They're So Vein (The Grateful Undead series)

by Susan Stec

Zaire growled.

  Resi moaned, fangs hanging from her mouth, saliva dripping down her chin.

  "Goddamn it, Mom!" I scurried closer.

  JoAnn's arms pumped like a windmill. "One of you get this bitches', goddamned, mother-fucking fangs out of my neck!"

  "Dang, she sounds like a ho during a turf war!" I laughed.

  "Jesus, can't any of you be trusted?" Jeni shouted. "Nanna! Get your fangs out of JoAnn's throat! Now!"

  Mom sucked fast - emitting big, gulping wet sounds - then jerked her fangs out of JoAnn's throat, looking sated. She bit her wrist and shoved it in JoAnn's face.

  JoAnn vomited all over the glass coffee table and the stuffed gator mounted underneath.

  Jeni ran into the kitchen, came back with a dishcloth, and tossed it at JoAnn.

  Resi waited for her to dab her mouth, then grabbed Mom's wrist and pushed it to JoAnn's lips. "Aunt JoAnn, you have to drink from Nanna."

  JoAnn clutched her stomach, turned her head and retched little runners of bile into the dishcloth. Panting like a dog, she said, "I can't… I can't suck on my own mothers arm!"

  "How long before it's too late, Resi?" Jeni asked with a concerned look.

  Zaire grabbed Mom's wrist. "Bite it again, Nanna."

  "Ahh, fannullone, you're a pain in the hemorrhoid on the right side of my ass," Mom spat. "I am not going to bite my arm all night. This is it. Last chance. If you don't take it this time, I'll pay for your funeral myself." Mom gnawed on her wrist until it was dripping again.

  "Can you at least put it in a glass and get me a bendy straw?" JoAnn groaned.

  Zaire put my mother's wrist over JoAnn's face. Three big drops fell on her tightened lips. Frantically wiping her mouth, JoAnn gagged.

  "This is just so vile. Do any of you see how vile this is? At least get her a cup, Mother!" Jeni backed away, plopping onto the fireplace hearth with an irritated sigh.

  "Son-of-a-bitch!" I yelled, heading for the kitchen. I yanked a glass from the cupboard and brought it to Resi.

  "I'm not drinking it without a straw," JoAnn whined, looking up at me with big eyes.

  I watched Zaire milk some blood from my mother's arm, while Resi held the glass. "You don't need a frigging straw. Just drink the damn blood!"

  "Shut up, Mother," Jeni cried. "You're making it worse. If she doesn't want to drink it, leave her alone!"

  "Aaaand, she can be Nanna's bee-och, " Resi snorted.

  "What are you talking about, Resi?" Jeni wore a horrified look.

  Resi smiled, holding the glass out to JoAnn. "She won't die if she doesn't drink this, but she's been marked by Nanna, and-"

  "What she means is, she would be at my mercy for blood," Mom snickered. "It's in all the books, Jeni. Catch up."

  "Oh. My. God! You mean, she wouldn't die or be like you guys?" Jeni moaned, her eyes the size of cup saucers.

  JoAnn shuddered violently.

  "The books even say she'd WANT to do what I say," Mom informed her. "Like that bug-eating guy in the mental hospital from the Count Dracula book; Renwhah. You'd be my slave, JoAnn."

  "I believe its Renfield, Nanna," Resi said with a grin, shaking the glass at JoAnn.

  JoAnn's eyes wandered to a picture of her beloved pet. She started whimpering, reached up, grabbed her nose and pinched it closed.

  Zaire took hold of her hair and chin, pulling her mouth open.

  Resi tilted the glass over her face. A long trickle of blood went into JoAnn's mouth. Her whole body shook with the assault. Zaire snapped her mouth shut and I started rubbing her throat.

  JoAnn swallowed, eyes shut, her brows hammered together.

  Jeni backed up toward the kitchen, holding her neck and shaking her head. "Oh God - I don't want to be a vampire!"

  "Christ, you sound like a broken record," Mom said.

  ~~~~

  Chapter Ten

  ~~~~

  JoAnn's hair was long and light brown with soft sandy highlights. Her eyes changed; now they were deep brown with a silver ring around the iris. She had perky, itty-bitty nipple nubs for breasts, with a small waist and nice curvy hips. However, her sexy new body did nothing for her fifty-six year old mentality. She just loved speaking to us without moving her mouth. And no one likes to have someone in their head all the time.

  I am not sucking on an animal! JoAnn mentally pushed. It just reminds me of poor Tootles! Someone has to get me blood and they have to do it right now! JoAnn stood by the foyer, pointing at the front door with a frozen piece of raw meat wrapped in a napkin.

  "JoAnn, it's survival of the fittest, you fannullone," Mom announced, plopping herself down on the couch in front of the television. "So get your scrawny butt out there and find your own deer like the rest of us. I'm tired of bleeding animals for you."

  I have principals, you know. I will not go out in the dark chasing poor innocent animals. I want to drink from a glass like real people! JoAnn popped the meat in her mouth, sucking on it like a Popsicle.

  "We got you blood last night and told you it was the last time," I reminded her.

  Jeni rounded the corner, having just finished cleaning the bathrooms after a little prompting on my part. "Nanna, get up off your undead ass and go get her blood. You made her what she is today."

  Mom raised a brow at Jeni and stared her down. Jeni shook her head with a blank stare, tied an apron around her waist and headed to the kitchen to check the roast she had in the oven.

  "You do know they're pushing thoughts into your head to make you do their chores, don't you?" JoAnn took a bite of the raw meat, rolling it around her mouth like an ice cube.

  "Excuse me?" Jeni pulled her apron off, threw it on the counter and stomped back into the room.

  "They did it to me, too. That's why you sang 'Jesus Loves Me' while I did the dishes."

  Mom started giggling.

  "This is not funny!" Jeni yelled. "I will not be manipulated by a bunch of blood-sucking children of the night, damn it! We sure as hell are going to add that to our list." She strutted over to the table by the couch and scribbled in her little black book, throwing nasty brows at all of us.

  "Aw, come on Jeni, its funny. Admit it," Mom giggled.

  It is not funny. And I'm hungry!

  I turned on JoAnn. "Get out of my frigging head!"

  "Not so funny now, is it?" Jeni smirked. "Rule number two. No playing puppeteers!"

  "Are any of you going to get me some deer blood?" JoAnn asked, looking at the lump of gnawed flesh in her hand.

  "Oh, this is priceless," Jeni smiled.

  "No, we are not. You need to grovel like the rest of us," I said.

  Great, if I get eaten by a bear out there, I'm blaming all of you. JoAnn headed for the door.

  "It might be a good idea if you leave the meat here and wash your hands. A bear can be attracted to the smell of raw meat." I shot her a wicked grin.

  She stomped to the trash can, tossed the meat in and wiped her hands on Jeni's discarded apron, then went out the front door in a huff.

  ~~~~

  JoAnn started around a bush, slowly sneaking toward a doe in the field in front of her, but a low-lying branch snagged her shoelace. She slowly pulled her foot back, but the branch wouldn't let go. She leaned down, her hand searching, her eyes on the doe as she muttered, "Why do I have to do this? I wasn't made to hunt. I'm a lady, damn it."

  The doe looked up.

  "Oh darn, don't you go running away just when I have my nerve up," JoAnn whispered. She tugged at the branch.

  "Grrrrr… fhithtt…fhithtt…grrrrrrr…." the bush spat.

  JoAnn jumped three feet off the ground with a tree-limb attached to her shoelace. The doe sprinted, its tail dancing in the air as it bounced off across the field.

  "Damn it!"

  "Grrrrr, fhitthttt…"

  JoAnn let out a little yelp, her eyes trained on the noisy bush. The moonlight played off two silver orbs tucked in the bush, not six inches from her feet.

  She froze.

  The ra
ccoon growled, leapt from the bush and turned circles, nipping at the air like it wasn't right in the head.

  Backing up a few steps, dragging the tree branch with her, JoAnn made ready to run.

  The raccoon hissed and jumped at her, its pointy teeth sinking into her bare calf. It shook it's head.

  "Help! I'm being attacked by a rabid raccoon! Someone help me!" she screamed at the trees laden with rustling leaves in the night wind. JoAnn frantically shook her leg, sending drops of blood in the air around her. The raccoon held firm.

  She flung her leg back and forth, jumping on one foot. "Get off me…ugh… you little monster!" Her white socks spotted with blood, she hopped in circles, grabbing at the raccoon as she hollered obscenities.

  "Goddaaamnyoutohell, you little sonofabitch!"

  Giving one hard thrust with her foot, the animal flew from her leg, bouncing against a tree. It licked its red muzzle, growling as it crawled in jerky steps toward her.

  JoAnn turned to run, tripped, fell on her side, knocking a scream from her lips and it was on her again. It had a mouthful of shirt, bra, and her nipple tight in its jaws, shaking its head from side to side, her water-bra spraying both of them.

  "Let my boob go! Oh, you so deserve to die! " She grabbed the raccoon by the throat with two hands and ripped it from her chest. Her fangs aimed for its neck, missed and tore a hole in the raccoon's ear before she finally found its neck.

  The animal jerked in her hands, digging at her wrists as she began to suck, snorting at a large clump of fur tickling her nose.

  With a shudder that made her whole body shake, she pulled the raccoon from her mouth and threw the limp animal twenty feet away into some palm fronds. The raccoon scurried away.

  JoAnn looked at her wounded leg, wiping blood away from the cut as it healed in front of her eyes.

  "God forgive me. I sucked on an animal and it wasn't very satisfying, either." She pulled at her ripped t-shirt, rubbing her bruised nipple. "And my new breast-enhancing water-bra is ruined!"

  She got up, brushing dirt clumps off her shorts, and slowly walked toward the house.

  ~~~~

  "What the hell happened to you," Mom asked from the recliner, glaring at the disheveled mess standing in the foyer.

  "I don't want to talk about it." JoAnn headed for the couch.

  "Awww… you have a hole in your new Tommy shirt." I teased. "Have a fight with a tree?"

  JoAnn pulled a twig from her dirty Nikes. "A raccoon bit my tit."

  Resi started laughing hysterically.

  "Where's Jeni?" JoAnn ignored her.

  "Putting a load of laundry in the washer." I tried not to giggle.

  "You better not be mind-pushing her, Susan!"

  Zaire sauntered in from the kitchen. "A raccoon? No shit? Did you kill the bastard?"

  "I said I don't want to talk about it, and stop laughing at me, Resi!" JoAnn sat down on the couch in a huff.

  Fine with me, because I was thinking about the two-daycare owners. They made the news the day before yesterday with allegations of child abuse. The police were searching for them, but so far were unable to find them. We knew where they were. We'd been watching them.

  "JoAnn, we're going out tomorrow to get the pedophiles." I tucked my red curls behind my ears. "So I hope you got some practice out there."

  "I am not killing a human, no matter what they did."

  "We drew straws. You're coming with me," I muttered.

  ~~~~

  "Did you tell the wolf about the two women in the restroom?" Christopher asked. He was sitting beside Dorius in a cushy seat aboard BAMVC's private jet, headed for Italy.

  The interior of the jet was all business. Computers, printers, phones and surveillance equipment sat on desks on one side, their link to the corporate offices anywhere in the world. Couches and recliners upholstered in soft black leather sat on the other side with black ebony tables.

  The carpet was thick and dark red, the walls black and gold. Beautiful sconces made of copper glowed on the walls every few feet.

  "Tell me again - exactly what happened, Christopher." Dorius ordered. "The news reporter said they were old women. Vampires are not old."

  "Yeah, it's bullshit! How come I don't look twenty-five like every other vampire I've ever met?"

  "Don't try to change the subject. You know very well when a human is turned before they reach twenty they stay the same age. I asked you a question."

  "Look, I told you what happened and it isn't going to change. The old hag gave the wrong description. The one that bit Angelina was young. I didn't see the other woman, but I heard her." He was animated in his navy linen suit, and his shiny black shoes bounced off the recliner as he talked.

  A cigarette dangled from Christopher's lips, threatening to ignite his silk shirt as it bobbed with each word he uttered. "The bitches were there, I tell ya, and the one that attacked us was stronger than hell. She about made me piss my pants." His arms flew in all directions as he went on. "I tried to stop her and she threw me against the wall. I couldn't help Angelina, Dorius. I swear I tried. I know what she meant to you." He took a long drag and blew the smoke in the direction of the window beside him.

  "You look ridiculous with that thing." Dorius fingered a large ring on his pinky. "Put it out before you set yourself on fire."

  "Fuck you, Dorius." Christopher took a deliberate drag and exhaled small circles of smoke that drifted in front of him.

  "Did you see them throw her in the lake?"

  "No, I ran away."

  "Paul followed your scent to the Shop-N-Go and it disappeared. Where the hell were you?" Dorius pushed at his hair as he talked, fanning it out around his leather clad shoulders. His black leather pants whispered softly every time he moved.

  "I told you, I went to the store to find someone to make the calls. And before you fucking start yelling, think about my situation. I can't even reach a goddamn pay phone. This damn body is worthless." He took another drag and blew smoke in Dorius' face.

  "You better be straight with me because I'm not getting Paul involved only to find out you're leading us on a wild goose chase." Dorius waved at the smoke and pulled his hair back, tying it in a black piece of leather. "I smell like a damn bar."

  "Speaking of which." Christopher shook a glass, ice clinking as he motioned at the man walking toward them. "I'll have another, Dennis, and can you make it a double this time?"

  "Oh, my… the bi-ig boy is going to tie one on, is he?" Dennis said with a frilly wave of his hand.

  Dennis, an immortal, worked for Dorius at BAMVC doing errands, paperwork, and anything else Dorius asked him to do. He was tall, blond, and very femme fatal.

  "Don't encourage him, Dennis. He shouldn't be drinking or smoking." Dorius shot Christopher a nasty look.

  "God damn you, I am not your kid! I'm over a hundred years old - in case you forgot. I'll have another Dennis. Back off Dorius, it's been a long two days." Christopher shoved the glass at the manservant.

  Dennis tossed his blond hair off his chiseled face, reaching for it. "Yes, Master Christopher. I live to serve your little immortal ass." Dennis left, batting his baby-blues at Dorius.

  "Call the wolf. The women need to be found." Christopher stubbed the cigarette out in the ashtray on his lap. "I have just as much a bone to pick with them as you do."

  Dorius pulled the phone off the table in front of them. "Describe the one who killed Angelina, Christopher."

  "She has red hair and green eyes. Her name is Susan and the other one's name is JoAnn."

  ~~~~

  Chapter Eleven

  ~~~~

  JoAnn and Jeni stood in front of the kitchen window pass-through, stacking dishes into the dishwasher as I passed them in from the back porch. The rest of the girls, sitting in lounge chairs, watched two otters play with a fish on the dock. A gray egret, balanced on one leg at the end of the dock, also kept a wary eye on the otters.

  Resi's amused voice whispered, "Oh, Mom, look… the egret is g
oing for it."

  I glanced at the dock. It was dusk, the show pleasantly backlit by a pink and orange sunset. The egret strutted toward the two otters, reed thin legs bending in half. Its neck waved as it approached, its head tilted, one eye focused on dinner.

  "Move your head Susan, I can't see," urged JoAnn's irritating voice.

  I snarled at her and shoved a platter of vegetables through the pass-through, spilling a few black olives in the sink.

  "Mother, was that necessary?" Jeni's caustic question peaked my anger.

  "Yesss. She's being a bitch because she has to go out pedophile hunting with me later." I strolled over to the screen, putting myself directly in front of JoAnn's view.

  "I am not," JoAnn groaned.

  The matriarch of the family found the need to add her two cents. "Will the two of you shut the hell up? You're gonna scare them away."

  "Look, look, he's going for the fish!" Resi chuckled, moving closer to Zaire.

  "Survival of the fittest," Zaire laughed, patting Resi's leg.

  "If Susan would get her big head out of my way I might be able to see," JoAnn hissed, plucking olives out of the garbage disposal. I smiled, trying to make myself bigger.

  A very loud growl came from the patio by the lake.

  Flowers separated two layers of cement, and on the steps leading down to the lake, a pair of glowing red eyes floated in the dark shadows of the azalea bushes.

  "Hit the light switch on the deck, JoAnn. Let's see what's out there," Zaire whispered, walking toward the door.

  "Heck no! It's probably a gator," JoAnn warned. "Don't encourage it. Get away from the screen, both of you."

  Loud hissing came from the patio at the sound of JoAnn's voice.

  "Turn on the frigging light," Zaire whispered, peeking out the screen door as the sun winked out behind the far shoreline.

  A flash of movement and nasty growling had the egret flapping his wings, and both otters slid over the edge of the dock.

  A raccoon scrambled up the steps. It stood on hind legs, walking toward the porch, bright red eyes trained on the kitchen window.