by Sarina Bowen
“You need a lawyer,” was Cax’s reply.
I stroked his nipple with my thumb. “Already got one,” I said quietly.
He sighed. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“I’ll tell the truth,” he said. “I’ll go into that hearing and tell everyone that I love you, and that my father can’t handle it.”
“You might not have to do that. I’m not supposed to talk to you about this, but yesterday I signed—”
“Don’t tell me if you shouldn’t,” he said quickly. “But know this—I will tell the truth, even if it makes my life more difficult than it already is.”
My chest felt tight just thinking about that. “I don’t want you to get cut off from your brothers.”
“I know that. But I might, and it won’t be your fault. I’m gay, Axel. And my father has always known it. For years I’ve been avoiding this showdown, but it was always coming for me. I’m almost relieved.”
I snorted. “What you are is sexually satisfied. For the first time ever.”
Cax poked me in the ribs. “And you’re smug.”
“And sticky. Come on.” I tugged his hand. “Time for the clean-up.”
* * *
We were getting dressed when there was a knock on the door. I checked Cax’s face and saw panic there.
“Hey, it’s okay,” I whispered.
His expression went sheepish. “I’ve been afraid my whole life. That’s not going to turn around on a dime.”
“I know.” I liked the way he put that, though. As if he was looking forward to a different future. “Why don’t you step into the bathroom until I see who it is?”
He slipped past me and I went to the door. Whoever it was knocked again just as I turned the knob. “Axel?”
I opened the door to Josh. “Hey. Morning. Something wrong?”
He frowned. “I’m not sure. I just found the weirdest letter in yesterday’s mail. Someone must have stuck it into our mailbox—without postage. I haven’t showed it to Caleb yet. But the whole thing looks scammy.” He offered me a piece of paper that had been folded into thirds.
It was printed on Barmuth College stationery. “To whom it may concern: Mr. Axel Armitage has been accused of sexual harassment by his employer. Should the accusation result in his termination, his landlord should be aware that he will no longer have sufficient funds to afford his lodgings. Sincerely, the Human Resources Department.”
I sighed. “Motherfucker.”
“What did he do now?” Cax came out of the bathroom, blowing his own cover.
Josh’s eyes got wide before he recovered, hiding his surprise. “Good morning, Mr. Williams.”
“You don’t have to call me Mr. Williams anymore. You’re no longer in my section.” Cax crossed the room and read the letter over my shoulder. “That is just ridiculous. I’m going to kill him.”
Josh crossed his arms. “Can I ask who?”
“My father,” Cax grumbled. “He’s trying to railroad Axel. This isn’t the worst of it, either.”
Josh’s face softened. “I’m sorry. Is it because you two…?” He left the question unfinished.
“Absolutely,” I said. “But I’ve hired a lawyer, and I’m trying to get him to back off. As of right now, there’s no reason to assume I won’t make the rent.”
“I’m not worried,” Josh said quickly. “I understand what you’re going through. Where Caleb and I come from, they would have come after us with a shotgun. Just let us know if we can help in any way.”
“Thank you,” I said. “Really—I appreciate that.”
Josh smiled. “Come for dinner tomorrow night. Both of you.”
“Okay,” Cax said quickly, surprising me. I raised my eyebrows at him. “I want to,” he said quietly. “I’m done trying to please him.”
“But…” I was worried for Cax. “We still don’t know what’s going to happen. Your brothers…”
“I know,” he said, putting a hand on my arm. “But I just can’t do it anymore. I tried to manage the situation, and I failed. He wants a confrontation. I can’t stop him. And I’m sick of walking away from you. That’s cowering, Axel. I’m so done with the whole thing.”
“Okay,” I said softly. I looked up at Josh, who had been listening quietly. “Two for dinner. I’ll bring something. Just tell me what—a side dish? A salad?”
“A salad,” he said. “We’d never eat one otherwise.”
“Fine.” I laughed.
“Seven o’clock,” he said.
“Awesome,” Cax replied. “We’ll be there. And I’ll bring wine. I’ll probably need some.”
“Deal.”
* * *
With Josh’s permission, I kept the weird letter in order to show it to my lawyer.
“I’ll leave now, because you’re already late for work,” Cax said, stepping into his shoes.
I caught up to him before he got to the door. “Hey. Kiss me,” I whispered. He did, and it was so fucking sweet. I ran my hand gently over his ass. “Are you sore?”
Cax blushed. “A little. But I don’t mind.”
I kissed him one more time, but then I had to release him or I’d never make it to work. “Are you feeling all right? Would you tell me if you weren’t?”
“Mostly, and yes,” he said, grabbing his coat. “I don’t want my life to fall apart. But if it’s inevitable, I’ll deal, okay? Let’s just see what happens. And if he gets uglier with us, we’ll console ourselves with more sex.”
I laughed. “All right.” I liked this new, tougher Cax. I liked him a lot. But I was still uneasy. There was something about his father’s weird letter to Josh and Caleb that smacked of desperation. “You should probably stay out of your father’s way until next week. That’s when—”
“The hearing. I know.” He buttoned his coat. “I’ll make myself scarce.”
“Tell me if you hear anything weird from him,” I begged.
“I will.” He stepped forward and gave me a quick kiss. “I’ll see you tomorrow night at seven.” Then he left.
Thirty minutes later I ran into work, late. I sat down in my chair and tried to gather my thoughts. I needed to call my lawyer about the letter and to confess that Cax and I had been friendlier than I’d planned.
“Somebody got laid!” Boz hissed. “Damn. Finally. Tell me who it was so I can thank him personally. I was getting tired of the long face.”
I looked up in surprise. “Don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Dude, you’re sitting there just smiling at your computer’s login screen. And you’re an hour later than usual. You might as well paint it on your forehead.”
Good grief. “What was your major at Barmuth, anyway?”
“Psychology,” he said with a chuckle. “And just admit it. I’m pretty brilliant.”
“You’re pretty annoying is what you are.” Ignoring his laugh, I finally got down to work.
Later, when I called the lawyer, he said he wanted to see the letter that Josh had received. So at lunchtime I ran it over to his office.
“This is weird,” he said, squinting at the text. “It’s so clumsy.”
“That’s what I thought, too.”
He slipped it into a plastic sleeve. “You never know—we might end up dusting it for fingerprints.”
“He’s ex-military,” I pointed out. “He teaches a course on the history of U.S. Intelligence. He probably wore gloves.”
Trevor shook his head. “I don’t get this guy. If he’s so tactical, why is he running around like a nut delivering letters? Be careful, okay? If you see him anywhere, just get the hell away.”
I didn’t like the sound of that. “Okay. There’s something else I have to tell you, too.”
“Why am I suddenly worried?”
“Well, I tried to stay away from Cax, but it didn’t work out like I’d planned.” I explained how Cax had practically broken down my door last night after learning about the sexual harassment claim, and I
confessed that he’d spent the night.
Trevor didn’t admonish me. Instead, he looked thoughtful. “It’s clear that Cax is feeling a lot of pressure right now. It won’t be easy for him if he’s asked to choose between the people he loves.”
“He’s in a tough place,” I admitted. Ugh. I wasn’t looking forward to the look on Cax’s face if his father tried to cut him off from his brothers. “But he won’t incriminate me to make his father happy. He just wouldn’t do that. If the college asks him if I harassed him, he’s going to say no.” Whether our poor, doomed relationship would survive it, I had no idea. But Cax wouldn’t throw me under the bus to keep his family together. Of that I felt certain.
Trevor nodded. “Okay. I’ll let you know if I hear anything back about the complaint we made. I’m expecting to hear something very soon. They have to respond.”
“Thank you,” I said.
“Hang in there.”
* * *
I spent the rest of the afternoon designing a newspaper advertisement for Family Night. And then I tried to figure out what silly pictures a guy could tweet out when his team was playing Harvard. The oldest (and snootiest) college in the country didn’t have a cute, furry mascot. The big red H wasn’t easy for me to mock, damn it.
Around three o’clock I got an email that I enjoyed.
Caxtastrophe to Axeldental: You know those modern kiosks at the library? I’m standing at one of them, grading essays. Sitting down isn’t all that comfortable today. (Totally worth it.)
Axeldental to Caxtastrophe: Hope you’re okay. Because last night changed my life for the better.
Caxtastrophe to Axeldental: I need to be as good as new by tomorrow. Because I want a repeat.
Axeldental to Caxtastrophe: If you’re still sore, we’ll just have to switch things up.
Caxtastrophe to Axeldental: Huh. Oh—the pain! It’s gotten worse all of a sudden.
Axeldental to Caxtastrophe: Maybe I could kiss it better.
Caxtastrophe to Axeldental: And now I’m hard in the library, standing at a kiosk. Walk on by, folks. Nothing to see here. *Ducks behind a Greek statue*
Axeldental to Caxtastrophe: Can’t wait to see you for dinner tomorrow. Actually, let’s talk tonight? Can I call you around ten? I want to say goodnight. And a few other things. Pajamas optional.
Caxtastrophe to Axeldental: Great. I’m free then. But now I’m stuck behind a statue for the foreseeable future. And I think I hear a tour coming. I’m just going to stare at this statue. But it’s a nude of course, and his ass reminds me of yours. Maybe my father is right. I’m a hopeless perv. I’m perving on a marble statue.
Axeldental to Caxtastrophe: You’re a perv, but you’re my perv.
By the time I left the office, it was dark, and I couldn’t stop thinking about phone sex. I was a phone sex virgin, because I’d never been with someone who wanted me badly enough to try it. But I supposed I could figure it out.
There was only a smattering of new snow on the ground, so I headed through the park via the wooded path. If I survived Mr. Williams’s attack on my career, and lived over Josh and Caleb’s garage for years, I might need to invest in a pair of snowshoes. That might be fun.
I wasn’t the only person in the park. A female jogger passed me, running in the opposite direction. Massachusetts was a sportier place than Ohio. Henning was the sort of town where people jogged through the park in thirty-degree weather with mittens on.
The sky was purple-black, though I could see a glow rising behind the Berkshires. There would be a moon tonight, but it hadn’t yet poked its head above the hilltops. I whistled as I continued my trek. At some point I thought I heard footsteps behind me, but I didn’t turn around.
But I should have.
When the attack came, I was so close to home I could see the shimmer of porch lights on Newbury Street. One moment I was walking, then the next something collided forcefully with my head. I hit the ground, sprawling on the path, tasting dirt and snow. My head felt like it had been split in two, and I couldn’t think why.
Reflexes demanded that I try to stand up. But I didn’t get past an elbow on the ground before a kick landed at my ribs.
I shrieked at the pain.
“Shut it, cocksucker.” My assailant had a voice full of gravel.
I knew that voice. But there was no time to think about it. I writhed away from the sound of him, curling in on myself. Once again, I tried to roll to a vertical position. But a knee came out and connected with my temple.
“Think you can threaten me?” the voice said from somewhere in the wavering distance. “Stupid faggot. Get the fuck away from my son.”
A foot connected with my eye socket, and there was more blinding pain.
The last thing I remembered was my head bouncing off the hardpack.
Then nothing.
* * *
The next time I came to consciousness, I was burning hot. Especially one side of my face.
Weird.
My phone was ringing, too. I knew it was my phone, because the ring tone was “We Will Rock You” by Queen. But I really just wanted the noise to stop.
“Oh my God,” somebody said. Someone familiar. “Oh my God. Axel?”
Hands landed on me, and I flinched. Everything hurt.
“Oh, no. Oh my God.” The voice belonged to Josh.
We will ROCK YOU!
Josh made the phone’s noise stop. “Hello?” he said, his voice anxious. “Who’s this? Boz! Axel is hurt. Someone… Someone hurt him, I think. We’re outside… You know where College Park is? There’s a path into the woods behind the swing sets. What? Okay—you’re right. I’m calling them right now.”
Then he was speaking to me again. “Axel, I have to call 911. Hang with me.”
I thought I saw a flash of blue light, probably made by my phone. For a moment, the only sound was Josh’s heavy breathing. He sounded panicked, but I wasn’t quite sure why. “Yes, this is an emergency,” I heard him say.
After that, I stopped listening. There was only blackness.
Chapter Nineteen
Cax
I was lying in my bed at ten o’clock sharp, wearing only boxers. Hadn’t Axel said he’d call me? Was I supposed to call him?
It was dawning on me that for the first time in my adult life, I might get the chance to be in a real relationship. And that I had no earthly idea how to be in one.
Call? Or wait?
I’d give it five more minutes. Lying on my bed, I tried to think about the Bull’s season. But really, I could only think of Axel. Sex with Axel…
My phone rang and I snatched it up happily. “Hello? Axel?”
“Cax? It’s Gil. Who’s Axel?”
It took me a second to get over my disappointment, which was ridiculous. Gil, my college roommate, was one of my favorite people. And I hadn’t talked to him in quite a while. “Hey! Sorry. I totally owe you a call.”
He chuckled. “Yeah, you totally do. How’s the grad-student thing going?”
“Pretty good,” I said. But that was just the easy answer, and maybe I needed to stop ducking questions from all the people in my life who were good to me. “Actually, it’s been a tricky year so far. Plenty of good stuff, but some trouble, too.”
“With school?” he asked.
“Nope. Actually, there’s something I’ve been needing to tell you for a while.”
“Is that so?” There was a hint of amusement in his voice, and I didn’t understand why.
But I forged ahead. “Yeah, well. All those times you told me to break up with Amy so I didn’t sit home every weekend?”
“Don’t tell me you did it?”
I chuckled. “I couldn’t really break up with her, because we weren’t really a thing. I’m gay, Gil. I just never wanted to tell you. Or anyone.”
He snorted. “I know that, moron. Glad you finally decided to admit it.”
“You…what?” Something swerved inside my chest, and not in a good way. I didn’t care what Gil
knew about me, but I didn’t like to hear that I couldn’t fool people when I needed to.
“Dude. Nobody waits around for their girlfriend for four years like that. Well, maybe some guys do. But at least they fuck her senseless when she comes to visit. I always knew you guys were just friends. I never saw you look at her like maybe you wanted to eat her for dinner.”
I sighed. “Fair enough.”
“I’ll just stop right there,” he said with a chuckle.
“Why? There were other signs?”
“Maybe,” he said, and I could hear his smile through the phone. “The cross country team used to run down our block shirtless, in those spandex shorts.”
I snorted. “I remember.”
“Is Axel a long-distance runner? Because I think you have a thing for cross country.”
“God, Gil. I can’t believe we’re having this conversation.” It was trippy to tell the truth.
“Well, are you?”
“He’s a basketball player,” I said.
“Close enough!” We both laughed. “I’m sorry to let the air out of your tires, Cax. But it’s a relief to hear you telling the truth. And finding what you’re looking for.”
I didn’t know how to reply to that. Gil cared enough about me to say these things, and it made me feel like a shitty friend. “Regardless, it’s good to talk to you. How’s the new job?”
“Boring. I think I’m going to apply for law school. I hate Wall Street.”
“Ouch.”
“Yeah. Don’t feel too bad for me, though. The money is good. And I save it all, since I’m working too many hours to spend it. I’m at work right now.”
“At ten fifteen?” It was getting late. I wondered what had happened to Axel.
“Yeah. I’m about ready to head home. I just wanted to say hi before another week went by.”
“I’m really glad you did,” I said. “It’s been too long.”
“We’ll talk soon, okay? You can tell me more about this basketball player.”
“All right. But I have to ask you not to say anything to anyone we know. My father…”
