Kangblabla!

by Andrew Gates

  “Blue, Yellow, you guys seeing these bogies?” she asked.

  “Roger that. We’ll cover you, Green Leader,” Dustin replied.

  “Negative,” Reggie responded. “I don’t see the ships. What do they look like?”

  “They’re hard to see. I recommend using your computer,” Helga explained.

  “What color are they?”

  “Black.”

  Helga could hear a bit of commotion over the radio, though she couldn’t make out any words until Gabriel’s familiar voice rang through.

  “Black?” he repeated. “Black isn’t a color. It’s a shade!”

  “Goddammit, not this again,” said Alliance Commander Swarf. He listened to the battle from the safety of Jorbulon IX. “I swear, the next person to bring up what is or is not a color is grounded for the next mission. Is that clear?”

  “Crystal clear, sir,” Helga replied. She had no desire to sit the next mission out.

  “Roger that,” other voices confirmed.

  “Good. Then drop the subject and proceed to your objective. That base isn’t going to destroy itself,” he said.

  “If only it were that easy,” Helga joked back.

  The Resistance ships were closing in on their target fast. As soon as they entered the Empire’s firing range, Totalus fighters began to unload everything they had. Laser blasts shot past Helga’s ship, barely missing.

  “Shit,” she muttered.

  This was it. The battle had begun.

  “You know,” Elyse said over the radio in her usual enthusiastic tone. “Something’s just occurred to me.”

  “What? The fact that you owe me money?” Helga replied, trying to stay positive while a battle unfolded around her.

  “No, not that,” Elyse answered. “No, I was thinking: what’s to stop the Empire from just sealing off the exhaust port? If you think about it, they could just put up like a metal slab in front of it or something. It would solve all their problems.”

  “They don’t know about the weakness. We have the element of surprise on our hands,” Helga responded.

  “I know, I know, but what if they figure out what we’re after and decide to do something about it?” Elyse said. “If they discover what we know, they could just put a shield in the way. It’s not that hard.”

  Helga could not think of the words to say back. In truth, she had not even considered that point.

  “Well…” Helga eventually replied, “let’s hope the Empire is not that smart.”

  “Excuse me, Green Leader, but did you just say we’re staking the success of this mission on hoping our enemies are idiots?” Jordan asked.

  Helga gulped. Did she really say that?

  A laser blast suddenly struck the forward window, forcing Helga’s attention back to the task at hand. She quickly turned hard left, evading more enemy shots. She checked the computer system to find that the hull was still intact. She had gotten lucky, again.

  “Look everybody, stop overanalyzing everything, okay? This is all going to work out. Trust me. Look how far we’ve come already. We captured the schematics of the enemy battle station, we know its weakness and we’re launching an assault. If you ask me, everything is going well! So how about we all stop freaking out and do our jobs.”

  That seemed to shut them up. Nobody responded. The radio was quiet.

  “Thank you,” Helga said after a few moments of silence. “See? What did I tell you? Everything is going as pl-”

  Boom! Another laser blast suddenly struck her ship, this time from behind. The shot was precise. Her engines were disabled. The fighter now drifted forward, carried by nothing more than its own momentum.

  Various systems began losing power, including the holo display. Without an engine, the battery was overcompensating for the use of energy. Her monitors darkened, then went out entirely.

  “Oh… well shit,” she said aloud. She slapped the useless screens that surrounded her.

  More blasts struck the fighter. A crack formed in the forward window.

  Helga could not believe it. Everything was going so well. It was not supposed to be like this. She closed her eyes and turned her head away from the window as the glass suddenly shattered, exposing her to the void of space.

  And to her doom.

  ***

  Stein gripped the controls of her fighter as laser beams blasted around her in all directions. She quickly pulled back on the yoke, sending the ship in a sudden upward motion. A few beams scathed the hull, but most passed right beneath her as her fighter arced up.

  The pursuers could not adjust course fast enough. Both continued forward, missing her entirely. Stein smiled as she looped back down, falling in line behind the two Resistance ships.

  “You’re mine,” she said aloud as she squeezed the trigger.

  Laser beams erupted from the forward cannons, blasting through space and colliding against the enemy hulls. Sparks flew. Smoke followed. One of the fighters took a quick right turn, while the other continued forward.

  Stein decided to follow the one headed in a forward direction. It was easier to follow and not as badly damaged from Stein’s barrage of laser fire. After only a few more seconds, the ship erupted in a fiery inferno.

  “Another one down,” she said with a grin over the comm.

  “Good hit, Warrington!” added Squadron Commander Ramirez. His voice was quiet in her headset. She wondered if there was an issue with his microphone.

  “Thanks, Commander!” she replied. “What’s our status?”

  Stein surveyed the battlespace through the cockpit window and on the holo projection before her. There was still no sign of an enemy fleet, just small fighters scattered here and there around the World Ender Base.

  “We’re winning the fight, Warrington. A dozen bogies left. That’s all,” Ramirez replied.

  “Roger that. Thanks for the update.”

  Stein could not help but wonder what the Resistance fighters thought they could achieve with such a small assault force. A handful of fighters was nothing against the power of the Totalus Empire’s greatest battle station.

  The station was designed like a pyramid. Its sleek triangular shape stood as a symbol of power for all to fear. Most of the Resistance fighters seemed to be flying around one specific tip of the pyramid, a point that gave out thermal exhaust.

  Suddenly it hit her. Stein nervously clenched the controls.

  “Commander, I think I know what they’re after!” Stein said, enthusiastically.

  “What is it?”

  “The thermal exhaust. I wonder if they’re trying to blow a hole in it.”

  “Interesting theory, but what would that achieve, Warrington?”

  “I don’t know. But maybe they know something we don’t. Maybe the World Ender Base has some kind of hidden weakness,” Stein explained.

  There was a momentary pause on the other end of the line as the commander considered her proposal. She wondered how he would respond.

  “That could be,” the commander finally said. “It would explain why they all keep flying to that area.”

  “What should we do?” Stein asked.

  “I’m contacting the World Ender Operations Department now. I’ll tell them to seal the exhaust port. They can put up a slab of metal or something. That will put an end to that.”

  “Good thinking, Commander,” Stein replied.

  “In the meantime, finish off the remainder of those bogies. We’re almost done here.”

  “Roger that, sir.”

  Stein angled her ship to the tip of the pyramid and increased speed. Resistance fighters pushed on to the tip like flies drawn to a light. They were perfectly lined up in a row. Stein smiled. It was almost too easy.

  Stein approached the enemy ships from the side and placed the first bogie in her cannon’s line of fire. She squeezed the trigger, releasing a storm of laser blasts. The powerful beams decimated the enemy ships one by one. After the third kill, the Resistance pilots caught on and broke from their lin
e, scattering like birds from prey.

  Suddenly a blast hit the starboard side of her fighter. Emergency lights flickered on. A siren blared.

  “Warning, hull has sustained considerable damage,” stated a calm female voice.

  Stein redistributed power to the starboard shields and glanced at the holo before her. The enemy fighter she had chased down earlier was back. It had practically come out of nowhere. A trail of smoke followed behind it.

  “Oh, not you again,” she said aloud, bringing the fighter around on a direct approach with the bogie.

  Stein redistributed power to the forward shields as her fighter now came into line with the enemy fighter. The two ships were headed right for one another on a direct collision course.

  Stein fired.

  The enemy fired.

  Now it all came down to whose shields could last longer.

  The bogie was already damaged from their earlier scuffle. Stein watched as its wings ripped apart from the blasts, then the cockpit window shattered. She cheered as the last of the enemy blasts collided against her hull.

  Stein adjusted course at the last second to avoid smashing into the destroyed enemy craft. Her own ship barely held together in the high g forces. But finally, free and safe, she lowered the speed and distributed all the power she had left to the shields.

  Stein removed her helmet and took a deep breath. Her ship was too damaged to do anything else in this fight.

  “Attention all pilots, we have closed off the exhaust port. I repeat, we have closed off the exhaust port,” the commander stated over the comm.

  Stein smiled.

  “Good,” she said aloud. Without access to that exhaust port, those idiots had done this all for nothing.

  The pilot watched the remainder of the battle unfold. Her fellow fighters blasted the remaining Resistance ships apart before her very eyes. It was beautiful to watch.

  After a few more seconds, the bogies were all dead. The battlespace was quiet and calm once again.

  “Excellent work, team,” Ramirez said. “Resistance pilots have been eliminated. The World Ender Base is safe from harm. All fighters, you are clear to return to base.”

  Stein brought power to the engines and redirected the fighter back on course to the base’s main hangar bay. She closed her eyes and wiped some sweat from her forehead.

  Another happy day at work.

  ***

  Thorn slid the beer across the table to the lone man seated at the counter. The stranger nervously fiddled with his fingers and glanced over his shoulders. It was as if he expected an attack at any moment.

  “Here you go,” Thorn said, offering the man his drink.

  “Oh, thanks.”

  “Everything alright?” Thorn asked. “You seem nervous.”

  “Nervous? Obviously I am! There’s a battle going on outside!” the man explained.

  Thorn was well aware of the battle. Everyone was. With the intercom providing minute-to-minute updates, it was hard not to be well aware of the battle.

  Thorn thought nothing of it. The World Ender Base was the most powerful base in existence. Whoever decided to go into battle against this station was a fool. As far as Thorn was concerned, this station was the safest place in the galaxy.

  “I wouldn’t worry about it,” was all he said back to the man.

  “Not worry about it?” the man repeated. “But what if those Resistance scum manage to-”

  “They won’t,” Thorn interrupted. “Trust me, we’re safe.”

  Thorn turned away from the man now and let him panic by himself. It was not Thorn’s job to play therapist.

  The bartender picked up the nearest dirty glass he could find and began cleaning it, finding anything he could do to busy himself. This shift had gone on long enough already. He could not wait for it to be over.

  Attention World Ender Base, this is Lord Admiral Deathstrike, reporting to all base personnel.

  “Goddammit, not another one of these updates,” Thorn said with a sigh. This was the 25th update this hour. These transmissions were getting to be so fucking annoying.

  The enemy fighters have been eliminated. I repeat, the enemy fighters have been eliminated. World Ender Base has endured, thanks to the might of the Totalus Empire. May our victory here be a warning to all who choose to oppose our might!

  The man at the end of the bar finally perked up. A look of relief quickly covered his face. He jumped from his chair and began dancing around, as if he had won the lottery. In a matter of seconds, he had gone from a paranoid oaf to the happiest man in the galaxy.

  “Did you hear that?” Steve asked, patting Thorn on the back.

  Thorn turned to face his fellow barman.

  “How could I not hear it? It’s blaring through the speakers,” Thorn replied. He motioned to the nearest speaker in the ceiling.

  “I guess so.” Steve lowered his hand from Thorn’s back and began walking away, but stopped suddenly. “Hey,” he said in a dramatically different tone, “is that your customer from earlier?” Steve pointed to a man entering the bar with a pile of electronics in his arms.

  Thorn stared at the man. He certainly looked familiar. At closer glance, he soon realized that this was Frank.

  “Yeah, you’re right! I know that guy!” Thorn said.

  Frank ran from one end of the bar and to the other without stopping. But this was no normal run. The man seemed to be sprinting as fast as he could. It was as if he were using the establishment as a shortcut to get from one place to another.

  Sure enough, he exited through the bar’s back door. In just a matter of seconds, he was gone.

  “Hey, sir, you can’t do that! That door is for staff only!” Steve hollered, though Frank was well out of earshot by this point.

  Steve turned to Thorn and raised his hands, as if confused.

  “Don’t look at me,” Thorn said. “I have no fucking idea what that was about.”

  ***

  “I will show them,” Frank muttered to himself aloud. “I will show them all!”

  He dropped the bomb down onto the floor and crouched in front of it. He lifted the panel, revealing the detonation controls. The buttons looked exactly as he remembered from basic training.

  While the rest of the station was distracted by the battle outside, Frank had the place practically to himself. In the last hour, he managed to get into the armory, steal some equipment, then run to the engine room all without so much as being stopped.

  Frank did not take the most direct route. He had to cut in and out of a few weird places to get here, but he did it nonetheless.

  Finally, he had reached his destination: the engine room. Frank stopped for a moment to look up at the sight before him.

  The World Ender Base ran on a power known to only a small few. Some believed it ran on ancient gems mined from a long-forgotten world. Others believed it ran on the life force of Totalus’s defeated enemies. Frank did not know what he believed, but he did not care. As far as he was concerned, it needed to be destroyed. If the engine blew, this whole station would go with it.

  Evil would finally lose.

  “I’m tired of working for the bad guy,” he said, returning to the controls.

  Frank tapped away at the buttons, priming the bomb for detonation. He set it for 10:00 minutes. It was just enough time for him to get to the hangar and escape before this whole station blew apart.

  “Finally,” he said as he stood up, “the good guys will win.”

  10:00, 09:59, 09:58… the countdown had begun.

  Without saying another word, Frank turned and dashed out of the engine room. He ran with all the might he could muster, quickly navigating his way out of the room and into the halls.

  It was not long before he was back in the public hallways. Men and women shot him strange glances as he raced past. He must have looked like a fool, but he did not care. He just wanted to get out of here once and for all.

  Many of the other personal were cheering and hollering. The b
attle outside was short and sweet. In the end, the Empire had proved victorious once again. Frank heard the play-by-play as Lord Admiral Deathstrike practically narrated the whole thing as it happened.

  Frank approached an escalator at the end of the hallway. He needed to take it to the lower level in order to reach the hangar in time, but as he neared it, he noticed a thick mob of people crowding to get on.

  “Excuse me, coming through,” Frank said as he pushed his way through the crowd.

  “Hey, you’ll have to wait your turn like everyone else!” a woman responded, waving her arms in frustration. She stood her ground, not letting him push past.

  “But ma’am, I must get on this escalator,” Frank explained.

  “All of us are trying to get on,” she said. “Have some patience!”

  Frank studied the escalator before him. It was wide enough to fit two people across, though people stood on both sides of the moving steps.

  “Hey!” he shouted up through the crowd. “Walk left, stand right! Haven’t you ever ridden an escalator before?” As he expected, the people simply ignored him.

  Frank twitched nervously. The crowd was moving too slowly. He felt himself sweat. He clanked his teeth together.

  “You got somewhere to be?” the woman asked.

  “Yes, and soon!”

  “Well calm down. You’ll get there eventually.”

  Frank could not take it anymore. If he waited any longer, he would die in the explosion.

  Without wasting another second, Frank got down on all fours and crawled his way through peoples’ legs. It wasn’t the most glamourous way to get around, but it did the trick. Before he knew it, he was on the escalator. He got up on the moving steps and looked around. People stood still around him.

  This was still too slow. Frank could not take it anymore. He climbed over the railing and slid down the side, ignoring the stairs altogether.

  Frank’s slide idea did the trick. He passed by everyone. In a matter of seconds, he reached the bottom and hopped off the railing. A sign hung from the ceiling before him: