "Girl problems?"

  "You have no idea." I ran my hand through my beard. I knocked back the rest of my bourbon and pushed my glass forward for her to refill.

  She filled it and came around, taking a seat next to me.

  "Females are uncomplicatedly complicated. We have like ten different personalities. You just have to pick one or two you like and ignore the rest. I don't know you, but you seem like a nice enough guy. You're good looking, it looks like you work." She gestured at my hands.

  "It's a lot more than that. I got out of a relationship about a year and a half ago. I thought she was the one. I spent five years of my life preparing myself to take the plunge, then just like that she was gone. I'm not sorry she's gone, but still. After that, I decided it was time to do me for a while. My company was doing well, but it started doing better when I threw myself into it one-hundred percent. I like going out and doing shit with my friends and not having to answer to anyone. Charlotte and I met the night my brother was killed. She's smart, gorgeous and this is going to sound lame, but she has a good soul. She never gives me shit. She only wants what I want to give. She's not a taker and in the time that I've known her, she really hasn't had a crazy episode. The thing is, right before I came here she decided she wanted more. I was slowly warming up to the idea, but when she told me, I just let her go and now she hates me."

  She reached and put her hand on my forearm. "She doesn't hate you. In fact, she probably loves you. I was in a similar situation at one time. The heart wants what it wants. She most likely slowly fell in love and it hurts too much to hold on, so she felt the only way to make the pain go away was to let you go. Now, I can't decide what's best for you. It's hard to hold on to someone that you feel isn't holding on. She's scared. Think about if the situation were reversed, you'd feel pretty shitty. Here you are putting yourself out there and you're not getting much in return. It's like trying to run in cement. You're not getting very far. Now, I don't know if you want to give up your ideal bachelor life, or if you're just letting things play out. But, you need to make your mind up before it's too late. There's more than one fish in the sea and if she's a great girl, there's most likely a line of guys that would be happy to take your place. Just some food for thought."

  "I think I'm going to need another."

  She patted my arm and made it to the other side of the bar. I took some more money out of my wallet and left it on the counter. I let what she said sink in. Charlotte was everything I ever thought I wanted in a wife. She was smart and easy on the eyes. She'd make a great mother and was an awesome friend. As far as women went, she was pretty much a unicorn. She had her moments, but she was human. She was scared. Owen had really done a number on her and she was apprehensive about putting herself out there again to get hurt. Unknowingly, she had given me the ability to hurt her without me even realizing it. What's even worse is, I think I did hurt her. I needed a chance to really think about what was best for both of us.

  CHAPTER SIX

  TAKE YOUR TIME

  I made it back to North Carolina just in time for Colt's bachelor party. We currently sat in the back of the limo after a night of fun. They had been ribbing on me all night about bringing a date to the wedding. They were settling down. Some of them either had kids or one on the way. I wanted it, but I was enjoying my freedom too. My head swam since I had way too much Jager for my own good. As much as I tried to avoid it, my thoughts kept going to Charlotte.

  Since that night at the bar, I had done everything possible to avoid texting or calling her. She was so fucking pretty. A bitch, but a pretty great bitch. Nothing held my interest like she did. Not even strippers. My mind always ended up thinking about the hazel eyed, honey blonde that turned my world upside down. It was like a light bulb went off in my head and suddenly things started clicking together.

  I needed to somehow convince her to go with me as my plus one and with any luck become my plus one. My work was going to be cut out for sure.

  CHARLOTTE

  Today was a long one. This plantation reno ended up being a much bigger project than we originally anticipated, and I was working twelve hour days in order to meet the deadline. They wanted to stick with as much original feel as possible, so I was trying to source materials from all over. I was looking forward to opening up the bottle of wine I just picked up at the liquor store and taking a long bath.

  Pulling into my parking spot, I was shocked to see none other than Jack sitting on my steps. I let out an audible groan because this was the last thing I felt like dealing with right now. First, I loathed unannounced company. Second, I was just getting over getting over him again. Something about him always lingered in my subconscious, but we were all wrong for each other. Which isn't entirely true, we'd actually be good together if we weren't so stubborn. I knew he was still dealing with losing Zane in his own way, but I kept getting hurt. It wasn't entirely intentional, but enough to know I needed to put a stop to it before any more emotion went into it.

  Grabbing my bag and the bottle of wine, I stepped out of my car. He stood and put his hands in his pockets. His eyes intent on my every move.

  "Jack," I greeted.

  "Hey," he hesitated.

  I was not in the mood for his games. "Is there a reason you're here?"

  Stepping past him, I headed up the steps to my front door. Like a lost pu
ppy he followed. Holding the door open, I begrudgingly let him in. I headed straight to the kitchen and grabbed a corkscrew and a wine glass. After pouring it almost to the brim, I took a long, satisfying sip and waited for him to speak.

  "Listen, I don't know what's going on, or why you acted the way we did the last time I was here, but I still miss you. You pop into my head constantly and I hate it, but I can't shake you. I've tried. I'm a mess. Everything is starting to suffer. Work, social life, everything. I've tried staying away because I thought it was best, but why should we keep punishing ourselves, Char? It's inevitable that we're gonna end up together and have three kids. Two boys and a girl." He smiled at the thought and I debated tossing the wine glass at his head, but what did the wine ever do to me?

  "You're unbelievable, you know that? It's been three weeks and nothing. Not even as much as a, hey Char how's it going? Now you show up and just expect me to be like, sure Jack that's a great idea. It's not gonna happen." Crossing my arms over my chest, I glared at him.

  "I knew it wasn't going to be that easy, which is why I have a plan. You'll need to change though. We're going on a date."

  "I'm not going anywhere with you," I practically spat.

  "Listen doll, you can either go get dressed in what you want, or I'm gonna pick you up, toss you over my shoulder and take you anyway. Don't make it harder than it has to be." He grinned.

  As much as I wanted to dig my heels into the ground, seeing his face tossed everything aside. I wanted to go, but I wasn't going to let him know that.