Gold in the Fire and Light in the Storm

by Margaret Daley

  She had so much to do that evening. She had to call each of her siblings and talk to them. No, she would wait to tell them later. But she did have to tell Darcy, Jesse and Tanya. She had to—The cold knot in the pit of her stomach grew. Shuddering, she slid the umbrella open and made a dash for her Jeep.

  Do not think, Beth.

  Do not think, Beth.

  She kept chanting that sentence over and over in her mind to keep it blank of all thoughts.

  Ten minutes later she arrived home to an empty, silent house. She immediately flipped on the television and turned it up loud. The noise that permeated the rooms kept the worry at bay for a few minutes while she changed her clothes and began to prepare for the next day. Then the doubts and fears came back in full force, sending her to her knees in the middle of her bedroom, a set of pajamas for the hospital clasped in her hand.

  Lord, I don’t know where to begin. I feel so lost and alone. Why cancer? Why now? I wanted to help people in other parts of the world. I had everything planned out. I would do Your work. Now I’m fighting for my life and so scared. Please show me what You want. Please help me.

  Beth folded over, burying her face in her hands and going to the floor. What little control she’d thought she had over her life had been snatched away. The terror, the emptiness crashed down on her.

  Through the sound of people talking on the television she heard the insistent ringing of her bell. She tried to ignore it, but the person at her front door wouldn’t go away. The noise kept up, echoing through her mind, declaring that the outside world would not leave her alone to wallow in self-pity.

  Beth rolled to her feet and trudged toward the front door, opening it without even checking who was ringing her bell, because she was so sure it was Zoey or one of her other three friends, come to talk some sense into her.

  Instead, Samuel stood on her porch, his hair wet from the rain, rivulets of water running down his face. Worry darkened his eyes. Had Zoey told him already?

  Please don’t let it be that, Lord. I can’t deal—

  “Beth, what’s wrong?” he shouted over the loud noise.

  “Nothing.” Except that I have breast cancer. Don’t look at me like that. When he glanced toward the living room where the television was, she added, “I was in the other room and wanted to hear the show.” She hoped he didn’t ask which show, because she had no idea what was on at the moment or even what channel she had flipped on. That hadn’t mattered at the time—she’d needed voices to fill the silence of the house.

  “May I come in?” he asked, because she still blocked his entrance into her house.

  No. “Sure.” She stepped to the side, gripping the edge of the door so tightly that her knuckles whitened. Peering down at her casual attire, stained with paint and ripped in a few places, she said, “I wasn’t expecting any guests.”

  He arched a brow. “‘Guest’ sounds so formal. I thought we were more than that.”

  A shaft of lightning brightened the dim foyer, followed almost immediately by a boom of thunder. “What brings you out on a night like this? If I didn’t have some…housework to do, I’d be cuddled up on the couch reading a good book.”

  He combed his fingers through his damp hair, then rubbed the back of his neck. “I don’t know. I just had an urge to see you. Is everything all right?”

  How could he know something was wrong? I’ve been so careful not to give anything away.

  Her heart seemed to come to a standstill. A tight band about her chest constricted her breathing. She masked her tension by moving past Samuel and into the living room to switch off the television that was now irritating.

  “Beth?”

  She spun around and pasted a smile on her face. “What could be wrong other than I have too many papers to grade and so I can’t curl up on the couch and read a good book?”

  “I thought you had housework to do.”

  “I do, then papers to grade.” It wasn’t a lie, she said silently, to soothe her conscience. She did have a few things to do around the house because she wouldn’t be here for a couple of days—like watering her plants, the ones that had managed to live through the winter, and…well, that was all, but still, that chore was considered housework. She flipped her hand toward a stack of papers, most of them graded. “Those await me. So what could possibly be wrong that time won’t take care of?” She managed to say the last sentence without strangling on the words, but she slid her gaze away as though immensely interested in those few papers that still needed grading.

  Samuel searched her living room with his eyes, the whole time massaging his nape. “I don’t know what came over me. I…” He raised his broad shoulders in a shrug.

  Tell him, a little voice said inside her head.

  “I guess I’ve been more edgy lately.”

  “Why?” she quickly asked, desperately wanting to center the conversation about him.

  “In a few days it will be the third anniversary of Ruth’s death. It’s always been hard on me.”

  The tightness in her chest expanded. How could she add to his pain, especially at a time like this?

  Chicken. You should be the one to talk to him about it, that inner voice taunted. Not Zoey.

  But when Beth stared into his dark eyes and saw pain reflected in their depths, she knew she wouldn’t say a word. Not tonight. Later she would explain her reluctance, because she knew she couldn’t keep it a secret for much longer—not in Sweetwater. She loved her hometown, but this was definitely a downside to the town. Everyone knew everything eventually.

  “I’m so sorry, Samuel. Losing a loved one is never easy. I wish I could help make it better for you.”

  He covered the distance between them. “Your presence in my life—our lives—has made it easier, Beth. Thank you.”

  Her fragile emotions threatened to come apart at his words. With his hair slightly tousled and wet from the rain, he looked adorable. She concentrated on the turned-up corners of his mouth and wished she could sample another kiss. She backed away before acting on her wish. That would only complicate an already complicated situation.

  “I appreciate you coming over to check on me, but as you can see I’m perfectly fine.” She spread her arms wide.

  “You aren’t gonna send a poor guy out into the driving rain without at least one cup of hot coffee?”

  The hopeful gleam in his eyes unraveled her resolve to send him on his way as quickly as she could. “I guess I could take a break from…my housework for one cup of coffee.”

  He grinned. “You make the best in Sweetwater. Thanks!”

  She didn’t want to blush at his blatant compliment, but she felt the heat singe her cheeks and knew she had. She hurried toward the kitchen to put on some coffee.

  “I thought you always had a pot on when you were here.”

  “I forgot when I came home.” The way she was feeling she was lucky she’d made it home. “It won’t take long to brew. Have a seat.”

  Samuel settled into a chair at the table as though he was at home in her kitchen. They had grown close over the past four months, beyond friendship, and yet all there really could be between them was friendship.

  To keep busy she rifled through her cabinets until she found some chocolate cookies. “I know these are store bought, but they are very good. Want any?”

  “Sure.”

  Beth withdrew several and placed them on a plate, then put it on the table in front of Samuel. When the coffee finished perking, she poured them each a cup and brought the sugar bowl to him.

  He doctored his coffee with only one spoonful of sugar. “I can’t totally give up the sweetness, but I’m working on it.”

  She cupped the mug between her hands and savored the warmth emanating from it. Even though it was spring outside and not chilly, she felt cold deep down inside her. “I told Jesse about the dollhouse and she is dying to see it. I told her she had to wait until the auction like everyone else.”

  “Good. I want to propose a prison ministry u
sing our outreach funds. When I go to see Tom, I see so many inmates who need the Lord’s guidance.”

  “Has anything happened with Tom?”

  He shook his head, then took a long sip. “At least he’s seeing me now.”

  “Tanya’s resigned to the divorce, but she hasn’t said anything to Crystal yet.”

  “She needs to tell her soon. Word will get out, and it’s best for her to hear it from her mother.”

  Beth dropped her gaze to a spot halfway between them on the oak table. “She’ll tell her when the time’s right.”

  “For who?”

  “Tanya. She’s had to deal with a lot lately.” She realized she was really talking about herself. She should be the one to talk to Samuel about her cancer, but she couldn’t get the words past her lips.

  “But she’s not alone. God’s with her and we’re with her.”

  “Do you really feel that way?”

  He looked her directly in the eye and said, “Yes. Two months ago I wouldn’t have agreed, but you’ve made me see so much that I was refusing to see. The Lord has been with me the whole time. Just because a person prays to God doesn’t mean that what he prayed about will happen. The Lord knows best, not me. I’d forgotten that.”

  Does He? For a few seconds her faith wavered. Then she remembered a verse from Romans. “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose,” she murmured.

  Her hand trembled as she placed her mug on the table. Tell him, that inner voice pleaded.

  She stared at his handsome face, the words rising within her. She opened her mouth to tell him, but as before nothing would come out. Quickly she lifted the mug again and sipped at her coffee. She could handle only so much, and telling him wasn’t one of those things. Not yet.

  Samuel stepped off the elevator and immediately saw Zoey pacing in front of the nurses’ station. He headed for her, concerned by the worried look in her eyes. “Aunt Mae didn’t tell me who was in the hospital. One of your children?”

  “No.” She waved him toward a waiting room across from the nurses’ station, then preceded him.

  When he entered the room, his gaze swept over Zoey, Darcy, Tanya and Jesse, and he knew who was in the hospital: Beth. The thought that she might be hurt slammed through him as though a truck had run over him. “What’s wrong with Beth?” His question came out in a gruff whisper, but then, he was amazed his voice even worked.

  “She’s in surgery right now.” Zoey peered toward Jesse for support, then back at Samuel. “She has breast cancer. The doctor is removing the lump.”

  He sank into a chair not far from him, his legs giving out. His throat closed, cutting off his air until it was difficult even to breathe. “Breast cancer,” he managed to choke out, while the pressure in his chest squeezed his heart until it felt as though it were splitting into fragmented pieces.

  “Yes, she found out a few days ago and the doctor wanted to operate right away.” Jesse came forward. “We wanted her to tell you. She couldn’t. She asked Zoey to.”

  Four pairs of eyes were on him, their own pain mirrored in their gazes. He couldn’t look at them any longer. He dropped his head, staring unseeingly at his lap, his hands twisting together, their outline blurring.

  No, not again, Lord. Why Beth? Why me?

  Silence greeted his plea.

  The sounds of the regional hospital cut into the quiet in his mind—beeping noises, people talking outside the waiting room, a doctor being called over the intercom system. He tried to draw air into his lungs, but a tightness gripped his chest. Light-headed, he finally looked up at the four women still staring at him, the worry on their faces now evolving into full-fledged concern.

  Over three years ago he had lived through this very scene, only to lose his wife in the end because the cancer had spread so quickly. Again he took a breath, this time managing to fill his lungs partially.

  Zoey sat next to him and placed her hand on his arm. “I’m so sorry. I tried to get Beth to tell you yesterday, but she said she couldn’t handle it. She was still trying to deal with the fact she had cancer. Everything moved so fast once they discovered the malignant lump.”

  “How long has she been in surgery?” Why hadn’t she been able to turn to him? He had failed her when she needed him most.

  “A while. It shouldn’t be much longer.”

  He should have been here from the beginning, but he had been out running when Zoey had called the house. He’d come as soon as he could after his aunt had told him Zoey needed him at the hospital, that she would be on the second floor in the waiting room. He should have held Beth and prayed with her last night, but instead he had sat in her kitchen drinking her coffee, talking about unimportant things, oblivious to what was really going on in her head. In his heart he’d known something was wrong, but when she hadn’t said anything he hadn’t pushed. He should have pushed.

  For the next twenty minutes he paced the length of the room, counting his steps because he didn’t want to think about what was going on with Beth. If he could numb his mind, he would be all right.

  “I’m getting some coffee. Do you want any?” Darcy asked everyone.

  “I could use a cup.” Tanya started to lift her purse from the floor.

  Samuel stopped his pacing and said, “I’ll get the coffee, and it’s on me.”

  Pivoting, he hurried from the room and went in search of the vending machine on the floor. Out in the corridor he felt as though he could breathe a little more easily without Beth’s friends watching him as if they were waiting for him to explode. He had to hold himself together long enough to find out if Beth would be all right. He’d lost control once before in his life and had hurt his family in the process. He couldn’t do that again, and if that meant shutting down his feelings concerning Beth, then that would be what he had to do. She had become too important to him. He would be there as her friend, but that was all. Emotionally he couldn’t afford anything else.

  After selecting three coffees from the vending machine, Samuel headed back to the waiting room. Approaching the group of women, he noticed a man in their midst talking to them. He rushed forward, realizing the doctor was reporting on Beth.

  Smiling, Zoey looked at him. “She’s going to be okay.”

  “I removed the lump,” the doctor said. “The cancer was contained and hadn’t spread to the lymph nodes.”

  Relief made Samuel’s hand tremble as he handed the paper cups to Tanya and Darcy. “Can we see her now?”

  “She’s still in recovery, but I’ll have the nurse tell you when she’s back in her room.” The doctor left the waiting room.

  Jesse grabbed her purse and rummaged inside. “I’ll call her sister and brothers now.”

  “Why aren’t they here?” Samuel asked, swallowing some of the bitter, lukewarm coffee. He winced and realized he’d forgotten the sugar that Beth was trying to wean him from.

  “Beth didn’t want them to come home for this. She made me promise not to call until after the operation.” Jesse retrieved her cell phone and a slip of paper with some phone numbers on it. She walked to the other end of the room and began making her calls.

  “I guess we’re lucky she told us.” Zoey went to the phone in the waiting room and began punching in some numbers as she continued, “I’m calling the school to let the secretary know what’s going on.”

  Now that he knew Beth was going to be all right, anger started festering inside him. Beth shouldn’t have kept something like this a secret—not from him. Didn’t the past few months mean anything to her? He’d begun to think he meant something to her, but that was obviously not the case. Beth had told only her closest friends, and he hadn’t been one of them. Her rejection hurt, fueling his anger.

  “I’m going for a walk. I’ll be back later,” he told Beth’s friends, and started for the door.

  “What do we tell Beth when we see her? When will you be back?”

  Samuel glanced o
ver his shoulder and said to Zoey’s questions, “I have no idea when, if ever.”

  He couldn’t think in the hospital. He had to get away from it and try to make some sense out of his vacillating emotions.

  “You told him?” Beth asked Zoey as her friend sat in the chair next to her bed.

  “Yes.”

  Beth looked from Zoey to Jesse, then Darcy and Tanya. “Where is he?” Even though her mind was foggy from the anesthetic, concern for Samuel pushed to the forefront. She knew what the news would do to him and now she feared the worst.

  “He went for a walk.” Darcy glanced away from Beth as though she couldn’t quite meet her eyes.

  “What aren’t you telling me?”

  “Nothing,” Jesse said too quickly.

  “You don’t have to protect me.”

  Jesse looked directly at Beth. “I’m not sure he’s coming back.”

  Beth shouldn’t have been surprised by the news and she wasn’t, but disappointment that she wouldn’t see Samuel flooded her. Despite not having the nerve to tell him about her cancer, she had still wanted to see him when she awakened from the operation. She loved her friends, but she needed Samuel. She needed to know he was all right. She needed him to tell her everything would be all right for her.

  “I imagine this has brought back bad memories of his late wife.” Beth plucked at the white cotton sheet, trying to keep her voice steady.

  “He didn’t look too well when I told him about you,” Zoey murmured. “I don’t think I did a very good job, either.”

  “Nonsense, Zoey. You did fine. It’s not easy breaking that kind of news to anyone. I called your siblings.” Jesse moved closer to the bed.

  “They aren’t coming, are they?” Beth didn’t want her family descending on her, not when she felt so fragile—as if she would break at any moment. She needed to be alone, to lick her wounds by herself. Or even better, she needed Samuel.

  “No, they’re going to respect your wishes. But Holly said you’d better call her as soon as you can. Daniel is coming home in a few weeks to check on you. I couldn’t reach Ethan because he is out of the country, but I left a message on his machine.”