Kangblabla!

by Andrew Gates

  “Oh, now that’s a thick beer! And so… not light.”

  “It is,” Thorn agreed. “It’s a stout.”

  “Oh.”

  “Enjoy.” Thorn turned away from the couple and took a few steps to his fellow barman, Steve.

  “Looks like you have some odd patrons over there,” Steve noted.

  “Yeah, tell me about it. The guy’s sweating like a waterfall and shaking like an earthquake. He literally tapped me on the shoulder as I was getting her wine to tell me that he was going to pay for it. Then he said to just get him any beer.”

  “First date?”

  “Definitely.”

  Steve sighed and let out a chuckle.

  “Ha ha! You’re in for an awkward night, Thorn,” he said, patting him on the back. “Let’s see how many times they dead-end in a conversation and take a sip just to fill time.”

  “My count is 20.”

  “I bet 35,” Steve said.

  “You’re on. Loser buys the winner a shot.”

  “Two shots if we can correctly guess how they met,” Steve added.

  “Oh, I bet they met on EvilDoers.”

  “My bet is on EmpireLink.”

  “Prepare to lose.”

  Thorn shuffled back over to their side of the bar and began cleaning off some glasses. He casually listened in, trying to eavesdrop without being too conspicuous.

  “It’s good to finally meet you, Stein,” the man said. “You look so pretty in person.”

  “Oh, thanks, Frank! You also look nice.”

  Thorn moved both hands in front of his mouth to conceal his laughter. This was just too awkward to endure.

  “You never know what people will look like in real life. A lot of ladies out there have fake profiles.”

  “I’ve heard that.”

  “But you don’t have a fake profile. In fact, you look even better than I could have thought!”

  “Oh, thanks, Frank!”

  Awkward silence. They both took a sip at the same time. One.

  “So, how long have you been using EvilDoers?” asked the man named Frank as he placed the glass back on the countertop.

  “Yes!” muttered Thorn to himself. He knew he was right to bet on EvilDoers.

  “This is my first date using EvilDoers,” the woman replied.

  “Mine too!”

  “Oh, that’s so silly! What are the odds?”

  “I know, right?”

  “I guess everyone is meeting this way these days.”

  “I guess so.”

  Awkward silence. Another sip. Two.

  This was sad, just plain sad. Thorn did not know how much more of this he could take.

  “I saw on your profile that you are a fighter pilot,” the man said.

  “Yes, I am!”

  “That must be pretty exciting.”

  “Yeah, it is a cool job. I saw that you’re a soldier, right?”

  “Yeah, I am!”

  “And you like it?”

  “I do,” the man said. “Yeah, it’s… it’s a good job.”

  “Yeah, mine too.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Yeah.”

  Awkward Silence. Another Sip. Three.

  “So… how old are you?” the man asked.

  “How old do you think I am?”

  “I will guess 30,” he proudly said.

  “Oh.”

  “What? Am I off?”

  “I’m 28.”

  “Oh.” The man looked away from her for a moment, then looked back. He fidgeted. “You look older… I mean, not old, but like, more mature.”

  “I look mature?”

  “Yeah, you know, like you have a lot of wise maturity and stuff,” the man said, trying to save the conversation.

  Thorn could not take this any longer. He had to jump in, lest he go insane.

  “Hey there,” Thorn said, walking over. “How’s everything going? Still working on those drinks?”

  “Yeah,” the man replied. “Everything is fine, right Stein?”

  “Yeah, everything is fine, thanks.”

  “Hold on,” Thorn said, butting in. “Did you call her Stein?”

  “I did. That’s her name,” the man explained.

  “So… so your names are Frank and Stein?”

  “Yes, those are our names,” the man answered. He did not seem to get it.

  “No, no, listen. Frank and Stein. Like Frank-n-stein.”

  The man simply stared back at Thorn as if he were speaking a foreign language. The woman, however, began to laugh hysterically.

  “Oh! I didn’t even realize the coincidence!” she said. She practically fell off her stool from laughing so hard. This was the first time she seemed to be having any fun since their date began.

  “What? I don’t get it,” Frank said.

  “You know, like Frank-n-stein,” the woman repeated.

  “I… I still don’t get it!” the man said. He seemed worried.

  “Like Frankenstein, you know!” she explained, bluntly.

  “No. What is that?”

  “Dude, you don’t know Frankenstein?” Thorn asked in disbelief.

  “Is this some kind of joke? Are you guys teasing me?” the man wondered.

  “No, no, never mind,” Thorn said. He simply turned away and let them figure it out. He was not about to explain the Frankenstein monster to an awkward sweaty man on his first date with a Barbie-doll.

  “It’s an old book from a long time ago,” the woman started as Thorn walked away. “It’s about a man who makes a monster with dead bodies and mechanical pieces.”

  “That sounds gross. Are you calling me a monster?”

  “No, the monster is called the Frankenstein monster. Seriously, how have you never heard of that?” she asked.

  “I don’t know. I guess I don’t read much.”

  “Oh. Well, that would do it.”

  “Do you read much?” he asked.

  “Yeah, I do.”

  “Oh. What do you like to read? Frankenstein?”

  “No, I haven’t read that one. I like action stories. I guess that’s why I like being a fighter pilot. I like to go where the action is.”

  “Oh. That makes sense. It’s a good job for you if you like that kind of stuff.”

  “Yeah.”

  “I bet you have a lot of action in your job.”

  “Yeah, it is an exciting job.”

  “And you like it?” he asked.

  “Yeah, it’s a good job.”

  “Good.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Yeah.”

  Awkward Silence. Another Sip. Four.

  Thorn grimaced. He should have made a bet on how many times they would repeat their own dialog. He would have won that bet easily.

  Steve walked by and tapped Thorn on the shoulder.

  “How’s it going?” he asked, turning his back to the couple.

  “It’s maddening,” Thorn replied, keeping is voice down. “I’m going to need a tequila shot just to make it through the night. You owe me one, by the way. They met on EvilDoers.”

  “Damn. Alright. When do you want it?”

  “I’ll take it now if it’s alright with you,” Thorn said.

  “On it.” Steve nodded and patted Thorn on the back before walking off to prepare the shot. “Lime?” he asked.

  “I’ll just take it straight up.”

  Steve handed Thorn the shot, which he downed at once.

  “Thanks,” he said.

  “No problem. Might want to check in with them,” Steve suggested. He motioned to the couple.

  “Yeah, I guess I should.”

  Thorn walked back to the couple again. He didn’t know what they’d been talking about for the last few seconds, but they silently took another sip of their drinks as he approached. Five.

  “Still doing alright?” Thorn asked.

  “Uh… actually, sir, I was hoping to get a different beer,” said Frank.

  “Not liking the Cornerstar
Stout, are you?”

  “No, I don’t think I do. Let me ask you: what is your most popular beer?”

  “Why that would be World Ender Ale.”

  “If that’s your most popular beer, why didn’t you serve me that one?” Frank wondered.

  “Because you asked me to pick whichever beer I wanted and the Cornerstar was the closest tap to me,” Thorn answered, bluntly.

  “Frank, don’t pester the man! He’s just doing his job!” said Stein. “You did ask him to pick whichever beer he wanted.”

  “I’m sorry,” he said, turning to face her. “I’m not usually like this. I hope you can forgive me.”

  “Oh, Frank, it’s alright. I like a man who knows when to say he’s sorry.”

  Thorn rolled his eyes. This was so fucking stupid.

  “So do you want the World Ender Ale or not?” he asked, just wanting a straight answer.

  “Uh… yes, that would be great. Thanks.”

  “Coming right up.”

  Thorn poured a new glass of beer and placed it down before Frank.

  “Thank you, sir.” Frank lifted it up and took a sip. “Oh, much better! It’s less thick and more… light.”

  “Yeah. It’s an ale,” Thorn said.

  “Then I like ales.” Frank turned to face his date. “What do you like?”

  “I like ales too,” she said.

  “And wine!” Frank replied, pointing to her wine.

  “Yeah, and I like wine,” she agreed.

  “Hey bartender, what was the first type of beer I tried?” Frank asked, turning to face Thorn again.

  “You had a stout.”

  “A stout!” Frank repeated. “Yes, that was it. I don’t like stouts.”

  “Neither do I,” added Stein.

  “So you like ales and not stouts and I like ales and not stouts! Wow! We have so much in common!” Frank’s face lit up as if he were genuinely excited.

  Thorn wanted to leave right now. He didn’t even care to wait around for his tip. He could not take it anymore. Enduring these two was excruciating.

  “I feel a real connection to you, Stein,” Frank said. He stared into her eyes.

  “Really?” she asked.

  “Yes, really.”

  “That’s amazing. I feel the same about you.”

  Thorn could not believe what he had just heard. They could not seriously like each other. This date was a disaster. They must have both been desperate.

  “What do you say I pay the tab and we get out of here?” Frank suggested.

  “Where would we go?”

  “How about we go back to my place?”

  “I would like that very much.”

  Thorn gasped in astonishment, wondering what the hell was going on.

  “Hey bartender,” Frank said.

  Thorn looked up.

  “We’re ready to pay.”

  Frank had hardly finished either of his beers. Stein’s glass was still half full.

  “Really?” he asked.

  “Yeah! And I’ll pick up the whole tab,” Frank declared, proudly.

  “Oh, Frank. That’s so kind!” added Stein.

  “Alright,” Thorn said, trying to hold back his excitement. In reality, he could not wait for them to leave.

  Thorn processed the payment. Frank gave a decent enough tip. Then the two pushed in their stools and set off on their way. As they departed, Thorn turned away from them and silently cheered. He let out a deep breath and splashed some water in his face.

  “Good job,” Steve said, patting Thorn on the back. “You did it!”

  “Those guys are fucking awkward. It was maddening,” Thorn explained. “And guess what: they went home with each other.”

  “Seriously? Those two?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Well that’s insane.”

  “Yeah. Tell me about it.”

  “How many awkward sips did they have?”

  “I counted five.”

  “Damn, just five? Shit,” Steve said. He seemed both surprised and disappointed.

  “They weren’t here for very long.”

  “True.”

  “But still, I guessed closer. That means I win both bets,” Thorn said.

  “Does that mean you’re ready for your second shot?”

  “It does. It definitely does.”

  Part Five: The Attack

  Hello and good evening World Ender Base personnel, please listen for an urgent message from [voice changes] Lord Admiral Deathstrike:

  [Muffled noise]

  World Ender, this is Lord Admiral Deathstrike. All fighter pilots, report to your ships. Repeat – all Totalus fighter pilots, report to your ships immediately. This is not a drill. World Ender Base is under attack. Repeat – World Ender Base is under attack!

  ***

  “The World Ender Base is under attack?” Frank repeated as he listened to the words echoing through the station’s intercom.

  Frank pulled away from Stein’s sweet lips and stared her in eyes. The emergency message interrupted them right when things were getting good.

  Damn intercom. Frank was almost about to make a move.

  “I have to go,” Stein said. She took a few steps away from him.

  “Don’t go, Stein. I want this moment to last forever. Please, don’t go!” Frank pleaded.

  “You heard the news. The station is under attack. I need to get out there!”

  “How bad could it be? This is the most powerful station ever constructed. Do you seriously think anything can harm us?” Frank asked.

  Stein paused for a moment, then pulled out her system’s reader and scanned the mission details on the screen.

  “They’re saying it’s a small amount of Resistance fighters,” she read aloud. “Judging by their grouping, it looks like they’re divided into four different squadrons with two different objectives. Hmm… that’s interesting. Why didn’t they just divide into two squadrons?”

  “Who cares about how many squadrons they have? Don’t you see? It’s just fighters! They didn’t even bring a fleet! Come on, Stein. We’re okay! What are a few fighters going to do to a battle station like this?”

  “I don’t know, but I still have to go out there,” Stein replied, placing her system’s reader back into her purse. “It’s not really my choice.”

  “But… but…” Frank had to say it. If he did not say it now, he knew he never would.

  Stein looked so beautiful, like an angel. There was no way this woman could be evil like all the rest. She just couldn’t be.

  “What?” Stein asked.

  “But the Resistance are the good guys!” Frank finally said. He let out a deep breath.

  “Yeah,” Stein replied. She nodded her head. “I know. That’s the problem.”

  “So, you know that we’re the bad guys?”

  “Yeah.”

  “And… you like being the bad guys?”

  “Yeah, of course,” Stein replied matter-of-factly. “Everyone in this station is bad. This is the Totalus Empire!”

  “But… but…” Frank could not think of the words to say. He could not believe what was happening. Stein, beautiful, wonderful, perfect Stein, was just as bad as the rest. It almost did not seem real.

  “Wait, did you… did you think I was good?” Stein asked in a tone of shock.

  “Uh… uh…” Frank froze. He did not know what to do or say.

  “Wow,” Stein finally said, turning away from him. She hastily gathered her things. “And to think I almost slept with you.”

  “You… you what?”

  Before Frank could say another word, Stein was out the door. She slammed it shut and the room was instantly silent. Frank could not believe what had just happened. He stared at the empty room, all alone.

  “Everyone, literally everyone in this station is evil,” he said aloud in disbelief. He let out a deep sigh and fell onto the nearby couch. He placed his face into his sweaty palms and began to tear up.

  Suddenly it hit him:
there was no hope for him in the World Ender Base, not when everyone around him was bad. This was a dead-end. His life could not go on here.

  “Aah!” he said, lifting his head up from his hands. “How could I have been so stupid?”

  He swatted at the coasters lying on the table, knocking them onto the floor. He closed his eyes and leaned back.

  “Aah!” he said again, letting out all his frustrations.

  World Ender Base, this is Lord Admiral Deathstrike. All soldiers, report to battle-ready status. Repeat – all Totalus killtroopers, report to battle-ready status immediately. This is not a drill.

  “Dammit,” Frank muttered as he stood up from the couch. There was no way he could work now, not after what he had just gone through.

  He shook his head and stumbled around the room, wondering what to do next. A thousand thoughts seemed to race through his mind at once. His eyes met his uniform, casually tossed across the back of his dining room chair.

  And then he froze.

  The crossbones sewed into the uniform stared at him with an infectious glare. And he stared back. It was as if the image had a power over him.

  “No,” he suddenly said aloud. He balled his hands into fists. “I will not report to battle-ready status. I will do something else.”

  Frank was done being the bad guy. It was time to stand up for what was right.

  ***

  Helga stared at the massive station before her eyes, enamored by its sheer size. She had never seen a man-made object of this scale before. She did not even know it was possible. If the Totalus Empire was capable of achieving such a feat of engineering, she dared not imagine what else they could invent.

  The Resistance pilot shook her head, trying to stay focused. This was not the time to get distracted. She let out a deep breath and clenched the controls.

  “Alright boys, there’s the target. Remember, our goal is to reach that exhaust port and hit it with rockets,” Helga said over the comm. “We make the shot, that whole station goes down.”

  “Roger that, Green Leader,” various voices responded.

  Helga plotted a course directly to the station’s exhaust port. She put thrusters on half power, as to not make it look suspicious. The last thing she wanted to do was give away their plan.

  Enemy ships slowly began pouring out of the World Ender Base. The sleek Totalus fighters looked like dark spear tips. They were difficult to spot with the naked eye against the blackness of space. Helga referred to her computer and tracked their trajectories on the holo.