They're So Vein (The Grateful Undead series)

by Susan Stec

  "It's the raccoon that bit my tit! Get your gun, Susan," JoAnn screeched.

  The raccoon spit, rubbed its mouth with clawed paws, and strutted up the steps like a human, its face turned in JoAnn's direction.

  "How the hell do you know that?" I snickered, "It's probably just rabid, stupid."

  "Jesus, JoAnn," Mom laughed. "I suppose God told you a damn raccoon has a death wish for you, right?"

  I glared at my sister. "Turn the damn light on."

  "Aunt JoAnn, did you bite the raccoon that bit you?" Resi asked, with a concerned look.

  "I don't want to talk about it. Get your gun, Susan!"

  The animal in question scurried up the porch steps, throwing itself at the screen door.

  JoAnn screamed, "It's him, I tell you! Look at its ear! I did that!"

  Zaire kicked the door, shouting, "I can take this little shit. Gimme the broom."

  JoAnn came around the counter, tossed Zaire the broom, then scurried back into the safety of the kitchen.

  Mom and Resi followed me through the sliding glass doors into the dining room. I pulled them shut behind us.

  Jeni leered at me. "Go get some pepper spray, Mom."

  JoAnn closed the kitchen window and hit the light switch, cloaking the room in darkness.

  "Oh, that's smart. Now we can't see our noses in front of our faces, you idiot," Mom yelled.

  "I thought it wouldn't be able to see us in the dark," JoAnn whimpered. "I don't want it to know I'm in here." She rubbed her right nipple.

  "Aunt JoAnn, sweetie, raccoons are nocturnal." Jeni stood behind the counter and snuggled up to JoAnn.

  The raccoon slammed itself against the screen, digging at the mesh covering the door. When it stuck its head through a long tear in the screen, Zaire gave the raccoon a good whack with the broom. The raccoon tumbled off the wooden deck and down onto the cement. It rolled about four feet into a hibiscus bush, hissing and spitting at us.

  "Now that's scary as hell." Zaire speed-walked to the sliding glass doors as the animal scurried back up the wooden steps, through the hole, and then flung itself into the glass door as she slammed it shut.

  The raccoon smashed its face against the glass, claws working, little rivulets of saliva dripping from its long fangs. It backed up, shook its head a few times and headed out the hole in the screen door, scampering away.

  "Ummm, does it say anything about animal vampires in those books, Resi?" Zaire asked.

  "Not in any I've ever read."

  ~~~~

  Fifteen minutes later, I walked into the kitchen with the car keys in my hand. JoAnn was wiping down the kitchen counters. "Get your stuff together because you're coming with me, JoAnn."

  "I'll go, but just don't count on me to play Walker, Texas Ranger." JoAnn walked by, headed to her bedroom.

  I hit the stairs leading to the garage. "I'll be waiting in the Jeep."

  ~~~~

  It was almost eleven o'clock when we finally got to the warehouse where the man and woman were hiding. JoAnn followed me through a dark alley, away from the streetlights of downtown Leesburg, mumbling to herself. "I don't like this. It's dirty, there are things scurrying around, and it stinks like puke back here."

  "JoAnn, if you don't be quiet the things scurrying away won't just be rats. You're like a freakin' alarm system."

  "I'm petrified after the raccoon episode. What if it followed us?"

  I turned angry eyes in her direction, thinking I just wanted to stuff something in her mouth.

  "I'll wait in the car." She started to walk away.

  "The hell you will," I hissed through clenched teeth, latching onto her arm. "I need you to cover me in case someone comes into the alley. Don't you move an inch," I warned, headed for the door at the end of the alley.

  "I have to wait in the dark, alone?" JoAnn's eyes bugged out of her head.

  "If I yell for help you better come running. Got it?"

  JoAnn stared at her Nikes.

  I glanced back as I opened the door to the warehouse, gave her one of my mother's Italian looks, sliced my throat with my right hand, and then pointed a finger at her. She waved me on so I stepped into the warehouse.

  The room was about thirty feet deep and forty feet wide, with rows of crates and boxes lining the back wall. On the left wall I spotted a door with light coming from under it.

  I edged toward the door, every part of my body on full alert. I got to the corner of the room and stepped over feces on the floor—human feces. Their toilet, I deduced by the assorted wadded up pieces of paper.

  The door flew open, casting a light in my direction. I froze, feeling like a frigging comedian, center stage.

  "I gotta take a leak. You just hold that thought, nasty boy." The woman slammed the door shut and froze as we sized each other up.

  She had on a soiled pair of khaki shorts and a bright purple T-shirt. Her hair was dark brown and hung in greasy curls on her shiny round face. She was a good two hundred pounds and wobbled as she stepped back, grabbing for the doorknob.

  I flung my thoughts at her. Don't touch that doorknob!

  The woman hesitated.

  I looked dead straight into her shocked eyes and pushed, Move your butt out in that alley! I narrowed my eyes and pointed in the direction of the door.

  The woman shook her head twice, blinked, and started to open her mouth, hand extended over the damn doorknob.

  Something hissed in the far corner on the dark side of the room. My head jerked in the direction of the noise. I saw two beady red eyes peeking at me from behind a stack of boxes and immediately thought of the damn raccoon with fangs.

  The woman's head slowly pivoted in the direction of the boxes, her hand reaching for the doorknob again.

  Oh no you don't! Turn back around and walk toward that alley! I pushed, keeping an eye on the closed door with the light under it.

  The blob of dirty flesh shook her head again, eyes blinking like mad, but this time she walked toward the door. I took her hand, wincing at the stench wafting off her smelly body.

  A loud scraping sound accompanied by falling boxes had me jerking around, just in time to see a gator slowly moving in our direction. I yanked the woman out into the alley, wondering how the hell a gator got inside the building.

  My idiot sister was nowhere in sight.

  The gator picked up speed, closing the distance between us. I shoved the woman at it and headed for the car. Loud screams and crunching noises filled the air behind me.

  I flung open the door of the Jeep and pulled JoAnn out. She had a backpack slung over her arm and wouldn't let go of it.

  "What the heck happened?" JoAnn gasped, pointing down the alley. "Is that a gator? I'm not Crocodile Dundee, Susan!"

  "We still have one more to get, and that's your job," I said, watching the gator pull the lower half of the woman down the alley and around the corner.

  A large, shirtless man in faded jeans burst through the door of the warehouse. I dragged JoAnn toward him.

  "What the heck do you think you're doing?" JoAnn fought like a tiger. Her red nails sliced my arms as I shoved her toward the man.

  "My wife! Oh Nat. What the hell happened?" the man shouted, his eyes large and round with panic as he stared at what was left of his wife on the pavement in front of him.

  JoAnn tried to tug her arm away. I dragged her right up the alley and deposited her by the man.

  "It was a gator!" JoAnn yelled.

  The man grabbed for JoAnn. She backed up, showing him both her palms. "I was in the car. I didn't do nothing!"

  "Where's the goddamned gator? All I see is you two and… and…that!" The man pointed at his wife's upper body, shook from head to toe, and then reached for JoAnn again.

  She jumped back and pointed a waggling finger at him. "I did not want to suck your blood, even though you are not a nice man and your wife wasn't nice either. The rest of the girls wanted to suck your blood and kill you because you hurt children, and…" JoAnn stammered.


  My chin dropped. This was good material for a Twilight Zone episode.

  "What the hell are you talking about, you crazy fuck?" he asked, glaring at my sister.

  "That was a vile woman!" JoAnn pointed at the pile of chewed up flesh on the ground. "But you're lucky because I'm a good vampire." She raised her chin, making me want to laugh at the absurdity of the situation. "And if you'll just look into my eyes, I can make you forget all of this." She opened her eyes wide and her perfectly coiffed hair lifted softly away from her face with an unexpected breeze.

  A nervous giggle burbled from my mouth.

  "You fucking women are nuts… My wife… she's dead… Oh, God… my wife is… Where's the rest of her? Did you do this?" The man fell against the brick wall of the alley gripping his chest, shooting glances at the horrified face on the ground, a scream frozen on its face.

  "No we didn't. The gator did. Aren't you listening? Like I said, you don't have to be dinner." JoAnn was really rocking now. "Because I believe in second chances, so just look into my eyes. Don't freak out if they start glowing, that's supposed to happen."

  I burst out laughing.

  The man suddenly growled deep in his throat and pushed off the wall. He grabbed JoAnn's arm. She yelped and my laugh cut to a squeal.

  The man pulled my sister to his face. "You better start making sense, bitch!"

  I made ready to pounce.

  JoAnn waved a hand in front of her nose. "Your breath smells." She pinched her nose and looked into the man’s eyes.

  I held my breath and watched.

  Let go of me, I heard my sister push.

  The man blinked rapidly, his body went slack and he dropped JoAnn's arm.

  JoAnn let out a long breath. I listened to her mental words. Okay, I'm gonna implant a message. I suggest you listen to me or my sister will suck on your neck.

  I raised an eyebrow and dropped my fangs just in case.

  Little children are sweet and innocent, and never, never, never, will you ever, ever, ever, go anywhere near them again. Got it?

  The man nodded his head up and down.

  "Good! And you can never have any of your own children. Ever." And if you so much as think about a kid in a sexual way, you will throw up violently, until you die. Understand?

  The man's head bounced.

  I leaned against the wall, arms folded across my chest. My fangs retracted.

  Now you're going to turn yourself in to the nearest police station as soon as possible, but not before you do something with the rest of your wife's body. Drag it to the lake behind Sadie's Clip and Dip on First Street and dump her in. You got all that?

  The man's head bounced again. He blinked several times, looked down, and then obediently leaned toward his severed wife.

  I watched in awe.

  JoAnn pulled a half-full water bottle of blood from her backpack and stuck a bendy straw through the top. With a dismayed scowl, she began to drink, watching the man curiously as he walked down the alley in the direction of the dog grooming shop, dragging his wife by her hair.

  We watched him throw the woman in the lake, then followed him to the police station doors.

  "I'm impressed. But the purpose was to drink from him, JoAnn," I said as we headed back to the Jeep.

  "No, that was your purpose. I just wanted to get him and his wife off the streets."

  ~~~~

  Chapter Twelve

  ~~~~

  The church was old, musty, and cold. Dull stained-glass depictions of twelve saints, the blessed Virgin and Jesus hanging on a cross covered the dark windows on both sidewalls of the sanctuary. It was an amusing backdrop for the rows of immortals, all standing in pews watching Dorius walk the bride down the aisle. Organ music muted the whispers of their guests as they passed.

  Who let the dogs out…who…who… Dorius' cell phone sang. He turned to Antoinette with a sheepish grin.

  "Darling, are you going to shut that off or am I going to have to deck you before we get to the pulpit?" Antoinette whispered, intensifying her grip on a cluster of red roses.

  With a fixed smile, she turned to her guests. A dark cream dress covered in red opaque hearts fell around her tall, thin frame. She had a long trail of tulle, satin, and lace following ten feet behind her down the aisle. A veil covered her face in shaded whispers of lace over rich black hair pulled up in a French twist, dotted with blood red pearls.

  Christopher stood at the altar, a toothpick in his mouth, flipping the wedding ring in the air and catching it on a velvet red pillow in front of him.

  Marcus peeked around the groom and shot him a frown.

  Who let the dogs out…who…who…

  Dorius reached into the inside pocket of his black leather tuxedo jacket, working the buttons on his cell phone.

  "Can you at least get me to the groom before answering it, dear?"

  "Sorry," Dorius growled softly, fiddling with the phone.

  They reached the altar, the organ music stopped abruptly and the church suddenly became extremely quiet. Dorius handed his sister off to Camillio.

  Christopher smiled at Dorius as he turned the ring around in his fingers. Antoinette reached over and plucked the toothpick from his mouth, tossing it on the floor.

  Who let the dogs out…who…who…

  Camillio smiled, his eyes on his fiancée as they turned to the man behind the pulpit. "Dorius, can you put the phone on vibrate?"

  "I just did," Dorius hissed.

  The minister looked from Camillio to Dorius, smiled meekly and began reading from his notes. "We are gathered here this evening to witness the joining of Camillio DeVieto and Antoinette-Marie Morizzio in…"

  BZZZZZZZZZZZZ

  "Son-of-a-bitch," Dorius hissed, tossing his cell at a tall blonde vampire in the first pew.

  ~~~~

  Two hours later, champagne glasses filled with crimson liquid clinked against silver knives as Dorius slipped out the balcony doors of the ballroom. He flipped open the cell, punching in Paul's phone number.

  "Dorius, I've been trying to contact you. How's the wedding going?"

  "You better have something, Wolf."

  "Actually I do, and it's good news. I've found our ladies. There are five immortals and one mortal. They live on one-hundred acres bordering Lake Harris. I've sent the fairy, over to observe them. He'll be moved into the rocks behind the house by tomorrow. I also took the liberty of contacting Dennis. A welcome packet from BAMVC is on its way to them. I don't think these immortals are who you are looking for, though. They're all new—very new."

  "I'll alert Marcus of this new clan. Since they're on a lake, get the troll over there. He can observe and relay information to one of my men. You keep contact with the fairy. Let me know if they make a move. I have to believe Christopher. These are the immortals that killed the woman."

  ~~~~

  "Who the hell is that banging on the front door?" Resi shouted over the television blaring in the living room as she stacked dishes in the dishwasher.

  "Nanna'll get it," Zaire yelled back from the couch.

  "Nanna and Jeni are not here. Go get the damn door!"

  "Where the hell is your mother and Aunt JoAnn?" Zaire stomped to the front door and yanked it open.

  "They're out sucking a deer! Go answer the goddamned door!" Resi yelled from the kitchen.

  Three needy looking African Americans froze. 'Watchtower' pamphlets clutched in their hands, they smiled with hopeful anticipation at Zaire.

  Two old men stood glistening in sweat, dressed in dark brown rumpled suits too big for their withered bodies. The woman in her Sunday best wore a gold lace jacket, glittering from her shoulders to her knees. A satin sheath-dress peeked out from under it on her small frame. An ash blonde wig adorned a face full of faded memories as the old woman held out a piece of literature, a humble smile on her face.

  Zaire smiled back and shouted, "Resi! Get your dead-ass - shit! Just get over here!" The water turned off in the kitchen. The television muted and Res
i sauntered down the hall to the front door.

  "May we help you?" Resi dried her hands on a dishrag and glared at Zaire. She had on a tight bright green shirt, the words, 'The Gayer The Better', printed in large letters across her chest.

  "We just wanted to pass on the word, young ladies." The woman handed Resi a pamphlet with a picture of a cemetery on a dark wet day. A red rose lay atop one of the tombstones. In big bold letters, 'AWAKE' was written across the top, and under it, 'Is There Life Beyond The Grave?'.

  "Do you know Jehovah?" One of the old men stared at a hole in Resi's T-shirt.

  ~~~~

  As JoAnn and I walked out of the woods by the house, I noticed an old Ford Taurus with its windows rolled down. Beside the automobile, three squirrels and a raccoon stood on hind legs, sniffing the car.

  "They're hissing! Look at their eyes. My God, they're all… vampires!" JoAnn whimpered.

  The animals were forming a cute little conga line, circling the car, strutting like diminutive police officers working a crime scene. One of the squirrels eyed the house, its red eyes blaring, a tiny paw outstretched in front of him, pointing. The raccoon growled, then strutted in the direction of the front door.

  "Susan…it's him… he's…"

  "Don't panic! We have to get there before they do. Come on."

  "I'm not fighting that raccoon again. I just replaced this water bra, darn it." JoAnn rubbed her chest.

  "Yes… you are."

  "Oh, nooo, I'm not."

  I dragged her with me around the side of the house at a fast pace, making my way toward the front door.

  ~~~~

  Resi shoved the pamphlets at the man smiling at her, his hand still extended in greeting. "We're Catholic. We believe in… sorry."

  "We just want you to read this publication. If you have questions, there's a phone number and website on the back. The world is changing, ma'am. We can help you prepare. Because there is life after death."