Outside

by Michelle Mankin

  Hair hiding my face and skimming my breasts, I scurried off to the bathroom mumbling about getting cleaned up fast so he could have his turn.

  When I was done and we switched places he stopped me to brush a soft kiss across my still stubble abraded sensitive lips. I told him I loved him. Again. He didn’t need to tell me. He’d shown me. Thoroughly and completely.

  I located my discarded clothing and put it back on smoothing my hair and draping my towel over the chair to dry, before running my fingers reverentially over the spot on the bed that was still warm from our lovemaking. But even with all that evidence of how right things could be between us there were still those parts that felt wrong. Things I had tried to explain to him. Things I still thought he didn’t really understand. Things I had been ignoring for too long because I was so far gone for him.

  “Let’s go grab something to eat.” He emerged from the shower in a cloud of steam drying his hair on a towel that he tossed over mine when he was through.

  “Sure,” I agreed watching appreciatively as he bent to retrieve his clothing and also noting the red jagged scar on his leg. A grim reminder he would always carry, as if he could ever forget all that he had lost. To me it represented the beginning of the unraveling between us.

  Almost losing him.

  Getting him back.

  But not all of him I was coming to realize.

  Only the parts he allowed me to have.

  Not the lows he had fallen into after the accident.

  And not the highs of success either.

  Would he ever share the whole of him again?

  I took the hand he offered me trying not to cling too desperately to his fingers as he pulled the door closed and we hit the palm lined sidewalk above the beach toward town. There were a few vendors set up on the plaza in front of the pier when we got there. I bought him a skull ring from one insisting it was a necessity for his new rocker image. And he bought me a silver curb chain with our initials so I could be just as cool, his rocker chick.

  My eyes were misty by the time we got a couple of hot dogs and sat on a bench to eat them with the ocean laid out before us like a dispassionate void. The vast expanse of the Pacific once used to settle me and make my thoughts hopeful. Now it seemed capricious and untrustworthy like some aloof entity unmoved by our plight.

  I started to turn away from it when I noticed a couple of surfers bobbing side by side on their boards in the waves. They reminded me of Linc and Ash. Linc visibly stiffened when he noticed them and he tried to disguise the longing he felt, but it was obvious and my heart ached right along with him.

  “Outside,” the one on the right yelled to the other as a steep wave rose and curled over him.

  “What does that mean?” I asked Linc. I had heard the term before and wondered but had never had the opportunity to ask.

  “That there’s a good wave, a surf-able wave coming up behind you,” he answered his eyes still trained on the ocean. “Up to you to turn around and take it or get out of the way before it crashes over you.”

  I popped the last bite of hot dog in my mouth, chewed reflectively and mulled it over watching the surfers. When he finished eating he tossed our cardboard containers and the napkins we had used into the trash bin. I leaned my head against his shoulder as we headed back to the hotel trying to put aside my morose musings and allow the soothing ocean sounds to put my mind at ease.

  I frowned when Linc’s cell suddenly rang bursting our brief bubble of solitude.

  “Yeah,” Linc answered…Shit! You’re kidding?…No way…Ok…A block once we hit Main Street past the fountain…I got it. We’ll meet you there.”

  “Who was it?” I queried as soon as he hung up. “What’s going on?”

  “That was Ash. He said they’re surrounded by a group of fans at the motel. Apparently they saw the KABC feature and recognized our van. Kind of a unique vehicle. It sticks out if you’re looking for it. Guests at the hotel complained about the crowd. The cops are escorting the guys to the club. He said if we’re close it’ll be easier for us to meet them there.”

  “Ok.” I couldn’t quite believe it, but the evidence was hard to ignore. The power of the media had definitely taken our little known local band from OB and turned them into an overnight sensation.

  “That’s not all.”

  “Seriously?” I raised my brows.

  “Morris apparently is aware of all the coverage we’re getting. He told Ash he’s sent one of his AR guys to check us out. He’s bringing a video crew with him. They’re going to record us. If he likes what he sees and hears and if we can keep the momentum going Morris might come talk to us personally when we reach San Fran.”

  “Congratulations, Linc. That’s awesome news.” I was so happy for him. He’d been through so much bad. We both had. We were due a break. Tears sprang into my eyes and I launched myself at him throwing my arms around his neck as he spun us both around in a celebratory circle.

  Huntington Beach. We crossed the multilane Pacific Coast Highway at a stoplight holding hands. The self-proclaimed Surf City USA had huge two story surf shops at the beginning of its main drag and images of famous surfers stamped into the sidewalk we followed on the way to the club.

  I immediately understood why Ash had sounded freaked on the phone when the neon marquee of the Main Street Club came into view. Two news vans waited out front with their crews rolling footage of a crowd of fans holding handwritten Dirt Dogs signs. Mostly girls.

  I glanced at Simone to gauge her reaction. She glanced back at me just as stunned. “You think anyone will recognize me?” I posed the question but I didn’t get a chance to hear her answer. The video crew had spotted us and the screaming girls drowned out whatever she said.

  I wrapped my arm protectively around her shoulder as the crowd surrounded us pulling her close feeling her unease as were jostled, pinched and prodded under a near blinding light shining down on us from a handheld pole. I continued to press forward in the direction I hoped was the entrance to the club.

  When we made it to a velvet rope, the stern faced club bouncer stepped around us and glared at the crowd while opening the glass door for us. I grabbed Simone’s ice cold hand and pulled her inside.

  “Holy shit!” I exclaimed while looking at her. “Can you believe this?”

  Eyes wide she shook her head.

  “He’s here.” A girl with a French braid and wire rimmed glasses spoke into a hand held walkie talkie then motioned for us to follow her. Down a long ramp and through a narrow corridor we went until we reached a door with the club’s name on it. She knocked on it twice before pushing it open. The guys were all inside looking excited rather than shaken like we were.

  “You guys alright?” Ash immediately came toward us and tagged Simone’s free hand pissing me off.

  “We’re good.” I pulled her closer into me. “What the hell’s going on? It’s pandemonium out there.”

  “That’s what is known as success.” Ramon was smiling as he joined us, Dominic, too. “Freakin’ unbelievable success,” he added unnecessarily. “It must be all those fliers I handed out.” His grin widened.

  “My transportation skills you mean,” Dominic teased playing along.

  “My logistics,” Ash announced folded his arms over his chest.

  “It’s all of us.” I smiled, too feeling the burden I had been shouldering since the accident easing somewhat. “It’s pretty incredible.” I kissed the top of Mona’s head. “Has anyone talked to the Morris rep yet?”

  “No.” Ash shook his head. “We were waiting for you. But we saw the cameras being set up all over the joint near the stage and in the audience.”

  “What’s up with all of that?” I asked brows pulling together. “I thought it was just going to be a one camera one angle low cash outlay kind of thing.”

  “I think Zenith must’ve decided since they’re already out here making sure the Dogs aren’t a fluke they might as well get some useful video they can use later if we’re not. Ha
rd to fake the kind of energy that’s out there right now,” Ramon explained. “PR for the group is moving to the next level vatos. It’s above my pay grade now.”

  “Yeah free will only get you so far,” Dominic joked.

  I toned down my smile and turned to the woman with the hand held. “You with the club or Zenith?” I queried.

  “Zenith,” she confirmed what I suspected.

  “Good. I want to talk to Morris right away. Before the show,” I clarified.

  She moved a couple of steps away and before Ash and I had time to agree on the set list, she swept back and offered me her cell with Morris on the line.

  “You wanted to speak to me,” he cut straight to the point sounding intimidating as hell.

  “Yeah,” I pulled in a breath and my grip tightened on Simone’s hand. “It’s cool that you’re interested in the Dirt Dogs.” Zenith obviously had the resources to make us a big hit if we could impress them. “But I have a stipulation before we agree to be recorded.”

  “And that is?” he sounded irritated and my palms got sweaty, but I wasn’t going to back down. I had to do this for my girl.

  “My girl gets to go out first. She’s got a song of her own.” She glanced at me sharply. I guess she didn’t think I had noticed. I noticed everything about her. “I want her to get recorded same as us and then for you guys to take a look when you get around to watching the video of us. That’s all.” There was no way anyone hearing her sweet voice singing those words wouldn’t fall for her and her talent the way I had from the first.

  “Fine,” Morris agreed quickly, too quickly in my opinion, making me doubt my negotiation prowess. Though the guys beamed proudly I got the impression I probably should have asked for more.

  “I can’t do it.” I gulped down oxygen in slow shallow sips trying not to hurl at just the thought of going out there and singing in front of all those people. Important people, media and industry types.

  “You’ve got this, Mona. It’s nothing you haven’t done before.”

  “At school. In musicals. That one time at the Deck Bar. But never when it counted so much.”

  “Relax, babe.” He pulled me into his strong capable arms, his warm hands settling on the curve of my hips, his talented fingers rubbing tempting soothing circles into my skin. I drew in his familiar scent, the ocean and sunshine embedded in his skin from all of the hours he spent on his surfboard. Totally and uniquely him. “Listen to me. No one has a voice like you do. I get chills every time I hear it. There’s no way they aren’t going to fall in love with you the way I have.” He eased back his clear blue eyes traveling the length of me, his lip curling in appreciation at what he saw. There wasn’t much he couldn’t see with my borrowed slinky dress revealing too much thigh and cleavage.

  “I’m gonna be sick.” I tried to shrug out of his grasp but he held me tightly. “Please, Linc. Let me go.” I dropped my chin staring at the silver heart pendent that contained our initials. “I just can’t do it. I’m sorry.”

  “You can.” He gently lifted my chin with his curled forefinger. The inexpensive silver skull ring I had bought for him from the vendor on the beach felt cold against my clammy skin. “I’ll walk with you right to the stage.”

  I stilled taking a couple of deep breaths wanting to make him proud. Always wanting to please him. Loving him so desperately with every fiber of my being. Never coming close to imagining how badly he would break me at the end.

  I acquiesced to him as easily as Morris apparently had. Who could withstand the power of Linc’s personality?

  I went out on the stage, Ash accompanying me on keyboard, sang my heart out in my borrowed dress and the audience politely applauded when I was done a scant few but terrifying minutes later.

  Linc kissed my head when I exited the stage then he, Ramon and Dominic joined Ash on the stage. I quickly discovered how much louder, rowdier and enthusiastic the crowd could get.

  The walls vibrated as soon as the spotlights hit them. Feet stomped. Fans yelled. Some even stood on their chairs. Camera lights clicked on and so did Lincoln. Brightly. He strode to the center of the stage moving without any noticeable limp. Confident. Compelling. Controlled. A cosmic force.

  He plucked the mic from the stand glared at the audience daring them to come along with him or get the hell out of the way, before he and the guys launched into a cover of ‘Satisfaction’ that kicked ass as righteously as the original.

  It went uphill from there. Ramon on guitar flashing his flirt. Ash slamming sexy on his drums. Patch firm and steady on bass. And Linc my gorgeous wounded warrior with depths of worth that he still failed to recognize eclipsing them all. The Dirt Dogs might still a bit rough around the edges but they were undeniably on the ascent. What had started out as something to occupy their time when the surf wasn’t up had transformed into a magical mélange of Pacific saltwater, California sun and hard rocking in your face attitude.

  Sweat plastered Linc’s hair to his skull by the time he ended their set with a rousing version of ‘Better When Bad’, a brand new original Dirt Dog’s tune. Confidently. Arrogantly like it didn’t matter to him what the audience thought, he carefully returned the mic back to the stand. But they loved him and I think he knew it. They went bonkers as he exited the stage. The noise they generated rang in my ears every bit as loudly as the band’s sound had.

  Beaming Linc came straight to me immediately hoisting me up in a triumphant hug.

  “You did it!” He told me as I smiled back into his sparkling clear blue eyes.

  “I did ok. You guys were off the charts. Phenomenal.” Before he could reply, Dominic called my name moving towards us with an ominous look on his face that made my stomach tighten immediately.

  “Your mom’s on the phone.” She must have gotten his number from Karen. I squeezed Linc’s hand and I took the cell Dominic stretched toward me. “It’s ok. I’m sure.” I gestured toward the rest of the group hovering nearby waiting on him. “Go on start the celebration. I’ll just talk to her and come find you in a minute.” The guys slapped each other on the back and were talking loudly to each other as they took off.

  I covered one ear and pressed the cell to the other so I could hear better. “Hello.”

  “Simone.” Hearing her voice after all this time, after all that had happened made conflicting emotions vie for position within my heart. Anger grappled with a lingering desperation for her approval that made me feel small again. “Baby, I want you to know that I’ve sobered up. I got a lawyer after your father hit you. I’ve left him. I moved out. And I’m asking for half of everything.”

  I felt dizzy. I looked for a chair but not finding one I just sagged into the cold surface of the cinderblock wall. “I need you to come home, Honey. Right away.” No inquiry about how I was doing. No apology for anything. “The attorney needs to talk to you. He wants to get your statement about the way your father treated us.”

  I sensed something was dreadfully wrong the moment she rejoined us and I saw her drawn features. I set aside the champagne, excused myself from the reporter from KABC and moved across the room taking her hand and pulling her out into the hall. It seemed pretty obvious to me that she was about to break down. Screams from a crowd of restrained fans erupted in the corridor as soon as we emerged.

  “Shit!” I cursed and took her directly into a janitor’s closet across the hall telling the bouncer guarding the backstage door to keep everyone away.

  “What’s going on?” I asked pulling a dangling string to illuminate the tiny space. Her grip tightened.

  “I’ve got to go home, Linc. Back to Ocean Beach.” She was leaving me? Now? The strong smell of bleach made my eyes burn. “My mom filed for divorce. The lawyer needs my testimony.”

  “No,” I stated, the denial emphatic instantly angry on her behalf. “Why should you go, Simone? When did she ever stick her neck out for you?”

  “But…” she sputtered blinking at me her expression revealing that she hadn’t expected those words or
the vehement tone I had used when delivering them. “I…”

  “But nothing, babe. You’re my girlfriend. You don’t go traipsing off just ‘cause your mommy calls, who I’ll remind you did absolutely nothing when your father clocked you. You saw how it was out there tonight. We have to keep that kind of energy up all the way to San Fran to keep Morris interested. I don’t know if I can do that without you. I’m not out there for my ego. I’m out there for us. It’s our future I’m building. I thought you got that.”

  She was quiet for a long moment, emotions flickering within her gaze too fast and complex for me to read them. “But she’s my mom, Linc,” she whispered eventually. “She needs me.”

  “I need you, too.” I told her the honest truth while grasping her by the shoulders to emphasize my point. “And I love you.” My voice went raw. “Doesn’t that mean anything?”

  “Yes of course it does.” Her eyes filled. “It means everything. But you have Ash and the guys. She has no one.” Her voice was steady but she looked uncertain. So I laid things out more to clarify.

  “You are mine, Simone. Dammit. You aren’t her little girl anymore. She needs to stand up for herself. Take care of herself.”

  The way she never took care of you, I thought. Fuck her.

  Simone dipped her head and an icy trickle of trepidation tiptoed its way down my spine. “She’s all I have, Linc. Please understand.”

  “Fuck that,” I said bitterly. I didn’t see the big picture in that moment only that she was thinking about leaving me in the here and now. In my mind that slumbering dragon of insecurity awoke and lifted up its fiery red head.

  “I’ll just be gone for a couple of days, maybe a week and then I’ll come right back.” Her voice got smaller and smaller. “Don’t be mad at me, please.”

  “No.” I released her and took a step back my ass rattling the cleaning supplies on the steel shelves behind me. “I’m not bending on this, Simone. If you go out that door it means you’re choosing her over me.”